Question for members who have children

[Allison2018]

I have two kids. One in high school the other in college. I've always hid my lifestyle from them. I'm wondering if I should tell them so it is all out in the open before one of them comes home and is "surprised".

1. Do your kids know?
2. What age did they find out?
3. How did it impact their relationship with you?

[TheHiddenMe]

Mine are 29 and 26 (boys). The 26 y/o still lives with us, he works nights and sleeps during the day.

Have I told them? No. Do they know? Maybe? Dad does his own laundry and sometimes there are panties drying on the rack afterwards. Mom and dad's closet has a lot of woman's clothes that mom never seems to wear. Both are bright (oldest has a Ph.D.), so maybe they have guessed.

But I haven't specifically told them and the issue has never come up, so I can't answer 2 and 3.

[Di]

Hello
First it has to be what you and your wife decide.
Is she aboard you being open?

In my opinion
If it is who you are and you dress most the time in everyday life and are out .But if its just a sometime thing I personally think it would be selfish of you if you are closeted .
Not right for them to have to keep secrets .

You might be open and out to everyone and if in that case just be you / theres nothing wrong.

But if you are in the closet do not put them in the closet with you.

[JulieC]

Hi Allison! Echoing others in another thread from you; welcome to the forum :) We're glad you're here!

I have three kids. None of them know. That obviates question 2 and 3 :) Two of the kids are adults, one is still in high school.

My (accepting and supportive) wife and I discussed this many years ago. We decided against telling any of them at least until they were all no longer living at home. The rationale was that if it caused a rift, we didn't want any of them to feel trapped in that they couldn't leave home, and would be forced to deal with it in their own living arrangement. Further, we didn't want any of them to feel like they had to keep a secret, either from other nuclear family members or classmates. Being a kid can be enough of a burden at times; they didn't need to keep secret their dad being a crossdresser. So far as we know, this has worked. To our knowledge, none of the kids know. I've been tempted to tell my eldest on a couple of occasions, and my wife said she would be fine with that, but I figure it's better to hold off rather than have her feel like she has to hold a secret in.

Now, I did say "at least". I evaluate things from a cost/benefit approach from time to time, and have done so here. Once the kids are all moved out, I don't see a benefit in telling them other than preventing accidental discovery. I'd prefer I remain just as "dad" to them, rather than "dad" with a female aspect. My wife has said that if we continue that route, that should I outlive her I must put notes in with my femme clothes so that whomever goes through these clothes that clearly didn't fit mom will know what they are and why. I've agreed. If the kids did know, I don't think I'd ever feel comfortable being dressed en femme in front of them, so there's no benefit there.

Now, we have raised the kids to all be not just accepting, but embracing of LGBTQIA+ people. They have all taken that to heart. But, sometimes things that hit closer to home are much harder to accept.

So, in short, the kids do not know and likely will never know.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

3 adult kids upper 20's. 2 know to a point, and don't seem to care. The other doesn't know unless someone's told him, I haven't heard anything.

The 2 that know, one lives next door and sees me wearing odd things now and then, the other, as far as I know, only saw me once in a mini skirt and strappy top, and he yelled "nice dress!" I yelled back "Thanks!"

They're all still my kids, I love them and they love me.

[docrobbysherry]

1. They do now. Didn't when they both lived with me part time. Had to tell them and my ex because I was almost caught a few times.:eek:
2. 19 and 27.
3. One could care less. The other hates it!:doh:

[Raychel]

I will agree with Di on this one, You have to discuss this with your wife and see just what her take is on this.
You both will know what is best for your kids.
Everyone is different. My kids took it very well, they really didn't care, I was still my father. and that was all that mattered to them.
Now that I live a bit of a distance from them, if we do get together, the crossdressing is not an issue, Raychel is not around.
I do not hide everything. and if they do see something they are not surprised. But Raychel is not around when they are either, just out of respect for them.

So talk to your wife and see what she thinks first

[Dutchess]

I had 2 TG partners , one was my husband the other my fiance who died . My fiance had no children of his own but helped raise my daughters . He was out but was really careful about exposing them to unnecessary criticism from other kids so he would go pick up the kids in androgynous mode .
He was 6'6"drove a Jaguar and dressed in black so he kept the main focus of the kids at school or neighborhood on that .

