I'm back - with good news

[Larissa Cassandra]

I've been mostly away from the forum for the past few months (on & off) because I've been very depressed and wondering if I should just quit crossdressing. I even packed most of my femme clothes in boxes and put them in the attic (with the intent of giving them away if I decided not to keep them). The reason I did this was that I was misreading my wife's signals. As a very accepting and supporting partner (after taking a couple of months to get used to the idea when I came out to her in 2020), she would occasionally ask me how Larissa was doing and, if it had been a while since seeing me dressed, would ask when she would be seeing Larissa again.

Well, we were on vacation the last half of October and I was in drab the whole time. She bought me a dress and I tried it on and she took a picture, which I posted here in November, but when we got back, I got into my depression, and neither she nor I mentioned Larissa. Before that I would dress once or twice a week and she would take pictures and advise on my outfits, but after the vacation I didn't feel like doing that because I thought she had had enough of Larissa. I'd read in here that that's what has happened to other CD's SO's - initially accepting but tiring of it over time (months or years). So I resigned myself to the "fact" that she must not be supportive any more, so I would just dress when she wasn't home, and only underdress when she couldn't see me changing. Of course, Larissa's undergarments would end up in the laundry, so she knew I was still dressing, but didn't ever comment about it!

Also she made more and more comments like "You're my man" and how great a man I am. I don't have gender dysphoria, so I don't deny that (and it's very kind and loving of her to say those things), but by increasingly emphasizing "man" I assumed that she was sending subconscious signals that she didn't approve of my feminine persona.

So this all came to a head Sunday night, when she showed me one of my (formerly) white camis that she mistakenly put in the laundry with blue jeans and turned a little blue. After I told her it was ok, she sat down and asked me what happened to Larissa! We had a long talk, and it turns out that my assumptions were entirely mistaken. She not only is still completely supportive, but she actually encouraged me to always express myself however I want to. That would include going out, and coming out to friends and family. I reiterated that I'm not trans; I just like (prefer, mostly) feminine clothing, makeup, long hair, perfume, etc., and she's perfectly fine with all of it. I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have her. (She came in a few minutes ago to talk about something unrelated and said "You look very pretty tonight." WOW!) Needless to say, at least half of my depression has vanished (the rest being caused by world events that I can't control).

Anyway, I just wanted to share this uplifting story for what it's worth. I sincerely hope that all of my CD sisters will be able to enjoy a situation as free and happy as mine.

Love and Peace,
Larissa

[JenniferWhenCD]

Glad to have you back and feeling better!

[bridget thronton]

Glad she lifted your spirits - your post reminds us how important it is to talk to our partners rather than guess how they our feeling.

[Annajose]

Great to hear that you are back, do not let depression take the joy out of your life!

[Marie-Jo]

Such a good wife! She communicated and solved your problems very nicely. She saw your need when you would not admit it to yourself. Trust that woman!

[Maria 60]

I was going through the same thing, and I wrote in my post "just asked". My wife was being less affectionate and less intemit and I automatically took it as maybe I was dressing to much. I was about to slow down the dressing and then thought to myself instead of just assuming that was the problem why not just ask her. Just like yourself she told me it had nothing to do with the dressing and that she enjoyed the aspect of it all. Sometimes we just read the signals wrong and in reality all we had to do is communicate. Im happy it all worked out and looking forward to seeing you back.

[Crissy 107]

Larissa, I am happy things have worked out so well.
There is no doubt we tend to read into things that do not exist or try and surmise what our wives are thinking. Good luck with that.
Talking obviously works the best even if we think we already know the answer.
I have missed your smiling face so I hope you stick around.

[alwayshave]

Jennifer, I'm glad you had an opportunity to talk this out with your wife and that your assumptions were unfounded.

[Teri Ray]

Great information. I am always encouraged to hear stories of couples working through this desire and finding common ground. Best wishes to you and your wife.

[Melindatv61]

Wonderful, how very uplifting for you. I have the same feelings sometimes,and totally relate to yours. A few words of encouragement are such a boost.

