How to stop?

[Betty70]

Is there any way to stop crossdressing?
I tried several times, but the urge is too strong and after a month, sometimes even shorter period, I start once again.
All begun from my problems with gynecomastia.

[Karren H]

Nope. No way to stop. If there were then this forum would be a lot less crowded. Lol. Funny thing that I started crossdressing when I was 7 and then over the years worked on obtaining gynecomastia. Now I can’t stop obsessing over my breasts.

Ps: Welcome to the fray!

[kimdl93]

You may not be asking the right group for an answer to that question. Anyone who has stopped cross dressing has likely also stopped frequenting this forum.

In my opinion, and that is all it is, a motivated person can stop cross dressing. As someone who has tried to stop and succeeded for a while, I know how difficult it can be. I totally abstained for up to 18 months in a vain attempt to reconcile with my ex wife. I probably could have continued with abstinence beyond that time, but my motivation ended when it became clear that reconciliation was not in the cards.

Motivation is really the starting point, so be clear with yourself on why you feel you want to quit cross dressing. Then remember that abstinence itself is a day by day endeavor. If you want to change any behavior, you really have to take it a day at a time and celebrate each daily success. And do not feel to badly if you slip up occasionally. Backsliding is just another step in the process.

[nvlady]

It's just like stopping smoking. I've stopped hundreds of times, but when I wake up the next morning *******.

[DianeT]

Statistics have it that the more you try quitting smoking the more chances you have that the next attempt will be the right one (this is why it isn't necessarily the end of the world to start smoking again, as long as you don't quit trying to stop). By that same measure, the more you try stopping the CDing the more chances you have to succeed one day.
Now, is CDing an addiction?

[Aunt Kelly]

Your gender identity is part of who you are. That will not change. Yes, you can modify your behavior, to some extent, but the "urge" will never go away. Save yourself a lot of needless guilt and suffering and find a way to accept yourself for who you are.

[Betty70]

You probably have to consider it an addiction. At some point, my brain received a dose of endorphins in a CD situation and now craves it.
In disguise, I feel happy and fulfilled.
I don't accept it in myself, however.
First of all, CD is a threat to my family life, work life, the areas most important to me.
This is also the fundamental motivation to end CD.
You can see that there come times that it's not strong enough.
Life on a seesaw.

[Debbie Denier]

Dont stop until you get enough. But sometimes you need more than enough .I have been on and off the seesaw and rollercoaster for 50 years.Good luck.

[Debs]

you cant its impossible.

[GraceM]

Why would I want to?:battingeyelashes::battingeyelashes:

[Lisa516]

I have stopped smoking 3 years now 2 packs a day. I have stopped drinking 17 years. Not so sure I would want to tackle cross dressing. It's associated with too many good feelings and would be extremely difficult for me.

[Patience]

If one consciously suppresses it and does it long enough, it becomes an ingrained behavior. I think that is the closest one can get to "stopping".

I managed to hold back for 30 years and, in hindsight, the thought of crossdressing was never far from my mind. Eventually, I realized holding it back was making me miserable and the reasons for suppressing it were, while not totally gone, considerably diminished, so I finally accepted myself as I am and relented.

That was five years ago. I could have acted on it at least a decade earlier. Since I've accepted this part of me, I have acted on it and come out to a few select friends. I'm definitely happier now. I wouldn't recommend suppressing it, but there you are.

I don't think comparing crossdressing to smoking is a good analogy. One's gender identity is in no way comparable to a chemical dependence acquired by one's own free will.

[Geena75]

Mark Twain once said "to giving up cigars is easy. I've done it a hundred times." I might say the same about cross dressing. I've gotten a bit better at it lately which would make it that much harder to stop.

I've said before, it is possible to quit physically doing it. Please pardon the comparison, but it can be a little like alcoholism. Someone may quit drinking, but they remain an alcoholic. You may quit dressing up, but the urge will remain in you.

So, if you are convinced to quit, the first step would be to avoid this forum. This forum is an enabler! Here you are encouraged to dress up and enjoy it.

Next, set small goals of not dressing, and keep stretching them. Do NOT purge, at least not for a while. Just store things away securely, in such a way that it would be an effort to get at them. Once you have succeeded in long periods of not dressing (months), you can discard some things. And reward your successes -- be it going out, a fun activity, anything you enjoy.

The real question is whether you must stop or regulate it. Can dressing up be something you can enjoy occasionally? It is important to get it under control lest it control you.

Best of luck with your efforts.

[TessK]

Gonna echo what most are saying: it's best to learn to accept yourself as you are. You will feel much better in the long run if you're not dedicating willpower to suppressing something that is just part of who you are. You can try some therapy to help you learn to cope and live with this, but I would warn against any therapist that claims they will "cure" you of it.

[jacques]

hi Betty,
why do you want to stop?
luc J

[JulieC]

jacques asks a great question; why do you want to stop?


I think there are plenty of men who try crossdressing. I've read before that more than 50% of adult males have tried it at some point. But, the actual percentage of men who are truly crossdressers is far smaller. For those who are not, it's a passing curiosity. This doesn't sound like a passing curiosity for you. Given that, I think it's highly unlikely you can stop. Further, the negative mental health aspects of trying to suppress it could be damaging in the long run, both to you and those around you.

If we could stop, this forum likely wouldn't exist. I very much enjoy crossdressing, and can't imagine my life without it. But, if I could have a choice about being a crossdresser or not? Yeah, I wouldn't be a crossdresser. It's caused quite a few problems in my life, ones that I wish I had never had to deal with. Beginning age 23, I finally realized it was going to be impossible to stop. That began my journey of self acceptance that continues to this day, decades after that moment.

