Early Online Exposure and Experiences

[hibari]

I've been lurking this forum for years now, and only recently created an account to share my experiences and thoughts with everyone. Something I've noticed is that I'm younger than the average poster, and it really helps put into perspective how influential being a kid on the internet helped to shape my love for crossdressing. I wish I knew exactly what sparked it; possibly something I saw on TV, or being a quiet and timid kid with loud and boisterous brothers who saw himself relating to his one older sister or mother. Either way, I felt validated when with just a few mouse clicks I found a whole new world that was exactly how I felt. I even remember stumbling upon this website in the mid-to-late 2000's and combing through endless threads and learning so much.

Like I said, I have a sister who's 4 years older than me and we were basically the same size until I was about 15. Of course I would occasionally "borrow" whatever clothing I could get my hands on and admire myself in the mirror. It may seem a bit creepy with hindsight, and I was caught at least once, but I want to talk more about specific events where things got a bit more involved. I must've been 6 (maybe 5,) and my sister and I were watching the movie Bring It On on cable. She did cheerleading at the time, so she had this idea to dress me up in her outfit as we continued the movie. I didn't really understand it, but I was na?ve and went along. I don't remember anything about the color or wearing any other articles of clothing, but it was a one piece uniform (as it was for kids.) We continued watching the movie, and we would dance around and try to match their routines. My mom eventually discovered us - she wasn't mad but she did make me change. I always had an affinity for my sister's cheer outfits after that.

One of the next big moments happened about a year later. My grandparents' house has a pool and we would often go over to swim. We'd usually keep our swimsuits over there since their house was the only place we'd go swimming, but for some reason mine couldn't be found. Maybe we brought it home and forgot to bring it with us, or it got misplaced in my grandparents' laundry. My mom definitely wasn't going to let me swim in my jeans, that was for sure. While my brothers jumped in the water, my mom, sister, and I looked around for them. After the two of them talked a bit, my mom asked if I wanted to try on some of my sister's bikini bottoms since she had at least 4 or 5 swimsuits at the house. By this point I knew the magnitude of what wearing them meant as a boy, and I tried to feign reluctance - but you bet I really wanted to. My sister took me into the bathroom and presented me with 3 different bottoms. It was a little weird that she was in there with me, but I tried on the first 2 and they were just a little too big and would surely slip off in the water. But that 3rd one was a Goldilocks moment: it fit just right. I don't remember those first 2 bottoms, but that 3rd one is etched into my brain. It was a light blue with red cherries all over, and there were ruffles along the top - definitely the most feminine pair. I was as red as a tomato through all this, and my sister could tell I was flustered a bit and laughed a lot. But that was settled and I spent that day swimming in those bottoms. I definitely wished I could have worn the top, but I knew that was an impossibility. Unfortunately, by the next time we went over we had found my swim trunks :heehee:

Last thing I want to talk about happened when I was 11, and specifically on Halloween. Again, we had gone to my grandparents' neighborhood as it was more affluent and it showed in our candy hauls. It was a school night, so we started trick or treating earlier than usually, and by the time we got through every house it was still relatively early and plenty of people were knocking on doors. My sister joked to me that we should swap costumes and trick the houses into thinking we're new kids and get a double haul. We both laughed at it and made a couple of jokes, but as we walked toward our grandparents' we kind of decided to actually do it. We told our mom and brothers that we were gonna go to my sister's friend's house in the neighborhood and swap candy. So in the spare bedroom my sister and I swapped costumes. Mine was homemade: I was going as a skipper from the Jaws ride at the Universal theme park, so it was a sailors cap, blue shirt, name tag, blue jeans, and sneakers. Hers was store bought and was a pretty generic fairy princess. It comprised of the main piece, which was this pink ruffled strapless leotard with a corset and frilly skirt that went down to my knees. She had some tights as well which I put on, and some ballet shoes that were just a hair too tight but I toughed it out and wore them anyways. She offered to give me her bra to help fill out the costume and prevent the top from slipping, but I was hesitant. She put on what little makeup she could on me - some lipstick, blush - and we snuck out the back. We didn't start till we got around the bend, but we then went house to house and got some more candy. We only did about 70% percent of the neighborhood before we called it a night. We did end up going to my sister's friend's house to swap costumes and try to remove my makeup. While her friend and her friend's mom laughed at our shenanigans, they snapped a picture of us two. I wish I could find it, but it's been MIA for more than a decade now.

