Looking for advice

[Embarrassed Emily]

Hello everyone. I'm new to this site and fairly new to CD in general.

I was married and during that time my wife and i jokingly painted my nails. I liked it and started to ask her to do it more. We were struggling as a couple, but i trusted her. She loved watching drag shows and I would make comments that I'd let her dress me up like that in a joking way to test the waters.

That got brushed off and the more I asked for nail polish , the more she resisted doing it, So i stopped asking
I did it a few times myself staying hidden from family. One day she saw it through my socks and initially flipped out, but realizing I was very embarrassed, toned it down a bit , but it never happened again between us.

Fast forward months and she left the family because she was cheating . She promised to always keep our secrets, but I know she has told friends and family about this and other things

Since she left I began exploring my CD side and dressing up, all kinds of outfits , shoes, wigs and makeup. Not passable at all but enjoy the feeling

I met a girl online and we hit it off immediately . She is pretty, nice and open minded. Early on we began talking about and CD, all before we met, but she was immediately interested and wanted to explore it all

After dating a few months she told me she told a few friends about some of activites I asked her to not do that as it was personal to me and not something I wanted to share. She agreed and apologized

Fast forward to last week , 7 months in to us dating.

I know I snooped and I addressed that, well aware of what I did wrong.

I looked at her phone and scanned though it back to when we met.

She had screenshot pics I sent her, and had been talking to at least 9 friends , who I haven't met yet, talking about CD and everything else we spoke about.

Except the way she talked to them was a 180 from how she spoke to me. They all joked about me and what I liked, and she even made some comments at my expense. They all did

All of things we talked about, we did. I would dress for her and she always said she loved it and was super supportive and made me feel amazing and welcomed. I never felt insecure or embarrassed. She even bought me clothes and makeup. She treated me amazing in real life but to her friends in text form it was different

I'm not sure which to believe is the real her or what to do next. But I do feel like (and this is the only way I can think that make sense) that if i was gay and hadn't told anyone, that she basically.outed me without my consent.

I've never met these friends but always wanted to
Now I want to crawl under a rock and hide and never meet them

We talked about it all of this and she apologized
But I don't know what to believe anymore..not sure what to do

[Stephanie47]

She would not be the girl for me.

[Sandi Beech]

It is probably a good thing we are not able to read other people?s minds you know.

It is kind of hard to say. She might feel the way she expressed to you, but maybe she wants to be seen by her friends in the way they have always interacted. We can only speculate which is not really helpful. You will have to figure that out by talking to her in subtle ways. Anything confrontational will just spoil things. I would be kind of careful with her, but looking through someones phone is probably a habit to shy away from. She is aware you looked anyhow, and might be more careful about what she texts from now on.

Sandi

[April Rose]

First of all, I am so sorry that this happened to you. I hate to say it, but there are too many trust issues here for the two of you to just work out between yourselves. If you think you want to maintain the relationship, I think some kind of couples counseling is going to be needed. She is telling you she's keeping your secrets and then not doing so. You are finding out by snooping. You are going to need someone, experienced and professional to mediate this and help you set, and keep, ground rules. Otherwise I don't see how this is going to play out in any kind of healthy, positive way for either of you. Or for you in particular.

[jacques]

hello Emily,
it could be that you girlfriend is simply quite happy about your dressing, does not think it is unusual or embarrassing and is totally supportive.
Or she does not respect your privacy and has some nasty friends.
Only you can know that.
stay healthy
luv J

[kimdl93]

Well, you talked about it and she apologized. In some sense you both violated a trust. In her case, she took liberties with your private life by sharing it with others. In your case, you snooped where you were not supposed to be. (Did you tell her that?)

At this point, the best thing is to strive to be honest with one another. If she assures you that she is OK with the things that you share privately, then she needs to also assure you that she is no longer using that private stuff to amuse her friends. (Besides, if I were her friend, I might challenge her that, she must enjoy it to some degree if she keeps doing it. And if I were her friend, I might also advise her to keep her private stuff private.)