[docrobbysherry]

I know, because when I first came to CD.com I was so excited all I could think about day and nite, was dressing! Being married with kids I could NOT let them know!:thumbsup:

But, I was consumed! Couldn't sleep or concetrate at work or on anything else!:doh:

So, what did I do? I decided to dress every time I thot about it. In the middle of the nite when the family slept. At work in a store room. In my car, under dressing. In motels when out of town on business. After 3 months of this manic possession I was so exhausted and burned out, I completely st the desire to dress.:thumbsdn:

For a time, I was sure it was gone for good! Of course, that's now how it works. But, 3 months later when the desire returned I made a deal with myself:

I would dress whenever the impulse struck like I had during my manic period. And, just knowing that released me! Since then, over 10 years ago, I've found a few times a month is enuff to satisfy me!:battingeyelashes:

I strongly suggest my, "Excessive dressing", therapy method for anyone who needs to cut back!:devil:

[MarinaTwelve200]

Instead of thinking that there is "Something wrong" with Crossdressing, perhaps you should discover "What crossdressing DOES FOR you". There is a possibility, then that you might substitute something else that will do the SAME THING for you that Cross-dressing does. Just do THAT (whatever it is) instead and you will no longer have to cross-dress.--- I have no idea what the answer is, but THIS change in attitude will redirect your thoughts, and help YOU find an answer, if there is one. Personally, I cross-dress to "detach" from my own self and "de-stress". If I could find something else that did that for me (like serious writing, etc) I could do THAT instead, but Cross-dressing does not bother me, and it works for me for what I need.-- I won't change unless I would HAVE to.

[countrygirl]

No, the urge will always be with you. Strong or weak it is there. Don't fight it, let it guide you. And if you don't dress for awhile that is ok. But you can never totally get rid of it. I know I have tried.

[Crissy 107]

You may not be asking the right group for an answer to that question. Anyone who has stopped cross dressing has likely also stopped frequenting this forum.
Once again Kim has nailed it.
IMO no you cannot ever stop, I tried and was I thought successful but after many years it came back very strong. Once I accepted CDing as a part of who I am I was much happier.

[Betty70]

Thank you for sharing your experiences honestly, now I know that what I am experiencing in others runs similarly.
I also needed such a "confession".
I am already in my fifties. For years I successfully kept my inclination in check and suddenly something snapped.
As I got older, my problems with gynecomastia intensified.
I once tried on my wife's bra to convince myself that it wasn't so bad. The effect was the opposite, it fit.
A few days later, the underwear was joined by a blouse and then a skirt.
When my wife wasn't home for a few days, I took out from the bottom of the closet a wig that had been lying around for twenty years, put on makeup and left the house.
If someone had pointed a finger at me, treated me like a freak, I probably would have been "cured."
Meanwhile, completely no one noticed me, so the exits were repeated.
One day I visited a second-hand store.
There were a lot of ladies in it, picking through the sales. They were trying things on, advising each other.
After a while, one of them included me in her group, handing me some clothes, with the statement that it was nice, but too big on her and just right on me.
I returned home with a pile of blouses, skirts and dresses.
I kept them hidden for a couple of months, when the opportunity arose - I tried them on, until I forced myself with difficulty and threw them away.
The clothes I could throw away, the boobs I grew in my old age - no.
Every day, when I see myself in the mirror, thoughts that I look like a woman are difficult to repel and the desire to repeat the adventure returns with redoubled force.
I want it and I don't want it.

[Kelli_cd]

I enjoyed wearing panties for many years, starting when I was 12. I didn't wear often, but when the desire hit, there was only 1 cure.
A little more than 22 years ago, I was able to start buying my own panties. 6 months later I felt guilty about having my own panties and I purged them all. Within a week or two, I had restocked my stash. The cycle continued: buy, purge, buy, purge, for about 17 years. My collection had grown to 70+ panties.
That's it. I've had it. I'm done. No more. My final purge tossed out so many pretty panties!
I was good for about 6 months. The desire was b burning strong, i HAD to wear panties. Society seemed more accepting of those who are different. My decision now was to stop wearing boxer briefs and to wear panties every day.
Now, 6 years later, I wear happily every day. I discovered the joys of wearing bras shortly after.
The desire to fully dress is strong, but I have many obstacles. My bras and panties help keep that desire in check. I know I can't stop. I don't want to stop any more. I've accepted that I wear what I like to wear.

[GretchenM]

It all depends on why you dress in the first place. For most the motivation rests very deep in our sense of who we are. But if you are among those who do not actually have those deep sensations and it is simply a habit or a fetish then, with work and effort, one can stop in the same way that you can break a habitual behavior. Then it is simply like stopping drinking, smoking, etc. Hard but entirely feasible. Otherwise it can be managed but not eliminated. The motivator is more likely a fundamental part of you rather than a habit or an addiction. That is why if you go to a therapist few will help you quit but most well help you to accept it and adapt it to your environment. Often one session is all they need to determine whether it is habitual or fundamental to your personality characteristics.

If you manage it by repressing it and it is fundamental then it is likely the pressure will build and the desire will affect you more and more deeply, possibly leading to the formation of a depression which is where, after awhile, your brain adapts to that stress, considers it normal, and alters the brain chemistry to keep you in a depressed state. In other words, you need to have an outlet for that internal need to avoid falling into depression. Once in awhile you need to connect completely with that part of your total identity. And the more that part of your identity dominates your sense of self the more you will need to satisfy that aspect of your identity. It looks like a habit but isn't. A gender therapist can help you identify which it is. The habit is uncommon; the need is far more likely. In idealistic theory nobody should desire to express as the opposite sex, but idealistic theory is, well, idealistic and does not recognize the finer points of the reality.

I rarely ever dress fully the way I frequently did in the past. But for me this part of me is a bit different than others. For me it is very internalized and so bits and pieces dressing is usually sufficient because for me it is more a psychological process whereas for many others it is both psychological and physical. Nevertheless, it often builds to the point where I do need to use a complete female-like expression to restabilize. Thus for others the need to dress is much stronger - sometimes 90% of who they are. It is all part of the tremendous variation in people like us. We are all different.

