A problem for me

[Geena75]

Recently, as I considered this 'peculiar pastime,' I arrived at a bit of a personal dilemma. Having grown up as a bit of a loner, a quality which I discovered in myself and hope to avoid is being focused on myself. I try to put my family first and work at things that benefit the whole family. Even in my other hobby, I try to find ways to help others.

My problem is that dressing up is all about me. I get so much out of it, but it is for me. Hence the problem -- I worry about the self-indulgence. That is something I have tried to avoid.

My one solace is that, though this forum primarily, I may be of some help to others. It is my hope to provoke thought, amusement and maybe encouragement via my posts. My real wish is to help another dresser on their journey, and maybe avoid some pitfalls.

Still, it does bother me sometimes that I'm being self-centered.

[docrobbysherry]

Guilt and shame were overwhelming me when I found this site 15+ years ago, Geena.:doh:

After a year or so of folks explaining I was hurting no one but myself with my dressing? I dumped those feelings!:)

It's my life and I only have one chance to enjoy it!:battingeyelashes:

U can continue to batter yourself, but to what end?:sad:

[Patience]

I don't know if there is a way around what you are feeling. Let's face it, this funny habit of ours has an aspect that is, making all other allowances, extremely narcissistic.

I guess the question is - does your crossdressing get in the way of or diminish your contribution to your family? If it doesn't, isn't everyone allowed ONE selfish but harmless indulgence? And if you feel compelled to do this (and who in their right mind would do this if they did not have a very strong inclination to do so), is it right to deny it? This is not a frivolous pursuit. It's a need that causes discomfort when unfulfilled.

So many of us would love to stop doing this altogether. If it does not get in the way of you functioning properly, why stop?

[Jennifer03]

I can identify with you Geena. Every time I get some new item of clothing or whatever, I tend to feel selfish considering my family obligations. However, when I came out to my mom and started dressing around her, she told me that she saw the old me. The one that used to be happy and talk with her more. Probably before I was a surly teenager. I feel happier when presenting as female and better as a person. She and the others that know have noticed and so I still feel selfish when I do things for myself, it has had a benefit on those around me. Instead of an overly depressed male they get a female with a better disposition and a much more upbeat attitude. Make yourself happy and the others around you will notice and hopefully it will lead to better things.

Even at work we have the saying that a happy employee means that we will have happy customers.

[ColleenCD]

Hi Geena, our past often shapes our future as we live in the present. I do not know what shaped your self denial but I do suspect you feel out of place when events surround you. Words are kind but unless you take action they are hollow. The relief is found in forgiveness and permission.

Forgive yourself and others for this burden. Give yourself permission to care for yourself. Lastly, know your value. Outside of these the painful cycle continues.

Colleen

[Kris Burton]

There is absolutely nothing wrong with doing something for yourself, especially if no one else is affected. You might argue that you are a better person for the benefits that CDing gives you, hence you are a better husband, family man, father, companion - and isn't that a benefit to those around you?

[JulieC]

Geena, with respect, I think you're making more of this than needs be. I don't mean to trivialize what you're feeling; it's quite important! But, consider a different viewpoint; If you're taking a shower, are you being self centered? Yep. What about choosing what foods you want to eat? Yep. I could cite other examples. The point is there are always going to be things you do for yourself and yourself alone. That doesn't make you selfish or self centered. As others have noted, if your actions start to negatively impact others then yes, there's a problem. If what you are doing is not hurting anyone (including yourself), there's no reason to feel there is a problem.

[Debbie Denier]

Geena. You are feeling the guilt which I have felt over the years. Particularly in my case after being rumbled. Like Jennifer I was out to my mother who supported me . Like Jennifer she could see the positive. However as wife is non supportive I feel the guilt of dressing behind her back. As you have enjoyed recent CD outings without your families knowledge . It has resulted in the way you feel. However wives and family often waste money on extravagance. Providing your spending does not get out of hand. A small self indulgence on your hobby is no different to A family member on theirs . Dressing can be done on a budget such as thrift stores etc.In the ideal world we could indulge with a supportive SO. But we don?t live in an ideal world.Good luck and try not to be so hard on yourself.

[GretchenM]

Geena, you may conceive of this as a hobby and even behave accordingly, but this a result of a fundamental behavior pattern that has very deep roots. As Julie said, I don't recommend trivializing it.

This is about your identity and that is fundamentally about you. It may have consequences and effects on others, but that is the way identity operates. And your behavior of trying to be helpful to others is very much a part of your identity. Empathy, sympathy, compassion and the like are gender traits and characteristics and therefore the results of acting upon those emotions provides benefits to others as well as yourself. I suggest you embrace that aspect of yourself because it is a good one that benefits many. Without that you would be more cold and impersonal and not inclined to help others.

Those traits are strong in you and they are traditionally and stereotypically female behaviors but males can exhibit and act on any of the female traits, if their brain is configured that way. Those traits are not private property and as they make up part of your identity they can be shared to the benefit of others. I do not think that is necessarily a narcissistic behavior unless you do it solely for the benefit of yourself. But the way you describe it that is certainly not the case. You are fine. Be proud of your ability to help others - these days it seems to be a behavior that is getting scarce. So what if it is female-like?! Even more important it is a gift.

[kimdl93]

Its ok to enjoy yourself. Even if it doesn?t yield benefits to others. Self-indulgence becomes a problem when it takes away from others.

[alwayshave]

Geena, I look at it this way. First, this hobby is not hurting anyone. Second, indulging yourself is good for your psyche, which allows you to give more to your family.

[Aunt Kelly]

Is your "pastime" hurting you or anyone else? If not, you have nothing to feel guilty about. We watch TV, listen to music, bathe, eat and brush our teeth for no one but ourselves, and none would consider those to be self centered.

