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View Full Version : Secrecy does NOT work !!!



Deborah2B
12-22-2022, 10:28 AM
I have been a crossdresser almost all my life. I started well before puberty ever hit. I could never figure out why I wanted to do this. I rationalized all kinds of excuses to myself. After I became an adult, I thought if I found the right woman to be my wife, I would be able to stop and throw everything away. Obviously, I did not stop even though I did throw stuff away. I thought that after we had our children, I would not feel the need or desire to crossdress anymore, but I was wrong again.

I was caught by my wife several times wearing various female apparel. I should have come clean the first time, or at least one of them early on. I felt embarrassed that I was doing it, especially behind her back. I tried each time to stop doing it but started doing it again. I hate that I lied to my loving wife so many times. I hate myself for doing that to her. It was very wrong of me to do this.

We had The Talk very recently. She is trying her hardest to understand crossdressing and why I feel the need to do it. She has accepted that it is not going away. She does not want to see me dressed up or pictures of me dressed up. She does not want to be with me while I am dressed. I fully understand that and respect it. If we progress to the point where she does that would be good. If she does not that is still good. I am willing to work within boundaries. I am very grateful to have the level of acceptance that I do. With time and further communication, who knows what can happen in the future. If I had opened up to it sooner, it might have already happened.

Since our talk and subsequent conversations my wife has already bought me a few feminine things. She did this on her own without me knowing or even asking. She gave me an Origami Jewelry pendant charm that is shaped like a Mickey head. She added a pretty and feminine necklace chain for me to be able to wear it when I get dressed up as Deborah. I was totally shocked to receive this wonderful gift. She added three charms to go inside it. Mickey Mouse to represent me, Minnie Mouse to represent her, and Mickey hands creating a heart shape to show our love of each other. I was further surprised by this.

I love that my wonderful loving wife is trying so hard to embrace this part of me. I love her more that I can ever describe and not just because of all of what she has done related to my crossdressing. I just wish I had brought all of this to the surface myself many years ago. For years I thought I cannot explain this to myself so how can I ever explain it to the love of my life. My advice for someone else is that I did it the wrong way. The right way is to reveal this early on. Be completely truthful. Answer any questions the best that you can. If you do not know the answer, then just say so but try to find an answer for both of you.

I have been on this forum for many years. I started out like I am sure many others did with just looking in from the outside. I eventually became a member. I have enjoyed reading the stories of so many others. I think they gave me the inspiration to be honest and up front about this activity of mine with my awesome wife. I should have done it much sooner.

Note: I changed the picture to a clearer picture. My wife saw the picture and thought it could be clearer. She was right and took a picture that was much clearer with her camera.

bridget thronton
12-22-2022, 10:34 AM
Lovely gift from your wife - I agree the earlier you can tell your spouse the better (children can wait until you both agree the time is right)

char GG
12-22-2022, 10:50 AM
Your wife sounds like she is trying very hard to understand. Give her lots of time and keep the communication open. Sounds like your love for each other is a great foundation.

The necklace is beautiful.

Stephanie47
12-22-2022, 11:08 AM
Sounds like your wife is getting her feet wet in the shallow end of the pool. There is no guarantee that she will go into the deep end, and there is always the possibility she will get out of the pool entirely. If you revealed your cross-dressing early on to your wife there is no guarantee as to what would have happen; especially if there were no kids yet. Longevity should allow one partner to get to know the other's qualities. Then, it may become a case of do I dump him or accept this little quirk in him.

I've read on this forum so many cases where upon the reveal a wife has gone all in, and later it all falls apart to varying degrees. Hope it works out for you and your wife.

Cheryl T
12-22-2022, 11:26 AM
Sounds like you have things moving in a good direction.
I agree about secrecy not working. I began at about age 5, went through the buy/purge cycles more times than I care to think about. Married and wanted to tell her, but was scared, ashamed and guilty. Eventually she found out and we went through all the nights of crying and talking. Fast forward 20 years and she is fully accepting and helpful. Life is better than I had ever hoped.

