Really bad reaction from the wife. I may not be Laura for much longer.

[JustLaura]

Please don't let the title of this post suggest I'm going to do any self-harm. I'm just saying that I may not be able to dress as Laura ever again. This is the first time I've been to the forum in a long time and I'm sad that it might be forever eventually. I hope that I haven't violated the rules by typing in partially censored profanity.

Laura was my name when I first joined this forum many years ago. I browsed the forum avidly for several years as I started discovering how strong my desires were. As I re-read that last sentence, it seems to be such a contradiction, because I've been crossdressing on and off since I was five and in varying levels of "intensity". I'll put that story in my re-introduction post if I can.

After several years away from the forum, including not dressing very much because of the pandemic, I'm coming back on to possibly say goodbye and to perhaps seek some counsel. Again, to be clear, I'm not thinking of self-harm. But after 21 years of marriage, I came out to my wife, and it went very badly.

The story is a bit convoluted, but please bear with me as I start at the semi-beginning.

In addition to my crossdressing, I have been obsessed with trans porn for a long time. Perhaps addicted is more accurate. I was regularly viewing it after we married and one day, two years into our marriage she caught me. She was furious and considered this equivalent to cheating on her. I vowed not to do it again, but eventually I started up again. At the same time, I was diving deeper into my crossdressing and started buying more and more outfits, shoes and hosiery over the years. I don't think I need to tell you that I did all this secretively and when only when she was out of the house and the kids were at school.

This went on for the next 19 years until last week, when she again found me looking at pictures. This time however, they were photos of CDs on Flickr, and she didn?t notice that they were GGs. The same goes with the first time she caught me; she didn't realize they were trans women.

This second time she caught me she was just as furious if not more so, because I had broken my promise. The fact that we were going on a family trip along with our two grown kids the next day was especially difficult. Over the week, though, she thawed a bit and started talking to me again. Perhaps it was for the sake of appearance in front of the kids and in front of family we were visiting.

As the week progressed, I kept thinking about how to address the elephant in the room. I felt if it was brought up or there was an opportunity to bring it up, I would confess to her. When we got back home, we were going to my son?s hockey game. After we dropped him off at the arena doors, we parked. This was the first time we were alone and I thought this might be the time she would bring up the pictures and the crossdressing. In retrospect I now know that was wrong. And I should have known that since, when I was visiting this forum before, I saw all the advice from people that pretty much suggested that this approach would be the worst way to do it.

Nonetheless, what happened happened. I apologized for looking at pictures of women again, and she actually kindly asked why I was doing it. I said it's a long story and I'm afraid of how you'll react if I tell you why. She said for me to tell her and I told her that I was looking at pictures of CDs and trans porn. I then told her that I crossdressed and had done it for a long time.

Her reaction was shock and silence. She told me to get out and go watch our son?s game. She came in shortly after, sat down on the bench beside me, and pushed me away from her.

The last two days has been a lot of anger, fury, and accusations of betrayal and of ruining our marriage. I'm a sick -. This (the porn and the crossdressing) is a disease. This is no longer a marriage. You're a selfish - You're not the man I married. You're not a man. You're an ugly blank blank girl. You've never loved me. You married me so you could show everyone you're straight.

Somewhere in there, she slapped me and hit me several times, too.

Yesterday, after several more hours of fury vented at me, she demanded I show her the clothes. I pulled out a bag that was in my downstairs office and she alternated between fury and sobbing. She demanded I throw out the clothes I showed her, which I did (although there are few bags in the garage I will throw out as well). (I know, purging is not going to work; it will come back stronger than ever.) I did tell her that I was afraid of needing to dress again. That disgusted her more. And she said if that?s the case, this marriage is over.

She asked why didn't I tell her before, and I said it was hard for me to find a way to come out to her, that I was in fear of this very same reaction, and that I thought I could pleasure myself (which at times I did want to do). She said that if I did come out to her before I proposed she would have said To hell with you and walked away. But now she?s stuck in this marriage that is not a marriage, and she is so furious at having been betrayed and lied to for over 20 years. I couldn't argue with that.

I actually booked an online therapist right then and there to ask for guidance on this and to see what the next steps could be. As I spoke to the therapist, my wife listened to the conversation (because she doesn't trust me), but out of sight of the video camera. I told the story I just told you and the therapist suggested I approach my wife to see if she would go for couples counselling to arrive at some compromise. She did not react well to that comment. My wife later said why should I have to compromise? This is all you! You ruined the marriage! You ruined three people's lives!

When I mentioned to the therapist that my wife said I was sick, the therapist gave a sympathetic "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. This is a part of you and it's not harming anyone". My wife again seethed in rage on hearing that.

So now, to save my marriage, I have committed to seeking therapy to address my porn addiction, and also to see how I can stop crossdressing. She feels that the two go hand in hand, so all of it has to stop. And even then, she said that this, pointing at herself and then to me, is no longer a marriage.

Yet the thing is, my wife is right. I no longer love her. I did at first, but I guess, like me, she didn't turn out to be the woman I married. I can go into that a lot more, but the point is, I am ready to separate and seek a divorce. I can't go on having this held over my head and likely belittling me for the rest of my life. She's threatened to tell everyone, and if I tell the kids, she will pack up and take the kids with her. To be honest, I'm ok if others find out. There may be some who don't accept me, but I?m tired of hiding this. As well, I think and hope my kids would be accepting of my crossdressing (the porn not so much). My daughter who is the oldest considers herself an ally. But who knows what their reactions will be when they find out their dad is a CD?

