Question from our GGs

[FAB Forum Mods]

We have a question from some of our GGs

How many CDers wife or girlfriend is on the forum and sees the things said about their partners and relationships.
.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Not my wife.

I treat the forum as a safe space and I trust you girls to spill the beans to her.

Just another example of my compartmentalization if you think positively about it or my duplicity about it if you think negatively. My wife doesn't appreciate that I'm a crossdresser, and many times I do what I need to do to "survive". She has said many times that she doesn't want to see me dressed or participate in my crossdressing.

I've been going out and about mostly with CD/TG friends, but sometimes alone, for 15 years now. My wife knows that I "go out with friends" and tolerates it most of the time. I don't know what would happen to me if I had to stop

[Elizabeth G]

My wife is not but it's by her choice.

[JocelynJames]

Not mine either , not that I didn?t invite her, she?s just not interested.

[Jenn A116]

My wife is not on the forum.

[Suzie Petersen]

My wife is not.

She has made it very clear that any information I feel would help explain why I have this need, she specifically has no interest in reading.

- Suzie

[Crissy 107]

My wife also is not on this site. I did try and get her to join but she had absolutely no interest.

[Sandi Beech]

Not mine. But interestingly the therapist she made me go see with her in 2017 gave my wife a homework assignment to research crossdressing via the internet. This is one of the sites she looked at. I know because I looked up the web cache on our computer. She came to me and said everyone with this problem ends up divorced, and we are not going back to her again. So I am pretty sure she has no desire to look here or anywhere.

Sandi

[Debs]

Not mine, but she knows all the girls I go out with and lets me go to the monthly meeting, she has been a few times, but not recently. She knows Im on here, but doent want to join

[Di]

I think the GGs wondering this think this is how CDs think .
Talking like they hate women…..they are hotter than their wife .
Cheating on their wives…..like it’s because they are a cd ( roll my eyes
Stuff like that and wonder if the way they talk about their partner, relationship don’t they worry about the partner reading it?

To me is is a few that do that and they feel is a place to let off steam, and does not reflect everyone.

[Marsha Louise]

My SO is not a member or regular visitor here (as far as I know!), however I have on several occasions quoted or read aloud passages to her from relevant posts. A brief, sometimes lively, discussion often follows, which is helpful - to both of us.
Overall, I'd say this has given her (and me) a broader understanding of CDing and non-binary behavior, all of which has been beneficial to our relationship.

[Natalie5004]

I have not shared this site with my wife. I personally do not think she would participate.

She is somewhat tolerant of my occasionally showing up as Natalie. I do get a Gee Wiz at times.

On the other hand I ask for advice and she askes me about her fashion choices also.

Married 22 years.

[NancySue]

While my wife is totally accepting and supportive, though invited, she has no interest in the forum.

[NancyJ]

My wife is not on the site. She is aware that I communicate with “people like me” on a forum for crossdressers. I do not think that I ever said anything about her or our relationship that she would not agree with.

[docrobbysherry]

By my count that is ZERO dresser's wives that visit CD.com. But, I've read that some wives have visited in the past. Where r they now?:straightface:

[Celee]

My wife is not. We are in a DADT relationship. She knows but doesn?t really say anything about it. She might have browsed the internet and come across this site but there is no way she knows that Im Celee which is good because this is my go to site when the pink fog hits. When I cant dress this site helps me get through it.

[GaleWarning]

The FAB forum exists and has members. Some of us must have partners, SOs, wives who do join up. Perhaps they simply do not need/want to advertise this fact.
(Or maybe they are unaware? :) )
A very good friend of mine is still a member of the FAB, even though we moved apart several years ago.
She is very supportive.
I gathered from her that the FAB is a very lively place with a lot of discussion about the posts on the open forum, and a very supportive tool in assisting SOs etc understand us.

[Cheryl T]

Mine has been a member since about 2005.
When I first came out to her I had her join so she could read all the questions and replies from everyone. She became a FAB member.
It helped tremendously with her acceptance of my dressing.

[char GG]

When I first came to this site, my husband did not know that I was online here.

I came for research. It felt like a better place than some sites that bash CDers.