My ex husband Jeez .. he is a really out there AGPer from The Netherlands who has a very tough time controlling his behavior . Both of his bio kids said no and havent spoken to him in years ,, they are 35 and 31. Boy and girl . Oddly they do talk to me but never bring him up .
My kids as I related in another thread 2 ( ages 39 and 36 ) havent spoken to me in 20 years over being married to him but I did not know before I married him .. another 2( 35 and 29 ) sons wont talk about it and pretend he is not there or assume he is not ok mentally . My 2 daughters ( 21 and 28 ) are nice to him if he needs help but his lack of control of his dressing behavior makes them keep him at arms length .
Everyones situation with this is very different . You can be ok with many things that you would not be ok living with yourself .
My kids and I are VERY open minded people but this was tough . If I had known I wouldnt have told the older ones so casually . Or at all .

[alwayshave]

I have three children and two step children. None know. My children I haven't seen in many years so really not an issue. My step children, who live with me, I don't want them to know.

[Kitty Sue]

We have an 8 y.o. She does not know. I don't want her to know.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Allison :hugs:, I have two Daughters , 54 & 55.5, And U see no need to burden them with this Program of Mine, >Orchid**0:daydreaming:0**

[abby054]

I have one child, a 45 year old daughter. She knows. Wife gave her a hint and the two of them went on a search and destroy mission. That is why my stuff is in a storage unit now. Relationship became DADT on this issue. Compartmentalizated.

[bridget thronton]

My son and daughter were told once they were in college (my wife insisted they needed to hear from me rather than some stranger). Neither cares and my daughter and granddaughter live with us and have seen me dressed often.

[Bobbi46]

When "my journey' got to a paricular point of going 24/7 I told my grown up son and daughter, this was some years ago. My daughter was OK and my entire family however my son is growing more and more remote and this last Christmas I was forgotten by him, the door is always open for him.

[kayegirl]

I have two adult children from my first marriage, both know about, but have never seen Kaye. This was one of the conditions of my late wife, and I have always abided by that.
I also have two adult step kids. One of them lives at the other side of the world, his relationship with his mother is somewhat strained, and n
he does not know. My step daughter on the other hand lives fairly close, she is in constant contact with her Mum, and knows all about Kaye, and like her Mum is accepting.
None of our 9 grandkids know.

[Kris Burton]

I have two boys, both adults now, 35 and 37 respectively. Neither of them know of my crossdressing. I did not begin to actively crossdress until 2021, so there was no issue to come up when they were children, and they haven't lived with us for quite a few years now. At present, there is no need for them to know. Although they come around often I always know when it will be,so my chances of being caught are very minimal. I have considered telling them just to be upfront but our arrangement works just fine. I consider it part of my private life. As adults, I do not question their private life nor they mine. If they were to find out, their reaction is unpredictable. My younger son appears to be the more open about such matters, but who knows? I have and have always had a good relationship with both as well as their SOs, so to be revealing at this stage seems to carry an unnecessary risk.

Just so you know, I am fully out with my wife and she is accepting, supportive and participatory up to a point. She agrees with this approach.

[Debbie Denier]

I have 2 daughters aged 21 and 25 still living at home. Both dont know which I think is for the best. One daughters negative comments about Caitlin Jenner told me all I needed to know.

[JocelynJames]

I have 2 adult children ; a daughter (28) and a son (24). They do not know of my crossdressing. I don?t intend on telling them at this point in time. It?s tough to tell what their reactions would be. My son might be more accepting. He revealed to me 3 years ago the Friday before Father?s Day that he was gay. My daughter is a daddy?s girl , and although nothing will change that , crossdressing may change how she views me and our relationship. If I?m caught, then so be it. But they don?t need to know.

[Natalie5004]

I have 3 bio kids, all adults living far away. None know.

I have a step son that lives in CA. He knows because his Mom, (my wife), told him. That kid can keep a secret trust me. We are just hearing crazy stories from 15 years ago from him. So, he is ok in the releasing of information from 2007. That is the file he is on.

He is currently staying in my personal back bedroom where I keep all my clothes, shoes, wig and underwear. He is like a bad relative that you cannot move out. He has been there since the day after Christmas and he is telling me he will stay another week.

I will tell him today that I need to spend a week in Sacramento this spring and I plan on staying with him. Let's see if he gets the hint.

[Linda E. Woodworth]

2 Daughters and neither know about Linda.

This was a decision by wife and I reached after discussing the issue. There was no reason to burden them with this just to make it easier on me.

They are now both grown and out of the house, and state, and I still have no intention of telling them.

[Claire M]

I have two 30-ish kids. Neither knows. They both live in different states so "accidentally dropping by" isn't an issue. I came out to my wife when she caught me when our oldest was about 3. She told me to never let him see me "like this" as it would destroy him. He's probably the most liberal of the family (voted for Democrats???).