But, after all the belittling she threw at me, I seethed inside as well and I don't think I can live with her going forward. The reactionary part of me wants to bide my time, prepare for a divorce and move out shortly.

This may seem hypocritical given that I've committed to seeing a therapist to address my addiction to porn and my crossdressing desires, but I can't live with her. She will never trust me, or so she says, and if it was me in her shoes, I could honestly say I wouldn?t either.

So that's sort of my story for the last two weeks. I'd love to get some advice and support. Slings and arrows, maybe not so much, but I get that I probably did a lot of things wrong. But any advice on trying to mend the relationship (or not), or actually planning for a divorce would be helpful to me. Thanks for listening.

[Sandi Beech]

Ouch, that is a difficult situation you are in. So sorry. It is no wonder many fear telling their wives about their crossdressing. I really have no advice. You will have to find your own path. I do think porn can have a negative effect on some people. I stay away from it, but I had a similar reaction with a therapist. It was all about fixing me in my wife?s eyes. I understand that position, but it makes things nearly impossible to work out. That is why I do none of it in front of my wife. Out of sight and out of mind was my only way out.

Sandi

[NancyJ]

Laura, I found this post extremely painful to read. Not long ago I started a thread about the cost of secrets in relationships. This is exhibit One. And then you deceive the online therapist by allowing your wife to listen In without informing the therapist. Oh my!

I understand both your hurt and her fury, hurt, and mistrust. Your relationship is very damaged. Maybe it can recover, maybe not, but it will require honesty and no abusive communication. IMO, you can learn to give up the porn, but not the desire and urge to crossdress.

Love can be recovered, as can trust, but you must be motivated to work for it. This is probably not a DIY project. Hopefully you both can find the right help. Good therapists are hard to find these days. Nancy

[Emily in the south]

This is so very sad to read about.
Please accept my very best wishes for things to have a positive outcome for your future in whatever direction things take.

Emily

[JulieC]

JustLaura,

I'm very sorry you're having to go through this. I'm sure plenty of us will chime in with advice. I'll give my $.02...

I think your marriage is doomed. I don't think it's doomed because your wife is totally unaccepting of your crossdressing. That might (might) be manageable. We have many posters here who are in don't-ask-don't-tell marriages and they make it work. If your marriage were to stay together, it would have to be DADT. That's not really the problem. The problem is two fold; she doesn't view herself as in a marriage with you anymore, and you don't love her anymore. That's fundamentally undermining to the marriage. I would give it a 95% chance she is already planning divorce. PROTECT yourself. The world is full of tales of divorces where one spouse was planning for a while and utterly destroyed the person they are divorcing. Forgive me, but your wife sounds like such a person. Get a lawyer...NOW...before the brown stuff hits the rotating device and you're caught flatfooted. Your wife doesn't have to know...at this point...that you've hired a lawyer. Do it to get professional advice on how to proceed to best protect your interests.

Your friends and family finding out about this seems a foregone conclusion. I would not place any weight in your wife threatening to tell everyone. It's not a threat if there's zero chance she wouldn't tell. She's going to tell. Just accept now that she's going to do it. You might consider de-fanging her moves in this regard by telling people yourself, on your terms, before she has a chance to do so. Doing so would allow you to tell them without all the hate and vitriol she will no doubt spew about you. It will take courage to tell people, but it will be a far better outcome than if she tells everyone things like "Your brother is a sick f*** who has lied, cheated, and hid things from me for years" etc. etc. etc. If you tell them yourself, before she does, she could come off as a seriously deranged, vengeful spouse. It could very well backfire on her.

Addiction of any kind is a serious problem. Being addicted to porn is a known problem, and counseling can help get past that. I strongly advise you to get counseling regarding that. Crossdressing is NOT an addiction and should not be treated as such. If your therapist tries to treat it like that, you're talking to the wrong therapist. The therapist you've discussed this with so far seems to be good on this point; it is part of you.

Stop throwing out your femme clothes. You're just wasting money, and acquiescing to a vengeful woman who very likely is already in the process of trying to divorce you. There's no point.

Consider getting a small storage unit. Put your femme clothes there along with various other valuables that are of importance to you. If you don't, there's a fair chance she'll make sure you never get them.

Do NOT be the one to leave the house if you own the house. Talk to a lawyer about this. If she wants to do the leaving, better for you from a legal perspective.

Given how far down the road of absolute hatred of this aspect of you that she has, and her unwillingness to even consider the therapist might be right, I don't see any hope. Personally, even if I still loved my wife, I would see no future in the relationship and would be working to develop the best path forward without her.

Lastly, do NOT stop being Laura. You don't have to. You might not be able to crossdress for the time being, but that doesn't mean you're not Laura. Don't allow your wife to control this about you.

Keep us in the loop, and ask any questions you may have. We'll be happy to help.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Laura, yours is indeed a very sad story, and my heart goes out to you for having to suffer through this extremely difficult time. You didn't say how your marriage was before this all happened, but from the way your wife verbally AND physically abused you, I can guess that it wasn't good, and perhaps had been going downhill for a long time. So unless there are extenuating circumstances that you didn't include in your post, I'd say the marriage is over and move out as soon as you can afford to do so. I don't think therapy for the relationship would do any good at this point, but it's worth a try if you both agree to sincerely give it your best shot. If, miraculously, you can reconcile, you can always move back in and heal the emotional wounds. As for the porn, if it's truly an addiction (i.e., spending several hours on most or all days), then I think therapy would be appropriate. But many people do look at porn occasionally, and if that's the case and if it's not having a significant negative effect on your life, then I wouldn't worry about it. Finally, as others have said, your need to crossdress will be with you forever, so that should be the least of your concerns, now anyway. Good luck working your way through this. Let us know how it goes.