That said, there were some alarming posts. I had to separate our situation; and not think all CDers thought and did the same things as those who were worrisome or disturbing.

Now I feel that there are many points that may be good conversational starters for a couple to talk about.

[Tammy P.]

My wife is not on here and I am sometimes glad for that.
I think the mods do a wonderful job of keeping the ugly off or at least down to a minimum but it is here.

If posts are looked at objectively there are some that go to fetish, emotional issues, angry feelings and down right hate. I think most of us can pick and choose what to believe, think or accept because we live with this everyday and know what reflects us and what does not. A wife or girlfriend who is just being exposed to our life choices may be overwhelmed and start to think what if my crossdresser believes this or thinks that way.

If you have a very open and communicative relationship you may address these posts and get a chuckle or at least an answer. I think many spouses would internalize the issues that posts create and not confront her CDer. As time goes the questions may fester and do more harm than good.

[Bea_]

My wife has no interest in seeing anything here in the forum. I've been up front about being on here and she didn't particularly like that I am involved with the conversations. To my knowledge, she hasn't been on her and she doesn't know my online name.

I try to always be aware that she could come on here at any time and possibly figure out that I go by Bea. So, I filter the things I write accordingly. She still wouldn't like some of the things I've written over my time here. She's fairly supportive of my style, but, as far as the online part of it goes, it's DADT.

[Linda Stockings]

I haven't read any post addressing the following thought, so I'll open it, as it was my first thought. I really don't know whether or not my wife is on this forum. She could be here as a visitor, which would be very difficult to trace or verify. Even if she is a member, this forum respects desires for anonymity. Both of us have a certain level of privacy in our online activity, and a certain level of trust is involved. If I penetrated all of her online activities, what would such information provide to me? Wouldn't such penetration into her personal realm violate her personal trust in me? And she could access this forum via other computers that I have no access to. Tracing her activity via the Internet protocol addresses would be very time consuming with few accurate results. I know she already knows about my dressing. She's found most, if not all of my female wardrobe. She hasn't complained except for the space it takes up. That's very generous on her part. She respects my privacy, and doesn't ask to the point of being grotesquely obnoxious. And I don't tell or talk about it to the point of rubbing her face in excrement. We seem to be making that work for now. Our attitudes may change in the future, and we may each be able to work with those changes as they come. I know for a fact I would NOT EVER sacrifice my marriage for my personal rights as a crossdresser. It's a personal values/priorities decision, evaluation, and conclusion. My situation would never be for EVERYONE. We are all different individuals.

Thank you for reading,

Linda

[Charly52]

My partner knows nothing about Charly and hopefully doesn?t know anything about the forum.

[Molly Wells]

My wife works in the public sector and on occasion will speak of an encounter with a trans or cd in her workplace. She does her job in a professional manner but I know when she speaks of it she is not an accepting welcoming person to those who are trans or cd. This is why we are DADT. I keep my cd practices to myself and am extremely careful to keep it hidden. She does not want to talk about and we haven't since the last time I tried about 10yrs ago. I know the possibilities of getting caught or outed are there. In my experience with her over the years if I did slip up she never said anything but just quietly went on with life. Example: a few years ago I washed some panties in our bathroom sink and left to dry over the shower bar. I forgot them when I went to work on the evening shift and she apparently found them. She never said a word, nor did I ever see them again.
So, no, my wife is not on the site and to my knowledge does not know of its existence. We have our own computers and rarely access one another's devices. As well, with our status, I don't think I would want her on the site unless something changed and she became very supportive and involved. I have no animosity about her position as we are individuals and allowed to live our own lives yet remain very close and engaged in all other things.
Molly

[Suzie Petersen]

I think the GGs wondering this think this is how CDs think .
Talking like they hate women?..they are hotter than their wife .
Cheating on their wives?..like it?s because they are a cd ( roll my eyes
Stuff like that and wonder if the way they talk about their partner, relationship don?t they worry about the partner reading it?

To me is is a few that do that and they feel is a place to let off steam, and does not reflect everyone.

Visiting a forum like this, it is important to remember that you will come across people from all walks of life and people who have very different backgrounds and situations from you. There will be opinions here that are totally different from your own, and there will sometimes be posts where all you can do is shake your head.

