Looong time lurker. Wanted to say hi in introduce myself

[Beano980]

Hello everyone! I have been a loooong time lurker on this site ( many years) and check it often. I have been following along all the topics and conversations, it has been a constant companion of mine as I work thru my own thoughts, actions and struggles around cross dressing. Like many, crossdressing has been a part of my life for a very long time. Since at least age 5 or so. I am divorced, but I guess you could call my relationship a "modern" family as I still live with my x wife. Who knows what direction that will take in the future.

I have been out twice. Both times dressed to pass and only then after a professional makeover. But both times I lost my nerve. The first time I did not even manage to get out of my car. The second time I walked around the parking lot of hotel, but could not muster the courage to be "seen" by anyone. Maybe you kind ladies can help me? I have forms, hip pads, and dress to blend with the intentions of just moving about in the world as a woman. But both times, I caught a glimpse of myself at a wrong angle in a mirror and was horrified to see myself clearly as man with makeup on. My soul crashes and the good 'ol catholic guild comes crashing in. I scurry back to my hotel room in a low mood (mentally berating myself) and take everything off. Ive been at this long enough to not purge everything, but I put it all away as quickly as I can. Eventually my mood lightens and my confidence raises, but the rubber band like SNAP of my mood falling so drastically from happy and feeling like I pass to SNAP OMG I'm such freak, what the heck am I doing, I'm ugly, real men don't do this, how am I to press my desire to pass on the rest of the world. You know, all those unhealthy things our mind lies to us about? Ugggg. It's to the point that I'm afraid to try again because I don't want to feel like that agin. I read many posts about how it gets easier each time. Well for me, that has not been the case. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated.

[Sandi Beech]

Welcome to the crossdressing club. Most of us have had challenges of sorts, more for some than others. I think we tend to forget that not all women are able to be beauty queens. The media obviously contributes to our thinking about beauty. What I have adopted is to do the best I can with what I have to work with. That is really all anyone can do. If you are ever able to go out and get acceptance from others, that goes a long way into helping to deal with self image. Good luck to you.

Sandi

[Kris Burton]

Welcome Brooke. If its acceptance and affirmation you need, you have come to the right place. What you describe is so familiar to so many of us. Finally getting away from the lurker status and instead becming a participant is a great step to easing the guilt and shame which has plagued so many and kept their femme side from flourishing. If you can make participation here a part of your CD experience , you may begin to achieve the psychological benefit and sense of community that it can bring.

[Sabine Janus]

" the good 'ol catholic guilt comes crashing in"

Yup, know that well. Ironic it's dispensed by a guy in a dress.

[kimdl93]

Got no answers for you. I try not to be too judgmental of my appearance, but am not always successful. What I have done is to simply accept that I will most likely be perceived as a transwoman, and realize that is OK. Second, I strongly recommend going out in daylight or early evening, and going to places that are busy and trans friendly. Third, think of what you are feeling as stage fright. It passes.

PS: Going out is neither a competition nor a litmus test. In the end do what feels comfortable and appropriate to/for you. As I often hear: you be you.

[Valerie Louise]

Hi Beano.
I looked at your profile pic and you look great. Yes, it?s improbable that you?ll pass. Ok.
I don?t. Most don?t. But we go out.
I was where you are now. You think the world cares how you look.
I can tell you from recent experience they don?t. Yeah there will be some that judge you. They also judge you in drab, and you don?t know them, so who cares?
I agree with the posts that say to go out in daylight. That was a game changer for me.
My recommendation is to put on some skinny jeans, boots if you have them, a v neck top that blends, and do up your makeup as best as you can.
Then go to a Kohls around noon when folks are at lunch. Just browse. No need to buy. If you need the restroom, go to the ladies. It?ll be fine.
Also, post in this forum where you live area wise and see if you can get another girl to PM you about going together. That really helps.
Once you do this, you will want more.

[Crissy 107]

Hi Brooke, Welcome aboard! Nice you decided to join us and as you know from lurking we are a friendly bunch. You already have some very good advice from some seasoned girls so I will just say to enjoy yourself and feel free to ask questions.

[Taylor Dame]

Welcome to this great forum! I agree with Valerie Louise to go to Kohls or other large store. I was originally full of doubt, but after a few times out it didn't bother me. If I'm clocked, so what? I learned that most other people are so involved in their own shopping that they pay no attention to you. Another plus for me at 6-feet tall is that many women are now that height or taller (must be the vitamins :battingeyelashes:). I just try to act like any other woman shopper, and have often interacted with store staff in spite of my obviously male voice. I find you are more apt to be noticed by children, so you might like shopping midday when school is in session may be better to avoid their eyes and loud voices asking, "is that a man?" From what I see in your avatar, you seem quite passable to the casual shopper.