Those are just some of the many memories I have crossdressing and loving it as a kid. There are plenty more, and of course my high school years were even more prominent AND public! But those are stories for another day lol. Thank you for indulging me, and I'd love to hear some of your youthful stories! <3

[darla_g]

thanks for sharing that story. i really enjoyed that. Do you ever ttalk to your sister about that experience?

Do you crossdress much these days? in any case Welcome

[hibari]

Every so often we'll bring that Halloween up and reminisce. She helped me a couple times later on like senior switch day at high school, so it definitely wasn't our last outing.

I'm still semi-active, although the rapidness with which my facial hair grows definitely limits it to special events. Conventions roll through my city often and I find myself dressing up as geeky characters, and 9 times out of 10 it involves crossdressing

[Ursula Harrison]

Hello Hibari. As requested some youthful stories - hope they are of interest to you.
Memories of our first times are usually very powerful because of the intense feelings engendered when dressing for the first time. Not to mention the adrenaline pumping from the fear of being caught.
My interest in stockings and garters started really early around age three or four when I saw my mother, while dressing to go out, change into a fresh pair of nylons. The idea of garter belts really piqued my interest - a garment that you would wear solely so that you could wear other garments. That and the fact that they were so different from any item of male clothing.
But that mild interest developed into obsession when I started school. I absolutely fixated on my first teacher's legs and what she wore on them. Taking note of the reinforced heels that peeked out of her court shoes or were completely on display when she wore slingbacks. As well as the little wrinkles that formed at her knees and on her instep.
My obsession developed to the point where I just had to try on a pair myself. I finally got the opportunity at age eight when I sneaked into an aunt's bedroom. I found a drawer in a little chest beside her bed that was full of RHT stockings. I stripped and slid a pair up my legs. They felt amazing against my skin. But of course they kept falling down which was really irritating. So a further search revealed her garter belts. At that age I had to fasten one under my armpits so the clips would hang right at the top of my thighs. As soon as I felt the magical sensation of the garters pulling on my stocking tops I was hooked for life!
In my early teens I was dressing in the foundation wear and stockings of another aunt with whom I used to spend the summer holidays. Now that I was bigger her things fitted me perfectly which made the experience even more enjoyable. Thinking back I can't believe the risks I took as she had four sons and there usually at least one of my cousins in the house at the time. But you know how irresistible those urges are. I was very lucky in another respect which I only appreciated years later. My aunt had gone over to pantyhose years before so the contents of her lingerie drawer were of limited interest to me. But I found some girdles and RHT stockings in the bottom of another drawer buried under some curtain material. I assume they were meant to be thrown out but had been forgotten about. Lucky for me as I was able to enjoy them. Especially lucky as I'm sure that if I had been going into my aunt's lingerie drawer every other day and wearing items that she was still wearing I'd soon have been discovered.
In that stash was a beautiful black girdle with a satin panel and matching longline bra. They fitted me perfectly and I don't think anything I've worn since has given me the pleasure they did when combined with a pair of jet black RHT stockings with lovely wide welts. I remember how good my boyish figure looked in the bathroom mirror thus attired. But only if I positioned myself so my head was cut off in the reflection. Otherwise I was looking at a boy in stockings which was silly and not in line with my fantasies at all.
So that's really how Ursula was born. Out of my desire to create someone who would be feminine enough to "deserve" to wear stockings.
Possibly that makes no sense to anyone but me. But it's (part of) my story, so there you go.