[GretchenM]

Glad to hear that things have been worked out. She is a good and sensitive woman who loves you enough to accurately sense your needs and wants you to be happy. It is easy to get the wrong impression as we are surrounded with so much negativity toward anything that deviates from the traditional and stereotypical concept and perception of gender. We also make mistakes in how we interpret what it is like to fit into the transgender world. The definition is very broad and in some concepts transgender does not even exist because essentially everybody has some capability to experience the "opposite" gender feelings and behaviors depending upon the circumstances. Once that is positively implanted in our brains we act on it in a multitude of ways. Plus all the fear and shame we experience tends to confuse our perceptions of ourselves in the context of the society in which we live. Glad you are back and relating to the world that is the more natural you. She knows that need and how to help you address it.

[kimdl93]

That is wonderful. A new and wonderful chapter is about to begin in your life!

[NancyJ]

Larissa, Yes, we need to talk to our partners. When we hesitate to do so, we can make up all kinds of things that we imagine they are thinking about us. Happy for the two of you! I find it interesting that you make a point to say that you are not trans. Perhaps you have no interest in transitioning, but your description of your interests puts you somewhere on the continuum (IMO). Do you think that your depression was related to either 1) not dressing, or 2) imagining that your wife was no longer accepting and so your dressing days were over. If either were true, to me, that puts you on the spectrum. But, the important thing of course is that the two of you talked! Nancy

[Di]

Larissa, Yes, we need to talk to our partners. When we hesitate to do so, we can make up all kinds of things that we imagine they are thinking about us. Happy for the two of you! I find it interesting that you make a point to say that you are not trans. Perhaps you have no interest in transitioning, but your description of your interests puts you somewhere on the continuum (IMO). Do you think that your depression was related to either 1) not dressing, or 2) imagining that your wife was no longer accepting and so your dressing days were over. If either were true, to me, that puts you on the spectrum. But, the important thing of course is that the two of you talked! Nancy

Please everyone read what NancyJ wrote! So many times everyday we read my wife thinks this or that …..I would say most times you have it all wrong. Please talk to your loved ones.

Larissa, I appreciate you telling us the great news! It probably will help many .
I am very happy for you both and this post made my day.

[WandaRae2009]

I am glad you are doing better. Depression is scary and can be dangerous. It drove my mother into a total mental collapse. Once I got her treatment her condition improved. Depression is an illness. There is no shame in seeking help. Getting treatment for depression is really no different that getting treatment for diabetes. Obviously, by your story, you wife is aware there is a problem. Seeking help will not only help you but your wife, friends, and family as they are all impacted by your state of mind.

I hope you continue to get better. Not because we want to see you latest purchase being modeled, but we want you to be healthy.

[AmyJordan]

If we've been out and I'm in my male clothes if I haven't changed within 30 minutes of returning my wife will always say 'where's Amy' and make me go and change. There are some wonderful women out there and it seems we both have one.

[Raychel]

We are all taught from a very young age that crossdressing is wrong.
As we get older we find out that maybe not so much. So if there is any
sort of disconnect or issue in the relationship with your accepting partner,
We automatically assume it is the crossdressing. But there are so many
other reason that could be causing the problems. Yet we assume this is the
case and draw back into a cave. It is definitely much better to talk with your
partner and find out what is really going on. So glad you had the talk and all worked out well

[rachelatshop]

Hi Larissa, Thank you for sharing your story. It just goes to show that it is all about communication with out significant others, that we can't just assume anything. Thanks again, and my you have happy dressing always
Rach

[Aunt Kelly]

Communication... I love it when people discover (or rediscover) how important that is in a relationship. :)

[Fiona_44]

Your wife is a gem Larissa. You are indeed very lucky.

[NewSally]

That's so wonderful that you were able to have that conversation with your wife, and that it went just as it did. I'm sure you're thrilled to have Larissa back, as is everyone else here! Supportive and understanding women such as her are not the norm, so you're one lucky lady!

[Geena75]

I am so happy for you! I can empathize with you caution, though. Your concern for your wife's feelings is a sign of a good relationship. Even more so in that your wife reciprocates that feeling.