[NjJamie]

Brooke, with the rarest exceptions I'd say all of us have had those "loss of confidence" moments but what matters is that you get back out there and just step through the door in front of you, everything you wish is right there on the other side and even the worst adventure is better than not going. I'm saying that from reading between the lines of your posting and having been right there myself. I have been out about 20 times in the past 15 months, that feeling may creep up but I now know I can just walk past it, I'm not interested in that anymore, too much to do and enjoy!

You might try a dry run, underdressed or not, but just pick a store or location of interest and from the moment you put the car in park out front you ARE Brooke, just step out and walk in, look around, get familiar with the layout and tell yourself that you will be back as soon as possible, as pretty as can be, ready to enjoy a few moments of femme comfort. A mall might be an easier start, pick one of the larger stores and just tell yourself that you are going in one door and coming out the next, when you get comfy your gait will change, you'll swing your purse and even smile at the reflection in the mirrors, you've made it!

It really is that "easy", I'm not saying it's easy overall but we all can virtually guarantee that your first one is also going to be the most memorable one, we look forward to hearing about all about it.

[MarinaTwelve200]

It Helps considerably (even with yourself) if you have a GOOD Excuse ready to explain why you are out like that, should anybody ask. "Going to a Halloween Party", or to a Womanless Beauty Contest at church. ---------Thats how I was able to let myself go out.

[nancy58]

Hi, Beano,

I took a look at your profile picture, and you look quite passable. Look and see if there are any transgender support groups in your area (or wherever you are dressing). There you will find lots of people just like you and me. Some will be more passable, and others won't look like they're trying to pass at all. I remember one fellow who came to a meeting in a dress and with a full beard. Gay bars are another place that's a sanctuary for us. And, finally, there are plenty of establishments that advertise themselves as being "LGBT(Q) friendly". If you go to one of those places and you meet up with staff who don't treat you right, ask for the manager.

Another thing is to remember that most people don't go around looking for crossdressers any more than they go around looking for gay people or any other sub-group you care to name. They are wrapped up in their own stuff, and they aren't going to notice you. When I look in the mirror, I see a man in a wig and a dress, but only once in my outings has anyone given me a second look, and that was a cashier I spoke to during check-out.

It does get easier. You have been out twice. That's hardly a trend. Give it some more tries. I feel "safer" when I go out after dark because dim light hides my numerous imperfections. I've only recently been out a few times in broad daylight, and it's been a confidence builder, but I had to go out in evenings first.

Good luck!

[Karren H]

Passing is over rated! And Welcome!

[BrendaPDX]

Beano980,
Welcome! Going out is the hardest thing, I have lost my nerve too, so don't feel bad or give up. Thanks for sharing.
Brenda

[Princess Chantal]

It Helps considerably (even with yourself) if you have a GOOD Excuse ready to explain why you are out like that, should anybody ask. "Going to a Halloween Party", or to a Womanless Beauty Contest at church. ---------Thats how I was able to let myself go out.

If you need to use an excuse like those, than you are just not ready to go out. Got to work on your internal transphobia if you feel the need to. Those excuses add shame to your and others crossdressing.

[Yinlingyen]

Welcome here to a place where we can feel welcomed.
This forum has given me so much courage and freedom... I am so grateful.
I have been out numerous times (100's) but each time I go out I still get wobbly knees.
I often have to take a deep breath and say lets do it before I die and get out of my car.
Once out you will find it so liberating.
The only time I got outed was by a policemen who did a car check on me and I was only outed when he looked at my ID. He was actually very professional ... no funny questions or looks. But this episode did scare the hell out of me. This however did not stop me from going out.
So all in all this world is not that scary.
Please do enjoy our sisterhood and feel free to explore this world from a different angle.
Love,
Yin

[Helen_Highwater]

Beano,

Firstly welcome, you've joined a very helpful and welcoming group. It's helped me tremendously in progressing my CD'ing journey.

Taking that first step out is by far the hardest. I can remember my first time out in public and in contact with others. Butterflies like eagles, sat in the car outside the shops. Stepped out, pulled on a coat, straightened hair, deep breath and walked into the nearest store and ............. nothing. No alarms, no security guards rushing to haul me to the floor, no-one pointing or laughing. No torch bearing, pitchfork waving mob.

Be clear, I don't pass when face to face. What I feel I do is blend in. Folks are more concerned about their lives, getting their shopping done to take much notice of others and if they see the things that say female then they see female unless something changes their mind.