[docrobbysherry]

Cool read, Hibari! As someone who never thot about trying on women's things until age 50 it reminded me of what I missed! :battingeyelashes:

Altho, considering how much more embarrassing and difficult growing up addicted to women's clothes would have been? I don't feel I missed out on anything!:devil:

[alwayshave]

Hobart, Those are great stories. I'm glad you got some assistance from your sister.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I love your stories. Kind of interesting to hear about your early online experiences.

When I was in high school, I tried to do some research on crossdressing.

I'm of the age that my only resource was the local library. I tried using the "Card Catalog" at the library to find some books to read. I didn't get any hits, and was unwilling to ask the librarian for any help using the Card Catalog, for obvious reasons. You're of the age where you probably have to Google "Card Catalog" to even understand my post.

[Genifer Teal]

. While her friend and her friend's mom laughed at our shenanigans, they snapped a picture of us two. I wish I could find it, but it's been MIA for more than a decade now.
<3

This reminds me of a Halloween with my best guy friend from grade school. Later on in high school we went out to a Halloween party and met at his house. I dressed as a woman for one of the first times that I let people see me. His parents took a picture probably the kind you had to develop. A few days later they tried to joke with me saying they brought it over to my house and left it there like in the mailbox or something. I think they thought I would be nervous but instead I was like oh cool thanks! Do you have it here I'd really like to see it did you get two copies do you really want the other one can I have them both? It was funny that I was so excited about the photo and they thought I was going to be nervous and they were joking me. I did eventually get the photo and I may have it but I'm not completely sure where it is right now. They never did leave it at the house for my mom to see and I was somewhat thankful but it wasn't a big concern to me at the time.

[April Rose]

Steffi, I had to laugh (and cry a little) at the card catalog reference. I went through the same thing, with slightly more success. I found two books, after many furtive searches at different libraries. The problem then became working up the courage to check the books out.

If I recall correctly, I think I read one of them sitting in the library, rather that braving the checkout.:straightface:

Love the internet or hate it, it certainly makes this stuff easier.

[Suzie Petersen]

Steffi and April Rose mentioning the library "Card Catalog" brings back memories for me too :-)
I did manage to find a few books on the topic at the local library, but in some ways it was more confusing than helpful since these books described medical conditions such as hormonal disorders that caused a male to develop breasts, or conditions such as Kleinefelter Syndrome or Intersex. The library also had a book about Lily Elbe and one about Christine Jorgensen.
This all left me terribly confused, because I didn't feel like any of this described me, but since there wasn't anything else describing why a boy would sometimes want to dress and pretend to be a girl, I assumed I had to be one of them!

I never had the guts to check out any of these books, or ask for help finding other material, so reading was done at the library by a "grab and go" and then move to a different section of the place.

When personal computers first started to be available, there were Bulletin Boards (BBS) very much like this forum. I found a way to access one via CompuServe (giving away my age here lol) and I was fascinated to learn that there were indeed other categories, including one that seemed to fit me much better. Crossdresser was not yet a term, so it was either Transvestite or Transsexual. I settled for Transvestite although I never cared much for that word.

When the real World Wide Web appeared, the world just completely changed! Now all of a sudden there was information available, and there were live chatrooms with real people talking about this stuff. I spent a lot of time in one particular chatroom and became "one of the regular girls". I think it was called TG Chat or something like that, in the later years it was run by Sarah West from London who became a good friend. I don't even know if it still exists.

So yeah, from early desperate searches in a library to online availability of all this information is definitely a huge improvement. I sometimes think about the potential implication of the old "If I had known then what I know now" and wonder if my path would have been any different. If nothing else, I would have been able to skip the years of thinking I was the only one in the world and there was something horribly wrong with me.

