Once again into the breach...

[Helen_Highwater]

So I?m doing what I do most years and seeking your views on what I can do to help others wishing to go out perhaps for the first time and fulfil their aims.

For those who don?t know it?s been my practice to offer the chance to anyone who cares to join me the opportunity to meet up in perhaps one of, if not the most, LGBTQ friendly places in the UK, Manchester?s Gay Village.

At it?s essence it works like this. Usually Wednesday of the third week in November (I?ll explain why later) I offer to act as a mentor, a chaperone or just someone to go out and about with, to anyone who wants the chance. In the past those who have never been out before have meet me in a friendly pub for a chat, a bite to eat and a few drinks to pass the evening away. Others I?ve met lunchtime and we?ve been off to the shops for the afternoon before going to the pub for the evening. For the last 2 years I?ve been joined by Debs for the day and with a fair wind she?ll be there again this year.

Look I know family, work, distance can all be barriers to attending something like this but should all the stars aligned, best case scenario, let?s assume this is something you?d be interested in.

So first question is; what if this was to be your first outing, what would be the things that would give you the confidence to come along? Trust me, no-one bats an eyelid in the pubs. You?re in a friendly crowd. No baying mobs here. Worried about your presentation? I?ve seen all shapes and sizes and styles of dress over the years in others who frequent the area. What are those little demons whispering in your ear saying to stop you talking that initial step into the wider world, filling you with dread.

Second question; if instead of attending the Manchester?s gay Village I offered the chance to attend a support group meeting elsewhere and this is where the 3rd week comes in. There?s a group meets on the 3rd Thursday of every month in Prestatyn, North Wales. They meet in a private room in a social club run by a Trans steward. So would that be of greater or lesser appeal as a first night out?

Wigs can be a big thing when it comes to presentation and there?s a salon in Manchester that I?ve used on two occasions and always been treated with the greatest of respect and friendliness. So if that?s something you?d like to do then we can add it to the day?s agenda.

Getting a foundation check? Easy-peasy. Makeup counter staff are our friends. Allow Debs and I to be your guide.

I?ve also decided to expand my offer to cover the entire week so that, as I?m on Helen?s away time in the North Wales area, if anyone wants to meet up for a coffee and a chat, perhaps a bit of shopping then I?ll do what I can to facilitate that. Say a walk around Chester or retail therapy at Cheshire Oaks outlet park.

I do this because I want others to experience the feeling of liberation that just sitting in a pub, enfemme, just chatting away brings. Three years ago I met up with Debs and Lexi. Lexi had never been out before and I met her in the lounge of her hotel at lunch time. We had a quick drink, I?d driven for two hours to get there, and then went a short walk to meet up with Debs. An hour later Lexi was shopping with the best of them in the Trafford centre. That could be you or if you feel that?s a step too far for a first time then the pub it is. Later that evening, sat in a pub, Lexi commented that the three of us sitting there just chatting away felt the most natural thing in the world to be doing, such was the change that the day had brought.

So please, let me have your feelings. I know there?s a few new members from the UK joined this year so I?d be interested in hearing from you as to what your thoughts are on what might be your first steps out and what would as I put it previously, give you that Goldilocks moment were everything was just so and would entice you out to join us in the big wide world. Also, what is it that big road block that stops you even considering going out anywhere let alone an opportunity like this.

Share those roadblocks, your fears, what gives you anxiety? Look, I was once one of those itching to go out but full of fear. It took me a long time to progress as it was before I found this site and the support of so many. I can only look back on wasted years.

It is hard to express the sense of freedom being out brings. I?d love to help others find that so please, give me your wish list, what ingredients need to be added to the mix to make it right for you. Help me help you.

Oh, and keep an eye open for the formal invite in the places to go section.

[kimdl93]

What a lovely gesture!

[Diane P]

Good for you Helen. I bope you get some responses.

[Fiona_44]

That is so nice of you Helen. I hope those who are hesitating to go out in public realize what a wonderful opportunity your offer represents.

[CharlotteCD]

I potentially have work in Manchester going forwards, so I may be tempted. Right now it's just not realistic for cost reasons.

[sara_also]

Exelent !!!

[Debs]

Helen of course I'll be there again this year, wouldnt miss it for the world. Doesnt have to be Manchester though this year, I would love to do Chester for a change, but will go anywhere to accommodate yourself and anyone who wants to venture out with us. Manchester is the better option if its your first time out, plenty of other girls like us about and lots of LGBT friendy pubs and clubs to go in. The shopping trip in the afternoon is always great fun, we have been to the Trafford Centre for the last 2 years, a big shopping mall about 10 miles out of Manchester. Then round the pubs/clubs in the evening.

