Anyone find counseling helpful???

[dalearden]

Hi all, I am considering calling a counselor in my area to talk to. Never done this nor even thought I would even consider it. I just can't seem to stop thinking about dressing and being a woman, I day dream during the day when I should be working and my spouse I think senses that I am distracted. idk, can't imagine talking face to face with another human being about all this. Anyone have a good experience with this? I mean, how do you tell a therapist, oh I am here because I like dressing in women's clothing, can you help minimize this so I can get on with life and work???

Thanks,

dale

[Lana Mae]

Hi, Dale! Highly recommend this! Be sure they have experience with gender counseling and ask if they can cure you! If they say yes, run like H---! Find a different one! I am so happy I found mine! Best thing I ever did! Best wishes going forward! Hugs Lana Mae

[docrobbysherry]

I believe u r mistaken, Dale. If u want to be "cured" I don't believe you'll find a reputable counselor that will help u with that. But, they'll help u work on the problems your dressing may cause with your family, friends, and work!:thumbsup:

When I discussed my need to dress with my therapist, she said, "Is that causing your marital problems?"

When I said, "No". She quit talking about my dressing and we moved on to more relevent, important, topics!:doh:

[mbmeen12]

][/QUOTE] I like dressing in women's clothing, can you help minimize this so I can get on with life and work[QUOTE]




Are you willing to lose all you've achieved? Can you have both worlds? Yes I've done counseling and it had so so effects. I chose to tell my SO through dressing for her and then it was over ie being married. Lost thousands of dollars etc...Go to counseling it can't hurt and weigh costs vs rewards and good luck.

[Jane G]

So long ago that I can barley remember it, but for sure counselling was good for our partnership at the time. Some 35 years ago now.

[BLUE ORCHID]

There are two kinds of Counselers.

The ones that tell you what you want to hear,

And the ones that tells your Wife what she wants to Hear,

[TheHiddenMe]

You probably need a counselor that deals with gender issues, and based on you're being in mid Missouri, there probably aren't a lot around you (perhaps some in Columbia associated with Mizzou, but perhaps not).

I'd suggest instead of looking locally, post Covid many counselors do on line counseling. By looking on line, you will be better able to find one that deals with gender issues. Just my 2 cents.

P.S. My American based son did counseling with an Australian based counselor, because my Aussie born wife had the connection. It worked for him.

[SaraLin]

Dale,
First off - like the other ladies have said, any reputable counsellor won't "cure" you. That's not their job. They ARE there to help you find your way through whatever difficulties you're having and to help you find yourself. Hopefully your best self, whoever he - or she- may be.

As for talking face to face - don't worry. You're not going to shock or upset any counsellor that's worth a darn. They're seen W*A*Y worse than this little thing. Don't hold back. Just go for it. After all, they can't help you with things you won't tell them about, right?

As I like to remind people: the counsellor is there to work FOR you, not the other way around. You're not there to please them. They're there to help you.
And if they're not doing the job, you're perfectly free to fire them and find someone who can.


OOPS! I almost didn't answer your question.
Yes - for me, I definitely did find it helpful. Like I indicated above, he didn't "cure" me, but helped me to understand and accept myself. That understanding helped immensely. I went from nearly suicidal to "hey - I'm not such a bad sort after all." And while I haven't been "cured" of anything, my life is much better than it had ever been before.
I recently started counselling again. this time it was for "sneak attack" bouts of depression, but (of course) my gender issues have come up. It's early yet, and I don't have any progress reports. Still - I remain hopeful.

[abby054]

Nope. Did not help. Caused more problems than it helped. Then when I got the bill, it did hurt. A lot.

Marriage counseling failed for reasons described elsewhere in more detail on this forum: first two marriage counselors were crooks. Wife went to third marriage counselor. I declined to go. He was assassinated in prison after being convicted of sexually assaulting female patients. No more marriage counseling for me. Fool me twice, shame on me.

Counseling for other problems is a limited employer benefit of mine. As soon as the handful of sessions were exhausted, counselor refused to continue even if I agreed to pay. Counseling itself did not help me deal with any of my problems. My experience in summary is that counseling is a fraud. I know no exceptions.

Blue Orchid, you are right. When I am paying good money, I identify the first kind quickly and fire them. The second kind are expensive, financially and psychologically, and difficult to fire.

[crobeson96]

My response is generic rather than specific to crossdressing. As you all know raising teenage children is a challenge. At one point simply out of having no other options we accessed a counselor to talk about our difficulties - the problem child and our individual difficulties at dealing with them and with each other's different ways of reacting.

I was astounded at the professionalism and insight we found. The counselor interviewed all of us together then just the parents and then just the teen. He explained at length that our problem was anything but isolated ("I had two just like you this morning and four more after lunch.") and gave us all some things to think about and some practical things to do before the next session. We had a couple of other sessions in following weeks but the benefit was immediate and lasting so I never, ever hesitate to recommend talking to a professional when something is troubling you.