[Stephanie47]

There is nothing wrong with having an activity or hobby (I do not consider emulating a woman a hobby) that provides private time. So, you doll up and do not share with others. Would it be any different if you went to a park and read a book everyday? Or casting a fishing line in the water, knowing you will never catch anything? You're not as old as me (75, here), but I have paid my dues. I figure I earned the right to self indulge. It's not like I have checked out of society. MY PTSD counsel told me I think of others first and myself last. With some reflection it is true. Sacrifices of money is easy. Giving of time needs to be worked into a schedule.

As to this site, I hope my comments generate some thought processes in minds. Years ago there were some militant (I think militant) personalities who encouraged running roughshod over wives when it came to dressing; sort of "Take it, or Leave." I try to encourage others to think as there are consequences for any actions.

[Cheryl T]

It depends on your situation.
I know that I do quite a lot for family and friends so doing something just for me is not such a big deal. I'm fine with having me time or spending a little on myself.
My wife has this phrase she uses telling me that I "do everything" and sometimes she feels she's not helping to carry the load. It's certainly not true. I don't do "everything", I simply do "everything I can".

[Heisthebride]

Everyone is allowed time to themselves. We take vacations to recharge ourselves and get away from work. Sometimes we need a moment to ourselves so we don’t take our frustrations out on someone else. I will take a 30 minute run for my health and just to get away and think to myself. Is that self indulgent or is it self care.

If you dress up to the point of ignoring your family and other responsibilities, then it might be going to far. Until then, you are allowed time to relax and enjoy yourself.

[Maria 60]

My wife in the past has accused me of not buying or doing anything for myself and spending all my thoughts, time and energy on how can I help my family more. But she has said in the past that one thing she has seen is I have shown signs of selfishness towards my dressing and she would except it and encourage it because that was probably the only thing I would do for myself. I wouldn't feel guilty about doing something for yourself when you know how much more you do for others.

[Fiona_44]

You only live once and there is nothing wrong with spending time with a pastime that you enjoy. As long as you are not ignoring everyone else (and you're not) there is nothing wrong with living your life in a fulfilling way.

[CynthiaD]

If you don't like yourself, you can't expect anyone else to like you. I like myself much better as a woman than I do as a man. I'm a better person as a woman. it isn't selfish to do things for yourself if they're the sort of things that make you a more loving and considerate person.

[nancy58]

Geena, spending some time for yourself is not being selfish, per se. In order to be a good father, spouse, etc., it's important to take care of your needs. If you find that you're sacrificing time with the people you love so you can dress up or enjoy some other indulgence, then maybe it's a problem, but we all need a little time for ourselves.

[Deborah G]

Geena, I've tossed the family versus "me" issue around many times. This forum is a great relief, for me, in knowing I am not alone with being a CD, and seeing what others are experiencing and feeling. I can't deny who I am, nor do I want to. As genetic males, we are the protectors of the pack; however, my fem side says don't forget about me! And, I can't ignore that. Deborah

[Ameli]

Hi Geena,

I can surely relate to this. I have a young son who has many complex medical needs and uses a lot of the family’s energy, so spending hours primping seems selfish. However, I have changed my mind on this lately. Crossdressing is a form of self-care and a creative outlet for me. It gives me happiness and energy to be my best self and bring that to the others in my world. Thanks for the post.

[CDMargret]

Geena, don't be to hard on yourself. From what we have talked and visited about you balance this hobby and family perfectly. And you have inspired me in many ways. Sure I too have some guilt even though my wife is fully involved in all my ventures. I think just that you are aware of this keeps you from over indulging. It's healthy to take a little time for just you and try not to feel guilty about it. From where I sit I feel your doing great.

[Diane P]

Geena, I'll echo what eveyone else here has said. Don't be hard on yourself, everyone deserves a little me time in what ever way they desire to take it. Most of us here take that me time in cross dressing and enjoying our femininity. In just the few messages you and I have exchanged you have been a great help to me. So please don't be too hard on yourself.

[Connie D50]

Geena

You have helped me with your comments and following your post. It's ok to do something just for yourself :).

Connie
(P.S. love your story)

[Betty70]

Look at it this way: you do what you can to be a good person.
Many others do too, but they have it easier than you - being a cross-dresser rarely gives you a sense of peace, at least I feel it as a burden.
The woman inside me I have not been able to get rid of, and it's probably still the case with you. I searched for a long time on the Internet but did not find memories of the kind "I was a crossdresser but I got over it".
Since we are trying to learn to live with it, I think it's a good thing rather than a bad thing.
I treat my crossdressing as a kind of compromise between what I would expect of myself and what I am able to achieve.
Try to look at it that way.:)

[JulieC]

That's an excellent point Betty. Members here have noted before that the only people that are on this forum tend very strongly to be people who are crossdressers. If they somehow figured out how to stop crossdressing, they wouldn't come back here. So, if it were possible to stop crossdressing entirely, there should be success stories out there, and it shouldn't be hard to find them. Yet, it is.

It is a burden being a crossdresser. We're forever caught in this dichotomy of a person who doesn't fit in any of the major boxes our society insists we fit in. My journey of self acceptance is trying to learn not to try to reduce the burden by forcing myself into a predefined socially acceptable box, but to learn to embrace that the boxes don't fit me. It's not easy, but it most emphatically isn't selfish.

Being who we are isn't selfish of self centered in any respect. It's who we are.

[JenniferR771]

Nothing wrong with a tiny bit of self-indulgence, Geena. Do your family obligations.

But it is OK to comb your hair and wear something cute. Get some fresh air. And pictures.
If you don't think of your own needs from time to time--who will?
Just do not wear heels with jeans--OK?