Coping with Nasty Comments from SO

[Bianca Fay]

I completely understand why many SOs resort to name-calling after discovering that their man wants to wear women's clothing and/or present as a lady. It is a massive shock and conflicts with what they considered to be their ideal man. Many GGs would need to lash out while they process this confusing revelation.

I'm curious as to how members on this forum balanced hostile comments from their mate while maintaining an ongoing relationship.

In my long-ago past relationship I was inundated with all the F-words and slurs. In addition to these slurs I also had to endure endless tirades such as "I bet you want to prance around in my pantyhose" and "You probably wish you could be a woman".

How have you all dealt with comments like these (if you have) and have you been able to forgive your SO? Not saying that their harsh words are unforgivable, but how did you find the fortitude to continue forward in the relationship?

[krissysSecret]

That seems to be an impossible relationship to continue to pursue. Why would you want to put yourself in that situation and try to continue?
It’s time to move on sister and be happy.

[SaraLin]

Nope. No way. Outta here. Why would anyone want to continue a relationship with someone who hates them?

My exes never did this - at least around me. (Who knows what they said when I wasn't around?)
For the most part, they struggled to accept, with varying degrees of success. But - they were never cruel.
If they had, they'd have been gone. Why punish BOTH people by trying to maintain a relationship that's impossibly incompatible?

Oh - if my current SO ever said "you probably wish you could be woman," I'd nod and say "Yes, I do." But she already knows that.

[alwayshave]

Bianca, I have only revealed my dressing to my now wife and did so early in our relationship. She is accepting. My ex-wife, who did not know I dressed, would have used the information to try to manipulate me.

[Crissy 107]

I agree with SaraLin, Nope, No way and outta here. Unfortunately that sounds like a very miserable situation and why would anyone possibly want to stay in it. Fortunately it sounds like that is far in your past but that sort of abuse should never be acceptable.

[abby054]

How to deal with the comments? Ignore them. I learned to forgive, wife and other people, not because they deserve forgiveness, but for my own peace of mind. For that matter, I could use some forgiveness myself when I do not deserve it.

Why not leave? Just because a divorce happens, that does not solve most of the problems. It solves some, puts some problems at arms length, and makes some problems worse. I determined from some cold, hard thought that I am better off with wife than without her.

[kimdl93]

Although its is common behavior, in many households, no one is justified to lash out at their partner or other family members with words (or in any other way). It is one thing for a person to acknowledge their own anger or fears. Quite another to express that anger in deliberately cruel language. Perhaps that is why around 50% of first marriages end in divorce. When anger controls the tongue, meaningful communication has ended.

[Krisi]

To me, that would signal the end of the marriage.

[GretchenM]

My wife did not say things like that, but after 45 years of marriage I could translate her behavior into words and they were not nice. About 6 weeks after I came out and was regretting I had I decided to go see a therapist. It calmed her down a bit and it calmed me down a bit as well. She went to a different therapist that helps loved ones of those who are dealing with gender identity issues.

It was a rocky road for several months, but a comfortable resolution was found and we each worked together to understand each other better and our feelings about each other.

Is that the usual outcome of going to a therapist? I, quite frankly, do not know, but it is better than just throwing in the towel on the marriage. That's the nuclear option. Don't jump to that. A therapist will help you two to take a crack at adapting to a new equation in a neutral and refereed environment.

I know her words are hurtful and very painful for you. But please understand it is because she is confused and lost in what to do in this entirely new situation. Don't react to her by telling her this or that; it will just polarize the situation more. Instead discuss it with questions that seek to communicate about each other's feelings on the same level. Discussing facts at this point will only add to the confusion. You two need to get a clear idea of what each of you are Feeling and that is best approached with a discussion that involves questions about feelings. Feelings are neither right or wrong - they just are.

A resolution to your situation is more likely than not because love bonded you two and still bonds you even though the environment has changed and created extreme tension that comes mostly from confusion and not understanding each other's position and how that affects your individual lives and your lives together. If she is absolutely unwilling to discuss it in that way then going to a marriage counselor to get you with help getting over that hump is an option so you two can move on to working on the gender issues together. A solution is entirely possible.

[Sandi Beech]

Everyone?s situation is unique. In my case, the nastiness stopped when she did not have to see me in women?s wear, so I do not dress in front of her any more.

If my wife stayed nasty toward me after I stopped, that would be a problem. Since her behavior was just a reaction to mine, I can not hold it against her. Our relationship did take some hits over it but recovered.