The gynecomastia was likely a trigger for the possible presence of a predisposition to identify, to some extent or other, as female-like and engage in female-like behaviors to satisfy the effects of the now active predisposition. Then there is the question of why the gynecomastia happened in the first place. Hormones? Maybe. But, if it is a triggered predisposition is the case then you are superficially stuck - most predispositions, once activated, are next to impossible to turn off. Few seem to have off switches. You can only adapt to its requests and/or demands. If the longer you do not dress the more intense the desire becomes, even with management techniques, then the more likely it is an activated predisposition and not just a feel good habit or addiction. Testing the behavior by consciously trying to stop and seeing what happens is the way you can identify its basic demands and how they work. It is part of accepting it as a part of you. Takes time and will power, but the truth will be revealed. Either you will lose the desire (if habitual) or it will grow stronger and stronger and affect you more intensely. It is a part of what has been called Gender Expression Deprivation Disorder. Once the deprivation is addressed the "disorder" disappears but the need for expression remains and is a stable and acceptable part of you.

[Stephanie47]

The only way I know is to put yourself in a situation where there is no female clothing around. You may think about wearing women's clothing, but there would be nothing to wear.

[kimdl93]

?.Every day, when I see myself in the mirror, thoughts that I look like a woman are difficult to repel and the desire to repeat the adventure returns with redoubled force.
I want it and I don't want it.

Seems like Mother Nature wants it for you as well. So, maybe the next step is to try and sort out and what you want. You could attempt this yourself or with the help of your partner, a trusted friend or a counselor. Think about in terms of pros and cons/ risks and rewards, values or as simply as how you feel about yourself when you dress as compared to how you feel when you do not. Maybe the answer will reveal itself through that sort of analysis. There is no wrong answer, just choices. And certainly more than one either or choice.

If that sort of armchair analysis does not work, you can go the path of real life experience, whether its setting aside a few hours a day, days per week, or 24/7 for a length of time. This approach has a built in bias, I suppose, because in my experience spending time presenting as a woman just feels so darn good that it is difficult to stop and frustrating to abstain.

[Jillcder]

Hi Betty, Once you start acquiring a womens wardrobe and step out in public there is no turning back the urge to get out again only increases. Like you when I hit my fifties the urge intensified as I worked on my style, makeup and all things girly Im not sure I could stop now but my worst fear is how my wife will react someday when we talk it can be very scary. Good luck if your trying to stop not sure its possible.

[char GG]

As some have said, you are probably asking the wrong group. I'm sure that there are those who have quit, but I doubt very much they view any CDing forum after quitting.

[StephanieLake]

The only thing I can add to this is, DO NOT PURGE. at least not right away, you will end up regretting it if you restart. Put what you have in storage, maybe even give it all to a trusted friend to hold for you so you can't easily access the clothes. That way, if you find you need to dress again, you don't have to re-spend all that money.

[Betty70]

Thank you very much for sharing your experience. I should rather title the thread not "how to quit" but "how to live with it".
Since analogies to addictions were used: just as an alcoholic is for life, so no doubt is the case with cross-dressing.
I am aware of this, because the desire to crossdress has been in me "forever," however it translated into occasionally trying on my wife's things.
A few months ago, what I have already managed to describe happened. I was struck, first of all, by the ease with which I stepped into a feminine role without raising doubts from random people I met.
I realize that the story presented from the store looks more like a cross-dresser's fantasy than fact, but it actually happened.
In just a month, before I threw away the clothes, I probably scored all the possible fantasies that some people on the forum only shyly mention.
Including going to the philharmonic in an evening gown.
Now, after throwing away dresses, blouses, shoes, skirts, bras, I can't deal with myself.
I keep thinking about it, I keep wanting to do it again.
It interferes with my life, it engages my head too much.
In truth, is what you suggest, to stop things and occasionally let myself "be a woman" has a chance to help for the rest of the time to function peacefully?
Or will it involve me more and more?
What are your experiences?

[Debs]

Become a transwoman, youve nothing to stop then, you can dress 100% of the time

[kimdl93]

In my experience there was some advantage in spending as much time as my circumstances permitted from the standpoint of understanding myself a bit better and perhaps taking the edge off?satisfying that nagging need. Once accustomed to being dressed for extended periods (I think 2 weeks during that initial immersion) it was a bit easier to focus on activities rather than how I was dressed. In my case, I definitely became more involved.

There have been some problems, most notably, the loss of a marriage?. And I still have difficulty balancing between the two sides of life that I live.

[sometimes_miss]

I stopped for about ten years; but the desire wasn't really gone. Everything else in my life was going well, and my mind had simply repressed the crossdressing desires. Long story, the link is in my sig below which explains a lot.

AFAIK, the desire never goes away.
I can stop, but then the frustration from not crossdressing manifests itself into other negative problems, such as becoming irritable, short tempered, difficulty with remembering things, etc.. And the longer I don't give in the the urge, the worse it gets. So my choices are to become an angry, forgetful cranky old man, or just crossdress a bit to calm the inner girl. I chose the latter.
I don't know how others feel it; to me, it's like the old devil on one shoulder, angel on the other, and the little devil is constantly poking me in the ribs, saying, 'Come on, you know you want to do it. Just start with the panties and bra; the rest will be easy'. and the poke in the ribs just keeps getting more frequent and harder to ignore until I can't think of anything else. Meanwhile, the angel just sits there calmly, all dressed up and looking pretty.
And so here I sit, in my cheerleader uniform, watching one of the recorded football games.

[Geena75]

I have been riding a wave of pink fog lately. I grasp each opportunity to get pretty and run with it. I know it will have to fade soon as opportunities become weaker. To cope with it I will have to focus more on the many other things I have available. Come spring I will have so many other things to do I will seriously have to more or less pack Geena away for a while. Time will tell.

As far as getting consumed, for me a lot has to do with how well I am doing it. I have finally achieved a full look that satisfies me, so I'm doing things I had wanted to do for so long. I have checked off so many things lately that I'm not sure what I would do. No doubt I will think up something, but, in my circumstances, there is a lot that just isn't feasible. I set restrictions on when I could and when I can't, and let that guide me.

