How did you tell your spouse you are a CD?

[TheGirlNextDoor]

I just recently got engaged to "I kidd you not" The love of my life, and X-dressing has always been a big part of my life. I've been doing it for soo long now that I feel like I have to make a big decision soon. Do I give up X-dressing for the rest of my days, Do I stay in the closet, or do I tell her the truth. With all the possible outcomes, they don't come without their own battles. Giving up X-dressing would be extreamly hard, maby even impossible. If I stay in the closet then I risk being cought. And if I tell her I know she'll be extreamly pissed. At this point I am starting to feel that I'm beyond X-dressing and becoming TG. I'm just soo confused right now. I know some of you have been through Hell when you came out. I'm just hoping that you ladys could share with me how you broke the ice in your relationships?

[Nigella]

I told my wife about 6 months after we were married. All the signs were there for her to see, but she didn't read them.

She thought I was joking when I asked to try her basque, but she agreed and after I put it on, we got talking about me wearing it. It was the first time we had talked about CDing. During the conversation I just said " I enjoy wearing womens clothes and would like to do it more" Her reaction was one of shock, but not horror. At first she laughed, but then the tears came when she realised I was serious.

Anyway to cut a long story short, we talked, a hell of a lot, but everything turned out OK, she supports me 100%, I am 24/7 with no thoughts of going TS, and we have been married, very happily, for 19 years.

I would advise, BE HONEST, trying to stop CDing, or living a lie will only hurt more later on.

[Ms. Donna]

Hi Girl,

Do I give up X-dressing for the rest of my days?

Don't even try. You'll be able to do it for a while - maybe even a long while - but it will ultimately fight its way back.
Do I stay in the closet?

An option - but not the best. Odds are she'll find out and then you'll have a real problem on your hands. If she doesn't, you'll live a life of lies and secrets.
Do I tell her the truth?

Best option. Should it not go well, better to find out prior to getting married.


At this point I am starting to feel that I'm beyond X-dressing and becoming TG. I'm just soo confused right now.

My personal opinion is that all crossdressers are transgender: it's a matter of to what degree. Given this, you've been issued a life sentence - no chance of parole. It sounds to me though, that this is no surprise to you.

You say your GF will be "extreamly pissed" if you tell her this. Well, think how she'll feel if she finds out several years into the marrage? You need to be upfront with her about this - a point on which I'm sure the GGs here will back me up.

As to how to tell her - a little more colour regarding your relation would help here. Why would she be "extreamly pissed?" we need to know a little more here to be able to offer anything useful.

Please, fill us in a bit more.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Julie Avery]

Tell her. Now.

It is such a mistake to get into a committed (and very possibly child-bearing) relationship, where you from the beginning conceal one of the most essential parts of yourself, a part which is very unlikely to just fade away, no matter how much you might wish it to. It leads to misery, misery, and more misery for you, your spouse, and your potential children who may be hurt by a broken marriage. Sometimes 5 years of misery, sometimes 20, sometimes a lifetime.

You don't have to get very far back into this site's archives to see the pain of which I speak, in many, many different individual cases.

I know the motivation for not telling. It's insecurity. It's the belief that if you tell the truth about yourself you'll never be loved by anyone, and here you are right now, loved by someone who you also love. But the "you" who is being loved is not all of you, and it's incomplete in a probably essential way.

I know because I made the mistake I'm warning against, twenty nine years ago.

If you go ahead with this marriage without disclosing that you crossdress, I venture to say it's likely that when you're my age, you'll have bitter, hard things to say about this person you now love. Is that what you want for her?

[TheGirlNextDoor]

It's not really the fact she will be extreamly pissed it is that she has no understanding of what it's like. Something tells me that in the event that she finds out she will actually prevent herself from even trying to understand and that's what scares me most. You all have given some really good feed back and I appreciate all your honesty. You girls are the best!!!

[Angel73 GG]

Please tell her. She deserves to know. Wouldn't you want to know something that important about her? I know you are afraid of the reaction but give her a chance.

[Janelle Young]

All I can do is to jump on the band wagon. Tell her soon, before you get married. Yes I understand this is not an easy thing to do but it is the right thing to do. For both of you.

