Therapist question

[VS Fan]

Another thread on therapists reminded me of something I discussed last time with mine. I?ve been seeing her for about 3 years and she?s fully aware of my cross dressing, but every time I mention it I do so in a dismissing, quieter, faster tone. Last time, she asked me ?why do you always act dismissive of the cross dressing?? Subtle tone of ?why do you act ashamed of it??

I stated that I didn?t know (which at the time was true). But the more I have thought about it since, I think that it is because I am still somewhat ashamed or have feelings of inadequacy about it. Since my wife is understanding, but not excited about it and does not participate in any way, I feel that it lowers me in her eyes. I?m nearly 6 feet tall, and many years of acne has prevented me from hiding my scars even with the best of makeup so I?m the furthest thing from passable in my eyes (beer belly from carbs doesn?t help either, although I?m probably only 15 lbs from an ideal weight). All that adds up to a lack of confidence dressed and honestly even in male mode. Not being in a position to be ?outed? at work or any desire to let extended family know, this leaves me in a tight spot emotionally.

Just trying to sort this all out in my head. Thoughts and advice welcome! I definitely plan on revisiting this topic with her at my next appt.

[docrobbysherry]

U aren't doing anything wrong! And, you're not hurting anyone. Unless it's your SO? I think u should find out and if she's OK with your dressing? Then, work something out that works for u both!:hugs:

Crossdressing has nothing to do with coming out to everyone or passing. Only trans do that. Stop over thinking/worrying about things that aren't important and live your life.:thumbsup:

[Kris Burton]

I think you are already aware of where your therapist is going to go with this - feelings of inadequacy and confidence issues. In your post, you are very quick to point out areas that you feel you are falling short, and you even acknowledge a lack of confidence. Taking a dismissive posture toward your own crossdressing may be just another example of this, and you therapist will likely hone in on this area. You might prepare for the next session by giving those kinds of things some thought, perhaps connecting them to your crossdressing but more generally as well.

All of this stated, I do think you are in a position to make some real progress - best wishes to you!

[Geena75]

I think for many of us part time or occasional cross-dressers we don't completely accept this aspect of our lives. As much as we develop and enjoy putting on our feminine side, in between there is still the occasional voice saying "why are you doing this?" or "what is this going to lead to?" Very likely we have answers which satisfy us, but the questions reflect that little point of doubt we will have. Doubt is fine. Doubt is a source of introspection, or self-examination. Doubt or the lack of total self-acceptance is not a problem. Only when we struggle to have an answer is it an issue.

In many life/work decisions I make, even on small matters of which I am confident, I often wonder if I did the right thing, or if I could have done better. It is honestly answering those doubts that helps us grow, develop, and become more confident.

Likewise, not being open about cross-dressing is not necessarily a sign of shame. Do you discuss your sex life with friends and family? No, because it is personal and private. Unless you are in a position of seeing them dressed, then it is personal and/or private. It isn't necessarily an issue of hiding, but of privacy.

[NancyJ]

Take the opportunity to discuss it with your therapist in more detail. Overcoming our shame about our gender dysphoria is a lifelong battle (unfortunately) for most of us. The best way to overcome shame is to talk about whatever is at the root of it. Nancy

[Bea_]

I?ve been in therapy for betrayal trauma for two years. My crossdressing came into the discussion within the first few sessions but became the main discussion in the last few months.

Once we moved to the crossdressing issue, I began dressing for the sessions. The first couple of times I changed in her office while she waited in the lobby, but have since begun walking from my vehicle dressed.

For me, it?s been easier to discuss the issues without having to describe my taste and persona since my appearance shows it. I express my taste and my thoughts openly and she?s been very supportive.

I?m not necessarily suggesting this to anyone. Just relaying my experience.

[GretchenM]

I think the answer here is to fully confront that which produces a sense of shame and produces discomfort. As Nancy suggests, go deep into this subject to find an understanding of it. Once you overcome that shame you will feel much better about yourself. Easier said than done, for sure, but overcoming it is entirely possible. Only when that blockage is removed will you discover the full meaning and role that your total identity plays in producing who you are.

[Stephanie47]

I think the vast majority of guys wish they did not have the needs to wear women's clothing. Life would be a lot simpler. Why would any guy intentionally break societal norms and expectations to reap public disapproval, potential isolation, loss of family and friends, etc? I no longer feel ashamed or in any way feel inadequate. If you're dismissive about anything, it is usually because you associate negativity about it. Once you gain total acceptance of yourself, then the problem becomes dealing with the problem of others not understanding. The big issue with having a wife is the inability to openly share. My mindset with my wife actually was somewhat alleviated by her phrase: "If you want to go fishing, go, but don't expect me to clean it." Why would I want to drag my wife along on a fishing trip if she does not like fishing? Some with cross dressing.

[docrobbysherry]

Bea, experienced counselors don't treat people for "crossdressing" anymore.:heehee:
Just the issues caused by their dressing.

So, it mite be helpful if u explained what issues you and your therapist have been dealing with for so long?:straightface:

[VS Fan]

Thank you all for such thoughtful replies!

[Bea_]

Bea, experienced counselors don't treat people for "crossdressing" anymore.:heehee:
Just the issues caused by their dressing.

So, it mite be helpful if u explained what issues you and your therapist have been dealing with for so long?:straightface:

Mostly we've been dealing with issues of acceptance within my marriage along with some self acceptance. I'm totally a man-in-a-dress and I don't have a female persona. Mostly, it's continuing issues in my marriage and how the dressing is affecting that.