[bridget thronton]

Wonderful offer - makes me wish I lived in the UK

[Vikky]

Helen offered me the chance of a meeting a while ago, and I appreciate the offer.
Distance is an issue but as we discussed I sometimes take a break in N Wales so its still a possibility and on the bucket list.
Vikky

[alwayshave]

Helen, what a wonderful act of generosity on your part.

[nancy58]

Helen, that's such a sweet offer! If it didn't require trans-Atlantic travel (yes, I will take the pun, even though it wasn't intended), I'd take you up on it. I don't need the encouragement any longer, but it would be nice to get together with like-minded individuals.

[Suzie Petersen]

You are a good person Helen 🤩

[Leslie Mary S]

I too, have made about the same offer over here in the North Alabama area.
I also belong to a group in the of Atlanta, GA area who also offers the same options.
It is hard to get anyone to realize that we are offering them help.
My makeup skills are small but I have a live in Renter/helper who was a Mary Kay sales rep who is willing to help.
I also open my closet to anyone of my size 20-22 and even my size 13 shoes too.
I am also about to do a partial purge because my closet is too small.

[Sandi Beech]

It?s a good idea and offer Helen, Hopefully you will get some takers. I am sure you and Debs could show people how to have a good outing.

Sandi

[Simple pleasures]

Helen this is a lovely offer that would be of interest to me at some point, but don’t know I can do it this year. I’ve been out in my local area (West Midlands), but only for a couple of nighttime walks in a safe area. Being out with support during the day would be exhilarating and I will get to do it.

I will keep an eye out for further information and take a decision at that time.

Thank you for putting this out there.
Paige

It’s a lovely offer to make to build a community.

[Heather76]

Helen, that is an extremely generous offer. I wish there were someone within a reasonable distance of me to meet up with and go out with for the day. I've met one person thru this forum that I've met with. However, we've met in her home area and her agreement with her wife is no CDing in the home area. Nonetheless, we have met twice. I was en femme once. We talked about dressing and a multitude of other common interests and experiences. Maybe some day i can meet her away from home when she is fully en femme. I would like that. Anyway, anyone near to you should take up on your offer.

[Shelly Preston]

Helen,

This is a wonderful offer. I was given the same offer by a friend years ago.

Since getting out there life is just amazing. Manchester can be a fun place, especially when your with someone who knows the area.

[Mermaiden]

What a wonderful offer! And I didn?t know this about Manchester. Nice to know there are good things and people out there.

[BrendaPDX]

Hello Helen,

I had my first en femme meeting set up here on Crossdressers.com, in the "Places to go, Places to meet", I posted my wish to meet someone like minded. I was contacted via "Notifications", "Inbox". I picked the day of the week and general time. We met en femme, my first time ever meeting anyone while fully en femme. After about an hour and a half of chatting she asked me if I wanted to meet a friend of hers that did makeovers, and assured me that she was very nice. It was a very good day.

What can you do? These actions are what helped me the most. Respond or reach out, never share anything about them to others, they will do that if they want. Upon first meeting be respectful, open, and no comments positive or negative, do not rush.

It is because of people like you that I got out of the closet.

Bless you for what you are doing. Brenda

[Helen_Highwater]

Thank you all for your comments regarding the nature of my offer.

That said I'm little the wiser as to what it is that keeps folks from taking up my offer. I guess I know the main ones, those are really based around the logistics. Time, distance I guess are the two main ones.

What would be good is for those itching or even slightly tempted to broaded their horizons but still hovering behind the door to spell out what it is that stops them. What would be the first small thing that they would like to achieve? A drive-through, a walk in a park, a walk on a beach? What is it you see yourself doing to take you over the threshold?

What is it, what are your fears that prevent you stepping forth?

Please share as your concerns are likely to mirror the concerns of others and not only me but others here would have broken through this glass ceiling can hopefully help dispell the myths that those gremlins create and talk about the reality of being an "outandabouter".

[Debbie Denier]

Another great offer Helen . Time and logistics as others have mentioned would be the main problems. Also going away without my non accepting wife would take too much explaining.Confidence is key for most I would imagine. Out of practice and out of clothes in my case. I could get away with more years ago. I have never worn make up but would need somebody who could make a silk purse out of a sows ear.Having been rumbled in the not too distant past fuels my anxiety and guilt.Most CDs appear confidant and outgoing. I am the opposite and do not enjoy being the centre of attention . If I was retired with no daughters at home it would be easier. Oh for an accepting wife or GG to embrace this side of me. I have been out for a walk at night and a drive. That was 38 yrs ago though.