As to how or when to tell her who knows. I would say tell her when you are alone and have lots of time to talk, like a Saturday morning if you are planning on spending the day with her. As to what to say, I think when I have to go through this I would start by saying something like 'dear, there is something about me that you need to know'.

Good luck my dear.

[Ms. Donna]

Something tells me that in the event that she finds out she will actually prevent herself from even trying to understand and that's what scares me most.

You need to consider this long and hard. If this is the type of person you feel she is, she may be the 'love of your life', but can it last? Can you live with and continue to love someone who will reject an integral part you yourself?

You can not shut this off - it just doesn't work like that. I've been actively 'dealing' with being TG for the last 30 years of my life - since age 12 - and it ain't going away. I told my GF the third year we were dating - granted, where I am now is different than where I was then, but at least she knew that there was this side to me.

You need to have an honest discussion with her and find out where she really is with this. You owe it not just to her - but to yourself.

Love & Stuff,
Donna

[Honey GG]

As a wife that found out 30 yrs into the marriage, i say tell her now. If she is truly the love of your life then she deserves only the best and the best is the truth, the whole truth mind you.
My hubby told me by writing me a very long letter telling me his 'story' from dressing as a child to trying to stop when we married. He made a point to explain what a CD was, that he was not gay and did not want to become a woman. He also gave me some websites to look at for further information and a GG only group to join in if I was interested in talking to other women.

Of course I was upset at first, but with the information I found and the long talks we had helped so much and we are both at a fine place with it all now and have incorporated it into our marriage.
No sense in taking the chance after marriage that she will freak out and split.
Better to know before and work it all out. You should not have to give up yourself either.
This is the website my husband gave me, it has some great articles,

http://www.rainbowtrail.info/directory.html

Good Luck and congrats on your engagement...

Honey GG

[Andrea Evans]

I have always approached this massive problem by attempting to initially gauge their reaction to crossdressing - I appreciate that you will not always get a truthful response but normally an indication of whether it is a big 'No No' or whether it is something that can be worked upon.

It also depends on the depth of feeling between individuals if crossdressing will be tolerated or rejected.

Origininally I tried to bring into the conversation if they had any female - female tendancies but that was inconclusive and nearly always gave a negative response.

So now I merely suggest that I like the feeling of silky things next to my skin and see how that is accepted.

At the end of the day it is a subjective decision to 'confess all' to a woman you love - with the danger that she will end the relationship and tell all your friends about your 'confession'.

Perhaps a GG can offer some guidance?

[maid phylis]

dear girl next store,i wish i could have told my wife that i was a cd when we were first married but back then i didnt know what i was ,there wasnt a web to check out the names ,so i went through 30 years of marriage before i found out what the thing was and finding other people just like me .so i finally told her and it all worked out well.love phylisanne:bw:

[Julie Avery]

I don't think marrying someone while carefully gauging their response to crossdressing (and remaining silent) is a good plan or good advice. It is good advice while engaged in what we used to quaintly call "dating".

[Patty]

Talk to her and be honest

[jacky83]

I came out to my wife 3 weeks ago after 13 years of marriage. She eventually adjusted (so far) to the revelation. She did say she probably would not have married me if she had known before the marriage. (She had dealt with transexuals as a social service worker which may have colored her perspective)

What ever you do I wish you well.

Jacky

[FROCKYHORROR]

I too, am in a similar predicament,in that i have met a lovely girl, that i think could be "The One", and am trying to grow my body hair back fast before things develope any further, i'm saying to myself "ok time to pack all this in" and give this girl what she expects & deserves ie a "normal" bloke, but i feel i've gone down this cd road too far,i'm enjoying it more than ever since being single for so long and having my own place to be free in.However i don't want to be on my own forever why should i?i deserve love as much as the next person don't i? and so have reached the crossroads, one leading to a lifetime of solitude & everygrowing transgenderism, the other companionship,love,"normalcy" and most likely suppression,frustration and resentment, the other road isn't so clearly signed but it could be the one of "having it all", the girl of your dreams who loves you unconditionally. I'll be keeping an eye on this thread just as much as you (girlnextdoor),so far the conclusions i'm getting are "you have to tell them".I understand completely how you feel, to them its like, you're their ideal man,but alas you're forced to comtemplate shattering that image and thus destroying their hopes and dreams as well as your own.