I would not hesitate to call the same counselor to discuss whatever was bothering me. I doubt seriously that any experienced counselor would think your desires and practices are unique(!) and I am sure they would know a lot about helping you understand, accept and deal with any concerns you have in real and practical ways.

[alwayshave]

Dale, I have gone to counseling to address some stresses/issues in my life. Crossdressing was not one of them. I found that the counseling helped. However, do I think that a counselor will be able to "cure" you. Hell no. Don't waste your time or money.

[GretchenM]

Dale, ten years ago I was where you are now. It was difficult to concentrate on anything without my brain switching into the gender expression mode and going a bit wild in trying to solve that problem. I know very well what you are feeling and experiencing. For me, this confusion developed immediately after I came out and had ceased the battle to do away with the girl in me which had been going on for almost 60 years. My brain was asking of itself, "What now?" and not finding anything but a mud hole. I found a gender therapist and went to her for about 3 months, once or twice a week.

It did solve my problem, but the solution was not embracing the masculine more fully. In fact, in some ways, it went the other direction. That therapy process is supposed to help you solve your own problem in your own way. Worked very nicely. I learned the tools to examine my own situation and find my own solutions.

I am now very secure in my non-binary identity even though initially and for part of that time I was in therapy (individual and group) I was considering transition. The tools I learned helped me identify the unique characteristics of my own gender structure and follow the many possible pathways into resolution and in a place that is incredibly comfortable, acceptable to my dear wife, and most (but not all) of my friends and relatives. And those tools still help me with maintenance of that comfortable gender identity.

As for what to look for, please go back in your thread and read Lana Mae's response. She spoke wise words. I was lucky and found the first person I selected was compatible with me, but I know others that had to switch because of various issues. Do not look for someone who will help you get what you may want in terms of the resolution that you want. You are mixed up right now and that is why it is a problem so whatever solutions you are thinking of as possibilities are being devised in a disturbed environment. Right now your solutions are probably wrong just as mine was. The solution for you may be in a different direction or not. Basically what you are experiencing is full blown gender dyphoria that has produced an environment where your brain can't find a solution to a problem. Talking about it with a person who can moderate your thinking and lead you to finding the solution that is best for you will be very helpful, but in the end you will find a solution to your own problem.

You can do it just as I did. It will take some time but there is a better world ahead where distortion, confusion, and feeling bewildered and lost does not exist and you will be able to live in the gender world that fits you best and best of all, a world of your own making.

[kimdl93]

Yes, I have been through therapy and yes it did help. If you are distracted, and as you say, can?t stop thinking about dressing and/or being a woman, your wife is aware of your distractions, and you feel your work is suffering, then yes, you could benefit. Of course, a therapist wont solve your problems for you. A competent therapist will not make decisions for you. They will, however, help you determine what it is that you are feeling, and help you practice techniques that will help you break the cycle of rumination and obsessive behaviors.

And yes, you can walk into the office, take a deep breath, release it slowl and say exactly the last sentence in your post. Might as well get right to it.

[Genifer Teal]

Never had counseling. Didn't think I needed it. I did well on my own. In retrospect, we can't buy time. Sometimes we can shortcut a process to get to an end result faster. In this light, paying for help for any task As opposed to DIY can save a great amount of time and get you to the ends result faster. Then you effectively have more time to enjoy the end result. How many of us have wished we did or knew something sooner? Counselling may help you do that.

[Ameli]

Counselling has been amazing for me. I can’t say enough good things about how it’s helped me. And talking to others about crossdressing is cathartic - especially the first time. You might want to consider meeting another cd in your area amd going for a walk in guy mode? It feels great to know another soul is out in the world that understands this part of you.

[NancyJ]

Finding a good therapist is not easy, and you can hear plenty of horror stories about bad experiences, but those should not deter you from trying. I agree with others who recommend finding a therapist who has experience with gender issues. And given where you live, that may mean doing virtual therapy. BTW, most insurances will only pay for virtual therapy if the client and therapist are in the same state. Do not hesitate to move on and find a new therapist if you do not feel the connection is good or you do not feel understood. The number one factor in therapeutic effectiveness: the quality of connection between the client and the therapist. Talking can help moderate obsessive thinking. Give it a try. Good luck, Nancy

[Aunt Kelly]

Wow... lots of advice already, and much of it of dubious value. Some of it, however, is spot on. As Doc states, if you're looking for a "cure", don't. There isn't one. If you're looking for a magical approach to make your spouse (or others) understand, again... don't. Beyond a certain point, there is nothing that you can do to "make" them accept you.

What you should be looking for, is someone who understands gender identity issues, and who can guide you in understanding yourself. They will not provide the answers for you. If they do, find another counselor. What they will do is ask the questions that will help you find answers. This is a process. As you've stated, you "...can't imagine talking face to face with another human being about all this..." That can change, but two things are required; 1) Your courage and desire to get to those answers, and 2) The time it will take to develop the trust necessary for you to open up about your feelings. It took many months for me acknowledge who a really am. From that breakthrough point though, the peace and understanding came by leaps and bounds. It was absolutely worth the work.

