Anyone else stuck in the closet?

[SissyAlly]

I?ve wanted to be a girl since my earliest memories. I wish I was brave enough to tell my family at a young age. Fast forward to now, I?m 28 and a single dad raising my daughter on my own (with the help of my family thank god) and I know that forever I?m going to be stuck as a man (pretty sure I?m trans).

I quit dressing for 5 years but find myself buying more and more clothes that I keep in a safe (it?s getting out of hand). I?m okay with knowing I?m probably trans but also accepting that transitioning is never going to be in my cards. I?m kind of ranting. I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone else feels like they?re stuck. Stuck never truly getting to be who they are

[Geena75]

I'm in a closet (neither spouse, nor family or old friends know anything about my 'peculiar pastime'), but my closet has an escape hatch. Although getting all done up and hanging out there isn't feasible, it does make a good base for getting out as Geena. I have to coordinate things carefully to make it happen, but I can do it.

Still, I do feel a little constrained at times, not being able to dress or even talk about it if/when the mood strikes me. I recognize that a) I have a lot of rewarding things to do at home with the family and b) I have Geena inside me and can let my mind create outings and situations (which I might be able to realize some other time). All I can advise is to stay the course and be mindful of opportunities.

[Diane P]

I guess you could say I'm stuck in the closet, no one else knows that I CD. Of course I just started CDing, dresses, night gowns, etc. after my wife passed in Jul. I had been CDing a little, wearing thongs under my regular clothes, off and on for 20 years. About 2 months after my wife passed I decided to go to the store to get some thongs, since I had thrown out all that I had about 10 months ago. As I was driving to the store the thought slipped into my mind that "I wonder what I'd look like in a dress".

So I bought some bikini panties and a dress and tried them on as soon as I got home. It was amazing how natural and normal I felt in the dress. Of course I've bought more dresses, shorts, tops, night gowns and bikini panties in the last couple months. I CD only at home because I have a beard, which I have had since I retired from the Air Force in 97. So to go out en femme would be immediately reveled to be a man in a dress. I'm comfortable and happy with just CDing at home and love all the women's clothes that I have bought for myself.

[NonbiNancy]

Hi SissyAlly, I can share that I was stuck, hiding my true (non-binary) identity even from myself (even though I started CD when I was 10). I obviously don't know you or your life but I can share that in my situation VERY slowly opening up to those I love was more liberating than I could have hoped for. This forum is filled with kindness and wisdom. I think it can help you find your path (in or out of the closet).

You're not alone here!

-NonbiNancy

[Pumped]

I guess I just wanted to ask if anyone else feels like they?re stuck. Stuck never truly getting to be who they are

I believe there is a whole bunch of us here that think like you do. I often wonder if I knew what i know now when I was younger my life would have taken a totally different direction..

At my age and with my family and where I am in life I am just going to stay in the closet, with one high heel dangling out once in a while.

[CeCe]

SissyAlly, although I do not identify as trans nor have I ever wanted to be a girl, I repressed my desire to crossdress for decades. I only recently embraced my identity as a closet crossdresser. While I would not use the term "stuck," I would say that my journey.may take me to new places. For the first time, I have a girlfriend who knows about my crossdressing. I have revealed my crossdressing to a few more friends in recent years. I am still in the closet, but not stuck because I see that the door is opening slowly..Hopefully, in time, you will have opportunities to live your true self.

[Debs]

why are you all stuck in the closest ?, its called travel, travel 40 miles to your next town or destination, book a hotel room for the night, get dressed and be the person you really want to be, and yes find excuses why your going out of town for the night, and yes when your out there dressed, dont stay in your room, go for a walk, but most of all, use google, plan your night out, check where its a friendly lgbt area, then you can have an amazing night out dressed. just takes a bit of positive thinking.

[CharlotteCD]

It's always so easy ^^^

Except for those of us who have a child, and one car, and don't have the money to just book a hotel room for the night.

Plus trying to explain why you're going away for a night, when the house needs work doing to it, but you've been saying you don't have the money.

Or why you're taking a big bag with your outfits, wig, makeup, brushes etc away with you, when you normally just take a single backpack for your work nights away.