Hugs,
Larissa

[Geena75]

Laura

Your story is the fears I have in my relationship. Although I think we would survive my coming out to her, I don't think Geena would. I do hope things work out for you, whatever comes.

My one thought is that does your spouse understand that this has been a part of you all along? The only difference is that now she knows. The change in things is actually her, not so much you. You do have to deal with the deception factor, and giving up the CD porn might be a good thing. The real issue is not so much your dressing, but her total revulsion to it. Her parochial view on things may be the roadblock from getting past it.

Hang in there. Do good things. I have heard of spouses taking a long time to get some level of understanding. You could gauge that better than we could.

My heart goes out to you during this very rough time.

[kimdl93]

Whew! Thats a lot to get through.

Porn addiction is real and treatable. It is also incredibly commonplace, so do not feel alone. One aspect of dealing with any addiction is to identify and if possible address the underlying drivers. That is something for you and your therapist to work through. It could be that you seek CD porn as an outlet for repressed gender identity. Do not assume that to be the case, but it is one possibility. And it could be that you have some other deep seated emotional issue unrelated to CDing. CDing might simply be a means of coping with the underlying issue.

I have had some issues with porn / sexual addiction in my life, but I have never satisfactorily answered (for myself) whether I consumed port as a way of coping with a repressed, non-binary gender identity or if cross dressing was a symptom of some other problem. I could make a fairly decent argument for either interpretation.

I hope you have more success in getting to the root of your porn addiction.

[Dutchess]

I feel sorry for your wife..

That was me a few years back..now he lives in his car looking like a crazy person he can dress and look at all the porn he wants. The t/cd porn/dressing just took over..

This may be a part of you but not all parts of all people need to exist or be exposed if it causes real trouble in your life in general..

I totally agree that the porn and dressing are related. Alot of people here have led sheltered lives and do NOT want to admit that sexuality/eroticism in anyway has anything to do with this or face it either- but its true . The reason she feels such hate is because that very effectively takes you away from her..and she is quite resentful..The time spent with them should be time spent with her.. life is so short..

I was living a celibate life for years just to support his fantasy life.. what is going on is also not fair to her either.. I acted out in a way totally unlike who I normally am ..whether you want to stay with her or not you've pushed the envelope way WAY too far for her ..she can't compete with someone who has totally different parts..
But yeah plenty here on this thread will bash her so go ahead..but most here don't care if you are alone or not or really even what happens to you ..this woman DID care.

As I have said in the past some men can handle this some can't

Please note we are only hearing one side.. and yes you are an adult and should be able to control yourself.

[Kris Burton]

Laura - this is such a sad story, and perhaps exhibit A why so many of us fear coming out and crossdress entirely in secret, even from our wives. I am not a marital therapist by any stretch, but your description as well the vitriol and physical violence you describe upon coming out suggest that your marriage was in trouble long before your big reveal. Physical violence and this level of verbal abuse is never acceptable. Julie C offers some good advice on how to proceed if you think divorce is your remaining option. Therapy may be advisable to combat your porn addiction, but the crossdressing is an entirely different issue in my estimation and a harmless one at that as your therapist suggests. However, it sounds like your wife cannot accept these things, and may be planning divorce as well. I do not think attempting to stop crossdressing will help you or your marriage at this point. Like everyone here, I wish you well in getting through this very tough period of your life.

[AmyJordan]

I'm so sorry you are in such a terrible position it must be so difficult and upsetting to have an unsupportive partner and be made to feel you have destroyed their lives by doing something that you really cannot control and is part of you. Maybe it is just the shock making her react this way and keeping it secret for so long must feel like a bit of a betrayal but you have been together for so long that there must be true love somewhere in your relationship. I hope you work things out but if not and the worst case happens please remember that better times lay ahead and you never know a true understanding soulmate may just be around the corner. Take care

[Di]

Glad you are in therapy but I feel sorry for your wife your constant lies , why would she ever trust anything you ever say?
You said you do not even love her…..is that out of anger?
Again glad you are getting help ,and hope you overcome your addictive behavior but wish you thought more of your wife to have fixed it long ago,
Maybe there still can be hope to see what you once had long ago……but go for the right reasons .
How sad

[Uncomfortablebuthere]

I'm sorry to be harsh, but it's sounds like you've already got one foot out the door. Why try to make it work? Do you even want to make it work? Are you going to therapy for marriage counseling or because you want someone to tell you this is ok and not hurting anyone? It's obviously hurting your wife.
Idk I think the lying is the worst part. You kept something from your spouse for 2 decades. Of course she's beyond a little upset. I get that you got a therapist and threw out your clothes, but you need to change your whole out look if you want to fix this. If your wife felt loved and wanted she maybe more inclined to except your cross dressing.
I just believe in being honest and kind to each other. I feel in all relationships you often get what you give. If you don't love her and this is more important to you than your marriage I wouldn't waste anymore of your time or hers. I'm sorry.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

What JulieC said. Word for word.

And there IS life after divorce, if that's what it comes to. The only advice I can offer is this: Decide right now if you want to save your marriage or not. And then there you are, run with your decision because it's likely the right one.