We often advise new members, and especially the rare GG who comes in for the first time, that "Everybody is different" and that what you read here may or may not apply to you or your SO. For a wife/GF visiting here for the first time, searching for information and support after just having found out about her man being something other than she thought, there are a lot of posts here that could be very disturbing. The good news is that it is very possible that the bad stuff does not apply at all, but the bad news is that it is also possible that some of it does.
At least, this forum is so much "cleaner" and informative than most of what a simple internet search would offer.

If a new GG is able to engage here and ask for advise, then there are some great resources in the FAB and the Loved Ones sections, and even in the open room, but it is very important that everything read is taken with a grain of salt, and that nothing is taken for fact without talking to the SO about the actual situation. It is also very important to know that the SO (the guy) may not himself know the answer to some of the questions!
Even among the regular GG's here who sometimes post in the open room, there are some stories that would be very scary for someone just learning about this, but again, it may or may not apply.

I sometimes cringe when I read posts here, thinking that while a lot of us are on the same general sheet of music, there are some here who I have absolutely nothing in common with. I have sometimes wished that my wife would be willing to read what is talked about here, but there are many times where I am glad that she doesn't since I would constantly have to explain and reinforce why what was said does not relate to me in any way.

As for people who are disrespectful towards their wife and GF here, all I can say is that a lot of men are A.. H...s no matter what clothes they are wearing. Fortunately, as Di said, it is a few and it does not reflect the way most here are. Sometimes in a place like this, the loudest voices are not the ones you really want to be listening to, but it can take a little while to sort it out.
I will never be disrespectful like that to my wife, neither here, to my friends, or to my colleagues. I love her and respect her and I speak nicely of her, also if we do not agree about something.

- Suzie

[Crissy 107]

Suzie, That is an excellent post. Thank you!

[AmeeJo]

My wife is not on here and has no desire to join. She knows about my cross dressing but does not want to see it even though she let me move my wardrobe into our closet. I love her deeply and would never say anything bad about her here or on any other site. Any issues we have with each other are strictly between us and we work it out on our own. There is no need to air our dirty laundry in public.

[Sometimes Steffi]

There are some posts here that don't seem to ring true. The story that they're telling either doesn't make sense in and of itself or it doesn't correspond with previous post that were made.

I keep my keyboard closed on these "fantastical" stories, but our SOs may not be quite so discerning. They might believe everything that they read.

There was also a "train" thread going on recently. SOs might think that their partner is going to the end of the line, when it's clear that many of us would probably get off at one of the other stops. How would an SO process some of these posts.

[AmeeJo]

I hear you Steffi. There are folks on every site that embellish their stories and there are usually signs, as you stated, from previous posts. I just look at those as fictional stories read for entertainment purposes only.

[Dutchess]

Me .. and here I stay ..usually .. hoping that no one has to go down the same road I did .
Someone here asked in public on the forum why I am still here and that's why . It doesn't have to be bad but it can get bad if people don't get a handle on themselves .
I don't want anyone to hurt like me . No one.. and I am not the only one like me in this situation .

[BLUE ORCHID]

My:love:Wife and I Have a very workable DA/TA, Enough Said, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Marcia Blue]

My wife is a member here. She has not been active for years. The FAB forum gave her a lot of support, after I came out to her.

[Aunt Kelly]

An interesting question (more on that below), but my answer is that my wife, who has known about my nature since before we were married, is not a member here. Sometimes, I wish she was, because she might benefit from the insight of other GG partners here.

Then again... The cross section of gender variant individuals here would be enough to scare any spouse or girlfriend who is not completely confident in what they are dealing with. And that observation applies no matter what. I am TS, and I am pretty sure that my wife would not benefit in the least from reading about some of the fetish dressers here. On the other hand, there are at least a few fetish dressers here whose partners are OK with that, but would not be reassured by the presence of people like myself. I'm not judging, not in the least. I'm just observing that the sheer variety here is perhaps more confusing than reassuring.