[Kris Burton]

SissyAlly -I don't think you are stuck at all - I don't see any impediments to your coming out. It strikes me that the key to opening that closet is your own self acceptance. If that is very difficult, you might find it helpful to speak with a gender therapist to answer those issues. You're a young person with many wonderful years ahead of you, it would be tragic to remain in a prison of your own making.

[char GG]

Welcome to the forum SissyAlly.

I give you lots of credit for raising a young child on your own, which is extremely difficult but a very important job.

Just remember that eventually, she will grow up and you will have more time for yourself.

Best wishes to you.

[Di]

Welcome,
I think it’s wonderful you are raising your child on your own, I had to do that myself with my three.
You can still be you around your child right? Very nurturing, planning their meals, schooling what most women do. So look at it like that. That is the most important thing in life,
Raise them to be understanding and accepting of others.
You are doing a role that most women do.
You can make friends here , talk through pm, do things you love to do with your child, wear gender neutral clothing, paint your nails just live your life and if you feel stuck talk to a therapist.
The only limit you have is what you limits you put on.

[Debs]

Charlotte, just make excuses all your life, if you want it , youll find a way, I did, and so do many more

[NancyJ]

Yes, many of us are in the closet. Good for you for being a responsible dad and putting your daughter first. Like you, I have always wanted to be female and believe I am trans, but I have lived a male life and raised my kids and stayed in my marriage because I love my wife. She knows and allows some level of dressing.

You have a lot of life yet to live and perhaps some day you will meet an accepting life partner and be able to live more of your dreams. It has helped me to accept that I will never BE a woman. I can only admire and imitate (wear female clothing when I can, always underdress, and emulate femininity). Know that there are many like you! Nancy

[Debs]

sorry might have been a bit harsh, but you cant fight it all your life, it will bite you if you dont sort it out

[Jillcder]

SissyAlly glad to hear your putting your daughters needs ahead of yours Char is correct eventually you will have more time to yourself remember you are very young and have many great years ahead.

[GretchenM]

Welcome! You are in a good place where you can talk about your feelings and your situation and not fear retribution. Not everybody is transition material; in fact a majority are not. So you do what is wise for your situation.

Once again I find Char and Di say it well. ("Who are those gals?") You are mom and dad and that is a tough role to follow effectively. Your daughter is fortunate to have a parent that can effectively be male-like and female-like as needed. A special person, indeed. You need to provide for her the role image of both dad and mom. Of course she still needs to have true female contact as well; it is a very rare transperson who can provide that and also do the male part. But if you feel you need an expressive outlet (some kind of dressing) then the gender neutral clothing is likely the way to go, as Di suggested.

I wanted to be a girl when I was very young, up to about 7 to 9. My mother caught me playing with her clothes and makeup and I admitted to her my desire to be a girl. This was the mid 50's. It did not go well and her gentle (her view) rejection drove me into the closet for almost 60 years where I lived in fear of being found out and suffered many mental and social difficulties in the process - DO NOT GO THERE. You haven't done the big reveal and consider it carefully in the context of your situation before you do it. It is hard, but it appears you do have a good reason to restrain yourself.

As Di so wisely said, you are doing the job of a woman. You don't actually need to dress to do that. You just do it! That is pretty much the way my life is. My wife loves it and tolerates my bits and pieces approach to expression. But for me, doing the role is far more important than looking the role. Dressing does not define my identity; my identity is there no matter how I dress or even if I am "buck necked." Just a suggestion of something you might want to consider. Being dad and mom is, in my book, something a woman would do.

[CharlotteCD]

Charlotte, just make excuses all your life, if you want it , youll find a way, I did, and so do many more

Feel free to explain how those "excuses" are solved, and I'll do it. As explained, I have to prioritise the leaking bathroom that I currently don't have money to fix, and I don't have any friends I can stay with unless I outright lie to my wife about staying at another woman's house, so that only leaves a hotel. I can't afford that because the house comes first. I also can't get there by car or I will be leaving my wife without a car, which has an app that tells her exactly where it is. Again, you may be comfortable with the amount of lying I would have to do to "find a way", but I am not comfortable with taking actions that would result in starting the divorce process.