[Cheryl T]

I understand that death stops it...lol.
Not sure though as there have been no confirmed reports.

[Nyla F]

Hi Betty, no it doesn't go away. The worst phase of my crossdressing was when I was in denial and felt bad about myself. I went through a few purges too, what a waste. This went on for a long time until I got some counseling. When I finally accepted who I am it was a tremendous weight off of my shoulders. It is so important to be able to live with yourself and to really understand what this means to you. I still have to cope with my wife not wanting anything to do with it, but she knows.

[Jade P]

I tried for 40 years to stop wearing pantyhose but could not stop. I now accept and love that I am gender fluid and I never want to stop. I am in the closet but it still helps to dress the way I need for my feminine side.

[Betty70]

Thank you for allowing me to compare my experience with yours.
I draw the following conclusions:
1. the chances of getting rid of the desire to dress up are zero.
2. Complete renunciation of the realization of this urge raises big emotional problems.
3. Self-acceptance and recognition that I was created this way is necessary.

I would like to eventually achieve self-acceptance and allow myself, without guilt or shame once in a while, to spend a few days in a woman's disguise.

The essential question in the face of such a scenario is:
Will it calm me down, allow me to live without persecuting fantasies, or will it, on the contrary, turn me on even more?

[docrobbysherry]

No promises, no guarantees, Betty!:thumbsdn:

U plays the game and takes your chances!:devil:

[JulieC]

I would suggest that for purposes of mental health, I wouldn't call dressing up as a "disguise". It isn't a disguise. It's you. Recognition of that is part of the journey of self acceptance.

[kimdl93]

. ?I would like to eventually achieve self-acceptance and allow myself, without guilt or shame once in a while, to spend a few days in a woman's disguise.

The essential question in the face of such a scenario is:
Will it calm me down, allow me to live without persecuting fantasies, or will it, on the contrary, turn me on even more?

Are you discussing your feelings with a therapist? If not, I would strongly advise that you begin with that conversation before any other explorations. Try to identify the root of your feelings. Try to tease out separate what is exciting from what is fulfilling. Discuss the obsessive thoughts. You are likely to discover that there are a variety of needs, desires, beliefs and insecurities interacting.

In particular, avoid reducing all your emotions to a single cause. If you are patient enough with yourself, and open to a range of possibilities

[CynthiaD]

I'm a crossdresser. It took me a long time to accept it. I knew I was a transvestite for a long time, but felt it was just my dirty little secret. When I finally accepted that crossdressing was a fundamental part of who I was, it was one of the happiest times of my life. I now know that crossdressing is a positive, not a negative. I'm proud of my crossdressing. I feel that I'm one of the lucky ones.

Sometimes I dress as a male and sometimes I dress as a female. But which is crossdressing? In female clothing, I feel natural and normal. In male clothing, I feel stiff and uncomfortable. If I ever give up crossdressing, it will be getting rid of my male clothing and living as a woman full time. But that's just me. Whatever your level, remember that crossdressing is a precious gift. Embrace it and be glad.

[Maria 60]

I have quit smoking for 15 years, I loved it so much that or some reason I still reach in my pocket looking for them and think about them. But for some reason I could surpress this urge. When I was younger I tried over and over, and so many purges of some beautiful items. When I got married I thought this is finally it, there would be no opportunity and it will vanish into the sunset. Well that lasted 2 weeks and the first morning my wife went to work earlier then me and I seen her pantyhose on the floor, it was over. Two weeks that's all it took and that was the day I realized I was going to be a prisoner all my life. That same night I decided to tell her everything, from the first time I tried on my sisters clothes to that same morning I tried on her pantyhose. Thank God that was 30 plus years ago and we are still married but as far as stopping I believe it's in our blood.

[Robin777]

Ask yourself why you want to stop. If you have a real deep desire to dress that satisfies something in your inner self , just dress . You aren't hurting anyone and if it makes you happy go ahead and do it. Otherwise you will probably just make yourself miserable by quitting altogether. I know when I don't dress for a while I get miserable. Just don't purge everything before you sort everything out with yourself. You will end up regretting it. I went through the asking myself when I was younger and I realized I was just letting the other part of me out instead of keeping it suppressed. I have to dress or I become miserable when I don't for a while. That's probably what you are going through. I could never quit dressing for good. I wouldn't be able to live with myself.

[Sabine Janus]

Serious question- Why do you want to?

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Betty,
Is there any way to stop crossdressing? Probably not, and most here have said it. And like most I have tried many times and not succeeded. Just remember there is nothing wrong with you! Take care Brenda

[Betty70]

Thank you for the opportunity to talk about my problem, the problem - because I am still a little short of self-acceptance.
If I came across a therapist from whom I would not be afraid to discover and who has the necessary experience - I would take advantage. So far, such a one is lacking.

I would like to stop because:

1. thinking about dressing up involves me too much.
Instead of reading a good book I browse women's fashion sites.

2. for nothing in the world I would not want any of my relatives or friends to see me as a woman and practicing dressing up will lead to this sooner or later.

3. as above, with regard to my wife: I would cause her pain and disappointment with this.

4. I would prove too susceptible to "development" in this direction.
In a few months I went from trying on bras to going out regularly as a woman in public places, with virtually no inhibitions.

5. the above fact is due to the fact that I look rather convincing, for example, I happened to try on dresses in a store without arousing interest or sensation. I therefore lack the natural inhibitions that others often have.

6. the above may lead me to the point where I want to function as a woman 7/24 and this excludes the realization of responsibilities to the people around me. And these I want to fulfill to the grave, which is otherwise closer than further away.

7 I have noticed that many people involved in cross-dressing are very focused solely on themselves, and I don't want to be like that.

Phew... Thank you for your question. Thanks to it, I also finally answered myself.
I probably won't make it to the end, but maybe at least a little.
I'll write when I have some practical experience of my own.