[DianeT]

-- Post amended after original publication --

To members advising for taking the divorce route without delay: Have you ever gone through a crisis with your wife? Did you ever say things that were a little excessive when you were upset? Did your wife too? Do you really think Laura should start making plans for a divorce while the sparks are still flying?
The reveal happened just one week ago and this couple is still in the midst of this big bang explosion. Laura should take a deep breath and wait for the dust to settle a bit before taking life-changing decisions. Maybe the marriage is doomed. Maybe not. But one thing is sure: you don't make these choices in the heat of fury and resentment.

And like Jennifer said, it's more the lying than the dressing. You can go to any therapist and they will tell you the dressing is ok. But I doubt they'll tell you that lying for 21 years (I did for 36) to your spouse is. The dressing won't go away, so if your wife stays with you she'll need to live with it to some extent (she can't picture this right now, she is still in shock, anger and denial at this point). But what can go away, and you have no excuse to not stop it, is the lying. It has to go if you want any chance to mend your couple.

As for the "she's not the wife I married", did your wife lie to you like you did to her? Otherwise this means she just evolved, like everyone else as they make their way through life. If you love your wife you will accompany her throughout these changes and keep loving her.

[Philippa Jane]

Wow. That is a fairly full on reaction.
In my very humble opinion there is never a good time to broach the subject of being a CD.
Sure you can pick a time when you feel comfortable but in coming out you need to be prepared to loose everything.
I am going to generalise here and say that so many times we see members coming out to their wives at the most inappropriate times. Usually under stress from being caught out.
Here I speak from experience.

Getting caught looking at porn twice and having such a bad reaction from your wife seems like a massive over reaction (leading me to think there is more to the story)
I can totally understand her reaction to your CD side (maybe not the vitriol) in that it was a secret from her.
There can be so little understanding at the weight we carry in trying to be "normal"

As with others I think that your relationship is doomed and marriage counseling is a pipe dream. Speaking from experience again my SO would not go to counselling either.
We on the other hand did work through it with DADT.

I did find that rather than tell people that I was Transgender ( It is easy to get off point when talking ) I made up a page that outlined my history (be brief) from a young age and through my life.
I gave these to friends and asked that they be open and ask questions if there was anything they felt they did not understand.
If you decide to get your story out there first I would suggest that you go see friends at their house or a park. This way if it becomes an issue with them you can just walk away.
I had positive responses to this from all of my friends.

Living under the same roof is going to be problematic for you both but if you ever felt anything for her try at least to be civil.
Best of luck

[Heather76]

The last two days has been a lot of anger, fury, and accusations of betrayal and of ruining our marriage. I'm a sick -. This (the porn and the crossdressing) is a disease. This is no longer a marriage. You're a selfish - You're not the man I married. You're not a man. You're an ugly blank blank girl. You've never loved me. You married me so you could show everyone you're straight.

Somewhere in there, she slapped me and hit me several times, too.

I did tell her that I was afraid of needing to dress again. That disgusted her more. And she said if that's the case, this marriage is over.

I actually booked an online therapist right then and there to ask for guidance on this and to see what the next steps could be. As I spoke to the therapist, my wife listened to the conversation (because she doesn't trust me), but out of sight of the video camera. I told the story I just told you and the therapist suggested I approach my wife to see if she would go for couples counselling to arrive at some compromise. She did not react well to that comment. My wife later said why should I have to compromise? This is all you! You ruined the marriage! You ruined three people's lives!

When I mentioned to the therapist that my wife said I was sick, the therapist gave a sympathetic "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. This is a part of you and it's not harming anyone". My wife again seethed in rage on hearing that.

So now, to save my marriage, I have committed to seeking therapy to address my porn addiction, and also to see how I can stop crossdressing. She feels that the two go hand in hand, so all of it has to stop. And even then, she said that this, pointing at herself and then to me, is no longer a marriage.

Yet the thing is, my wife is right. I no longer love her. I am ready to separate and seek a divorce. I can't go on having this held over my head and likely belittling me for the rest of my life. She's threatened to tell everyone, and if I tell the kids, she will pack up and take the kids with her. To be honest, I'm ok if others find out.
But, after all the belittling she threw at me, I seethed inside as well and I don't think I can live with her going forward.

...but I can't live with her. She will never trust me, or so she says,

Having nothing to do with crossdressing, I went thru a divorce after 17 years of marriage. My wife and I were both 20 when we got married. This was in 1965. I ended up enlisting in the Navy rather than being drafted into the Army. (I had received my draft notice.) Part of my service involved being aboard a small ship that spent a lot of time IN the rivers of Vietnam. When I was discharged from active duty we had been married and apart for 18 months. We never had arguments of any consequence; but, my experience in Vietnam changed me a bit. Even though we had our daughter about 5 years into our marriage and our sone 2 1/2 years later, I knew my wife and I were growing apart. Yes, about 6 or 7 years into our marriage I was no longer at all in love with her. But, nobody in my family tree had ever been divorced except my younger brother. I stuck around faking a happy face for another 10 years. One day I realized there had to be more to marriage than what I was experiencing. I sought a divorce. At the time we lived in Illinois. Also at that time (1982) there were only 5 reasons a person could file for divorce and none of them applied to me. I could not file for divorce. I had to convince her to file. The only grounds she could file under was "Mental cruelty" because I had told her I didn't love her. In her mind, I became the worst of the worst scum of the earth for ruining our marriage. Our children were 12 and 9 at the time.

