For those who can't dress

[Turquoise]

I'm in place in my life where dressing as a women just isn't possible. Only told my wife about this recently. Never told her about dressing up as teenager and the desire didn't really manifest until recently. She has been as supportive as I could have hoped. She's bought me a few things to wear under work clothes. She inadvertently picked this name. Getting fully dressed up isn't something she's ready for. Been married 16 years and intend to respect her feelings. Take things slow. Id love to hear from others how they scratch itch without crossing boundaries. For now I play games where I can chose a female character and dress her up. Fist time I've spoken to anyone other than my wife about this. Thank you to anyone who reads this.

[Monique65]

I’ve been underdressing for years. A few years ago my wife found me wearing her panties and asked my why. I told her I liked how they fit and she offered to buy me some. That’s as far as she is willing to go, but I’m quite pleased to be wearing nice panties 24/7.

[Jillcder]

Turquoise, Sounds like your off to a great start with your wife if she is buying you items to wear under your work clothes. This forum helps scratch the itch for me.

[Geena75]

Boundaries are what they are and can actually be a good thing. You are a step ahead of me -- my spouse doesn't know about Geena. I've spent 10 years never dressing except those occasions when I had the place to myself. Only in the last couple of years have I ventured out, mostly in the last month or so. Enjoying it while I can.

[Turquoise]

I didn't know underdressing had a name. Thank you.


Thank you. Your advice makes me feel better.

[NancyJ]

Turquoise, You will be surprised to find how many of us underdress to manage our gender dysphoria. Although some do not, it seems that most of us wear panties under our male clothes every day. Some of us also wear a bra or a cami or stockings. I have been married for a long time and, although my wife sets limits on my dressing, she of course knows that I wear panties. Sometimes, for fun, we wear matching pairs :-). Welcome to the forum. Nancy

[GretchenM]

Welcome. Turquoise. Your situation is incredibly common. It is good that you came out to her. Admitting to this trait is liberating. But the fact that she is quickly supportive is a bit unusual - most wives are upset but often come to accept it later on even if they do not want to see their husband dressed or participate.

Your strategy is a good one. All too often the liberation of admitting that you dress results in something akin to an obsession or compulsion that takes over and everything in the marriage goes haywire. Imposing our needs on the wife without a thorough discussion first along with coming to an agreement as to boundaries is definitely not a common feminine trait - it is really quite masculine. Thus a contradiction can appear without actually being aware of the contradiction. You can try to slowly, very slowly, add things but they need to be small and you need to be fully aware of her reaction. That can provide an opportunity for discussion.

Be aware that some wives are accepting at first and then they change their mind later. Perhaps a testing of the waters process on her part. The actual reason why she shifts in the opposite direction has many possible explanations, but sometimes it is simply a matter of finding out that she doesn't want to see the female wear because it fractures her image of her husband and it cannot be unseen.

One thing that helps a lot is to include with the dressing some honest female-like behavior even when not wearing the clothes or whatever. I am talking about the big female-like behavior that is not linked to clothing or other outwardly visible things. Not mannerisms but thinking patterns. Such as showing sensitivity, empathy, compassion, gentleness. Learn to speak like a woman - men tend to make statements that are in the tone of fact while women often pose things as questions or a statement that has that character even if not a question. More like an inquiry that encourages discussion that can lead to building a relationship. That is showing respect and it produces far better results. When I switched to honestly doing those kinds of things and showing some genuine female gender traits things really changed with regard to what I could do without causing some kind of conflict. We both came out happier. But the boundaries are still tight and I respect them. It is a much happier and smoother life now.

[Maria 60]

Well it is great that she is showing some form of support. I believe things were a little different for me, when I told my wife about my dressing I told her everything. I told her the first time I put on my sisters clothes up until I put on her pantyhose that same morning. I came out totally clean, I told her that I wear women's things and then masterbate and feel tones of guilt afterwards and that I have no control over it. I believe if I would have told half the story I wasn't being totally open and give her the wrong impression. That's what I read here a lot is that the truth isn't really being told. Telling your wife you enjoy silk panties only will make the road harder trying to explain why your wearing her pantyhose.
The best suggestion is just like everyone one else gives is take things slow and it will get better

[Charlotte Sparkle]

Hi Turquoise, welcome to the forum from me.

Here on this forum you will get lots of good advice from those who are or have been in a similar situation to yourself.