[JulieC]

My wife is accepting and supportive. She has no interest in forums or social media on the Internet in general, so coming here is not something she cares to do. She knows there's a GG subforum. I do share lots of things that come up here, and if appropriate I share her answers back. She sees me on the forum from time to time. But, she's never had much interest in reading what's on the screen.

[DianeT]

My wife is here and contributes. The FAB section helped her, and hence us, more than I can say.

[Heather76]

My wife is not on the forum. She learned about this forum the first time I received an email on my cell phone to let me know I had a message on the site. She was closest to my phone and asked me what crossdressers.com was. Imagine my surprise. Regardless, I told her it was a support site for crossdressers (both M2F and F2M) and she was welcome to look on it and/or join. I doubt she's ever been here.

[GracieRose]

My wife knows that I visit a site to share experiences and learn from others. If she visits this site, I am not aware of it. As far as my posts, I wouldn't be concerned if she saw any of my comments. I don't believe that I post anything about her or our relationship that would be a surprise to her. I don't believe in talking about someone behind their back.
I do think it would be good for her to use the FAB site where she could discuss things with wives of other crossdressers, but I think she would prefer not to get invested and continue to hope that my cross-dressing would just go away.

[Kitty Sue]

My wife is not here. She has shown no interest in visiting this site either.

[alwayshave]

My wife has visited this forum in the past, but she stated she didn't find it interesting and therefore stopped visiting.

[Jolene Robertson]

My wife used to belong, she was seeking some outside answers and conversation with other wives. She is a very chatty person and quite open minded, it didn't last long but I won't get into that. She did gain some understanding while here and it has helped a lot. We have been married over 25 years and it's a great relationship. I wouldn't trade her for anything.

[SaraLin]

My wife is not at all computer literate. I don't think I've seen her sit down in front of the keyboard for more than a few minutes in the last ten years - and then only with me sitting by her side and guiding her on what to do and how to do it.

So, no - she's not a member and never will be.

But if she decided to have a look around in here, I wouldn't stop her.
It won't happen though. She's very invested in the (partial) DADT arrangement we've worked out.

[Teri Ray]

My wife is a member here on and used to visit on occassion but less frequent these days. I have nothing to hide from her.

[Stevann]

My wife is not here. She knows about my dressing, and asked to see me dressed ONCE. I've told her about this forum, but she had no interest. For the most part we are DADT.

[Monique65]

Like the vast majority of responses, my wife has no interest in my cross dressing or visiting this site. It’s like she knows, but chooses to ignore it. We have a very stable relationship and I see no reason to push the issue.

[DanielleLee]

As is with the majority of responders here... my wife is not a member. She has seen me on this site (open browser, years ago) Although in a DADT environment and I do hide all... I really have nothing to hide from her; and would love to have a more open relationship about it; essentially it's something we could talk about freely, even if she doesn't want to participate. (E.g. respecting her boundaries)

BUT... If she asked me about the site and wanted to join, I'd tell her "Sure, get your 10 posts in and join the FAB section. Avoid the main forum if possible"

[Raychel]

When I was married, My wife knew all about my dressing ect. She also know that I was on the forum very often.
At that time I was on every morning and every evening as well. She had no interest at all in joining the forum.
I suggested that she join a couple of times to maybe answer some of her questions. But she really had no interest at all.

Now I have a very close friend, who also knows about Raychel and the forum, We don't talk about it much.
But if the subject does come up we both can be very open about it. I doubt she would ever join.

[tifftg]

My wife hates my crossdressing and does not belong to this site and I would prefer that she not see all my comments.

[Natalie5004]

I wish more women would see this and help us.

[Brianne_bc]

My wife is not on here, but she is fully supportive of my feminine side.

[NancyJ]

Wondering? What motivated the GGs to ask about this? What conclusions would you (GGs) draw from these answers? What conclusions do the rest of us draw from these answers?

Me? I conclude that most of our wives think (and care) far less about our crossdressing than we do (with some notable exceptions). We are fortunate to have the time and interest from those GGs who choose to contribute. Nancy

[Kelli_cd]

My wife is not on here and I'm okay with that. While i do wish I could be open and honest about my dressing, she isn't interested and gets creeped out about it.
I wouldn't trade her for the world, though.