Beyond that, a wise person once advised me that what other people thought of me was none of my business. You can hold your head up and let them think whatever they wish.

[MonicaPVD]

Your girlfriend is a bro and clearly does not respect you at all. I have several women acquaintances who are this way. Get far far away from her before her bro-ness manifests itself in ways much more damaging and painful than what you found on her phone.

[char GG]

Well, she should not have violated your trust/privacy. You should not have looked at her phone (trust/privacy again)

[Embarrassed Emily]

First thing I said to her was I known I violated your trust by snooping. And I know I can't change it. I apologized for it. But I admitted it right away and took ownership for it

[Androgynous]

Seven months into seeing someone I would be curious to understand why there are at least 9 friends I have never been introduced to. Are you being kept separate from other parts of her life?

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm usually a frontal assault kind of girl, not very much into flanking maneuvers. So, here's the frontal assault.

Since you like this girl and she may (or may not) like you and your dressing, ask her if you can meet her girlfriends (as a girl). It's one way to tell if she really likes you and is just entertaining her girlfriends at your expense. See what her reaction is.

It's possible, but highly unlikely, that one of her girlfriends is also a CD.

[Fiona_44]

You certainly are better off in judging what's best for you but if that happened to me I would be looking for someone else.

[Sabine Janus]

Run as far away as you can as fast as 6" heels can take you

[Di]

Another GG weighing in.
Although your reading her messages was wrong , you must have felt something was off.
Also after being cheated on in last relationship it is natural until you finally trust again.

I think that was a huge betrayal on her part when she discussed it and why would you not have met these friends?
That’s a lot of people to have told your secret, it is not like you live your life as a woman .
It has to be agreed upon between you both before anyone is told.
I would never trust anyone that would be so deciptful. That would be it for me.
That’s me….. no lies ever I will not tolerate being so disrespected like that .

It’s your call but I would never trust another thing she said.
It’s not like she told one person because she needed someone to talk to but outed you and sent pictures to 9 people. NINE
The stuff she said to her friends are her true feelings, sounds like she is going along to your face but really she doesn’t like it.
There is nothing wrong with cding and it sounds like she would pull the rug under you after marriage.
You do not have to settle, it’s great you were upfront. Remember this if you decide…. well I could stop dressing …..you might for a bit but you will see reading here it will not last and you will dress again.
To me telling nine people is just as bad as cheating. Especially with todays climate. How many with those nine tell and share your picture?
Just my feelings on it .

[Heather76]

I'm in the group that would say "good-bye". I understand you have quote a bit of time invested in this relationship; but, if your most personal secret cannot be honored, what else in your life can you trust her to honor? There are some things for me that are 100% deal breakers. betraying one's trust and lying head the list. But, that's just me.

[Aka_Donna]

Many have commented on violation of privacy, but I don't see any mention of a more important issue.

Questions:
What makes you think the apology is real? Just because you want it to so?

If she says one thing to you something different to close friend, which is her view?

If she has to impress a gang of 9, who you have not met, or heard of, what leads you to believe she will be good for you?

Have you heard of a sociopathic, or manipulative, personality and reviewed their typical patterns of influence?


I just can't imagine a good set of responses to those questions that would lead me to think this would be a beneficial relationship for you. This is NOT about CD, this is about life. What is it about your personality that leads others to believe they can cross your boundaries of acceptable behavior.

Food for thought.....

[docrobbysherry]

I'm shootin' in the dark here. But, u seem to pick women who walk on u. Maybe u like that?:thumbsdn:

U sound insecure. Having checked her phone u found out she lies and makes fun of u, has doing that and confessing improved your relationship? It seems like you're continuing to see her because she validates your dressing. But, does she really? And, if you're satisfied being a closet dresser and don't plan on ever going out dressed, why do u need validation?:straightface:

[CharlotteCD]

Walk away. You can't trust her, you'll never be fully confident that you can trust her.

[Helen_Highwater]

I would argue that she is a victim of societal pressure. Much asshe supports your dressing the pressure to belong to the group pushes her towards whatever the dominant personality of the group says.

