Interacting with the Public at Large

[FionaAlexis]

Since I have long since put any thoughts of transitioning to female behind me – my goal has been to develop a female side to my life albeit part time.

There are two major hurdles in the development of an active female side to your life. The first is actually going out as a female in the real world in the day time and get comfortable with just moving around in female mode.

The second is interacting with people in female mode. Now I’m not talking about family and friends here – but those people you have to deal with just to do stuff – sales assistants, receptionists, waiters etc. etc. This second hurdle was [and still is] for me far more daunting than the first. Why? Well because by nature I am a quiet person – and I do tend to wind up the anxiety and nerves – and when I am nervous it tends to show in my voice quite markedly. I’ve never been a great public speaker. I can write wonderful speeches but I can’t deliver them with any confidence.

The mindset is quite different from going out and being seen – as I rank myself as 80 – 90% passable visually. However once I interact I feel that the ‘passability’ factor falls significantly. I have reasonable middle pitched voice but only infrequently do I get confused as a female on the telephone. I believe the longer the interaction the further the fall in my ‘passability’ factor however I have no real evidence that this is the case as people have been courteous though I had one less than happy experience in a supermarket but that was many years ago now.

However that’s all by the by really as the fundamental reality is that to cross that person to person interaction threshold you have to be prepared to reveal yourself as a tranny. This may be a huge mental obstacle because we set out to be taken as female. Or do we?

It could be argued that with proper voice techniques and practice that ‘revealing’ may not necessarily be the case – but if you are a part timer the internalization of voice – and manner – is very difficult unless you are an accomplished actor and public performer. I can mimic female voice quite well but translating that private performance to a sustained public performance is difficult.

I’m interested to hear how others have dealt with or are dealing with this issue – or who are considering this as a next step.


Fiona xx

[Paula Jaye]

Fiona

Your situation sounds very similar to my own. At present I am quite comfortable going about my daily business as a female. I am confident that to the majority of folk I appear as a middle-aged woman shopping etc. However, like you I realise my voice is very likely to mark me out as a male. I do try to keep a softer tone when speaking in femme mode but as you say it is difficult to maintain for a long time. As a new arrival here in NZ I still have the advantage of the accent. This seems to occupy people's attention more than the maleness or femaleness of the voice.

Years ago I was too petrified to speak to anyone when out. In fact I was so scared that I rarely stopped moving lest anyone get a close look at me. As confidence grew I stopped dashing about and became more relaxed. Speaking was the last hurdle to clear. It gradually dawned on me that whilst my voice may have given me away it did not appear to change the way people reacted to me. I have seen people do a double take to check me out but once I was talking to people I have never noticed this happen: the conversation continues without a halt.

It seems to me that if I appear female and act and speak in a female(ish) manner then I get treated as a female. By speak I don't just mean the tone and pitch but the vocabularly and manner of delivery. A couple of weeks back I was in a department store here in Wellington and bought some vests and a bra. Finding the right size and styles and took several visits to the changing rooms whilst I accumulated stuff at the cash desk. Throughout I was treated "normally" by all the staff involved. This seems to indicate that the hurdle is most definitely in our own heads. It just takes the courage to get out and do it. Once the first interactions are "survived" then slowly it all becomes a normal part of life. If you give out enough female clues then most people let these over-ride the male clues they may notice.

Hope this all makes sense.

[Ms. Donna]

I've taken a different approach to all this: I don't try to pass.

I suppose if one's goal is to be a women in the stereotypical sense, than the whole passing thing becomes much more important. For me, I don't do the dress or skirt thing - it's just not me. I do make an androgynous to feminine presentation though.

Shoulder length wavy hair, jewlery, purse, women's jeans and t-shirt are my normal weekend look - It's about a 50/50 split how I get read. I don't try to change my voice and I interact with everyone as myself. Whether shopping at Home Depo or Lane Bryant - for panties or drywall mud - I'm just me.

Keep in mind that salespeople and the like are there to sell you a product or service - they're there to take your money. Unless you are being somehow disruptive, they're not going to care a whole lot whether you are a man, woman or alien. These are not the people from whom you should be looking for acceptance.

Many have said this before: confidence is your most important asset. If you present as unsure of yourself, people will pick up on it and that will be your undoing. If you're confident in your presentation, people by and large will treat you with respect. I have never had anyone treat me disrespectfully. I have picked up on their being unsure what to make of me, but they've never treated me poorly.

The only way to overcome some of this anxiety is to go out there and find out for yourself that it is not a big a deal as you think.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Amelie]

Having a gay accent helps me deal with people, they just think that I am a gay person in a dress.

[FionaAlexis]

Fiona

Years ago I was too petrified to speak to anyone when out. In fact I was so scared that I rarely stopped moving lest anyone get a close look at me. As confidence grew I stopped dashing about and became more relaxed. Speaking was the last hurdle to clear. It gradually dawned on me that whilst my voice may have given me away it did not appear to change the way people reacted to me. I have seen people do a double take to check me out but once I was talking to people I have never noticed this happen: the conversation continues without a halt.




Thank you very much for your reponse Paula. Yes, it does seem that we are at the same level of development. I can relate to the 'dashing' around comment and I think I occasionally still do that if I don't go out dressed for longish periods and then re-start. There's a rebuilding of confidence.

Like you I have an accent - an N Irish accent - though it is less pronouced now after 25+ years as an Aussie - but I do find it helpful. Funnily one of the first psychs I went to see was fixated about me losing my accent.

Female speech is probably more about the intonation and delivery than pitch. There are some males with high pitched voices who are never mistaken as females. Alan Ball springs to mind.