[DianeT]

Me? I conclude that most of our wives think (and care) far less about our crossdressing than we do (with some notable exceptions). We are fortunate to have the time and interest from those GGs who choose to contribute. Nancy
Nancy, I could be wrong, but from what I read here from GGs so far, I am under the impression that most GGs care a great deal about it, and the exceptions are more those who don't. This may be more true for those couples like mine where the husband hid and lied, but still.
Apart from that, I agree very much with your last sentence.
And find also Kelli's last sentence very touching. Too bad her wife doesn't get a chance to read these lines.

I think also that since this is a public forum there may be a number of wives surfing it without their husband knowing. Googling up "crossdresser forum" comes back with this site in the top results, I myself stumbled on it quite quickly a while back, so.

[GaleWarning]

My very good long-term friend who is still a member of the FAB once told me that lots of tears of sadness and laughter are shed on that forum.

[NancyJ]

Diane, I guess what I meant by ny comment is that I am aware of feelings of gender dysphoria virtually every day, and nearly every day I see feminine clothing that I would like to wear, so I think about crossdressing a lot. Since my wife is quite accustomed to my wearing panties and I rarely wear any other femme clothes around her besides pajamas, I know that she rarely gives my crossdressing any thought. It is a bigger deal to me than it is to her because I have accepted her boundaries.

[Mary Loo]

What an excellent thread. Personally my favorite boards on here are The Loved Ones, The ask a GG, and threads like this! Then again the other 2 boards have far less traffic so maybe I am an anomaly.

So many great responses so far, but I will single out Suzie and Diane’s for being 2 of my favorites.

Now to the poll, my wife is definitely not a member here, but she has visited and read all of my public posts and many of the threads in general, strictly as research and less spying on me, though she did want to see if what I was telling her was consistent with what I was telling the boards. I try to keep my posts a little less personal, though obviously sometimes that is unavoidable short of not posting or replying at all (which is why I don’t respond as much, though I pretty much read a vast majority of posts.)

I have pushed her to join the FAB site because I truly believe she would fit right in and it would help her emotionally a lot and to have an outlet to vent/discuss, BUT she also said she would only be a lurker and not participate (though much like me I think she would gradually find that harder and harder to not chime in).

She did try to join, but said she got immediately rejected. Granted she wants NO part of having to generate 10 posts or answer a phone call, though she certainly understands and appreciates the needs for such measures. I do think she appreciates this board is much better informationally and better administrated than anything else out there.

Who knows what the future will hold, but maybe she will eventually join someday and maybe she won’t ever. That will be her decision.

Again, thanks for a great thread.

[DianeT]

I sometimes cringe when I read posts here, thinking that while a lot of us are on the same general sheet of music, there are some here who I have absolutely nothing in common with. I have sometimes wished that my wife would be willing to read what is talked about here, but there are many times where I am glad that she doesn't since I would constantly have to explain and reinforce why what was said does not relate to me in any way.

So true. My wife read it all and it reinforced many of her fears. Boy, did I have a lot of explaining to do after... telling her that no, I wasn't gay, that I wasn't going to go out, nor going to transition. Three years into the reveal, she should be reassured now by the fact that these assertions hold true, however it's probable that she'll always worry about these things since I kept her in the dark about my dressing for so long and because of that she can't take what I tell her for face value.
To take just one example, this joke that resurfaces every now and then, the difference between a crossdresser and a trans person (the answer : two years). People casually throwing it probably don't realize the amount of damage it can deal when a wife still in shock after a reveal reads it (along with threads making the assertion appear as an established fact).

[Karen RHT]

My wife is far too concerned about the ill someone would think of her for joining such a forum. On top of that, she worries that somehow, someway, someone she knows will find out I'm here and will question her about it. I've encouraged her to sit down and review the various forums with me, but she declines.