[gillathome]

I did consider going last year, but didn't feel quite up to it. work and weather also made it a bit difficult.
A quiet coffee as an ice-breaker would probably suit me, nothing very adventurous.

[Leslie Mary S]

Helen you mail box is full. I tried to send this to you as a PM.
If I decided to fly to the UK I would need to know how to get to your area. i have been threatening to fly to the UK since the 1970s, that was my only visit to the UK London area. That was for a model train convention. I want to visit, England Scotland, Wales, and Ireland. Maybe even the Isles of Mann. Isle of Mann is where my male first name came from back in 1610. There are seven know of us in our family tree "Lysle", But the roots are either Scottish "O'Shields" or Irish.

[CharlotteCD]

What is it, what are your fears that prevent you stepping forth?

In no particular order:

Travel, because it's a 3hr journey each way.
Lying to my wife about what I would be doing there, because I would need to say it was a work trip.
Leaving my wife alone with our daughter just for a night of being my true self is totally selfish.
Accidents - I have a car accident and all of my femme items are in the car, or I fall on my heels and end up in hospital en femme.
Cost - I'd have to pay for a new wig, because mine isn't going out presentable, plus a hotel.
Social anxiety - I have issues with social anxiety so meeting strangers is always daunting, let alone meeting them dressed.
Being out in the public as somebody who is 6ft5 and has never been passable, particularly from unflattering angles.
Talking to the general public as I don't have a femme voice.
Silly things like having a drink spiked.
Getting my femme items into and out of my car.

This is just 2 minutes of problems, fears and doubt

[Lucy B]

Hi Helen,
So we did discuss this last year.
My issue of course is being in the closet. Getting away for that length of time isn’t t really feasible.
By the way, I have managed to get out myself since we last talked.
I did try and pm you about that but your inbox was full.

I think for me it would need to be a relatively short meet up for a coffee somewhere fairly local to my own area.
I have an opportunity coming up, so may post something myself in the Places to Meet section.

[Giddy]

In no particular order:

Travel, because it's a 3hr journey each way.
Lying to my wife about what I would be doing there, because I would need to say it was a work trip.
Leaving my wife alone with our daughter just for a night of being my true self is totally selfish.
Accidents - I have a car accident and all of my femme items are in the car, or I fall on my heels and end up in hospital en femme.
Cost - I'd have to pay for a new wig, because mine isn't going out presentable, plus a hotel.
Social anxiety - I have issues with social anxiety so meeting strangers is always daunting, let alone meeting them dressed.
Being out in the public as somebody who is 6ft5 and has never been passable, particularly from unflattering angles.
Talking to the general public as I don't have a femme voice.
Silly things like having a drink spiked.
Getting my femme items into and out of my car.

This is just 2 minutes of problems, fears and doubt
Those are my fears too (apart from being 6ft 5).
I?m only 5ft 5in, but im fairly portly.

- - - Updated - - -

I?d love to take advantage of your services, Helen, apart from my fears I posted earlier.
I?ve also found some CD services websites locally - Leeds and Humberside, but another fear I have is being forcibly outed, blackmailed, or robbed by people who might not be offering genuine services.

[Helena]

Giddy, Helen isn't offering a service, this done out of the goodness of her heart, and a genuine offer of help and support, knowing as we all do, how hard it is to get out of the door and explore.

On a side note our group meet in Grantham once a month at a nice trans friendly hotel.

[Helen_Highwater]

In no particular order:

Travel, because it's a 3hr journey each way.
Lying to my wife about what I would be doing there, because I would need to say it was a work trip.
Leaving my wife alone with our daughter just for a night of being my true self is totally selfish.
Accidents - I have a car accident and all of my femme items are in the car, or I fall on my heels and end up in hospital en femme.
Cost - I'd have to pay for a new wig, because mine isn't going out presentable, plus a hotel.
Social anxiety - I have issues with social anxiety so meeting strangers is always daunting, let alone meeting them dressed.
Being out in the public as somebody who is 6ft5 and has never been passable, particularly from unflattering angles.
Talking to the general public as I don't have a femme voice.
Silly things like having a drink spiked.
Getting my femme items into and out of my car.

This is just 2 minutes of problems, fears and doubt


Charlotte,

Thanks for your thoughts. They're ones many of us have battled with over the years, yours truly included.