I agree that if you do it repeatedly and regularly then it becomes normal - but, as I say, if I have a layoff for even a few weeks that first interaction can be quite daunting.


Fiona xx

[FionaAlexis]

I've taken a different approach to all this: I don't try to pass.

I suppose if one's goal is to be a women in the stereotypical sense, than the whole passing thing becomes much more important. For me, I don't do the dress or skirt thing - it's just not me. I do make an androgynous to feminine presentation though.

Shoulder length wavy hair, jewlery, purse, women's jeans and t-shirt are my normal weekend look - It's about a 50/50 split how I get read. I don't try to change my voice and I interact with everyone as myself. Whether shopping at Home Depo or Lane Bryant - for panties or drywall mud - I'm just me.




Thanks Donna. Yes, that's fine. I do come at it from a different angle - I set out to pass as a female. I may regularly fail but it's always my intention. I never dress in androgynous clothes and I do tend to dress up.

I don't have any concern that I won't be served or refused etc. - I think its simply the revealing of who I am. You are content to be yourself and for others to interact with you as a tranny. I haven't made that mental jump - I want to be a woman albiet part time.

Fiona xx

[FionaAlexis]

Having a gay accent helps me deal with people, they just think that I am a gay person in a dress.

Hi Amelie,

Well I think you seem to be in a similar situation to Donna.

But I do think having gay modulation and manners can be very helpful as you are consistent. And feminine.

Fiona xx

[Jennaie]

Ok, I have to admit that I do believe your a little advanced compared to myself. I am still working on my female voice. The female voice is something that takes several months possibly even a couple of years to develop.

As far as not "Bouncing around" is concerned, I find that I need to consiously "slow down", slow down my walk, slow down my movements, and slow down my heartrate. This tends to relax me and lets me think about what I am doing, instead of "how" I am doing.

Don't know if this may help you or not. Just something that seems to help me.

[FionaAlexis]

Ok, I have to admit that I do believe your a little advanced compared to myself. I am still working on my female voice. The female voice is something that takes several months possibly even a couple of years to develop.



Hi Jennaie,

I don't think I'm particularly advanced - well not in comparison those who are full time. I'm happy doing what I'm doing and developing at my own pace.

You're right it would take some time to develop a female voice. And it is one thing to develop it and another to use it. I still think it is a more difficult task if you are switching back and forth rather than going full time and transitioning. But I guess it depends how good a public performer you are.

I do something similar to slow myself down - I also find that there are definite phases, if I haven't gone out dressed for a while. There's the awkward, uncomfortable, self conscious phase when I'm edgy about who's looking at me and how. This usually dies away after 10 -15 minutes. Then there's the almost euphoric phase when I connect with the fact I'm presenting as a female and I'm now consciously modifying how I walk and move - to fit the female stereotype. It's almost an exhibitionist thing - now I'm wanting looks. Then there's the comfortable phase when it all starts to feel very normal.

Fiona xx

[BeckyCath]

Hi Fiona

Speaking as one who's about 50-50 passable, I think i do pretty well...

I have had speach therapy, and only get it right half the time. My therapist did say that my voice will improve once i've gone full time, and don't have to keep jumping between presentations.

As for interacting, i love it, I find myself chatty and happy all the time! I did find that having my nails done profesionally at a nail bar in the middle of one of the malls near by, and that did my confidence no end of good.

I had my hair highlighted yesterday, and it took 3 hours to finish it, and it was great just chatting and being accepted as a woman.

Yes i worry my voice will let me down, but then i just assume that people have all ready clocked me and are just being nice, but then, most of the time, there is no hint of recognition on assistant's faces!

I'v never acted in my life, and i don't think i act, it's just me, my partner used to tell me off for "exagerated" feminine posture and gestures and the like, but as she's got used to seeing me, she realises that it's natural and has been supressed for so long.
I think it's a case of years of suppresion of my natural personality has meant that when it was finally allowed to come out, it was more noticible!

I would like to be percieved as a woman in society, i know i'm going to get clocked alot, but I don't reveal myself as trans when i'm out and about, i let people make their mind up... Most of the time i have no idea what conclusion they've made, cos they don't say... So i think i pass... when maybe i haven't, it's just the person who' clocked me has chosen not to say anything

I think we do stress massively about passing tho, and i'm trying to become less obsesional about it...

Does this make sense Fiona?

Rebecca

[FionaAlexis]

Yes i worry my voice will let me down, but then i just assume that people have all ready clocked me and are just being nice, but then, most of the time, there is no hint of recognition on assistant's faces!

I'v never acted in my life, and i don't think i act, it's just me, my partner used to tell me off for "exagerated" feminine posture and gestures and the like, but as she's got used to seeing me, she realises that it's natural and has been supressed for so long.
I think it's a case of years of suppresion of my natural personality has meant that when it was finally allowed to come out, it was more noticible!

I would like to be percieved as a woman in society, i know i'm going to get clocked alot, but I don't reveal myself as trans when i'm out and about, i let people make their mind up... Most of the time i have no idea what conclusion they've made, cos they don't say... So i think i pass... when maybe i haven't, it's just the person who' clocked me has chosen not to say anything

I think we do stress massively about passing tho, and i'm trying to become less obsesional about it...

Does this make sense Fiona?

Rebecca

Hi Rebecca,

Yes, it all makes sense and I know you are absolutely right about over stressing. I also know that the chances of passing perfectly in all circumstances are remote particularly if I'm switching back and forth. But I'm sure you don't get read as frequently as you think - and if you have a confident manner then I'm sure the total package works well.

As you say people are generally courteous and keep their thoughts to themselves - and I guess my problem is more about self doubt....and self image?

Fiona xx