I tried to be honest like everyone preaches here, over and over again. I eventually gave up and only dress away from home. Not ideal by any means, but that is how I coped with the issue. She does not bring it up, and neither do I. Otherwise, all is well. Like I said everyone?s situation is unique. Only you can decide what works for you.

Sandi

[KatieGirl CD]

This is the reason why I never disclosed my love of dressing to my Ex Wife and Girlfriends since divorcing. I don't think any of them would have understood how good I feel dressed and could see them talking to friends and neighbours about it.

[Genifer Teal]

Honesty and openness can lay groundwork for a successful relationship. In the early stages this helps you
Choose a compatible mate. When someone hides such a huge deal breaker (for many), it's easy to feel duped, harbor resentment and want to lash out or get back at them.

[Aka_Donna]

Read Gretchen's post at least 3 times and let it sink in. Key: feelings first and then other sharing of insights, including feelings. This is NOT a time for typical gut reactions. You need to break out of you stand routines of responding. This is so so so emotionally charged a good therapist can be a god send.

[Aunt Kelly]

What you describe is abuse, plain and simple. No one should be expected to live with that. It may be worth the effort to work through the issues that may be giving rise to the abuse, but at some point, one must decide if one wants to live like that. If that sounds glib, it is. Working this out can be complicated. There are a host of things that can figure into a relationship that has devolved to the point of abuse. CD'ing is only one of them.

[NancyJ]

In my long-ago past relationship I was inundated with all the F-words and slurs. In addition to these slurs I also had to endure endless tirades such as "I bet you want to prance around in my pantyhose" and "You probably wish you could be a woman".

How have you all dealt with comments like these (if you have) and have you been able to forgive your SO? Not saying that their harsh words are unforgivable, but how did you find the fortitude to continue forward in the relationship?

Agree that this is abuse. My wife would never and has never spoken like this (to me or anyone).

In general, though, I think it is probably more useful to discuss relationships that are actually currently happening than to speculate about what we might do in someone else’s long ago bad marriage. Nancy

[char GG]

It sounds like this was a past relationship for good reason.

[Heather76]

I simply cannot envision either my wife or myself being nasty, mean, belittling, or rude to the other regardless of the topic. We are neither one wired like that. I can understand the confusion or despair a GG might feel; but, that isn't cause to lash out. It may well be cause to have a serious discussion. It may well be cause to separate and divorce. But, once said, words cannot be taken back. When I went thru a divorce with my 1st wife of 17 years, there was no name calling or hysterical reactions involved. There were questions about why; but, there were no wild accusations, screaming, name calling, etc. Personally, I wouldn't/couldn't remain with someone that verbally assaulted me. I would think that type of treatment would be impossible to forget.

[GaleWarning]

What surprised me when the latest tirade took place, was that the person (still) claims to be supportive. But the endless stream of abuse only ceased when I walked out.
My stuff is now locked away in a suitcase, inside a suitcase. It's too much of a cross to bear.

[Betty70]

Unpleasant comments probably indicate that your wife can't handle the problem she has encountered.
Your cross-dressing has proved too challenging for her, don't blame her.
You would want at least passive acceptance, she might as well expect something from you.
Perhaps some compromise could be reached?

[Dutchess]

What Betty said just now ..
I know many here have lived lives that have not been so rough or had devastating things happen that really changed the courses of their lives .. but as always we are hearing one side .. dont ever forget this .. yeah you shouldn't talk like that but as always we don't know what precipitated it either .. he is only giving his side .. shes not here .

I admit to doing this also .. but I was tired .. so so so tired of catching him with other men, breaking - SHATTERING boundaries etc etc etc .. that I finally just totally lost it . Lost my mind , lost my man , lost my home lost everything and I said that and more .. I was tired of being insulted and humiliated that I wasn't good enough but a male in womens clothes were preferable to me .. it still embarrasses me greatly .. but to hear him tell it .. well he sounded like OP ..
It wasn't the dressing , I promise you that , it was the behavior while doing it that nearly drove me totally insane .

so you never know what went on BEFORE she finally loses her mind . Easy to judge her but you have no clue what went on . I was the one that left as most here know and I am in peace now . I was in horrific torment before .

[Bianca Fay]

I just wanted to add some clarification to my original post... I may not have written it very well. It was not my intention to blame my ex for being angry or using abusive language. I genuinely attemped to preface that sentiment in the first paragraph but I think I failed.