In fact, I already have the first one:
My wife left for two days to visit her daughter, so I immediately put on her things in the morning, some of which fit. I wanted to go for ordinary shopping, as a woman. However, a size-fitting jacket was missing, because it was already cold, and shoes for cold days (summer sandals would fit), because the ones I had - I threw away.
I walked around the house for another hour or two. Then the urge to be a woman passed me by and I returned to my male identity.
Conclusions:
1. the impaired availability of matching things helps.
2) The fact that I had more before, i.e. being a woman in public, made dressing up in front of the mirror no longer attractive.

[Aunt Kelly]

Thank you for the opportunity to talk about my problem, the problem - because I am still a little short of self-acceptance.
If I came across a therapist from whom I would not be afraid to discover and who has the necessary experience - I would take advantage.

You said it all in these first two sentences. From what you describe in the rest of your post, you have some serious gender identity issues that you need to deal with. No, I do not mean to suggest that you should be looking to "cure" yourself. You need to come to grips with who you are and the conflict you're currently imposing upon yourself.

Yes, it's a scary path, and the further down it you proceed, the greater the chance of hurt and rejection from those closest to you. Yes, your dedication to them is noble, but it may not be worth it if they can not find it in themselves to accept you for who you are. Again, get professional help to understand where you are and, hopefully, find a path forward that you can live with. The alternatives are often bleak.

[rhonda]

I think anyone can quit if they really want too , problem is no one really wants too , and those that really want to know that they can never forget and so will always be a ........

[Krisi]

Anyone who tells you that you can't stop crossdressing is an "enabler". It's giving you permission to keep dressing. It's the same thing as making excuses for an alcoholic or drug addict and it's bad advice.

The way to stop crossdressing is to simply stop wearing women's clothes. Who dresses you in the morning, you or someone else? Is someone forcing you to put on panties and a bra? I suspect not.

It's a matter of willpower, nothing more. You have the ability to choose the panties and bra or the tighty whities and a T shirt. It's similar to quitting smoking, alcohol or illegal drugs. Actually, quitting crossdressing is easier because there is no physical dependence like there is for tobacco, alcohol or drugs.

I'm not saying that it is easy, but if you want or need to quit, it is entirely within your own mind. Just do it.

[Raychel]

Short answer for me, "you can do anything you want to"
I have been faced with many challenges in life, Sometimes you have to make things happen if you really want.

If that is truly what you want or need in your life is to stop.
then you will make it happen.

[docrobbysherry]

Betty, the therapist I went to 25 years ago said the same thing many other T's have written here about their therapists:

"Your crossdressing is not an issue. As long as it doesn't harm u or anyone else. If it does, then we can discuss that."

Now, if u still need to hear that from your own therapist? Go for it!:thumbsup:

Since u don't want your wife to know, u can sneak out dressed to satisfy your craving.
Until u get caught. But then, u may need a couples therapist!:doh:

[kimdl93]

Betty, your responses in #46 suggest that you really do need to visit with a therapist. While I agree that most competent therapists will agree that there is nothing intrinsically wrong with cross dressing, they will also agree that the problem lies in obsessive thinking and the emotional consequences and apprehensions of those thoughts. You can learn and practice techniques that will help you address obsessive thinking, manage compulsive and impulsive behaviors. and improve your sense of self-control. These are all part of cognitive behavioral therapy. CBT is collaboration with your therapist. He/she can guide you on the techniques, but you have to practice them, and I do mean practice.

So, lets repeat:

1) There is nothing wrong with cross dressing.
2) Cross dressing itself, does not cause emotional distress or relationship problems
3) If you have obsessive thoughts that adversely affect your ability to engage in and enjoy your life, then you can get help to manage the obsessive thoughts.
4) If you feel compulsive need to do something (any behavior) and then feel guilty about it otherwise, you can learn skills to manage the compulsions and avoid the subsequent feelings of guilt.
5) whether you choose to continue or abstain from cross dressing, you can learn and practice skills that will help you put aside harmful pattern of thinking.

A post script: share that list of reasons for quitting with your therapist. It will help inform the therapist about your thought processes. I was struck by how many times you make unflattering characterizations of yourself and the number of negative projections about the future.

[shellybme]

I have stopped smoking 3 years now 2 packs a day. I have stopped drinking 17 years. Not so sure I would want to tackle cross dressing. It's associated with too many good feelings and would be extremely difficult for me.

Lisa hit this one on the nose! If you associate any habit crossdressing or not to good feelings you are not going to stop.
There are ways to stop by learning how to stop habits.
Any book about habit forming would help and just do the opposite.
I wouldn't suggest purging and throwing it out on the chance later on you decide that you want to continuing dressing. Wishing you the best !

[Leslie Mary S]

Hello Betty. I did not actually knowingly start to cross dress in 2006. I did not know till then that I had it in my mind since I was 9.
Then in 2006 it came out full force. I even thought about the full change. I settled with being both he and she. Since then I have had strong desires for the 24/7 dressing and at other times I have gone for weeks without dressing.
The advice I can offer you is to ride with how you fill. BUT NEVER EVER PURGE! you will come back with the urge to dress again it is embedded in your personality. That shopping trip should be a reminder.
The only time you get rid of shoes/clothes/etc is when they no longer fit. Not when they are out of fashion.
Purging is a very big expense, specially when the desire returns, and it will.

[Jacqueline Vivaldi]

Hi Betty-

Your situation is a serious one and needs to be treated with thoughtful consideration. First, as you have read, purging is a normal situation and most of us have done it. I have totally purged everything several times. Fortunately, I could afford to buy even more attractive outfits the next time. All problems can be solved with sufficient thinking and re-thinking where you come to finite conclusions, perhaps to purge. Then you decide that you really like the looks and feel of being a woman. This is natural, so go through the thought and decision process again. Eventually, you will come to the status where you say to yourself, "I am happy in the skin that I have decided upon". During this process I recommend that you stay positive and just enjoy the evolution. I am much older than you with more experience as a crossdressing female, and I must say that I now appreciate who I am and never question the process that brought me here and the decision to love being female. You may decide on an opposite direction, but be happy with making it a thoughtful and enjoyable process.