[WandaRae2009]

Absolutely! I can say it saved my marriage. It helped me understand and accept myself. It also helped my wife understand the whole crossdressing thing as something that cannot be "fixed" and it is not something that will go away. We moved from ending the marriage to tolerance on her part. We are moving slowly to a greater level of acceptance but not to the point where she would participate. She has even borrowed some things from time to time.

[April Rose]

I agree with those who have suggested a therapist already trained in gender identity issues. Counseling is expensive. You really don't want to be paying them to listen to you teach them about gender conflict.

As far as being anxious about telling them about wearing women's clothes the best advice I was given was to write out, in advance, the issues you feel you need to deal with, and just read it off you list. Try to think of at least three, because problems often interact with each other in ways you might not be aware of yourself.

It will be easier to get the issues out there, without chickening out, and thus wasting time and money on the first interview.

[Beano980]

I was in therapy for several years. My only advice would be to remember that therapists are just people. There are good ones and bad ones. Be 100% truthful, open and honest. Actively listen to how they interact with you and if they challenge you to consider things you have not previously considered. A good therapist will challenge you. A bad therapist will simply mirror back to you your comments and then sit there passively. Do not expect that the first one you visit with will necessary be a good fit. If its not, move on quickly to another therapist.

[Adelaide]

I've met 2 different counselors over the years, both women. The first one was following a recommendation of my wife 25 years ago who never wanted me to start crossdressing in the first place. It helped me greatly, both reaffirming who I really was. The first one even invited my wife to join on the 6th session. The counselor mentioned to my wife that I was a beautiful woman inside & out and recommended that she supports me in my CD efforts and beyond. That created a crisis in our relationship that is still there today. But at least, it had the benefit of validating who I really am. The second one validated the findings of the second one, which made me even more secure.

[Fiona_44]

Therapists have seen and heard everything so trust me you will not shock them in the least by discussing your cross dressing.

[Bea_]

I started therapy two years ago for some betrayal PTSD issues and it has helped some in that respect. I was in therapy for a few months before I brought up in session that about half my wardrobe was from the woman's department. We didn't delve into the crossdressing for another year or so, but in the last six months or so, crossdressing has been the focus of our sessions.

I get the impression that I am the first crossdresser my therapist has dealt with. She's been supportive and has kept the dialog going to help me come to terms with the need to express myself and the challenges it has caused, mostly inside my marriage. I've been to most session dressed for months now and the validation has been helpful. I've found that masking my need to wear the things I like has become more painful than the loss of intimacy that unmasking is causing.

In my case, I am not seeking to minimize my own taste and behaviors as much as I am wanting to find the appropriate boundaries. I pretty much refuse to do DADT although I throttle my tastes somewhat for my wife's comfort. So, therapy is simply a way to help me cope and hopefully find a better sense of peace with it all.

[albine]

Hi Dale
I went to counseling and it helped me a lot, sorting out issues, actually wish I had gone to counseling first than going off in a tangent with some cosmetic surgery. The therapist help me a lot, it takes time and effort and you need to be totally honest for the therapy to work. it is a process and takes time. Best thing is to go to one see if you mesh and go form there, there no issues if you decide that a therapist is not right for you and either stop or find another.

This might not be easy part but they are there to listen, guide and challenge you, which to some may not be what they want to hear.

[Dutchess]

Read what the op is saying .

I don't think he is looking for a cure but help with the obsession that way too many get just by reading about and looking at others doing this . A few vets here on this forum have discussed dressing OCD before . You don't really need a gender therapist .. all they do is say yes no matter what you say .
I've experienced too much of that and lost big time .
I agree its best to get the obsession under control ( and no that doesn't always mean gender dysphoria at all , sometimes you are just obsessed and it takes control ) so you can manage your life that you are living around it .

[dalearden]

Thank you everyone for the response! I did not expect so many when I logged back on! Dutchess yes you are correct, if there was a cure I think after 40+ years I would have found it lol! Its just that my feelings and urges wax and wane, at least have always so far waned after peaking...its just seems this time is different and I am not prepared for this to affect anyone else, esp. close family. I think I just have to get over the hump of being able to speak the things I can write...it seems impossible at this point even to a professional in confidence.

[Sabine Janus]

Counseling isn't about "Curing" its about coping or even accepting. Find a way to fit it into the framework of your life in a healthy way.

1st question is WHY all of a sudden is it so large in your life? Is it relieving other pressures, did something change? What happened that NOW its an issue as opposed to 5 years ago.

SJ

[Jane G]

There are two kinds of Counselers.

The ones that tell you what you want to hear,

And the ones that tells your Wife what she wants to Hear,

What if, as is often the case, you both want to hear the same thing?

[BLUE ORCHID]

That wasn't the case for Me, Jane G,

[Jade P]

I liked being able to talk to someone about my issues. Not getting judged and hearing some ways to try to help our marriage. Some worked and some didnt, but I think my wife and I were both glad I went to talk to a therapist. I stopped going but feel like I should start again. Mental health is important for everyone, especially when there are important issues like relationships and our gender.