Karen

[Lacey New]

My wife probably has no idea that this site exists let alone think that I would be on it

[audreyinalbany]

maybe our wives are less obsessed with crossdressing than we are and simply aren't that interested in going down this particular rabbit hole. For me, I probably check in once a day to see if there's anything new. Although as far as I know my wife isn't on here, if she were she's probably spend a few hours and survey the general tone of the forum and move on. For the record, she's 'tolerant' but not 'accepting' i.e she gets it that I 'm a crossdresser but she not involved and doesn't want to see or participate.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

when I first came out to my wife 12 years ago, she signed up here and used it as a
resort to learn about crossdressers and who and what they are.
I am grateful to many wives and partners who offered her a shoulder to cry on
and shared their experiences with crossdressing partners.
I don't think she has been here for years but it certainly gave her good
advice and support many years ago.

[Deborah2B]

I have been on here off and on for several years. I finally told my wife the truth about my crossdressing. I also told her about this forum. She did join this forum. I hoped it would help her understand this unusual part of her husband. I also hoped that she would find support and guidance through the FAB section, and I think that she has. She supports me in this odd activity and I cherish what I have.

We have been able to talk about this subject more than we ever did. Some of the topics that come up on the MTF group do scare her. We discuss those and other topics. I try to put her mind at ease but sometimes it is hard due to all the hiding and lying that I did in the past. My advice to anyone else dealing with the crossdressing issue is to be truthful about it as soon as possible.

[Brenda Freeman]

My wife is not on here, she is okay with my crossdressing because it makes me happy, (her words) and I respect her desire to not see me to often. We do talk about clothes sometimes so I am in a happy place. Lucky to have her as my besty for life! She actually encourages me to go out with my tgirl friends if I havn't been out for awhile, I meet with them for dinner occasionally, I think she sees the difference when I come home, and I do not really have close friends in my guy life.

[GaleWarning]

I think also that since this is a public forum there may be a number of wives surfing it without their husband knowing. Googling up "crossdresser forum" comes back with this site in the top results, I myself stumbled on it quite quickly a while back, so.

If there are any wives/SOs who do surf these forums without their crossdressers' knowledge, I would encourage them to become members of the FAB. It's a wonderful support system, according to my very good friend, and this seems to be confirmed by other comments on this thread.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

My wife knows about this forum, as I sometimes tell her about things I've read (and posted) here. She even knows my screenname here (she thought that was funny and appropriate!) BUT, she has no interest in spending her time here and doesn't understand why I do. Not in a negative way, she just doesn't think it's a big enough deal to talk about all the time, and she thinks quite a few of the conversations are ludicrous. I doubt that she's ever looked, but who knows? As a happily married man, I do consider what I've written and if she'd be upset about it before I post anything, if the prognosis isn't a good one I delete.

[Mtoffee]

When I first came to this site, my husband did not know that I was online here.

I came for research. It felt like a better place than some sites that bash CDers.

That said, there were some alarming posts. I had to separate our situation; and not think all CDers thought and did the same things as those who were worrisome or disturbing.

Now I feel that there are many points that may be good conversational starters for a couple to talk about.

As a new member I admit I did come here to research and get informed about people in the same situation as me. I have told my wife because I want to be as open as possible in our relationship, so I think it will not be long before she comes to have a visit...... :)

[Maria 60]

My wife is not here but when I'm on this site and at times I walk away she will lurk. I sometimes read some interesting post to her and ask her opinion about it. She is very supportive of this site and believes it is a very respectful place and says its very good and important for me to express myself and also share with others my experiences.

[nancy58]

My wife wants no part of it. Early on, I invited her to meet some of the other wives in my local TG group, and she declined. I wish she would come on this forum and and see how I'm not as unusual as she believes.

[Ricck]

My partner is not here. They're amazingly supportive, but they aren't interested in online conversation.

[Genifer Teal]

I could agree that wives reading posts on their own could easily lead to misinterpretation of their SO. We have A common theme but can be vastly different. I suppose it Could work if everything read led to an in depth discussion on the topic and how it applies to your situation. This won't always happen. Emotions will be high. Thoughts will run wild. Probably not a good idea. Better in small doses together if at all.

[Crissy 107]

Genifer has a good point, we as a group run the whole gamut so a SO coming here to see how her other half is can really be in a quandary when she leaves.
We know that no two of us is the same but our SO’s may not.

[abby054]

Thank you, FAB Forum Mods, for this wake-up call. I should be careful what I write.