First Post

[Jodiee927]

Hi all,

I just joined and am glad to be somewhere that others understand and could offer advice. I have been dressing privately for a while now. An ex found out and wasn't too happy about it years ago. I stopped for years and have always felt kind of shameful about it, but couldn't help how it made me feel.

I'm in a new relationship now and am worried to open that door again in hopes of it making my new girlfriend unhappy as well if she found out. Feel bad keeping things from her too though if I did decide to get back into it. Trying to figure out my next move.

[Kris Burton]

Hello Jodiee - and welcome. Many if not most of us have been in your position, with varying degrees of acceptance and non-acceptance from our SOs. I can say from experience that sneaking and hiding is a very stressful way to go for most. I personally would suggest full disclosure. You are in a good position for that if you are in a new relationship, as your time of deception will have been minimal. For many, the deception is the hardest part for a partner to take, so if you are honest from the start it could work well in both of your favor. If not, then you know that too and you are not encumbered by dishonesty for an indefinite amount of time.
Best of luck going forward - Kris

[Jodiee927]

Thanks Kris,

That's definitely some solid and appreciated advice. I'm pretty certain her reaction will be negative and don't want to ruin things. But obviously hiding things will only make things worse in the long run. Thanks again.

[jacques]

hello Jodiee,
welcome to the Group
Being dishonest about your dressing could well be worse for your relationship than disclosure.
Ask yourself what you wish for as the best outcome and what is the minimum that you can live with. If dressing means a lot to you it would be best to find out sooner rather than later in your new relationship.
luv J

[Jodiee927]

Thanks J

I agree with you, I just have a bad experience with my ex. She was convinced that because I dressed that I was secretly gay. Which for me personally is not the case. No issues with those that are, for me just not the case. I'm pretty certain my new gf would feel similar and might taint things.

But like you said, I need to weigh out what's important to me and go from there. So far seems like a pretty clear consensus if I do choose to embrace that aspect of my life again. Thank you both.

[Diane P]

Jodiee, I don't know how long you CD'ed or long how long it has been since you last Cd'ed. For some of the urge to dress is best described as the 'Pink Fog'. You don't know when or where it will roll in but urge will be there until you can satisfy it. I only started fully dressing last Sep, after my wife passed in Jul. For 20 years prior to that I underdressed. I'm not certain if I wqant to get into another relationship, having been married for 28 years before my wife passed. I think that if, and i do mean if, I do I'll prbably try to figure a way early on to mention CD'ing and see what sort of reaction I get.

Just my two cents worth.

[alwayshave]

Jodiee, Years ago I was in the same place in a new relationship. I came out to my then girlfriend, now wife. I figured it was better to end the relationship before I got in to deep. As it turned out she was accepting. However, it could have gone the other way. But I wasn't going to live a lie.

[Jodiee927]

Thanks to you both. I have never fully CDed, just clothes and it's been more of a fetish up to this point. Mostly lingerie and skimpy things that were enticing to me. Lots of the urges occurred during nights of partying. I have been sober for almost 7 years now and haven't CDed since. It is still on my mind here and there but with hasn't happened.

Idk if anyone else had a similar path or if most dress without the arousal aspect of it. Maybe I'm in the wrong place and if so sorry. Just my experience with all this, which as you can see is pretty limited at that.

[nancy58]

Welcome, Jodiee,

I've been married going on 31 years, and I've been out to myself and my wife for 18 of them. The shame going into that revelation was unbearable, and I count myself lucky that she didn't send me packing. Even so, the best I've been able to negotiate is a don't-ask/don't-tell relationship, so I still feel like I'm sneaking around sometimes, just because she doesn't want to talk about my crossdressing. One of my major regrets in my life has been that I didn't tell her early in the relationship, before we were thinking of marriage, so that we could have gone our separate ways, if need be, with less trouble and pain than dissolving a marriage would involve. Even now, I would rather be single than have to hide everything from my wife.

I guess one way to look at it is, if your gal has some big secret in her past and/or present, when would you want to know about it? I wish you the best, however it goes.

[JulieC]

Jodiee, you're not in the wrong place. You're trying to figure yourself out. We all are, even if we've accepted that we crossdress. Accepting this in ourself is a hard enough struggle. What it means, how it's done, what it satisfies, what you wear, how you wear, around who you wear, all of it continues to be a work in progress for many of us. In an abstract sense, you're no different.