Now comes the big step of getting out as Larissa. I know how daunting it can be, but I also know how invigorating it is. It's a matter of choosing the right venue, and feeling confident to step out of the door. Keep me posted!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Larissa :hugs:, That was a great Story with a Very Special Happy Ending,

Bhe ball is in her court Now, Keep Talking, >Orchid**0:daydreaming:0**

[Kris Burton]

Great to see you back Larissa - and it looks like your relationship is strong! Couldn't ask for more - All the best, Kris

[BrendaPDX]

Hi Larissa, This is not good news this is "GREAT" news! I am very happy for you! Brenda

[Heather76]

Larissa, that is a wonderful story. Thanks for passing it on as it is another way to offer hope to all crossdressers who are not as lucky to have such an understanding wife/SO as you have.

[Gi Gondin]

Congratulations Larissa. I’m very happy to know that this misunderstanding was resolved and lead to a greater advancement on your communication and agreement between you two. I can surely relate to how edgy we may get ‘reading’ signs and quickly attributing them to the wrong motives!

It’s always inspiring to heat about supportive partners! They exist, they are not fantasies!

[mbmeen12]

You know Larisa, initially I thought is was going to be: I threw my stuff out story with the prodigal return times 3. Not there's anything wrong with members returning, purging etc I've read of the years. This story has been a pleasure reading. Thank you and good on you.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Now comes the big step of getting out as Larissa. I know how daunting it can be, but I also know how invigorating it is. It's a matter of choosing the right venue, and feeling confident to step out of the door. Keep me posted!

I agree, Getting out as Larissa, with your wife. Hint, hint!

[Larissa Cassandra]

Thanks for all your kind replies to my post. I've never felt more compassion and support from any other group I've been associated with than I've experienced on this forum.

- - - Updated - - -


Perhaps you have no interest in transitioning, but your description of your interests puts you somewhere on the continuum (IMO). Do you think that your depression was related to either 1) not dressing, or 2) imagining that your wife was no longer accepting and so your dressing days were over. If either were true, to me, that puts you on the spectrum.

Very interesting and you are right. I'm not sure the psychology/psychiatry profession's definition of the trans spectrum is fully developed yet, but the way I understand it, I've concluded that I am indeed on it, somewhere in the middle (going from left to right, on the left end would be someone who under-dresses with panties, sleeps in a nightgown, or maybe uses a little makeup, and on the right end would be someone who has fully medically transitioned and is living as a woman 24/7). But I don't identify as a "trans woman," who I see as very close to the "right end" of the spectrum as I described it. I admire and respect them all, and hope some day society at large will feel the same. (I think Gretchen's post is similar to my assessment of the spectrum. Gretchen, are we on the same wavelength here?)

As for my depression, it was related to both 1 and 2 equally, with the state of our sorry world being an equal 3. :sad:

- - - Updated - - -


Now comes the big step of getting out as Larissa. I know how daunting it can be, but I also know how invigorating it is. It's a matter of choosing the right venue, and feeling confident to step out of the door. Keep me posted!

Thanks for the encouragement Geena (and Steffi too!). I'm still chicken to go out fully dressed, but I went out last week to lunch at Taco Time with my wife and I had bright lavender nail polish on. I was very careful to hide my fingernails at first, but as time went on, I started not caring. There weren't many people there (we ate inside), but I think a couple of people noticed but of course didn't say anything. I'm starting to understand what those of you brave souls write about here when you say it gets easier and better. I will definitely keep you posted!!

- - - Updated - - -


You know Larisa, initially I thought is was going to be: I threw my stuff out story with the prodigal return times 3. Not there's anything wrong with members returning, purging etc I've read of the years. This story has been a pleasure reading. Thank you and good on you.

No way I'd ever purge again (been there, done that!), but I can see how you might have thought that from my thread title. I love all my girly stuff and enjoy it so much, and that's what I think of whenever I've been depressed and thought that purging and living "as a man" would solve all my problems. My only problems now are having to hide my crossdressing from everyone but my lovely wife. Maybe that will change some day, but I'm not getting any younger (70 this year) so maybe this is it, so I'll make the best of it.