The need to belong, the pressure to share, can be the motivator for her actions. She doesn't want to stand out as different from the group. Most of us here have experienced societal pressures both from families friends which is why so many struggle to come out of the closet.

Perhaps if you can ask her why she took the stance she did, if you're able to drill down into her motives, then make her understand that for you both to have a longterm relationship then at some point she's going to have to be supportive of you even if it produces adverse reactions from her peer group. As an immediate interim ask her to stop discussing these matters with her friends.

[alwayshave]

First, welcome to the forum Emily. While I am loathe to give relationship advice, I would leave the relationship. If she had spoken to one friend, I would understand. Nine, that's a true violation of your privacy.

[ChrisP]

She's insecure about her own feelings about your crossdressing, and she uses communication with friends to validate her concerns.
She doesn't strike me as someone who is able to embrace something that is still frowned upon by most of the culture that you live within (and to be fair to her that is how the vast majority of people are).

You deserve better than this, and building a strong, enduring relationship requires someone better than she is.
Your best bet is setting aside time for yourself (outside of being in a relationship) and finding out how crossdressing fits into your life and where you want to go with that.

With that knowledge you can better appreciate what you need in a spouse.
On-line dating apps have their disadvantages but their shining star helpfulness is the ability to put yourself out there to a wide audience that can appreciate
the real you.

If you feel like your current situation has left you swimming in polluted waters (from disclosure of your crossdressing) consider looking for a job someplace you've always wanted to live and starting over. It's a huge step so make sure you have support: work that provides an adequate income, counseling if you need it, and consider joining a support group so that you can share experiences with others.

This doesn't have to be an ordeal. You need to find out the things you enjoy and claim them for your own.

[Connie D50]

Emily
I have a question, did you only find texts 7 months back when you first met? It that is the case and she still wants to date you that might mean she likes you and doesn't care about your dressing.
Connie

[CDMargret]

Well now this is a tuffy. Great advice given here and what to actually do is what you feel is best for your life. Do you woman up and own your dressing. Meeting these friends in dress being proud of your choices and who you are? Do you cut the cord and walk away? Trust is clearly broken. The friends know and will always know. Will most likely ask her in the future about it. Both of you have crossed lines that in most relationships is an end game. Can you grown stronger together after all this? Is she comfortable with allowing you to continue to check on her chats with friends? Most likely not.

I don't want to play moderator in ones life. Although trust is built over time it sounds like both of you have broken that one pretty hard. Building a new relationship requires so many others areas to be built up for a strong foundation of trust and support. Sorry for your dilemma and I hope the best for you. Chatting with everyone here I hope helps you decide what's best for you.

[SaraLin]

Emily,

I've been burned enough times in the past that if it were me, I'd walk away.
"Sorry, but you've proven that I can't trust you. And without trust, we don't have anything to build on."

<side note> I have told my S.O. that if she "needs someone to talk to, she can share my "secret" with a friend(s?) - just to please let me know who.
As far as I know, the thought of anyone finding out still horrifies her to the point that she hasn't said "boo" to anyone.

[Majella St Gerard]

In my experience, what people say behind your back, is how they truly feel. I got nothing wrong with snooping if it's warranted. What you discovered is a major red flag.

[GretchenM]

Welcome to the forum, Emily. As you can see there is no lack of advice and much of it well considered. On the flip side though only you have the personal contact and experience to decide what path to follow.

However, once the trust has been fractured it becomes very hard to recover trust, but it can be done. I agree with the group that says you should exercise great caution. It appears to me that you don't really know each other at the deep level. You should not have searched her phone but what you found was that she was doing things that can be hurtful to you. It is great that she is accepting of your dressing, but the larger question seems to be why is she accepting? It seems to me it may be for purposes other than forming a comfortable relationship.