Think of it like this. If you're in a hall with half a dozen others you'll look at each of them. If it's 200, you'll still only look at a handful. That's what going out to a busy shop in broad daylight is. You end you being one of the 190 others don't look at. Plus in the day, around the shops there's not those worst the wear for drink. No loud mouth yob unless you're really really unlucky.

So after my first shop, I hit 10-15 others spending the rest of the afternoon browsing racks and even buying things. Never looked back since.

It is scary, it is daunting but taking that first step opens up a whole new world to you. I wish you well in your journey.

[MarinaTwelve200]

If you need to use an excuse like those, than you are just not ready to go out. Got to work on your internal transphobia if you feel the need to. Those excuses add shame to your and others crossdressing.

But HEY, they worked at the time. One should use "Psychological tricks" with one's own mind to get them over mental blocks or "obstacles". The feeling of being "prepared" can go a long way to resist the "Chicken-0ut" urges. And the next times will not be as nearly as difficult once one learns "There is nothing to fear". (Not much anyway). I do not worry about "MY" "transphobia", I wouldn't CD if I did. But I DO worry about Transphobia and ignorance in OTHERS. Discretion IS important.

[alwayshave]

Brooke, Welcome to the forum. Most of us have gone through the experiences you describe. You'll get a lot of support here.

[GretchenM]

Welcome to this forum. Those feelings of uncertainty are common when we first tread beyond the door and into the rest of the world. We have been taught that what we are doing is wrong. It isn't!! I suspect you know that, but that teaching is so deeply pounded into us it has become a normal feeling at first. There are a multitude of deeply set causes for our feeling that way and some are very difficult to deal with. But doing what you fear is the best way to conquer that fear.

Personally, I rarely dress fully under any circumstances. But I do often mix attire in many different combinations. Even that created fear to some extent, at first. But now it is my normal expression. In a quick glance I look fully male but then someone might notice that I am wearing clothes in feminine colors and even styles - mostly tops. Women's T's and sweatshirts with men's jeans, maybe a pair of flats, and always a gender neutral bag over my shoulder. Some of my tops have flower patterns of some kind. People get it and it is rare I someone will give me the WTF look. At look at them back and smile and say hi. They usually relax.

Men, in general, pay little attention to me which is fine because I pay little attention to them. But women are friendly which is exactly what I want - not in the least bit in a sexual sense though. I am male, they recognize me as male, but the interaction is very much a woman to woman style of interaction which is exactly what I want to achieve. A lot obviously appreciate it. Many men these days are really hung up on presenting as strongly male, even when they are not. I don't know. Maybe it is some kind of socio-political thing. It is OK with me. They can be them and they let me be me.

It takes time and experimentation to find your way to present in the social environment and then get comfortable with it and you achieve that by doing it. Perhaps you could slowly work into a fuller expression, if that is your goal, by taking baby steps with a mix and match approach. Then add a little more. Pay close attention to the women - not the glamorous ones but the ones that are more plain and take hints from what they do. Looking around you will see a fair number of women that actually look a tad masculine in some ways - body shape, facial shape and features, etc. That provided many of the clues to me as to how to express. At 77 being a glamour woman is really not possible for most women and for most trans males. Just be what fits you best and forget about the pie in the sky goals. Then move slowly forward if you desire. As Sandi indicated, don't make your goals based on advertising; base your goals on real world evidence and the incredible variety of people you pass everyday.

[Andrea Renea]

Welcome to the forum Brooke

[amber457]

Welcome and thanks for sharing your thoughts/experiences Brooke.

I'm afraid I can not give any advice other than each of us are on a different part of our journey, we can only hope with time you get to the place you want to be.

I have read over the years a few of the ladies stories here, some find great joy in going out.

Hopefully you get a chance to hear about their experiences and that will help you on your journey.

[Beano980]

Thank you all for your kind and encouraging words. I only get the opportunity to dress fully when I travel ( which is a few times per year). I will continue to push back against my inner negative dialogue. I must admit, I miss masks. They helped soooo much with covering the dreaded stubble. I can do eye makeup fairly well, but beard coverage is a problem still. Even after my makeovers ( the first one turned out positively hideous) I can still see hints of facial hair. uggg.

[KymG]

Welcome to the club.

You probably already know this is a great place with mostly excellent advice.

[Brianne_M]

Welcome!!

[Celee]

Welcome! I?m sure you?ll love being here. I know I do.