Fast forward. I've been married to my current wife for almost 39 years and I feel more passion about her just looking at her across the dinner table than I ever did with my 1st wife. I would not recommend divorce to my worst enemy; but, given the same circumstances I had, I'd go thru it again in a heartbeat.

The point of all this is to suggest those parts of your original post that I copied would indicate it is time for you to SERIOUSLY consider filing for divorce. The first thing you need to do is seek out the best divorce attorney in your area that you can find and afford. Do this without your wife's knowledge. If she knows you plan to file, she may beat you to the best divorce attorney. I know this because my attorney told me after I retained his services, my ex tried to hire him. Naturally, he had to turn her down. Once you've hired him, tell him EVERYTHING. Then ask him if there is any way at all your wife can be restricted in what she says about you to others. There may be a question of libel or slander involved.

The fact that your wife cannot reasonably discuss this and is unwilling to go to couples counseling should be a wake-up call for you. You are correct, she will never trust you again and you will HATE trying to prove yourself to her for the rest of your life. That is no way to live. You know, as does your therapist, that CDing is not a disease and really cannot be "cured." It is a part of us. It can be masked for a while at best. But, the desire will always be there to one degree or another. With regard to watching porn, I will only say I doubt it is all that unusual in these times of the internet. If you watch it for hours on end every day, then I'd agree it's a problem. I often watch trans porn (my favorite kind) as well as some porn that plays to a particular fetish I have. But, I spend on average maybe 1 hour/week watching porn. I hardly believe that constitutes an obsession or an addiction.

Although your circumstance is different from mine when I went thru my divorce, the fact you don't love her any longer and the fact she says the marriage is over in her mind, is fairly strong proof divorce is the next step. I wish you well on whatever way you decide to move forward. I know the prospect of divorce is daunting; but, once it is all said and done you can begin your new life on your terms. If that includes being 100% out of the closet, that's great. If you wish to remain in the closet to some degree, that's fine, too.

Hugs,

Heather

[JulieC]

DianeT,

I'm sorry we disagree. Regardless, I don't think it gives you grounds to full on attack me for expressing my opinion. I'm not going to defend to you the comments I made. It's obvious I don't need to.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Laura wrote: "I no longer love her."

DianeT: Maybe you didn't see the above when you wrote "If you love your wife"

Just keepin' it real.

[TheHiddenMe]

1. You're a crossdresser. You've known it since you were five. It's not going away. You probably need counseling to help you accept it's part of you.

2. Porn "addiction".

Here is a summary from a website.


Porn addiction refers to a person becoming emotionally dependent on pornography to the point that it interferes with their daily life, relationships, and ability to function.

This type of addiction may be quite common. Some doctors consider porn addiction to be a hypersexual disorder ? an umbrella term that includes behaviors such as excessive masturbation.

A 2019 studyTrusted Source suggests that the prevalence of these disorders may be about 3?6%. However, the rates have been difficult to determine due to a lack of formal classification.

Porn addiction remains a controversial issue, with some research suggesting that it is not a real condition at all.

If it impacts your life, then you are part of the 3 to 6%. Otherwise, as I suspect, you are one of millions (billions) worldwide who watch porn, like most of those on this board.

3. Yes, you lied 20 years ago. More accurately, you told your wife what she wanted to hear, because you knew what her reaction would be. Regardless of what you should have done, you can't change the past.

4. Based on your wife's reaction with the online counselor, she is unwilling to accept the idea that you don't need "fixing". Based on your reaction, she is never going to be accepting.

5. SHE WAS PHYSICALLY ABUSIVE TO YOU. If the abuse were reversed, everyone would be telling the female to get out. THE SAME APPLIES TO YOU.

6. By your own words, you don't love her anymore, and from her words and actions, she doesn't love you anymore. That is exactly what divorce is for.

7. Yes, she is likely to trash you. You are probably best to own up to it with your kids, who are the ones that matter. However, being a crossdresser in 2022 is not grounds for exclusive child custody arrangements. If your wife is abusive to you, that outweighs any issue with you being a crossdresser.

8. The issue isn't porn or crossdressing or not being honest. The issue is that the two of you don't have a healthy relationship, and that is causing both of you pain. The only way forward IMO is to end the relationship. Contacting a lawyer to discuss the next steps is, IMO, probably a step you need to take.

Good luck.

[char GG]

It's not just the CDing and the trans porn, it's the lying and repeated promises broken - by your own admission. Why should she ever believe you? Trust is very hard to recover, and it may take years of working on it to make it work. If you have no interest in making it work, then that is a moot point.

Ok, this incident that you have relayed just happened a few days ago so the hurt and anger is still fresh. I give you credit for seeing a therapist but don't expect everything to be fine just because you have taken that step.

If you truly don't love her any longer, give her a break and don't put her through your drama any longer. You may be happier with your other activities, and she won't have to wonder what you are doing when she isn't around.

Many women can live quite nicely with CDing. Throw in trans porn, promises broken, and lying, it muddies the waters of whether or not this marriage will be viable.

Wishing you the best.