I knew years ago that the desire to go out was there. I managed the odd night time drive and at the time my wardrobe consisted of things salvaged from the jumble sale bag and let's say the fit wasn't great. Christmas provided a reason to be buying women's clothing, the old it's a present thing and slowly my wardrobe improved. My access to the outside still remained very limited but I'd realised that one of the worst things in life is to get to the end of it and look back and wish "If only".

Bit by bit I became more adventurous until on the pretext, yes a lie, that I wanted to go hill walking but at my pace not following my slower SO up hills, I started going away for a week once a year. To start with I did walk most days and then use darkness to find places I could walk enfemme. Each year the balance shifted and for many years now I'm just enfemme 24/7.

Those fears you elude to slowly get chipped away as you realise that they're a bit like saying I won't go abroad as the plane might crash. Yes it's a possibility but statistically all but negligible.

I can appreciate your issue with height. However a couple of years ago I was sat enfemme in a Manchester LGBTQ friendly pub when in walked this vision in black flowing chiffon, Only just managed to get thought the door without ducking. Tall, slender, graceful, full of confidence a few people turned to quickly admire and then got on with their conversations.

This brings me to why I make this offer every year. Overcoming these fears is daunting. I like many manage to do it on my own but the really big game changer for me was when I first met other from our community. Knowing that others like me actually existed in the real world and not just online and seeing just how much they were able to do gave me renewed vigour to progress further. If I can help others experience just a taste of what many of us now treat as normal, if I can stop someone having that nagging doubt later in life that they've let things slip through their fingers then I'll keep doing this year on year as long as I can.

I can only wish you well on your journey and hope that one day it's a fruitful and rewarding as mine has been for me.

[Giddy]

Giddy, Helen isn't offering a service, this done out of the goodness of her heart, and a genuine offer of help and support, knowing as we all do, how hard it is to get out of the door and explore.

On a side note our group meet in Grantham once a month at a nice trans friendly hotel.
Sorry. I used the wrong word. I meant to say I’d love to take advantage of your kind offer. Perhaps one-day.

On another subject… I’m working away from home for a few days, doing a Linux programming course near Shrewsbury.
Looking forwards to getting “giddy” out of the closet again.

[sammy13]

If I'm in the UK then I will definitely consider joining

[Stephanie47]

To return to Helen's original offer, yes it would be great to have a welcoming hand extended. It would have been nice to have a hand extended decades ago. When my wife and I had "The Talk" it was 1983. I was 36 years old. Once we got past the drama and trauma of discovery she told me it was alright with her if I found a support group. This was before the internet. I searched and found in the back pages of a newspaper the telephone number of a group in Seattle. I called and started to make inquiries. The person I talked to had zero skills in fielding questions and hung up on me. Why even put a number in a newspaper if you're going to hang up on the caller? So, you enter a long period of isolation. It was not until finding and joining this forum that there was any communication with like minded individuals. Now I have to realize there is also a generational divide between me (75) and those around me.

[Grace Kelly]

I been having the urge to venture outside as Grace for the first time. I am tryin to build up the courage to do so. I would love to meet others in my area to hang out with so I can feel more comfortable doing so. That is very nice of you to do this Helen

[EmilyShy]

No promises but I'll look out for updates. Going to take a lot to be out alone with strangers. Great offer/idea though.

[Helen_Highwater]

Emily,

You're not alone in knowing how to make that first step. It's a hurdle that so many of us have faced over the years. One of the reasons I chose to place the meeting where I do is just because it has complete strangers. Folks you're unlikely to ever see again. It also fits in with the safety guidelines regarding meet-ups you'll find at the top of the forum.

One thing i think is worth pointing out is the pubs we've been to over the years are just like any other pub. Folks sat around tables in social groups chatting. While they are LGBTQ friendly it's very difficult for the casual viewer to know that they're not in a pub full of muggles.

I did look at your profile as I tried to PM you but your settings don't allow it but I did read you're open to folks contacting you so if you'd like to get PM's click on "Settings" top right, in "My Settings" select "General" and you'll find the PM settings in there.

As I've now booked my weeks accommodation and hence can now set a firm date, Debs BTW has already booked her hotel for the night, goodness that gurl is keen, I'll be posting in the Places to go section within hopefully the next few days to formally kick off proceedings. PM me if you'd like more info and advice.

[Debs]

Helen its our 3rd year together, I really hope you girls can join us, PS Helen always buys the first round, lol