What should you do? I really can't say because I don't know her side or know her. But it does seem to be a time to be extra cautious. Perhaps it is time to stay away from serious relationships as breaking up from a marriage that ended badly can produce some deep trauma. That can take awhile to heal. But being in a relationship with this new woman where there are secretive things going on seems to me might be adding to your own hurts from the failed marriage, that is, you may be vulnerable to further injury. Unfortunately, it is very difficult for any of us to say what should happen because we don't really know the whole story. But the advice provided here is good in general, although quite variable because we don't know the whole situation.

I think if you are a part of this forum you may find some healing and support which is needed to help you over this period of difficulty. Some here have had similar relationship histories as you have.

[MonicaPVD]

Lots of good insights here. When a person is in a relationship with someone they actually care about, they beam with pride. And they upsell their partner to their friends - even or especially if those friends think the partner is a bad fit, weird, or a loser. What you describe is the exact opposite. A person who, when dealing with her friends, encourages ridicule of you. That's not someone you want to be with. That's someone who sees you as temporary entertainment, until the novelty wears off or something better comes along. Walk away on your owm terms or prepare for the inevitable emotional beating coming your way.

[DaniHanna]

it is very hard to regain trust after it is broken, it will take a lot of open honest conversation to repair

[NancyJ]

Emily, First, welcome to the forum. Sounds like you can use the support.

A couple things: This sounds like a classic ?rebound? relationship. You were starving for a woman who would accept you. Unfortunately, you found one who, like your wife, has betrayed you. She pretended to accept you while colluding with her friends to ridicule you. If she really understood and accepted you, she would have proudly introduced you to her friends long ago. I suspect that your own need for a woman to be with and to (seemingly) accept you has clouded your judgement. Therapists generally recommend 1-2 years of ?singleness? before getting into a new committed relationship. Learn to love and accept yourself first. Heal from the trauma of the ending of the marriage in order to prepare yourself to make a healthy choice.

Run, don?t walk, away. (Just saying) Nancy

[krissy]

Sorry to hear that my ex-wife told all my friends and family i got a divorce lost all my male friends i didnt think i would live after that but i survived.im with my current wife of 43 years she cant stand this part of me but she leaves me alone .you know dadt i hate it but thats life i guess ill always dress just know she may resent you later go to counseling it may help good luck

[Genifer Teal]

I'll start off by saying I'd probably be done with the situation. with that said here's some additional thoughts.
I would expect someone in that situation to tell Others about it. not in a, I am sharing your secret way but more in a help me figure out what To Do, Should I stay with this person kind of way?
I could also be nervous about talking to my friend who may not understand or appreciate it. It could be like a lot of things you're afraid to talk about, like Maybe this person I'm with likes to have sex in public and I'm kind of into that that. may be hard to reveal to your friend. Maybe they're into things that typical people might not know about let alone be into so you would be nervous to bring it up and your friends might have a negative reaction. Your best cover in that situation might be to go along with them and joke about it too.
It's not great behavior I'm not trying to defend it. I'm simply saying you're looking at someone else's words not hearing them say them directly.
We know how nothing online is ever taken out of context maybe you should avoid the potential To Do that here.
I hope you get to the bottom of this.
Without having to reveal how you learned about it. That would be awkward seems like there is a little awkwardness on both sides.
May you manage it well.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Emily :hugs:; Welcome to our Forum, When you are here, You are Home,

What Ever questions that you have, There is A 99.875%chance that one or more of us will have an answer for You,


That Said, Now it's time to Run , Don't walk to the Nearest EXIT, >>>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[ShelbyDawn]

Integrity is doing the right thing when no-one is watching.
I wouldn't trust her. Just my opinion.

Sorry you had to go through that. I know it hurts. Don't give up on yourself, and I would suggest you look into a good therapist knowledgeable ion gender issues.
I credit mine with saving my life, figuratively and literally.

[Jemima Stephens]

Perhaps she is seeing your Crossdressing in a different way?

Perhaps she is coming at it from a Female Led Relationship point of view where she is in charge and you are there to please her. As this kind of relationship progresses the man takes on the role of Sissy Slave to do her bidding and it is quite common for the woman to then ridicule him in front of her peers.

There are some great advantages to being in a female Led Realtionship, but how far you take it is a matter of agreement and consent between you both