[NonbiNancy]

JustLaura, It felt so sad reading your post. I personally think you're getting a lot of good advice here, because you're getting to hear the many sides (+/-) of what many of us have gone through. I honestly have little more to add than to say, PLEASE become and stay honest with yourself and your wife (unfair and unkind to both of you). If CD brings you the joy that it brings most (all) of us here, then why would you live a lie by giving it up now? As you've been reading, the harm was from deceit. And that deceit was likely because you knew that you had to hide who you are. I know a lot of ladies here hide, and I'm certainly not here to judge (I hid almost my whole life too) but as someone that came out to all her loved ones, I can't tell you how good it feels to not hide who I am (a non-binary CD). Please don't deny who you are (lie to yourself) and go back in the closet or try to bury who you are to stay in a relationship. Stay honest!

-NonbiNancy

[DianeT]

DianeT,

I'm sorry we disagree. Regardless, I don't think it gives you grounds to full on attack me for expressing my opinion. I'm not going to defend to you the comments I made. It's obvious I don't need to.
JulieC I didn't react to your opinions, you are entitled to yours, I reacted to your directives, which are a different thing. But you are right and I apologize to you and Ordinary. I amended my post.

[Debs]

Another key point that hasnt been mentioned, If you split how will this affect both you and your wife financially, who is the bread winner, I ask this question because it was a key factor in my spliiting with my first wife, I was reluctant to leave her because financially she would not have been able to survive, but we decided there wasnt a future, so after we split, maybe it was guilt or maybe I just still cared for her, I supported her financially for 3 years + until she found her feet, we are good friends now, she even buys me stuff and posts it to me.

[Gi Gondin]

I am very sorry for all this situation. It seems to me that Laura was pretty reckless and did not address the situation with the minimal empathy or care for her wife. Whether you love her or not, she deserves empathy and respect. Telling such a big revelation in a car seems to me that more consideration for the whole situation and enough planning is missing.

I am sorry. Hope you take your next steps with more respect for your wife.

[audreyinalbany]

the thing that stood out to me most of all was that your wife listened in off camera while you met with the therapist....to me that's probably the ultimate no fly zone. I can't imagine such a grotesque intrusion. If she feels betrayed by your deception I can't imagine a bigger betrayal than her eavesdropping on such a private time. Although I agree it's very early in the process and emotions are still running high, it is hard to picture a satisfactory way forward.

[nancy58]

Laura, I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. I have two initial thoughts, the first being that a successful marriage will always involve compromise, and the second being that you may be in an untenable situation. Physical violence is not OK, regardless of who is doing the hitting. I believe couples counseling is essential, but like my newspaper's advice columnist frequently says, if your partner won't go with you, go for yourself. I can't speak to the pornography aspect; while I've enjoyed a handful of pictures here and there, I've never sought it out. As for crossdressing, it has never gone away for me, although it receded into the background for a few years. My therapist once compared it to an addiction like alcoholism, and, just as I do with alcohol, I try not to allow it to control me. I am lucky enough that my wife sort-of understands. I hope you can either come to some agreement with your wife, even if that means going your separate ways.

[Veronica Lacey]

-- Post amended after original publication --

To members advising for taking the divorce route without delay: Have you ever gone through a crisis with your wife? Did you ever say things that were a little excessive when you were upset? Did your wife too? Do you really think Laura should start making plans for a divorce while the sparks are still flying?
The reveal happened just one week ago and this couple is still in the midst of this big bang explosion. Laura should take a deep breath and wait for the dust to settle a bit before taking life-changing decisions. Maybe the marriage is doomed. Maybe not. But one thing is sure: you don't make these choices in the heat of fury and resentment.

And like Jennifer said, it's more the lying than the dressing. You can go to any therapist and they will tell you the dressing is ok. But I doubt they'll tell you that lying for 21 years (I did for 36) to your spouse is. The dressing won't go away, so if your wife stays with you she'll need to live with it to some extent (she can't picture this right now, she is still in shock, anger and denial at this point). But what can go away, and you have no excuse to not stop it, is the lying. It has to go if you want any chance to mend your couple.

As for the "she's not the wife I married", did your wife lie to you like you did to her? Otherwise this means she just evolved, like everyone else as they make their way through life. If you love your wife you will accompany her throughout these changes and keep loving her.

Well put, Diane.

[alwayshave]

Laura, I'm so sorry for you. I am am even more sorry for your wife's reaction. I can tell you as someone who has gone through a divorce it is pretty bad. However, I came out on the other side a better person. I have a wife who accepts and encourages me. Unlike you, my marriage didn't end over CDing. She didn't know. Had she, she would have used it against me. I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you sometimes divorce is the better option. I hope that one way or the other everything works out for you.

[NancyJ]

the thing that stood out to me most of all was that your wife listened in off camera while you met with the therapist....to me that's probably the ultimate no fly zone. I can't imagine such a grotesque intrusion. If she feels betrayed by your deception I can't imagine a bigger betrayal than her eavesdropping on such a private time. Although I agree it's very early in the process and emotions are still running high, it is hard to picture a satisfactory way forward.

Totally agree! Therapy is private. Don’t let her do this. It is not only a betrayal of you, but the therapist, too.

[Maria 60]

I'm so sorry reading this for both of you. I was kind of going to give the "wait till the dust settles a little before" thery, but then you said you didn't love her. The problem with giving advice here is I don't know you and your wife and don't know how your marriage was before this. I sometimes hear about couples splitting and sometimes it's not surprising knowing them. If you feel there's a chance then every hour and day that goes by will be a learning curve and should give you more clarity and maybe both of you will calm down and see things differently. It seems like everything is going so fast forward the way your exampling it and the cut is still bleeding. I hope it all works out but the next few days weeks will be your direction. Keep us in the loop and let us know how it's going. Wish I could help out but I just don't know you both and I'm only hearing one side of the story. Don't forget we are good listener here.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Yet the thing is, my wife is right. I no longer love her. I did at first, but I guess, like me, she didn't turn out to be the woman I married. I can go into that a lot more, but the point is, I am ready to separate and seek a divorce.