- Suz

[Sandy Clifton]

In the early '90s, I was an avid reader of crossdressing-related newsgroups on Usenet; my attention was rewarded when I bought a
"crossdresser starter kit" (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?236068-Crossdresser-Starter-Kit)
that was offered in a post.

When the WWW became a thing, I bookmarked and visited crossdressing websites; the one I remember most is
Kalina Isato's site (https://web.archive.org/web/20000613234254/http://www.transvamp.com/)
(I bought her how-to publications and also a couple of her used wigs).

Going back to pre-internet days, I never did crossdressing research at the library, but I was REALLY interested in the September 1982 edition of Life Magazine that showed up in our family's mailbox - there was a behind-the-scenes photospread of Dustin Hoffman in Tootsie that fascinated me - if you want to see the photos, google these words:
mary ellen mark tootsie

My feminization urge was obliquely addressed later in 1982 - being too chicken to transform myself, I convinced my younger (10 year-old) brother to assist me in a parody of
this commercial for Tab Cola (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DJL4yQn_7qQ).
I dressed him in a makeshift bikini (I used tape to convert a T-shirt and briefs into a two-piece bathing suit) and filled out the cups with two small Nerf balls, then had him parade in front of our parents. They chuckled, and that was the end of it - I didn't dress him up again, and I didn't experiment with dressing myself until college.

I didn't have access to any girls' clothes while growing up - I had no female siblings, and the idea of raiding my mother's closet would've been taboo, if it had ever entered my mind. Due to some weird quirk of our family tree, though I had plenty of cousins living in town, all of them were boys; my only girl cousins (three of them) lived in Austin. Perhaps that "feminine mystique" was a subconscious factor that drew me to move there?

One last reminiscence from long-ago: when I was a summer camp counselor in high school, there was some kind of contest or art project or something where someone got made into a mummy by having a roll of toilet paper wrapped around them. I was the mummy, standing up while two attractive high school girls wrapped me from toe to head; I pretended not to like it, but I actually enjoyed the process quite a bit. After I was fully-encased, my excitement increased when one of them suggested applying lipstick to my (wrapped) lips, then did so, as I mock-protested. I have only a mental image of what that scene looked like, but it is a fond memory.

[Brianne_bc]

Growing up I felt I was the only person in the world who did this. I felt different and weird and I paid for it as other kids picked up on it and bullied me.
I was 16 when I read a story in Penthouse forum about a crossdresser. Then I knew I wasnt alone. When the internet came on I explored and began to chat in TG Chat where I met some very nice people one of which I still stay in touch with today after 20 or so years.

[michelleddg]

Building on Sandy's recollections, I did indeed make regular trips to the library for a couple of decades to stay current with the Readers Digest Guide to Periodical Literature. Also found Usenet sites pretty early but was strictly a lurker. Best, woah baby, was the stacks at the University of Michigan Library where I was an undergraduate. Funny, most of the books had the pictures torn out, imagine that!

Hugs, Michelle

[CDMargret]

Well that was a fantastic read. Thank you for sharing. I so wish I had and older sister. My kindergarten teacher Mrs. Simenson wore skirts and nylon, low heels and flats. I can remember on time while she was reading to us I couldn't take my eye's off those legs. I hope it's just my imagination but I think I rubbed them one time. Must have been a little creeper back then...lol

[Monique65]

Your story about Halloween brought back a fond memory about the one and only time I dressed in public. I was in my early teens and decided I wanted to dress as a girl and attend a Halloween event in a nearby town. I presented the idea to my mother, who agreed to dress me in my sister’s clothes. She picked out a blouse and skirt and tied a pretty scarf around my head, and off we went. What she didn’t know was I was wearing my sister’s bra and panties as well. She dropped me off, and I spent several glorious hours experiencing the feeling of presenting as a girl. When she picked me up, we didn’t discuss it, and she never mentioned it again.