[Joy Carter]

For both of your peace of mind do it now before it goes to far one voice of expierence here.

[Kaitlyn Michele]

I'm typing this from my apartment.. notmy house...

ihave a beautiful wife and 2 wonderful kids...i truly beleived that xdressing was "something i did", or something "i enjoyed"...i repressed it for years and years and years, but over time my sex drive diminished and i thought more and more about dressing and finally told my wife....

like i said, i'm not living in my house right now...

i hope u have the best intentions...i know others who can "control it" or can "get away with it" ....others have told and their wives said its ok, or its tolerable, others embraced it(hard to believe sometimes given my personal experience...hehe)

so i never judge ...its like julie said, its a life sentence and we just have to deal with it..i wish you all the best and i really really hope you can be happy

[melinda1222]

I went through a period of two years where I was just miserable because I could not be who I really was. Then one night laying in bed I just came out and told her that I was a crossdresser. Fortunately my wife is a very understanding person and had no real problem with me crossdressing. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Now if only the rest of the world could be so accepting of us girls!

[DonnaT]

I suggest you and FrockyHorror both tell your respective girlfriends. It should have been done before becoming engaged, but definitely before marriage.

I told my wife 30 years ago, not long after we were married. It's been a roller coaster ride ever since. How I told her, I don't suggest you do what I did. I told her after letting her shave my legs, and after she let me dress in more of her clothes.

Dressing and then telling is not a particularly good way to tell her. She might not have too much of a problem (if any at all) if she knows but never sees, but sometimes the seeing is too hard to take.

[sharifemme]

TGND....

Some thoughts on telling your fiancee:

If you don't tell her before you are married, you are making a big mistake. If she can't accept you for who you are now, she probably wouldn't be able to accept you in 30 years of hiding in the closet when she finds out.

I had to tell my wife in a letter because we both get kind of explosive in situations like this. I told her that I was transgender and that I wear women's apparel but that I didn't want a "sex Change". I told her I wasn't gay, that I loved her only and that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I also told her that I realized there were a few options now that she knew. She could leave (divorce), tolerate, or participate.

I included a list of internet resources on TG and crossdressing and a hard copy of a few things I thought was appropriate for explanations. DO NOT IMMEDIATELY SHOW HER ANY PICTURES OF MEN CROSSDRESSED, especially YOU! She will need time to be able to deal with that.

ABOVE ALL, be willing to communicate with her if she shows the least amount of interest and be sensitive as to when to shut up because she had enough for the time being.

Good Luck whatever you decide!

Sharifemme






I just recently got engaged to "I kidd you not" The love of my life, and X-dressing has always been a big part of my life. I've been doing it for soo long now that I feel like I have to make a big decision soon. Do I give up X-dressing for the rest of my days, Do I stay in the closet, or do I tell her the truth. With all the possible outcomes, they don't come without their own battles. Giving up X-dressing would be extreamly hard, maby even impossible. If I stay in the closet then I risk being cought. And if I tell her I know she'll be extreamly pissed. At this point I am starting to feel that I'm beyond X-dressing and becoming TG. I'm just soo confused right now. I know some of you have been through Hell when you came out. I'm just hoping that you ladys could share with me how you broke the ice in your relationships?

[Sandra]

Be honest with her and tell her everything, be prepared for anger and tears and make sure you have plenty of time to answer questions she will have, yet again be as honest as you can with her.

Don't leave it to late, I hope it works out ok. :hugs:

[MsEva]

I would suggest that you tell her before hand. I have dressed on and off for nearly 40 years. I guess I always knew I had an issue with it, dressing that is. I didn't dress for many years around the time my DD was born. Then I found out that I wasn't some sort of freak or monster, that many of us do it, via internet. I started back in with a vengence. I guess I sort of wanted to get caught, and did. DW found some G rated pictures of me dressed. It caused the expected tears and questions. I reassured her that I am still me, that I am attracted only to her, and felt sort of powerless to repress this part of me. A light came on in her head, and a lot of things in our relationship started to make sense to her. Such as an initial retisence to getting married (felt unworthy of her love at the time, how could someone actually love me with all my warts and all. I guess that is what love actually is) She is very accepting of my dressing but her strongest reservation is how will my dressing affect our daughter. It is hard enough growing up without a stigma attached to your family. Percieved or otherwise.