[msniki48]

Larissa, that is a great story/// thanks for sharing. The thought of just giving your stuff away... dont do it. my therapist said to me [ when i was right where you were ] When u need her she will be there meaning [ me as niki ] ...when my wife sees the depression she immediately says to go get changed and get yourself right... Good for you and your loving wife.... hugs.... niki

[Larissa Cassandra]

...when my wife sees the depression she immediately says to go get changed and get yourself right...

Wow, Niki, that's awesome! My wife hasn't done that (yet?), but maybe because I haven't been depressed since the talk we had last week.

Hugs,
Larissa

[Diane P]

Larissa congratulations on talking with your wonderful wife and getting things strainghtened out so you can continue to be yourself. There is something going on in Kansas City the middle of the month that, as of right now I plannong on going to as Diane. Of course I'll drive up there and check into the motel in male mode but will let Diane dress the way she feels before going to the event. Stil trying to decide between wearing a Covid-19 mask, to over the beard, or just shave it off. Will have to decide but have a couple weeks yet.

Again confratulations and glad to hear that you have such a loving ans supportive wife. Cherish her, she is a rare jewel.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Thank you, Diane. I agree that my wife is a rare jewel and I'm lucky to have found her after my first marriage ended over 20 years ago. Have fun at your event in KC. I know you didn't ask, but I would vote to shave the beard. Not sure how long you've had it, but if you don't like your smooth face you can always grow it back fairly quickly - as opposed to long hair, which takes years to grow back. I'm thinking about going to an event in May in Washington State. It would be my first time meeting other CDers in person, or being out in public in full Larissa mode, so I'm a little nervous about it. Anyway, if I do go I'll post about it here. Hope you do the same!

[Jade P]

Great to hear you and your wife have come to a loving understanding. I keep praying for this with my relationship!

[Larissa Cassandra]

Thanks, Jade. So are you close to coming out, or DADT (or worse)? Maybe it's time to have "the talk."

[NancyJ]

Larissa, A wise therapist taught me this about depression: Depression is the result of an imbalance between emotional depletion and emotional replenishment. Imagining that we are not loved or accepted for who we are, obviously, is tremendously emotionally depleting. On the other hand, experiencing love, understanding, and acceptance is replenishing. Connection is replenishing, isolation is depleting. Gender dysphoria is depleting, freedom to express our true gender is replenishing.

Crazy thing is that when we are depressed we often do things that keep us depressed: isolate, become self critical, engage in destructive and relationship damaging behaviors, etc.

So glad you talked with your wife. My wife makes my life so much better! Nancy

[CDMargret]

This really is such great news. So happy for you.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Thanks, Nancy and Margret.

Nancy - I really appreciate your thoughtful and uplifting posts! The love, understanding, and acceptance I get on this forum are indeed replenishing, and are a great help in reducing or preventing my bouts of depression. And I'm very happy to hear that you also have an understanding and supportive wife.

(BTW, my depression is really mild compared to those unfortunate people who might spend days at a time in bed or not going anywhere, crying a lot, etc. My depression is just hours or a day at a time, and I force myself to get out of the house or at least do something productive and not get into a quagmire of sadness.)

[Jade P]

Thanks, Jade. So are you close to coming out, or DADT (or worse)? Maybe it's time to have "the talk."

My wife has know about my on and off wearing of
pantyhose for many years. 5 years ago I wrote
her a letter coming out as non binary and explaining my issues. It has caused us to live as married friends. I hope and pray for a loving relationship again with her.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Jade, I'm so sorry to hear that. It sounds like a terrible situation. I'm glad you're at least friends with your wife, but after 5 years, it may be time to part ways. But first, counseling might help.

[Ricck]

I'm thinking about going to an event in May in Washington State. It would be my first time meeting other CDers in person, or being out in public in full Larissa mode, so I'm a little nervous about it. Anyway, if I do go I'll post about it here.

Are you talking about Esprit? I've also been thinking of going....

[Alexandrea]

awww thats really good to hear. I hope i someone like that in my lifetime!