[Shiny]

Well Ally, you are only 28, I hit 65 this fall and let me assure you, you're a freak! Just like the rest of us! Doesn't change, doesn't get better and it never goes away. You are stuck with your "condition" like being a left-hander or blue eyed. Period. Diabetics need shots once a day or so to maintain, CD's have their needs too, to dress and the sensation hits them on their own level and you satisfy this urge to deal with it then you move on. Instead of worrying about this "condition" I, years ago, turned it into a "hobby." It's different, it's weird and nobody but us here and our "type" will ever understand. That's just the arena you now find yourself in. You deal with it and move on. Just plan on spending way too much money on this hobby, buying larger and larger storage containers and keeping your secret like the location of pirate gold. You just do the best you can and move on. Not really a simple or satisfying answer but as I have said for over 20 years here, it is what it is.

[NonbiNancy]

Hi again SissyAlly, I left out an important part. My ex-wife went to school at night when our three kids were pre-teens. I was Ms. Mom for over four years, and those years were wonderful. I loved making meals, driving the girl's volleyball and soccer teams in our minivan, chatting with the other moms during the games. To me it was a daily expression of my gender neutrality. As many have shared, there are many ways to be in the closet and still express our true natures. And when everyone is asleep SissyAlly gets to have her own time.

[SissyAlly]

Thank you so much everyone for the kind words. I am stuck by my own choice because I feel my daughter need dad to be dad, and I?m a father first and foremost. Maybe I?ll come out when she?s grown

[Crissy 107]

Ally, Good point in post #20, you will know when the time is right

[NancyJ]

You can be a loving and competent dad and wear panties. I did! Nancy

[SissyAlly]

I do wear them under my clothes lol panties are so much better than boy undies

[Babycakes1203]

Hang in there Ally

[Kitty Sue]

Hi SissyAlly glad you are here. One thing I will repeat is the old cliche "never say never." We really don't know what the future holds for us. When I was 39 I gave almost everything I had away. I was single, never married, no kids. I thought I will just travel the world. My big travels got me an hour away from my home, and a little over a year later married with a child. :)

No matter what happens with your life you are not alone and you will find a lot of great support here regards CDing and Trans subjects. I agree that being a dad is important. I too have a young daughter and keep my CDing closeted as I don't think she would understand. My wife however, is very supportive.

Anyway all the best and once again glad you are here.

[Jessica Secret]

You should be proud of yourself Ally for understanding what's important in your life and having your priorities in order, which your daughter is at the top of that list for you. In my case I'm in the closet more so because pretty much my entire wardrobe is romantic lingerie (can't wear that out lol!) and it I've never felt a thrill or desire from thinking about being out. My boyfriend knows about my dressing, I dress in front of him and that's all the thrill I need.

[Lacey New]

Been stuck in a closet since I was 14 and first tried on a pair of panties. That was five decades ago. You just learn to live with it.

[NaughtyMichelle]

I'm 99% closeted, but fortunately have a good friend who knows and encourages me. We've done a number of trips together and I always get dressed for at least one evening. I used to go out every weekend, but that's not possible any more.

I have zero need or want to share Michelle with my family.

[ErikaH]

I am there as well. Only the people on the forums know about Erika. Heck, I am still getting to know her, but I am enjoying learning about her!

[Sabine Janus]

Charlotte

Those constraints are real.

Look forward to the opportunities that come up, try to make them happen if you can(Why YES dear i support you going to see you mom) and until then dream

SJ

[Vale]

I have been in your situation. I single parented 3 children from diapers to adulthood. The kids are now in their mid 30s and out on their own. I would second much of what Di said. Clothes were not a good way to express my femininity during those years. I found the children needed me to develop my skills in nurturing and the other traditionally female parenting skills. That turned out to be the silver lining in that situation. Being the nurturing parent satisfied my feminine side and I became an all around better person. Other than cotton nightshirts and Halloween outings I did not need a lot of feminine clothing. Well, I also always played female characters in the kids video games. Message me if you would like to talk further. . . . Vale

[Stephanie47]

Thank you so much everyone for the kind words. I am stuck by my own choice because I feel my daughter need dad to be dad, and I?m a father first and foremost. Maybe I?ll come out when she?s grown

Many times during a lifetime the priority is not self. For you right now it is being that "dad" to provide love and stability. Your day may come, maybe not. I'm 75 which is a good age to look back at life at its accomplishments and shortcomings. My counselor for PTSD issues told me after twelve years of meetings every two weeks that I think of everyone first and myself last. I don't regret my life, but I do wonder what would have happened if I made a different choice here and there.