That you are here, after 7 years of not crossdressing, is interesting in itself.

I too had a very hard time telling people I was dating. Eventually, I started to tell girlfriends. The first one I told, like yours, thought I was gay. Similarly, I've no problem with anyone else's sexuality. That's their business. I'm just not gay. After I eventually convinced her, she was a lot more accepting. We broke up for unrelated reasons, but she was ok with my crossdressing. The next girlfriend was most decidedly not accepting. We didn't break up about it, but I suffered a lot of criticism from her about it. As before, we broke up but for unrelated reasons. But, it taught me that I couldn't be with someone who didn't accept at least enough for me to be able to crossdress as I felt I needed to. I told my (now) wife after we'd been dating for a couple of months. I told myself I'd accept her running for the hills if that was going to be the case, but I wasn't going to stay in the relationship if she was unaccepting. She took it in stride, and bought me some pantyhose a couple of days later. There's been some bumps along the way, but in the 20+ years we've been together, it's worked out. I tell you this while fully dressed in a skirt, blouse, bra, breast forms, heels and pantyhose while my wife is upstairs knowing full well I am crossdressed. It can and does work.

It can be very hard telling someone. You risk losing them and being alone. But, if you don't tell, you put yourself into a forever stress if the relationship continues on for years and years. Will she ever find out? What will happen if she does? (If you have kids) What happens with the kids? Too much stress. I don't recommend it. Tell early.

We are here for you. Feel free to express yourself, ask questions, tell us more, etc.

[Jodiee927]

Thank you all for welcoming me so warmly. I've never been to a place where I could discuss any of this with anyone. It has always just been a secret that I have felt guilty about for quite some time.

Especially you, JulieC. Your kind words and story has touched me and made me feel less alone. I guess it started back when I was younger and for some reason I can't recall I tried on some of my mothers things. She was more conservative so nothing too skimpy. But once I got my first girlfriend was when I first experienced more that made me feel sexy. From there it went on and eventually I started ordering things online for myself.

Once my ex found out it was always a don't speak about it thing. I got rid of all my stuff, I thought, until I found an old thong a couple weeks ago.

My living situation doesn't really make it possible to dress, but it's still on my mind and curious as to what I will decide to do once I move. I didn't get rid of that thong either, so that must say something in itself.

[Crissy 107]

Jodiee, You have found the right place to be. This is part of who you are and it is not going away. You can suppress it for a while, I did for a long time, but it always comes back.
I feel the sooner the better you tell her and you may even be surprised by her attitude. Good luck!

[Diane P]

Jodiee, you'll find that this is a very warm and welcoming group. I only joined last Oct but already feel like this home.

[Jodiee927]

Thank you all. I really appreciate you taking the time to respond and make me feel welcome. Like I said I've never openly discussed this with anyone before. Although online, I still feel the connection and relief from not having to keep this to myself. Seeing so many people with similar situations/interests is a wonderful new feeling.

Are there ways to connect on here more of a one on one conversation or no? Regardless thank you all.

[char GG]

The longer you are here, you will find that GG's tend to be angrier and more hurt over the deception/secrecy than the news itself. Of course, not knowing you or your friend, we can't give specific advice to YOU.

Just remember, if the tables were turned, and she withheld an important secret from you, how would you feel? If you already withheld information from your ex, are you just repeating a past (for lack of a better word) mistake? Only you know.


Are there ways to connect on here more of a one on one conversation or no?

After you have 10 posts, more sections of the forum will open up to you including the ability to personal message others here.

Also included are some rules to help you navigate the forum.https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/faq.php

[Aunt Kelly]

Hi all,

I just joined and am glad to be somewhere that others understand and could offer advice. I have been dressing privately for a while now. An ex found out and wasn't too happy about it years ago. I stopped for years and have always felt kind of shameful about it, but couldn't help how it made me feel.

I'm in a new relationship now and am worried to open that door again in hopes of it making my new girlfriend unhappy as well if she found out. Feel bad keeping things from her too though if I did decide to get back into it. Trying to figure out my next move.

Hi, Jodiee, and welcome to the community. If you value the relationship, now is the time to share this part of yourself. If the relationship has a future, she will accept you for who you are. The longer you carry on the deception, the less likely that acceptance will be forthcoming.
Yes, I know that sounds almost glib. Just accepting yourself can be a big lift, but the sooner you do that, the sooner you will be able to ask another to so.