My Wife knows about my crossdressing and is farily supportive but there are a few boundaries in place. The main one being she doesn't want to see me dressed because it would mess with her head. How you scratch the itch will depend on what boundaries your Wife sets. My Wife used to allow me to dress of an evening but that's not possible anymore as our children have grown older and as a result I've not been to dress at home for a couple of years.

Below are some of the things I've done or do to help to scratch the itch.

One of the first things I did when I came out to my Wife was get my ears pierced and since then I have worn silver studs in them daily, that helps. Shaving my body hair and in particular my legs helps immensely and my Wife tolerates this but your Wife may not. Painting my toenails also helps and is something that I can keep out of sight of others. I got my nostril pierced a few years back too and that is one of the things that helps me cope the most for some strange reason.

I'm currently growing my hair out and that is helping me cope with not dressing at the moment and I get comfort from the feeling I get when the wind blows through it or when it bounces as I walk.

Finally, starting my own blog helped and I know a lots of others who have their own blogs too. It's a good way of writing down your thoughts and feelings and the sky is the limit in terms of what you blog about. You can either keep your blog private or share it with others, that's entirely up to you.

[DianeT]

Welcome Turquoise. The way you'll scratch the itch greatly depends on what the itch is. I take pictures when I dress and looking at them once in a while does it for me if I can't dress anytime soon. But if I really need to forget about crossdressing, my best solution is to absorb myself in other personal projects, music, programming, doing things with my wife, any other thing I love and that will keep me busy.

[bridget thronton]

Welcome to the forum keep talking to your wife and avoid hiding things from her

[alwayshave]

Turquoise, Welcome to the forum. You'll get a lot of positive advice here.

[Di]

All the members giving such great advice.
My input do not hide anything be upfront.
If she starts thinking she cannot trust you that is hard to overcome.
Unless you have made the agreement she does not want to know .
Remember this you have known all these years and she just is finding: learning about it - I am glad you understand to go slow .
Besides the underdressing maybe she would not mind you polishing your toes . There are ways just talk and go on this journey together.
I hope being in here will help you by taking to like minded people.

[Monique65]

Participating in this forum has helped me tremendously.

[Crissy 107]

Like NancyJ and others have said we scratch the itch with underdressing. I have worn panties 24/7 since January’14. My wife knows and although we have a DADT marriage she is ok with this. Yes I do a few other things but panties is the constant.
I also agree that being a member here really helps. When I first started there was no internet so I naturally thought I was all alone. Who knew there were so many wonderful sisters out there.
Enjoy your time here, we have a fun group.

[phili]

My wife is not supportive. I told her enough, and said I was not going to hide or pretend anymore, but I understood that she, and most people, don't like crossdressing for any number of reasons. That said, it was a permanent character for me from age 4 and it was harmless, and ...basically we don't need to say since it is obvious that there are a lot of people who have gender issues, so it is just a thing that is. I did mention and she was surprised to find out a decent number of females have the same exact mirror image desire to dress, wear prosthetic penises, etc - so it s a human thing, rooted in psychology or prenatal biology, maybe 1% ish of folks, uncomfortable for people trained to believe in the binary mythology, confusing to the primate evoultionary instincts, but not harmful.

I first focused on having my stash of clothes that I really like and wear them as much as possible. I relish the feelings and let them change me for the better, to feel more whole and not imprisoned.

I tried to avoid her seeing me but it was too restrictive, and our compromise is at home only and not involving any of our friends. I do go out to places no one knows me, like art musems, and such, and in the rare eventuality that someone she knows runs into me, I will say it is a lark. Out of sight out of mind works pretty well for her, and of course each of us has to deal with whatever our relationship allows.

I found that if I enjoy a good long time in a dress then I don't mind going back to boyland - for variety and for her comfort. I don't get to do that much so I just chalk the stress up to the cost of marriage.

I found also that I am somewhat trans and the driver for me is really connected to feeling that I am one of the women and not one of the men, and
it made a huge difference to just accept that fact for me. And I did a lot of thinking to see that being a woman is a social status not an anatomical fact, and I happened to be a male woman.

THis means that generally people will perceive me as a man and I accept that. It means I have a lot of inborn masculine traits and I accept that. I am more or less like the many females who are mannish, and overall I think I have a good bargain in that. I now just think of my body as a woman's body and that I am a type of woman,and, like most women, now I feel that what I wear is not what makes me a woman I love clothes and having fun with them and enjoying the expression of femininity that they are, but if I can't, it is obvious to me now that most female women aren't spending much time dressed up either these days.