[AllieBellema]

Welcome to the forum. I've only had one big venture out into the world en femme, but the event helped as it was a Pride event. Outside of the yearly Halloween parties that I would dress up for as well. I'm sure I'm not fully passing either as I have no experience with makeup outside of lipstick. But that's ok, I'm as passable as I'm going to be and I have fun in the end and that's what matters the most!

[ShirleyN]

Welcome aboard.

[Valerie Louise]

Brook, I also have a pale face, black hair. A lot of gray in the beard but the black is tough. There?s a whole section in the forum about beard cover, but recently I found a method that works that I?ll relate to you, since I think we are similar.
After a very close shave, use a makeup mirror and the small razors on a handle they supply with eyebrow kits in pharmacies. Look for stubble where your razor can?t get it, and hack it out with the eyebrow razor.
I found that Neutagena makes a concealer that?s very close to a burnt orange color. Put that on with brush they provide by stippling it on, not brushing. Then cover that with your skin color concealer again by stippling.
After that, some translucent fixing powder makes it look pretty good.

[Kitty Sue]

Hi there and welcome. This is a great place.

[Suranne]

Strange as it may seem, the best places to hide when out and about are the very, very busy places, places where everyone is hot and bothered and just trying to get from A to B. In those places you're one of a crowd, one of many, just another person. You pass and move on. There'll be too little time for people to have a good look at you and too many people for people to remember exactly what you looked like. Next time you're out and about, and I don't mean dressed here and you're somewhere busy, spend a little time watching the people around you and notice how they're not really bothered by other people around them. They just want to make sure that they get everything that they came out for and get back home as soon as possible. Also, when you're somewhere busy, pick a person, just any random person, and try to remember as much as you can about them. You'll soon realise how difficult it is, and how quickly you forget even the most basic of things. When you've done that with one person, try doing it with two, or three or four. Unless you've got a super memory, then you'll find it very hard. Another thing to remember when out and about is that not everything is about you - if you hear someone laugh, they're not laughing at you, ok they may be but the chances are far higher that they won't be, because people laugh. And you never know, you might even have happen what hapeened to me on Saturday when I was out and about our local city, when a harrassed husband said to his wife impatiently "Come on, keep up!" and she replied "I just need to let this lady pass first" :)

If you walk around a hotel car park, chaces are that you'll be the only person there and anybody that sees you will have nothing else to distract them.

But, the goldenest rule of all, is never do more than you're happy to do, bearing in mind that initially, yes, it can be uncomfortable, but that's a phase you have to get through.

And here's another thought, that in order to 'see' you, to 'read' you, to 'out' you then people need two bits of information at the same time, they need to see you and recognise you as a male person, and they need to see what you're wearing and register that you're wearing female clothes. And then, they have to make the mental connection that the face doen't, in their gendered world, go with the clothes and that something they just saw doesn't add up. Remember too, that most people don't go out looking for crossdressers or trans people, they just happen on them and as they're not expecting them, the fact that that person just went the other way is a crossdresser or trans, isn't necessarily the first thing that will spring into their mind. Again, next time you're back in a busy place and you're looking at peolpe notice that as you pass someone you have to make a real effort to see the detail of the face and the detail of what they're wearing. I know of people who have sat in a full room for 20 minutes to half an hour before someone else noticed they had a dress on.

In all of this, I'm not saying it's easy and completely trouble free, but, I think that when people who want to go out sort out the six inches inside their own head, then the rest of the nine yards out in the real world are a lot easier.

Oh, and a final, final thing here, you'll actually discover too that there are many, many people out there who like to see a person who is different, who is happy and confident to be different in the world. You'll get into conversations that you never thought you'd have, you'll get makeup tips, you'll get shopping hints and tips, you'll get people who like your necklace, your coat, your bag, your shoes, you'll find out what she really thinks of her husband!! It opens so many doors and for me it's a great way to be. Good luck wherever your journey takes you.

[JaclynL61]

Welcome Brooke.

[Juliet E]

I had started by dressing in slacks and button down blouse, usually black wearing some forms. But a couple of years ago I finally did the wig, skirt and feminine blouse. The first place I went was a wig shop. They are probably used to it and will not judge. It was so exhilarating to wear a full female outfit. Covid had lightened up but I still wore a mask. It helped give me confidence. I went to a couple of wig stores, then a shoe store and was feeling much more confident and then went to a citi trends and looked at dresses which I had not planned to do. Just take one step at a time.

[Ivanna Razzo]

welcome!

[Kerry Michaels]

I understand. I always think I look like a man in a dress but I also think I look really good for a man in a dress. Many women look bad for a woman in a dress. If all those distinctions mean nothing then stop worrying.
I don?t go out in public but I?m more worried about family impact than personal shame.