[Jodiee927]

Thanks everyone. I'm pretty sure I got the answer I needed and more than likely already knew. It's just good to hear it from others when it's easy to ignore your own advice. Appreciate all your input.

[Debs]

Jodie, I have been a dressing for over 40 years, Ive been through every senerio you can ever imagine, when I met my now wife 20 years ago, I told here on our 2nd date, because hiding it in my past relationships was a disaster, now just because I told my now wife on my 2nd date dont think that it all ended up rosey, over 20 years we went through a lot from total acceptance in the begining to DADT (Dont Ask Dont Tell) and never speaking about and never be seen dressed. Now this is where the talking a lot and taking into concideration my wifes feelings and needs, we finally came up with some rules which YOU MUST NOT BREAK. I'm now totally accepted by my wife can dress around the house even go out and stay out overnight with my girlfriends (other cd's), but I do have rules. but to get to this place in time has taken a lot of work. So yes Im living the dream now, but guess Im one of the very lucky ones that found that golden ticket. PS the urge will never totally go away, so you live with it hidden all your life, or you tell and seek some sort of acceptance, I would chose the second choice it easier, also dont forget this is my opinion and you will have to come to your own decisions

[bridget thronton]

Welcome to the community - char GG has words of wisdom, hiding and secrets are sometimes more hurtful than dressing

[Jodiee927]

Thanks Debs, Bridget and others

I agree with everything you all are saying. I guess when I said new, I still meant a lil under a year. I've never fully dressed and it was more of an arousal thing. It's been so long that I might try and keep it as a here and there thing or something. After reading some of the loved ones passages I have a lot of thinking to do. You have all helped tremendously and I look forward to getting more insights and experiences from you all.

[Gi Gondin]

Welcome Jodie. That is a lot of good advice in this thread.
My only addition is - fully accept who you are before looking for someone’s acceptance.
It will be harder to share and to talk about with your girlfriend or whoever you want to share if you haven’t looked well into what really crossdressing means to you!

Good luck and enjoy this great forum!

[mbmeen12]

Want vs need Jodie....you want to dress or you need too? A want is to put it aside because of relationship. Obviously a need then lay the cards on the table to SO and seek counseling/ local support group.

[Connie D50]

Hi Jodiee
Welcome you should get great advice here, your story is like so many here (self included). So my two cents tell her now, if your like a lot of us you won't stop.
Connie

[Jodiee927]

I guess I'd say its more of a want at this point. And Gi Gondin, your advice of acceptance is a good point to ponder as well. I don't think I'm 100% there with acceptance, besides it feels good. I'm trying to get there.

[Karren H]

I really can not add anything except be prepared for all possible outcomes of full disclosure, so welcome to the club!

[Angela Marie]

Welcome. This is a wonderful group. My wife is accepting to a point which is fine and at first I just considered it crossdressing; however it was definitely more than that. I am seeing a great therapist now and it?s obvious that I?m clearly on the female spectrum. If I had been honest with myself I would have started years ago. For whatever it?s worth my two cents.

[kimdl93]

Based on my own results, I am the last person that should be offering advice. I would observe is that hiding is difficult and physical will likely be discovered at some point. Coming out in increments can be a bit like water torture for your SO. Even if you come out based on your present understanding of your cross dressing, it can change and become more involved over time. And remember that if tolerance is not the same as acceptance.

[docrobbysherry]

When I arrived here those masny years ago I was LOADED DOWN with them!:doh:|

I would dress, do my business, then strip everything off as soon as possible!:sad:

But, after 2 years here of people explaining I wasn't doing anything wrong or hurting anyone? I got over those self defeating curses. Which freed Sherry to go on to record breaking heights!:devil:

[April Rose]

There is a lot of good advice here. One thing to consider is that, in telling her, you will also be finding out about her. How she handles your intimate secret will go a long way to revealing her true character as well. You will have a better insight into how deeply you want to be invested in this relationship as well.

[Jodiee927]

Thanks everyone, you have all been very helpful and given me some good tips to think about. Your warm welcome and reaching out really does mean a lot to me. Looking forward to hearing more of your stories and input.

[CDMargret]

Welcome to the group. Great advice here. Throw them cards on the table and hope you have a winning hand. Gotta be true to your self and with an accepting partner life is amazing.