From this quote it is quite obvious that Laura has had enough, and the relationship wasn't a good one even before the CD incident. I allowed myself to put up with a similarly abusive wife for over 20 years "for the sake of the kids," even though they had to witness the screaming and my wife throwing my things around (not related to CD - she didn't know). I'm very happy to have found someone who is just the opposite in every way, and I love her dearly. I'll be 70 years old next year and the one thing I've become more and more aware of is that life is TOO SHORT! No one should waste time, energy, money, and HAPPINESS in such a toxic relationship. So Laura, GET OUT as soon as you can (taking appropriate legal precautions as others have advised) and start your new life of freedom.

More Hugs,
Larissa

[Dutchess]

Yeah its never obvious...never think you know everything..my porn addicted cd ex would talk about me in the same way for attn OP did and I did not know anything about this ( like this ones wife does not) until one of his chasers ended up on our doorstep to have a word with me..
I was TERRIFIED when a strange man thinking he was defending this "poor put upon transperson" showed up in person to talk to me about things I had no clue as to what he was talking about..I was afraid he would assault me or injure me in some way defending my "husbands""honor" ..
For a bunch of folks claiming to be femme it sure is masculine in here right now...

[ReineD]

It sounds like other than the CDing and porn issues, the two of you have a good life together? You sounded relieved when when she thawed out somewhat during your trip away and you did say that in the car she asked why you looked at porn in a kind way. It sounds like she was wanting to understand, but the unexpected shock of what you told her just blew her away. It doesn’t sound as if your personalities are incompatible - I’m guessing that the two of you manage well when it comes to co-parenting and living your day-to-day lives together?

So the issue is sexual compatibility/incompatibility wound up in all kinds of anger (right now) and lack of knowledge and understanding. On both sides.

She wants (or wanted) to have a sexual relationship with a husband who is into her and only her (in her eyes, as a proof of love toward her just as she has shown toward you), but your sexual interests lay and have laid elsewhere, namely toward CD porn and the CDing. It feels like cheating to her and she is furious right now. She feels betrayed. She thinks the life she had with you was all a lie. It’s not cheating to you, because your sexual interests weren’t directed toward another GG. But that doesn’t matter. Your sexual interests were pointed elsewhere, it doesn’t really matter where. There is/was a lack of mutual reciprocity and this is painful to the partner who is left behind.

Right now you’re angry at what you perceive is her lack of understanding. You read posts in this forum from CDers whose wives are accepting and you are resentful that your wife doesn’t feel the same way. You see her fury now and you think this will be her state of mind for the rest of your life. But you need to understand that all emotional reactions to shocking news are transitional. They do not last forever. Still, right now your immediate reaction is to chuck it all in and run.

Which is a big mistake.

You can’t compare your situation with other couples who appear to have it easier than you, because every couple has different life circumstances, different backgrounds, the wives found out within different time frames and in different manners, etc, etc, etc. The way that each couple handles something like this is entirely unique to their situation and their particular dynamics in and out of the bedroom.And solutions don’t always come easily for every couple. Some marriages have found a way to navigate the CDing, but I guarantee you that the initial shock of it all out was just as explosive as in your situation. The difference is, they worked at it and at their relationship. And you’re thinking about running.

Now let’s talk about divorce. My marriage ended after nearly 30 years (not to a CDer … my current SO is a CDer, not my ex) and let me tell you that breaking up my family was the worst thing I’ve ever gone through. It was excruciatingly difficult for me, my ex, and our kids, who still suffer some of the fallout today in their own relationships. And the financial consequences were awful. My ex and I are now each in our second relationships and we can all be friendly when we all get together for one child’s milestone or another. And even though we each lead happy lives, the fallout from the divorce will never quite be healed. It was a heck of a price to pay for an inability to resolve our differences. There was a time when I thought I hated my ex. That was my anger talking. Now that time has passed, I see that I never hated him. How can you hate someone with whom you shared so many years, who is the father of your children.

So my advice to you is not to do anything rash. And do not allow your anger to convince you of something that may not be true. You and your wife need to seek counseling to see if anything can be salvaged. You’ve both run into a huge brick wall and you both need to step back a bit and see how high the wall is. If anything, it will give you time to have the dust settle and in a year from now, you’ll both be able to make clearer decisions about the direction you both want to go in. You need to understand why your sexual addictions have caused her so much fury, and she needs to understand more about the nature of your sexual addictions and that it doesn’t mean that you don’t love her. You cannot do it alone and you both need to see a good couples therapist for that.

Good luck!

[Stephanie47]

Totally agree! Therapy is private. Don’t let her do this. It is not only a betrayal of you, but the therapist, too.

I have to agree this was a mistake. If a couple is in joint/marital counseling it is customary for the therapist to meet with each spouse separately before a joint session. One of the comments I frequently read on this forum is there is nothing wrong with cross dressing. That may be clinically correct, but there are two involved. Married life is full of compromises but sometimes there is a line in the sand that one spouse will not cross.

All I can offer is do not throw toxic comments and accusation around that you cannot walk back from. One week is not sufficient time for both of you to digest what just happened. Your wife needs to become educated to what cross dressing is and is not. One thing for sure is your wife may never see you in the same light. If you and your wife have grown apart, then divorce may be inevitable.