I have thought about it. My kids grew up seeing me as the beer brewing/drinking hockey coach who lived for great outdoor adventures (alpine hiking, fishing, remote camping ...) I would hate to lose that image with them. Since I am an occasional dresser at best I don't see the need.

[Brandybea]

I have 3 sons with ages ranging from 27 to 35. My wife is not supportive of my dressing. I have not told any of my sons, however it is likely one or all may suspect. Honestly I would love to tell them and have that burden of hiding the truth be known to them. Don?t want to present in front of them, but I trust they would accept that part of me.

[jacques]

Hello Aliosn,
my children probably know; my granddaughter probably knows.
I have never discussed it with them.
luv J

[Elizabeth G]

My son (35), step daughter (30) and her husband (32) all know and were all told about 3 years ago. The extent to which they see it is pretty minimal (mostly they just see my painted toenails and that's about it). All are ok with it. As a matter of fact it actually brought my son and I a little closer because when I told him it made him more comfortable with opening up to me about issues in his life.

[Aka_Donna]

1. Do your kids know?
Yes, as we told them last year, or a year previous. Not as a group but individually, when it seemed a good time.

2. What age did they find out?
After they were adults and thru with college.


3. How did it impact their relationship with you?
One celebrates it and has been around with a day dressed.
One pretends it doesn't exist.
One treats it as a non-event.
One likes it, but we are still cautious.

Biggest difference is increased comfort level with CD from wife, so no longer need to hide this side of our life.

[Misty_cder]

We have three kids, two in high school and one in middle school.

1. Do your kids know? When they were younger, my wife and I agreed we would not tell them about my dressing, and I only dressed when they would not see me. Presently, they have seen me wear women’s jeans and my shaven legs and chest. I also think they have found my heels which are normally hidden behind my dress pants in our master bedroom closet.

2. What age did they find out? If they have concluded I dress, then it was in their early teens.

3. How did it impact their relationship with you? There was no change.

[Simple pleasures]

I have kept my dressing a secret from my children. Both have left home and I don?t see any benefit in telling them.

[Jennifer03]

I have 3 children and the oldest is 12. I dress at home all the time and none of them care. My oldest and I have talked about it and she has people she follows that are transgender. The other two don't seem to notice and I am still Dad no matter what I am wearing. Occasionally my youngest (9) will say I look like a girl. I take that as high praise. They are home schooled and if they bring it up in public or with family/friends that don't know, I won't hide it. I don't want them to have to keep a secret for me. Except for work and medical visits, Jennifer is out there.

[April Rose]

I've told this story before; when I came out to my son He was 22. He told me he had known since he was 14. He knew my wife and I had been"hippie types" and had been convinced we smoked pot. He went through the house top to bottom trying to find it. He didn't find it. We didn't have any. But guess what he did find.

He's 35 now and while we both have our personal issues, between the two of us, we are solid.

[ColleenA]

1. Do your kids know?
Three sons - 41, 39, 37. Their mother and I divorced when they were about 6, 4, and 2. For the next 16 years, I had few relationships. I decided, as they approached adulthood, that I wanted them to know. I would have hated a scenario where I had a medical emergency or even died while dressed, and they only found out while dealing with a real crisis.

2. What age did they find out?
My middle son actually came across a trunk of clothes when he was about 12. He found it when he was poking around in my closet, as kids will do (and as I did with my parents' stuff). The info weighed on him so heavily that he had to talk to me about it. I explained that it was something I did infrequently and that it stemmed from times when I didn't feel like much of a man. My response seemed to satisfy him well enough.

With the other two, as each approached age 20, I had a one-on-one where I gave them the basics. Neither one had a lot of questions, and they seemed to take in the info without a lot of trouble.

3. How did it impact their relationship with you?
Well, first, let me say that I never dress in front of them. I don't want to add any imagery that conflicts with the dad I have always been to them.

With the oldest and youngest, things seem to be about the same as if I had never told them. We never discuss it, and it's a part of my life they don't interact with. In fact, my oldest has been living with me again for the past 3 years, and I never dress except when he is at work or has gone to bed.

With my middle son, it actually has had a good effect. He comes to me with almost any issue he has, and he knows that I will be nonjudgmental and supportive. So even though he has never met Colleen, she opened a door between us that might not have existed otherwise.

[JayneBray]

IF they know, it's not for lack of going to extreme lengths to keep it from them. There was only time I am aware there MIGHT have been a possibility of exposure. If left a webpage open, while searching for Fall Boots and our daughter saw it. I tried to play it off and asked her if she thought 'mommy' would like any of those boots for her b-day. I am 90% sure she bought it, but you never know. None of the limited wardrobe I own has ever been disturbed, as if someone found it and was going through it.