Just for me at Christmas

[Sarah Doepner]

Happy Holidays to each and every one of you!

Since my spouse died nearly ten years ago, I've been the one in the family to host gatherings and carry on some of the traditions, particularly that of having stockings at my house for Santa to fill. This will also be my third Christmas as Sarah. One of the problems I've faced each year was how to deal with two stockings, one with my late wife's name and one with my dead name. Neither of them inspired much holiday spirit over the last couple of years, but I felt I just couldn't toss them out.

The answers were obvious, but I was slow to see them and needed just a little help. Step one was buying a new stocking for me and using glue and purple glitter to put "Sarah" on the top. Step two was where I got the help from my daughter. One granddaughter was named after my wife and her brother has recently started using his middle name, which is my dead name. They get the heirloom stockings, I have my own at last and I'm only left with one problem. Since I am the one who helps Santa fill the stockings, I just need someone to surprise me by putting something in my new one.

I'll work on that.

[Jeri Ann]

Sarah, holidays are tough for a lot us and it is a challenge to figure out what traditions to continue and what new ones to start. I finally gave up on my very transphobic sister who was constantly testing the waters with people by telling them I was trans. The last straw was when she told me that if I come to her house I couldn?t be her sister because her family doesn?t know she has a sibling. So, I have no traditions to continue. I have found some comfort in reviving traditions from my childhood.

We were very poor and really special treats were hard candy, chocolate covered cherries and cheap fruitcake. Mom usually made a raisin pie too. This Christmas I plan on having these symbols of Christmas this year in my little house. I have friends coming Christmas Day for dinner. These friends are my chosen family. When you can?t have your given family, your can have your chosen family.

My given family will gather, as they always have, without me because I have been shunned. Even my daughter has blocked my number. In comparison stocking issues are small potatoes from my perspective. You still have family that loves you. Be grateful for that. If it were possible, I would gladly fill your stocking with good stuff.

[GaleWarning]

Christmas is the season when family rifts are most keenly felt, and where the bleeding stark contrast between the message and the reality hits us like a rusty razor blade.
I am surrounded with older folks in an aging community, many of whom will spend next Sunday on their own.
I feel blessed to have an extended family which will gather on that day, to reminisce about the older generations who have left, and carry on the new traditions we have started.
We, too, shall soon be mere memories ...
Grace and peace, my friends!

[Lana Mae]

Happy Holidays, Sarah! Merry Christmas everyone!
I will spend Christmas at home with my daughter! My SIL is going to be with her hubby and his family! My son will be with his wife and kids and the wife's family! So just the 2 of us! We will spend Christmas eve exchanging books, reading, and eating chocolate! It is an Icelandic tradition we adopted! Going to bake cookies for the neighbors! Also cookies and chocolate chip bread for us! If you were here Sarah, I would fill your stocking for you!
The Love and Joy of Christmas be with all of you!
Hugs Lana Mae

[Sarah Doepner]

Thank you for helping me do a needed reset on my perspective. I spent so many years living with and around people who had unrealistic Christmas expectations about how family would behave. The hope was to put old hurt feelings and selfish motivations aside, if not forever, at least for this holiday. It's been a long process of shedding those expectations, in part because the process occasionally includes the loss of people along the way. As I look at my original post it seems I didn't dig quite deep enough or reflect long enough to gain a little clarity.

Christmas has become a less happy, but a more honest holiday as I age. My perspective has changed on many things as I've finally moved on with my transition. The sparkles and rainbows have faded, but they never rested comfortably on my head and shoulders anyway. It's time to mark the progress, not the losses. It's time to finally recognize how I adopted the habit of accepting the idea of long-shots coming in and transformations that matched my desires but remained outside of my control. I would have hoped to mature before I was in my 70's, but that may have started, but with a long way still to go.

I'm wondering how many more changes I'll find as I move along this path. But it's not time to grieve those people and things that have passed but to celebrate progress, minor and major, wherever I can find it. It may be something appearing small but with significant emotional baggage, like those stockings, or something that looks huge but barely moves me any closer to my goals. I doubt I'll become impervious to self-pity anytime soon, but I'll try to focus on the path before me, not the losses behind me. I also need to understand the love I experienced in the past was as unique as those I shared it with. It won't be duplicated, nor will it be replaced should someone new open that part of my life someday.

So, here's my wish; try not to allow old, unrealistic expectations or grief over things out of our control obscure the progress we make, or gifts life sends our way. Happy holidays.

[Lana Mae]

Sarah, I want to give you a big hug!
It's about your statement,...nor will it be replaced should someone new open that part of my life someday! If someone new comes along and opens that part of your life, judge them on their own merit and don't compare them with the past or you may miss out on a lot!
Just felt I needed to tell you that!
Hugs Lana Mae

[kimdl93]

Seems like it has almost all worked out. Perhaps you could drop a hint for next year.

[Sarah Doepner]

Sarah, I want to give you a big hug!
It's about your statement,...nor will it be replaced should someone new open that part of my life someday! If someone new comes along and opens that part of your life, judge them on their own merit and don't compare them with the past or you may miss out on a lot!
Just felt I needed to tell you that!
Hugs Lana Mae

Thanks, The tendency is to close off for fear of being hurt or not honoring loved ones long gone. The need is to keep the heart open.


Seems like it has almost all worked out. Perhaps you could drop a hint for next year.

Already did that. I even included an example of how it can be done. I'll be sure to do a follow up or two around mid-summer and again as the holidays 2023 get going. It's a tiny thing but for a variety of reason it seems to carry an outsized load of emotional baggage. I'm pretty sure I know the source of that imbalance and maybe it will be the focus of a "New Year's Resolution" that I'll ignore as easy as a January gym membership. :)