[Aunt Kelly]

False equivalence much? The comparison of gender identity with addiction comes up from time to time here, and it is always wrong. Smoking, drugs and alcohol, sex addiction are self destructive habits. Being TG is not. No... The fact that one can often suffer at the hands of others for being TG is not the same thing.
Oh, they may be just as hard to give up, but in general, the life of an addict gets better once those things no longer control their lives. Not so with gender identity. It is not something that can be "cured" through the application of willpower. Stop enabling those who are still selling "conversion therapy".

[JulieC]

Respectfully, I'm going to have to disagree with Krisi's advice above. Krisi, I absolutely mean no disrespect in disagreeing with you. I just have a different viewpoint.

I don't view crossdressing as an addiction, and I think it's dangerous to do so. A person who is an alcoholic isn't born an alcoholic. They might have tendencies from birth that lean towards addiction, but an alcoholic is not who they are. There is plenty of evidence to strongly suggest that crossdressing is something you are born with; it IS who you are. We've seen plenty of people on this forum who have noted mental health issues become more of a problem the more they are forced to not dress en femme. I've noticed this in myself as well. I for one will not give up crossdressing because I know the negative impact the lack of crossdressing has on me.

The best answer to this, regardless of our personal opinions and anecdotal evidence, is that of a qualified therapist.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Betty :hugs:, You can Run. But you can't Hide,

The urge will always be there, >Orchid:**O:daydreaming:O**

[Betty70]

I am grateful for the discussion, I already feel better.
Thank you Krisi, knowing that most depends on me is encouraging.
However, it is not quite the case that no one is forcefully disguising me.
Every morning I wake up dressed, whether I want to or not. As I mentioned, I have gynecomastia. I'm attaching a photo so that it's clear what I'm talking about.
I think this is my main trigger for " being" a woman.
I considered surgery, but there is too much risk of complications.
332556

[Cela_Tracy]

Glad you're feeling better. In my case it is helping myself to take a "deep dive" into my past to present, working within "recovery groups" like ACA and CODA, as to help understand I am why I am and where I am at. Add to that.... I think this is something to not take too seriously and work on self-acceptance. Like others have said it's part of an internal- identity and not an addiction, of which addictions are from external forces. It can feel addicting (and that's why many get it confused with sex addiction) but it's always there and it can only be mitigated a bit (which OCD research might be good for).

[Deborah G]

Betty, I have purged a couple times but now I just put Deborah's things away for another day. I know I will be back as Deborah and enjoying all that side of me; it is who I am. I am 64 and I can't imagine life going forward otherwise. Please don't deny Betty her voice; it is part of who you are and that is perfectly OK!
Love, Deborah

[Larissa Cassandra]

It's similar to quitting smoking, alcohol or illegal drugs. Actually, quitting crossdressing is easier because there is no physical dependence like there is for tobacco, alcohol or drugs.

There is physical dependence caused by the release of the "pleasure hormones" dopamine and endorphins when dressing. Once we get accustomed to the pleasurable feelings we've experienced (especially when sex or intimacy are involved), we tend to crave those feelings again. So while not "addiction" per se, even when we can't figure out why we do it, we always want to go back and do it again. And as long as it's not hurting anyone or getting in the way of an otherwise good relationship, I say why fight it?

[CarlaWestin]

POV. Not sure what your life situation is.
If surgery isn't good, it isn't good.

IMHO, I would love to have extreme gyno and real natural breasts.
Your real baggage is letting it victimise you. It's OK to be happy with yourself.

[sometimes_miss]

There is physical dependence caused by the release of the "pleasure hormones" dopamine and endorphins when dressing.
Unfortunately, for some,it's not a release of 'pleasure hormones' when dressing, as it is a cessation of stress hormones from trying to repress the desire to crossdress. We just feel 'normal' when crossdressed, there's not pleasure involved, just the end of feeling stressed out.

[Judy-Somthing]

Don't worry, when you die, you'll stop!

[Larissa Cassandra]

Unfortunately, for some,it's not a release of 'pleasure hormones' when dressing, as it is a cessation of stress hormones from trying to repress the desire to crossdress. We just feel 'normal' when crossdressed, there's not pleasure involved, just the end of feeling stressed out.

Good point, Lexi. I may experience this too, in addition to the pleasure hormones. So whichever is the case for any individual, i.e. whether crossdressing induces pleasure and/or reduces stress to feel normal, it's a reason to accept their dressing and enjoy it to the greatest extent possible depending on SO/family/work constraints.

[daphne g]

I don?t believe there is an answer to this,everyone is different and have a different story
You could ask yourself what triggers it or what does it trigger and work from there
Or why do I want to stop ,what would happen if I stopped
Personally I think its a part of who I am that I?ve repressed for so long and now I?ve released it after so many years I can?t stop
And don?t really want to,I think my so wants me to but that?s another story

[prene]

I have tried and tried but always want to dress.

I have a therapist and she has helped me.
Put me on a "water pill" and I thought it would lesson my desire to dress but it didn't
Lowered my s-drive but not my xdressing drive

join the club

[DianeT]

Betty, although I humored about the comparison you made between smoking and dressing, I don't mean seriously for a second that dressing is equal to an addiction, so I have to disagree with Krisi, not in the sense that you can't have the will power to stop, but in the sense that if you succeed, you may be miserable for the rest of your life, something that isn't true for addictions (not saying it will be easy either).
Sure we can dress for sexual reasons, and then this could be compared to stopping porn. But even for fetish dressers, I don't believe the transgender element to be completely absent. As for myself, my dressing is a hobby, a disguise, yes. And I do it very rarely. But if I had to completely stop like I quit smoking, I would be profoundly sad. Because it is also a part of my personality that would be repressed. Not so with quitting smoking.
Anyway you don't ring as a fetish dresser, so I don't see how you could "quit". This seems to be who you are. You may be able to repress it and reach a compromise (I say maybe), but I don't think for a second that you can quit being who you are. It doesn't make sense.
Like others said, a therapist may help, if s/he makes you ask yourself the right questions.