[NancyJ]

What strikes me about Hibari’s post and so many of these responses is how early so many of us knew we were different and we longed to wear feminine clothes. We also sought affirmation that we were not alone.

[kimdl93]

I have few youthful stories to tell. I vaguely recall trying on my sisters slip briefly at a very early age, and of course discovered pantyhose in my teens. For decades, I treated this part of myself with the usual combination of interest, guilt and shame until the internet and, as others have already said, found out I was not alone.

[Jenn A116]

Well, without revealing a lady's age...I'm old enough to remember the days before the internet. Even before the frontiers of BBS and AOL/Compuserve/Genie. I too started out with the library card catalog.

Remember what was adjacent to Transvestism in the card catalog? Transvaal (the European country). Not even sure where that is, but I sometimes thought about going there. :)

Then I got into Compuserve and the HSX forum. Followed that for a long time, but not sure I ever posted there. Perhaps I did. From compuserve it was a fairly short hop over to the internet and the various search engines (remember alta vista?) for relevant sites. I too remember Tanya Volens web site.

Anyway, I found my way here about 10 years ago and have enjoyed the interactions.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Steffi and April Rose mentioning the library "Card Catalog" brings back memories for me too :-)

I sometimes think about the potential implication of the old "If I had known then what I know now" and wonder if my path would have been any different. If nothing else, I would have been able to skip the years of thinking I was the only one in the world and there was something horribly wrong with me.

- Suz

I had a friend of a friend who "appeared" to be gay (i.e., think "swishy", with a falsetto voice), but as you all know, a more derogatory term was used.

I so wanted not to be gay like him. But, LGBT wasn't a word back then, and my knowledge was limited to the G word. Yeah, I guess I led a very sheltered life. So, I didn't want to label myself with the only label I knew.

I also thought that I was the only boy in the world who liked wearing women's clothes. That was a lot of pressure to put on a kid.

I eventually found this "classic" book, "Everything you always wanted to know about sex, but were afraid to ask." I bought a copy for myself at the bookstore, which has since disappeared. There was also a subsequent movie of the same name, by Woody Allen, I think. Transvestites, as they were called then, were presented as pretty creepy people.

In fact, I can't think of a movie from that times that had any kind of a positive spin on crossdressing, except those that were comedies. Except maybe, for "To Wong Foo."

Thankfully, many people have become more civilized now.

[Jasmine23]

I started when I was about 5, velvet dress I just had to wear ( told story before in one of my first posts), I wish the Internet was around when I was younger ( it was I just didn't have access to it!), growing up now, crossdressers have so much access to a mountain of information and know that they aren't the only ones doing it, they all seem so confident and open about it, kinda jealous that I'm not growing up now. Tbh, there's probably too much information now and it's possibly confusing some people. When I was growing up I might see the odd story in magazines or newspapers about crossdressing, but, they were rare, remember seeing an ad for a crossdressing service and fantasised about going there all th time. The Internet has certainly changed things for the better for crossdressers and the trans community in general

[April Rose]

Thinking of the pre and post internet days for people in the trans spectrum, I have to give a shout out to the porn industry. In the 1970's and 80's I got far more useful information about trans life from porn shops than I did from the library. Yes, a lot of it was exploitative dreck, but it was where you could get Transvestia, Female Mimics and Tapestry Magazines, and other books containing advertising for people and businesses that catered to our interests.

Think what you will about that industry, but they were a standard bearer for freedom of information in the pre-internet days.

If I understand the situation correctly, they were apparently a driver of innovation and development in the early days of the net as well.

[Claire M]

This thread has been an amazing trip down pre-Internet memory lane. Going to the library wasn't a thing for me. I didnt have any word for what I was doing to look up in the card catalog. No way was I going to risk eternal damnation asking Sister Mary Michael for help at my school library and the librarians at the the city library played bridge with my mom.