[jacques]

hello Ally,
the important thing is - what does or would your daughter think about your wish to transition. Or could you both live with you crossdressing in private?
It is not easy to be in your situation.
stay healthy!
luv, J

[Claire M]

Ally, like a lot of folks on here I am also in the closet. My wife knows but isn't supportive so I keep Claire and her things stashed away for when she's not around. I sort of outed myself to her when my son was three. Here final comment in the discussion that day was "don't ever let your son find out. It will destroy him". The closet is a little bit "what you make it". Several have made suggestions of under dressing but there can be other opportunities. Maybe your daughter can sleep over at grandma's occasionally. You can do a princess tea party with her if she's into that. I had a boat moored an hour away from home for several years that ended up needing a lot of maintenance (at least once a month - year round).

As she gets older, your closet may get deeper if you stay on that route. She will probably ask a few questions, like if she sees women's panties in the laundry. Kids ask a lot of questions and are very observant, but they will also surprise you at how open and accepting they can be. Enjoy as many experiences with your daughter as you can as you only get one shot and they grow up so quickly. Only you will know what your closet will look like.

[sometimes_miss]

<snip> Diabetics need shots once a day or so to maintain, CD's have their needs too, to dress and the sensation hits them on their own level and you satisfy this urge to deal with it then you move on. <snip>.
I used a similar analogy with a patient when explaining to him, how he should accept his bipolar condition. It's a medical situation that he can manage like any other with the appropriate treatments, instead of try to just tough it out and try to fight it and wind up going down in flames every so often.
I'm not stuck in the closet. I willingly stay here, where all my pretty things are, out of choice because I don't want to have to deal with all the potential ramifications that may occur if I out myself to the homophobic / transphobic world. I will let you front line warriors do that if you want, just as I let the soldiers and sailors go round the world and fight the good fight. I'll be here to tend to your injuries when you come back hurt, psychologically, physically, or both.
Now pardon me, while I go onto Amazon to get some queen size stockings, because I got a run in my last pair yesterday, and I don't want to wear these cute cheerleader socks with my nice dresses.

[Beano980]

bravo to you for putting your child first!

We all have tradeoffs and negotiations we have to make in our life. If its possible, it may be easier if view your current circumstance as your choice and try to focus on the beauty of why you make the choices you make. Not easy, I get it.

Oh, and underdress as much as possible!

[April Rose]

I came out to my son when he was 22, turned out he had known since he was 14. Kids are inquisitive, and they don't always follow the conventions of privacy.

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Ally, Well you have certainly be given a lot of good heart felt advice here. All I can do is tell you about me being pretty much a closet case too. Congrats for the love of your family, ultimately that's what it's all about. Depending where you live there are places you can go, people you can meet (I met my friends/helpers here on this site, "Places to go/Places to meet" on the main page) if you want to reach out. I was able to meet another member for coffee fully enfemme, I was terrified, but it went well. I am stuck in a similar place as you DADT (don't ask don't tell), but I don't have a daughter (big difference). I will never be who I fully feel I should be but I am happy for the love that I do have, and that is good enough for me. pm me if you wish, I am not here nearly as much as some. Wishing you nothing but the best. Brenda

[dalearden]

Absolutely stuck! Between family, professional life, and a large upper torso idk if will ever come out. I am thankfully for sites such as this one that I can meet others and at least talk about it.

[Angela Marie]

I'm not in the closet. I dress fully and go out. My wife is very understanding. She does not participate which is fine and she would prefer our friends not know. I could never tell my children. They would not understand and it would ruin my relationship with them and my grandchildren. You always have to balance your priorities in life. They are by far, along with my wife, mine. I'm somewhat sad that I can't come out fully but happier that I have a great relationship with those I love.