[CarlaWestin]

Betty, I rarely see new member posts get so much attention.
I guess you can tell we are really concerned about your well being.
Do one more post to open up the PM messaging. I know a couple of folks here that started CD due to gynocomastia.

[Betty70]

I have received a broad willingness to help and advice here. I am very grateful and sincerely appreciate it.
I will also try to share my insights, because, as you can see, I am not the only one experiencing ambivalent feelings about dressing up.
As of today: I think I have finally succeeded in recognizing that I am a cross-dresser.
I no longer feel guilty about something or inferior in some respect to the average man.
At the same time, however, I envy those average ones, if only I could make the choice, I would like not to feel such a desire.
I am not particularly attracted to particularly expressive feminine things, such as sexy lingerie.
My greatest emotional pleasure comes from dressing up in ordinary feminine things, so probably the fetish element is not at the forefront in my case.
Today, after several months, I capitulated again and spent almost the whole day in public as a woman.
I was fine with it and now I feel, for the first time in a long time, inner peace.
I wonder for how long.

As an aside: it makes me wonder how people see me.
Do they perceive a man in women's clothing, but are tolerant or do they not realize who I am.

[Cheryl T]

In the many years before I accepted myself I tried to stop more times than I care to admit.
The dreaded PURGE, the pledge to Never again, always followed by the ... it's just a pair of panties, it's just a pair of stockings, it's just a skirt. Only to be repeated.

Then I accepted myself and the fact that this is part of me. It's not hurting anyone. It's not perverted. It's just who I am.
Now those thoughts no longer haunt me and I can't imagine wanting to stop.

[Kitty Sue]

Your experience may differ from mine, but I can't stop. It always comes back. In saying that I have not fully dressed in 9 years. However, I am under no illusions and know that I will again one day.
I don't know that we as a group can really stop, I do think we can go through varying periods of abstinence. However, the desire to dress will always return. At least it has in my life.

[Betty70]

Nine years - it took a strong will. Why did You decide to avoid full dressing?
I am also convinced that the desire to "be" a woman I will never get rid of.
The question is: does following this desire give happiness?
It seems that cross-dressing for some of us gives a lasting sense of fulfillment and happiness.
To others, however - only for a while, to hurt in the long run.
This must surely be the case, otherwise there would be no throwing away of clothes, abstinence, then returns etc.
Since I belong to the latter, I try to tame the urge within me.
Every good idea to help this task will be appreciated.😃

[Jessica Secret]

No chance of stopping in my case, the urges are too strong and I love wearing romantic lingerie in the bedroom so much. Could never stop doing it.

[NancySue]

My two cents. Yes, over the years, I?ve tried to stop many times, but failed each time. The pink fog can be ruthless. I didn?t need the frustration. Fortunately, I married a supportive, helpful gg. I?ve never looked back. I?m retired and dress, to some degree, every day..panties, bra and stockings for sure. It starts each day with a smile.

[Leslie Mary S]

Living, more or less as a hermit, with the option to dress en fem anytime I like, I don't because who gets to answer the door in this non-receptive community?

[mbmeen12]

I like the analogy, an acholic must avoid the package store. It makes sense. My opinion is seek treatment from a specialists. From blood work and to gender specialist, your paster.

[Jamie001]

I like the analogy, an acholic must avoid the package store. It makes sense. My opinion is seek treatment from a specialists. From blood work and to gender specialist, your paster.

Crossdressing is not a sin as many organized religions will lead you to believe.

[Natalie5004]

I like this too for me to stop. I am sorry you are fighting an internal war with yourself. I am sure people here suggested counseling to you.

[Debra Russell]

why stop ? if you feel natural and it completes who you are; you appear very femm - and have no need for breast inhancment ! we are all jealouse !! I know famly life can be a problem and most cd'ers have to navagate through it - having an accepting wife helps...................Debra

[Kitty Sue]

Hi Betty, in answer to your question.
I did not plan on stopping for 9 years. The picture in my avatar was from New York in 2009. Actually, I think it maybe more than 9 years. The last time I completely dressed I think was in either 2012 or 2013.
I moved away to a new city to be closer to a cross dressing support group. The thing was when I arrived I went to those meetings less than before I moved and I dressed less.

When I started dating my wife I told her about my sexuality but, not being a CDer. Although, when we first started dating I would wear her panties every now and then and she was fine with it. I finally told my wife a couple of years ago that I am a crossdresser. She was supportive and said I could dress. She offered to do my makeup. I said no thanks. I have chosen not to cross dress as we have an 8 y.o daughter who would not understand.
I think I have worn leggings maybe half a dozen times since I met my wife, but nothing more. That was mainly when she and my daughter were overseas visiting family for a month.

In the past before I accepted that cross dressing was a part of me the urge to dress was much stronger than it is now. I have found the need to dress lessened when I accepted who I am. I also realize cross dressing is an important part of me, but it does not define me as a person.

I do believe that eventually I will dress, fully, again the way I used to. Likely when my daughter leaves home. I really think that is why I don't dress currently . I am voluntarily back in the CD closet I guess. The idea of dressing and parents of my daughters friends finding out would not go down well with the neighborhood.

What I am trying to say is that I believe we can temporarily suspend dressing if given a good enough incentive. However, in my case this is not permanent and I don't want it to be. Cross Dressing is a part of me. When I dress I believe I am more sensitive and open minded. I am more inclined to help around the house and I find it fun and exhilarating. When I dress I feel more relaxed and at ease. In fact knowing I can dress almost anytime I choose, I often feel the need to dress less. Even now I choose not to dress, I know I could with my wife's blessing. Just knowing that gives me comfort while at the same time reducing the need to put on makeup and heels.