[Aka_Donna]

Read, read, and then read some more ReineD comments. They are spot on. Bolt and run is a common response. I have a good marriage, but the pain and emotions of the divorce are always there, after many decades.

Have you looked at what the porn is trying to compensate for? Probably need an individual therapist to lead here, but something went astray. It's like hitting the candy jar because meals were not satisfying. Fix the meal situation and the candy jar's appeal will quickly fade and your life will improve immensely.

[ReineD]

Have you looked at what the porn is trying to compensate for? Probably need an individual therapist to lead here, but something went astray. It's like hitting the candy jar because meals were not satisfying. Fix the meal situation and the candy jar's appeal will quickly fade and your life will improve immensely.

I emphasized that one sentence in bold to ask, are you suggesting that if JustLaura had a satisfying sex life with his wife he wouldn't be addicted to porn?

It's the reverse. If JustLaura doesn't have a satisfying sex life with his wife, it's because of the porn. A requirement for a healthy and active sex life is excellent communication, which is difficult to achieve is one is hiding an addiction to porn and the CDing.

JustLaura, I don't know if you are but I hope you're not blaming your wife and think that you're addicted to porn and you crossdress because of her? I'm guessing that porn and the CDing was arousing for you way before you met your wife, and since she didn't know about the issue there was little she could do help remedy the situation. If anything, she might have sensed that something was missing for you and she didn't know why (likely blaming herself?), which might have contributed to things cooling down in the bedroom (if this is what happened). As difficult as it will be, these are all things that you and she will need to sort through with a therapist if there is any hope to get past this.

You don't need to get into the nitty-gritty of your sex life with your wife here (it's for a therapist), but I wanted to mention the above just in case you do blame your wife.

I also hope that the difficulty of dealing with this head on with your wife and a therapist won't be so scary as to make you not want to deal with it at all and just cut and run.

[Aka_Donna]

Actually I was thinking of a bigger picture. Sex is just a part of life. It's like any addiction. The habit exists because of the thing missing life and the addiction event creates a high that covers the hole in life. If you can ID the hole, and resolve the emptiness, then the addiction craving should/would decrease. I totally agree that even mind blowing sex would not stop the addiction. A shared life is about communication, caring for someone else in spite, or because of foibles, and having a more fullfilling and exciting life as a team than you could as an individual. This is not the place to ID the thing but to say that a happy bubbling life can not exist with just an addiction. Read the forums, the happiest cross dressers are those members and partners who have dealt with this part of life and now live with it as just a part of life and not as the endpoint of a moment of energy. Blaming others is a losing game. Read up on transactional analysis and understand power comes from finding the parts of life that can be improved and doing it. A house may be a horrible fixer-upper, but with a vision and work it can be a wonderful home. Likewise, life with others may need fixing up. Blaming others, or yourself, is a sink hole. Touch your higher power to reclaim some vision and move forward. Have a good cry on how life is not the utopia you fantasized, and then embrace the chance to fix a part of life. We all here may provide hints of some vision of a good life that is still possible. If you search, some gold nuggets can be found and this is not the place to complain that gold mining can be work and discouraging.

Sorry for the rambling, but so many struggle with cross dressing as a part of life. I can't speak for others, but for me these forums help keep CD in perspective and provide a glimmer of a hopeful vision of a better life. Hopefully JustLaura has found something good in all our comments.

[Aunt Kelly]

Treatment for your addiction and understanding your gender identity are two very different things, and should be approached as such. Unlikely that one therapist will be proficient at both, but you may get lucky and find one who is. Regardless, get whatever help you need to come to grips with who you are. You will not be truly happy until you do.

[Natalie5004]

It sounds like the marriage is over. Hitting is really the thing that is totally wrong. That is abuse.

From your wife's perspective, a person expects a mate to stay true but one also needs to be true to one's self. You should have told her years ago and let the chips fall then. This way both of you would have had time to build new lives before it is too late to recover emotionally and financially.

You seem to be at the stage of "Do what you need to do".

[ShelbyDawn]

Laura,

I am so sad to hear you are going through this. I was there ten years ago. The funny thing for me was I hadn't dressed for over ten years until my marriage went bad.

I won't write a missive, but I will suggest you take the porn and your crossdressing out of the equation and look back on your marriage with those eyes.

In my case, my ex had a long history of psychological, emotional, and physical abuse, and that's why we got divorced.
Just a few months ago, my ex actually came to me with a heartfelt question about why people are transgender, a friends son is facing this, which ws a huge step for her coming from where she was ten years ago.

Back to you, If you can look at your marriage honestly and not see a path forward without your dressing and the porn in the picture, then you know your answer.
If, however, you see a chance, I'd suggest that with time and therapy, and education, there may be hope.

Best of luck. Feel free to reach out if you need someone to chat with.

[JustLaura]

To the forum moderators, I want to sincerely apologize to for the language I put in my original post. I had assumed that semi-censoring the profanity with asterisks was sufficient to make it an appropriate post. I will take that learning to heart.

I will respond to some of the comments made on this forum in a separate post, as I first want to ensure the forum moderators know that I didn't mean to knowingly disregard forum rules and etiquette. And I thank you all for sharing your thoughts, your advice, and your experiences.

[Di]

Thank You for the apology.
I was upset when you wrote you knew it was not allowed but then went ahead and let it rip.
I accept your apology.
Since you stated you will make a separate post I will close this one.