I think a lot of us would like to dress up more, but... there is a penalty for any woman all too often.

It has helped to see that the social suppression of women is not pleasant, and wearing a dress or lingerie around others only feels good if we are not being treated badly because of it. Most people have not really thought about why the gender rules are there and whether they are sensible or not, and about all the suffering they bring, and they just reactively try to keep them in place, and often with social violence of some kind.

So if we find ourselves in that situation, it is like being a minority, and finding comfort or acceptance is not easy. That said, we are who we are, we are good people, and everyone is just doing their best. So I don't feel I have to wave a red flag at any bulls, I know who I am and I like who I am. I also have to adapt to circumstances. I don't feel any more persecuted than any other minority that is persecuted. That is some comfort!

[Teri Ray]

Hiya Turquoise, and welcome to this great forum. The advice folks here have to offer are based on many years of life experience. Take them all in and decide which best suites your family situation. We all have different family dynamics so no one method works for all. The desire to crossdress is something that many spouses find challenging so take things slow and keep communicating. Best wishes to you and your wife.

Teri

[Krisi]

You say your wife bought you a few things to wear under your work clothes. You didn't say what things. I'm assuming panties, but did she buy you a bra?

If not, ask her to buy you a bra. A stretch bra is best, it will fit with or without breast forms. Once she gets used to you wearing a bra, take it a bit further. Pad the bra a bit.

Just take it slowly at her pace.

[kimdl93]

you are wise to respect your wife's wishes. under dressing may do the trick for you, at least until she expresses openness to more.

[CarlaWestin]

Boundaries are what they are and can actually be a good thing. You are a step ahead of me -- my spouse doesn't know about Geena. I've spent 10 years never dressing except those occasions when I had the place to myself.
Only in the last couple of years have I ventured out, mostly in the last month or so. Enjoying it while I can.


Turquoise, You will be surprised to find how many of us underdress to manage our gender dysphoria.

I guess we disclose because the clandestine side of keeping it covered bothers us and we would like to hear, "Oh, whatever. Actually, this is going to be fun. Why didn't you tell me sooner?"
Yeah, that approach led to totally zip-locked DADT. It's good because it's a non issue. And, I figured out I had no gender dysphoria just a burning desire to play dress up and other adventures.

[Turquoise]

Krisi she's ordered me a bra and stockings

[Stephanie47]

My wife is not accepting of my cross dressing, but she is not a lunatic about it. It is not her cup of tea. We do not have any established boundaries other than those I self impose because I know her, having been married fifty plus years. I have what I consider an immense wardrobe that I assume she knows nothing about. I do wear panties many times. My wife and I have back pain/knee pain issues that compels us to sleep apart. Rocking on the mattress causes pain in the other spouse. I sleep in panty and nylon nightgown/full slips most nights. It's been a long time since I have been able to fully dress. That's life.

[Heather76]

As others have mentioned, be totally up front with your wife. Don't keep anything secret. She may not like what she hears; but, that's where compromise and boundaries come into play. My wife has known about my crossdressing pretty much from the start. However, that start was 36 years into our marriage. She did ask somewhat recently (maybe 3 months ago) if I had a secret life she didn't know about. The answer is, and was, NO. I don't hide anything from her.

[CeCe]

Thanks for opening this thread. My situation is different but is also similar. My girlfriend was supportive when I told her about my crossdressing early in our courtship. She enjoyed buying me panties and seeing me wear her purchase. Nevertheless, I sense discomfort in her whenever I bring up the subject in conversation, and so I respond by shutting down and changing the topic. Just a few nights ago I mentioned to her that I had been shopping online for femme clothing and she immediately became icy cold in the dialogue.
I have to respect her limits, even when I do not fully understand them. I suspect that for her, my underdressing is foreplay, but that is not what it is for me. As a result, I have not yet felt the confidence to fully dress before her. So far, I only fully dress when I am home alone.
You are not alone. Many of us are still learning how to balance the navigation of our desire for crossdressing and the maintenance of a healthy relationship with our significant other. Maybe the best option is to continue to try to grow the discussion gently. Each situation is unique, however, so there is no one-size-fits-all solution.

[suzanne]

It's good to know your wife has some level of understanding for you. Some in this forum have SOs that are so adamantly, viscerally against their man wearing a dress that they will literally destroy everything over it. The good news for you is that it's possible your wife might actually increase her comfort level and be OK seeing you dressed. The key word is patience. Let her get comfortable at her own pace, and thank her profusely when she shows signs of increased acceptance.