When I was 12, my oldest brother came home from his first year at college. I spotted a copy of "Everything You Wanted to Know About Sex*" on top of his box of books that I naturally snuck off with. It was the most devastating book I ever read. Back then, being considered a sissy meant you were either on your way if not already a homo (60s vocab), and here I was trying on my sister's underwear??? The sections in "Everything ..." regarding homosexuality, transexuality and crossdressing are the most transphobic, homophobic reinforcement of every ugly stereotype of the day. It took me 45 years to get past that.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Yeah, I agree about memory lane. Just that the memories were not all that good.

But don't forget "Dear Abby". She'd occasionally publish questions about crossdressing and such that were pretty favorable to us.

Plus, more mainstream books and movies were becoming available.

I still remember getting my hands on a copy of "The Second Serve", about a post-op transwoman who was discovered when she joined a women's tennis circuit and played a little bit too well.

[Fiona_44]

I go way, way back before the web. My initial fascination was with woman's lingerie which eventually led to porn mags. I have no idea in which mag I first saw CD's but I was quickly hooked. Fast forward to the present where I am writing this dressed in a bra w/forms, panty and full slip and where I now live the majority of my life as a woman. To quote another Dead song - "What a long, strange trip it's been!"

Fiona

[Monique65]

When we would get the Sears catalog in the mail, the first thing my brothers would look at were toys. I, of course, would turn to the lingerie.

[Ann Simpson]

pre internet days were filled with penthouse forum magazine and their letters.
I too got everything you wanted to know about sex...remember what a splash that made?

In 1988 or so I got a computer then it was AOL chat rooms. the room would be full nobody would be saying anything. LOL.
Now look at us!

[WendyCD]

I was also on AOL chat rooms about crossdressers, Ann Simpson. Maybe we even had a discussion or time or two.

It changed everything for me, not that it all was positive, but it was mostly. As far back as puberty, I was really fascinated and turned me on to women's lingerie and feminine dresses, although prepubertal I had some interest in feminine clothes (androgynous). After I dressed, it was all about self loathing and shame. After the internet, then not only did I understand that I was not THAT unusual AND I could do online orders for women's clothes, shoes, etc. However, I did get in over my head.

I was one of the original posters on this site Anyway, I was confused, was I a CD, TV, TS??? So I purged BIG TIME about 15 years ago. Now I am back, but it is limited... I was buff 20 years ago (very athletic, good for CDs), and people still say I look younger that my age (60+), but that spare tire, damn. I think I am more than a fetishistic CD'er but not about full time CDer nor I am not interested in passing.I just have one or two dresses, one pair of shoes, nylons, bra with homemade breast forms, and panties... Anyway, my testosterone has plummeted a lot, so that libido part of this has lessened.... BUT I have ALWAYS liked about dressing feminine, and I will not completely give it up.

Nice thread.

[Diane P]

Welcome to the forums as a active poster hibari. I'm sure you know that everyone here is very welcoming and helpful. I've only been on here since Oct and have really enjoyed reading threads and replying when I have something I think is useful to say. I don't know if this would have partly shaped my CD'ing or not, but I can vaguely remember being about 5 or 6 and my mother made a Halloween costume for me that was half boy/half girl. Since I have all my parents photos I may post that picture on here if I can find it.

[Brenda Freeman]

Hi hibari,
enjoyed reading about your early experiences hope you post more. when I was about 10 I could not come up with a costume, my mom offered to dress me up as a girl (She had wanted a girl), I asked a couple questions about it but decided not to though secretly I really wanted to. Always have regretted that. I would have loved to see how my mom would have dressed me.

[Ricck]

My parents also had the book you mention, and after the first time I "dressed fully" at age 10 (IOW not fully but enough), I pored over it and found the CD section. I still remember the (probably apocryphal) story about the guy in the business suit who gets into an accident and has a full femme outfit underneath. Also the negative depiction of fetishism. And the awful description of what it's like in a gay club (half of the patrons wear makeup, dontcha know?). That book is garbage.