Di
12-22-2022, 01:19 PM
What a lovely gift from your wife!

I am glad you posted this to help others especially the guests that read here.
I think in this case things will work out but I’m glad you are giving her time to figure out things.
You had many years and she just is sorta it out.
To those in the bushes …..as hard as it is for you….do the right thing for your relationship, it does not go away it’s a part of you,
I have great hope for you guys as you seem to take her feelings in consideration…it takes time .
It will be ok.

kimdl93
12-22-2022, 01:31 PM
As someone who actually has dealt with cross dressing the wrong way almost in every opportunity throughout my life, I really admire you for choosing to be open and honest (even if it took too long) and admire your wife for trying to wrap her head around this thing. I wish you both the best of luck.

Fiona_44
12-22-2022, 03:58 PM
That is a very big step you have taken, good for you. Just go slow and keep the lines of communication open and you should be okay.

Rhonda Jean
12-22-2022, 04:20 PM
I hope it works out for you! It bears stating, though, that often disclosure/truth does not work, either. One should not get the idea that all they have to do is manage the courage to reveal and all will be forgiven/accepted/embraced. It is often stated on here, "I came out to my wife/girlfriend/mother/sister/hairdresser/friend and she wants to do my makeup and take me shopping!" Umm Hmmm. Somebody always wins the lottery, too.

BLUE ORCHID
12-22-2022, 05:26 PM
Hi Debroah :hugs:, This is a Great Frum, When you are here , You are Home !!
>>>>>Orchid**0:daydreaming:0**

alwayshave
12-22-2022, 07:24 PM
Deborah, I am so glad the talk had a positive outcome. Enjoy your gifts.

JulieC
12-22-2022, 08:50 PM
I think sometimes its easy for any of us to get in a mind set where we have a support, accepting wife, but it wouldn't it be nice if she also did xyz? I know it happens to me from time to time, and my wife is amazingly accepting. It's kind of the effect of "well, I achieved this thing, that wasn't so hard. What's the next achievement?" leading to always thinking the grass could be a bit greener (not on the other side; the side you're standing on).

Deborah, your wife is incredible. Don't ever...ever...take her acceptance as not being very meaningful. There are many of us who have wives who do not want to hear about it, see about it, think about it, imagine about it, or be about it. There are wives who pulled up stakes and divorced over it, telling all friends and family in the process. Any of us should be thankful with wives that didn't walk out on us on first contact with this reality.

That is a pretty necklace, and all the more so for the love she showed in giving it to you!

CeCe
12-23-2022, 02:23 AM
Congratulations, Deborah I am so happy for you and your wife!
I have spoken out my story to my girlfriend but I have not yet shown it all. I am feeling only partially honest because I have not yet felt comfortable in fully dressing before her -- or anyone else. Maybe I need to be more honest by asking her if she would like to help me gain the confidence to come out of the closet and dress more fully. Your report helped me see that and was very encouraging.

Jessica Secret
12-23-2022, 03:31 AM
That's wonderful Deborah, I wish you and your wife the best going forward and I completely agree that secrecy isn't the way to go. It's one of the reasons that I wanted to be up front with my boyfriend from the beginning so that there were no surprises, and I definitely think it's had a positive affect on our relationship that wouldn't have happened had I hidden it from him. Being open and honest is the only way to go - your SO could very well decide to accept you, and if your SO doesn't accept you then it's a good thing you didn't get into a long-term relationship before finding that out.

Jillcder
12-23-2022, 07:22 AM
It is always encouraging to hear about accepting wives on any level sounds like things are moving in the right direction. Recently I have decided its time to start writing down some notes and prepare for the talk with my wife not sure if I will find the courage but something has to give soon. Very happy for you.

fireandlace
12-23-2022, 08:25 AM
What a wonderful story and amazing gift from your wife. I am so happy for you.