I am also currently working out, trying to develop a more feminine physique. I am cleaning more. Both of this activities make me feel what I consider be feminine as I believe, for me, cross dressing is about more than just the clothes.

In the early 2000s years ago when I tried to stop dressing, and this seems crazy now, I went to sex addiction meetings thinking they would help me stop dressing. I met some great people who listened. Eventually a couple of old timers pulled me aside and said you know KS we think you are a great person and you are always welcome here. However, do you really think cross dressing is sex addiction? It made me think. I went to more meetings and eventually came to the conclusion that cross dressing was absolutely fine. It took me years to reach that stage. I had a lot of support from people I could trust both in the real world and online. Including this site.

[Betty70]

Thank you so much for your candid and detailed description of your experience.
It will certainly help me in putting together my own thoughts.

I know rather certainly that the urge to dress up will not get rid of me.
I am now trying to outwit the woman inside me.
I force myself to dress up whenever there is an opportunity, even when I totally don't feel like it.
The first results are: it's starting to make me more tired than attracted to it.
I'm sitting right now in a dress and makeup, so much so I'd like to go back to the male option, but decided: only before bed.

[Michelle1955]

Does it go away: NO, been 62 years for me.
Started for me around 4-5 years old.
I do not like labels, but do believe in the term Transgender which covers a wide spectrum.

[Genifer Teal]

When you rub the lantern and the genie pops out, you might want to make this one of your wishes. That's all I can think of.

[Leslie Mary S]

Genifer. Ya happen ta gots a spare lantern. I could use a few things too. Grin.
I done rubbed all of mine and all I got was dirt. Guess I don't have the right one.
I even bought one when I was in Istanbul, Turkey at the Grand bazaar and it don't do nothing except to make my fingers greenish black and stinky. I even used up all of my elbow grease.
The elves around here got to complaing about all the large finger prints.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Don't worry, when you die, you'll stop!




I understand that death stops it...lol.
Not sure though as there have been no confirmed reports.


As has been said before, we all "age out of it" eventually.

But, I think that depends on your particular view of the hereafter.

As for me, I believe, "No Hell below us; above us only sky" [John Lennon], so I believe that I will age out of it.

But, for the record, I do know some who have been cured, but maybe not in a way that would be acceptable to you. They underwent Sexual Reassignment Surgery (SRS) or Gender Reassignment Surgery (GRS), same things, different names. Now that they are anatomically and hormonally a girl, it is perfectly permissible to wear girls' clothes.

As they say, what is the difference between a crossdresser and a transexual? The answer: Two years.

Well, that's just meant as a joke. In my case, the answer is 60 years and counting ...

I also know a large number who have left the forum. I believe that many of them "quit".

For me, I say, "Enjoy it while it lasts." It's much preferable than the alternative [of being dead].


Are you discussing your feelings with a therapist? If not, I would strongly advise that you begin with that conversation before any other explorations. Try to identify the root of your feelings. Try to tease out separate what is exciting from what is fulfilling. Discuss the obsessive thoughts. You are likely to discover that there are a variety of needs, desires, beliefs and insecurities interacting.


I went to a therapist, several, if fact, for several years. It turns out that there's nothing wrong with being a crossdresser unless it causes other problems in your life. If it does cause other problems, deal with them [the other problems it causes].

One last thing. You know how a lot of people assert that women are smarter than men. Well, the "woman" inside of you is also smarter than the male version of you. Don't even think of trying to out-smart her!

[April Rose]

Thank you so much for your candid and detailed description of your experience.
It will certainly help me in putting together my own thoughts.

I know rather certainly that the urge to dress up will not get rid of me.
I am now trying to outwit the woman inside me.
I force myself to dress up whenever there is an opportunity, even when I totally don't feel like it.
The first results are: it's starting to make me more tired than attracted to it.
I'm sitting right now in a dress and makeup, so much so I'd like to go back to the male option, but decided: only before bed.

Betty, I tried a similar approach some years back. I decided to dress for at least 15 minutes every day whether I felt like it or not. I kept at it until I got a recognizable result. Did it stop my cross dressing? No. But what it did do was something very good from my perspective.

It changed my experience of crossdressing from a compulsion, something out of my control, to a habit, something very much in my control. This took away a lot of guilt and anxiety. A definite net improvement in my life.

Feel free to PM me if you want to go into this in more depth.

[kimdl93]

I do not want to give the impression that therapy is a solution in itself. I would agree that therapy is not really for those who do not feel troubled or experience problems as a result their cross dressing. If a person who cross dresses feels guilty or shameful, therapy may be able to help them deal with those feelings. If a person suffers from some compulsive behaviors and again the compulsions cause them to have problems (interpersonal, economic, whatever) then therapy may be able to help. If a person (really) wants to quit a behavior, then therapy may equip one with techniques that will help with quitting, whatever the behavior may be. There is no guarantee.

[caroliina]

hard to impossible

[isabelle_tv_uk]

I can't really offer much useful advice as like many others at times I have tried to stop and purged for various reasons but the need to be Isabelle is ever present. Something clicked with me in my early years and its not something that can be undone or really want undone as I am happiest when I am Isabelle. Rather than try to give up I try to be kind to myself, trying not to feel guilty.

[CarlaWestin]

It changed my experience of crossdressing from a compulsion, something out of my control, to a habit, something very much in my control. This took away a lot of guilt and anxiety.

During my working life it was a compulsion or maybe at times a focal point of reward elevated in desire compared to the regular life's insatiable appetite for one's attention.
In retired life, the urgency is gone and the desire can get overridden by just another cup of coffee and celebrating having my time on my terms.
And every time I play there's that "OK, here we go." moment, with a tinge of etched in guilt that just generates a smile.
"Mama always wanted another girl."

Gosh, I look at the Carla archives and there's times when I did a photo-shoot or even a dressed up to get video at a 24/7 store before work. Sometimes it was several days in a row.
Retirement changes everything. I see folks my age working cuz they're bored.
Hmm? Ponderous.