The reason for the post was to ask how others have handled insults and hostility from their SOs - not implying that the SOs didn't have a legitimate right to be angry and upset after (in some cases) being deceived at the onset of the relationship. I just wanted to know how others managed to process the insults while still working at rebuilding trust and a mutually respectful partnership. Please understand - I am not blaming her for being angry. As one of the posters mentioned, there is always 2 sides to the story. I never told her in the beginning that I liked wearing pantyhose (which was the only item I was ever interested in during our time together) and she had experienced many upsetting moments catching me wearing her pantyhose. I repeatedly - and regretfully - violated her trust and her wishes.

I put up with the insults because I deserved them; however I filed for divorce when she started expressing her anger more aggressively (not sure if I'm allowed to be more descriptive in this forum).

Again, I understand her anger and
I accept that what I was doing was wrong. I don't blame her for the insults.

All I was inquiring about with this post was how others managed to keep the peace.

[Di]

A few things.
Glad it’s an ex
Verbal and other abuse is not acceptable
Lastly in a new relationship PLEASE explain it all, be honest , be free from the very beginning- work it all out before living together .
Saves torment on both sides.


ADD
What do you mean you deserved it? You need to accept yourself and I am serious about what I said above be honest getting serious about someone.
Being angry because you kept it from her….ok…..but not when it escalated to how you describe.
Abuse is abuse .
Men or woman and not acceptable.

[Bianca Fay]

Thanks to everyone for your profound replies. None of your words have fallen on deaf ears and I will definitely heed the advice and thoughts that you have all offered.

Di, I specifically wanted to address your comments...

I am now in a very loving relationship with a wonderful woman who I wouldn't hurt for the world. I told her everything within the first 2 weeks. She is completely accepting and supportive. You are so right... being honest and upright from the beginning is the best way to go. Being honest shows that you value your partner's feelings and also gives her an opportunity to decide what is best for her without being blindsided later on. CDs often talk about how hard it is to show their vulnerability and risk rejection, forgetting that it is much, much harder for their mate to deal with when the secret is discovered.

As to your last question, I feel that I deserved her anger (but certainly not the physicality) because I kept doing what she clearly despised. It seemed crazy and disingenuous to her when I tried to explain that I couldn't, and still can't, stop wearing pantyhose. She just couldn't tolerate it and I couldn't stop. It's been said that the definition of insanity is to constantly repeat history and expect a different outcome!

Lastly I just wanted to mention that my ex is a very lovely person with a million beautiful traits. She is a warm, loving person but my actions brought out the worst in her and I know she isn't proud of resorting to... (sounds like violins)... again, just trying to remain within the boundaries of the forum

[SaraLin]

so you never know what went on BEFORE she finally loses her mind . Easy to judge her but you have no clue what went on . I was the one that left as most here know and I am in peace now . I was in horrific torment before .

Dutchess,
I don't see it so much as "judging" her or her partner, as much as a sign that the relationship is over - or at least not worth saving.

If someone is willing to regularly hurl vicious insults at their partner, it seems to me that (as the surveys say, pick all that apply):

Person A has no love or respect left for person B.
Person A is trying to control person B.
Person A enjoys causing pain to person B.
Person A has a VERY nasty sense of humor.
Person B is lashing out in response to something person A did.


I'm sure that there are others that I've missed, but if you look closely enough, they all boil down to a common theme. The mutual love and respect between two partners isn't there. Without that, there's really no relationship left that's worth having.
Now, unless both partners are genuinely willing to put in the work to at least try to rebuild, there's really no point in prolonging the suffering. When insults are so freely thrown around, my personal belief is that it's already too late.



Dutchess, you were right to get out. You were stuck with a truly toxic partner and suffered through a lot more than you should have. That you threw some insults his way isn't a reflection on you. It was just a sign that things were at the point of no return - IMO, the same with the OP.



Bianca Fay,

I picked out this one line from your latest entry:


She just couldn't tolerate it and I couldn't stop

I think that this boils the whole situation to its simplest form. The two of you were incompatible - at least in this one issue.
Neither of you was able to surrender your position, and (it seems) couldn't find a way to accommodate each other's wishes.
So - sad but true, the two of you were doomed from the start. It's just too bad that it had to degrade as far as it did before the split.

I wish you all the best in your current relationship. She sounds like a real keeper.