Really, no one cares

[StephanieLake]

I had to make a turn around trip from LA to Denver today to pick up the grandkids for a week visit. The trip required me to spend 5 hours roaming concourse A at DIA. I decided to wear a t-shirt and a skirt. As I've stated before, I haven't started wearing make up and wigs yet, so I was just a man in a skirt. I put the skirt on as soon as I left the house, so all told I was dressed for about 9 hours. I had to switch to shorts before my son and grandkids arrived for the return flight

After going through security, a 2.5 hour flight, and 5 hours sitting in/roaming the airport, I have come to the conclusion that no one cares. Really. I did get a couple of double takes, but other than that, nothing. This trip has really boosted my confidence in going out dressed. I have to do the same trip in a week, this time with a layover in Salt Lake, will be changing in to a skirt again for the return flight. Now if I can get the nerve to wear my forms on that one....

[JohnH]

I wear dresses in public all the time with the hot weather in the Dallas-Fort Worth area, even to church.
And guess what? NOBODY CARES.

[Steph_CD_62]

I am beginning to believe you are correct as long as you dress to blend, no one cares on what a person wears. I used to fear what other people might think, but that fear is slowly going away for me.

[docrobbysherry]

No, U don't care, Steph. The "double takes", snickers, disapproving glares, and nervous SA's r the reasons I don't go out to vanilla venues dressed.:sad:

I don't need or want to become a spectacle when I'm out shopping, grabbing a bite, or on some other personal errand.:eek:

But then again, I'm only a CD!:heehee:

[GretchenM]

Generally that is true. And here in Denver that is definitely true most everywhere, although a big, international airport like DIA is hardly representative of Denver or any attached city. But it would be a good place to get your sea legs with dressing. A real confidence builder. But parking at DIA is almost always difficult to find and expensive.

Doc, I think you may be too self conscious. What does it matter if some one snickers or frowns. That is not our problem; that is their problem with being intolerant of diversity. If you dress to blend those things are not a problem.

[MonicaPVD]

No, U don't care, Steph. The "double takes", snickers, disapproving glares, and nervous SA's r the reasons I don't go out to vanilla venues dressed.:sad:

I'm sure you have your reasons to avoid going out and that's fine. What I found was that those individuals you describe are actually few and far between. The vast majority of people simply do not care. They are consumed with their own unfolding drama. What's more, once you have gained a moderate degree of confidence they become invisible, fading into the background noise.

[Sandi Beech]

Because most CDs dress to blend when out and about, it is assumed no one cares specifically because they dressed to blend. That is not it. Many of you would get angina if wearing some of the things I have worn in public. It made no difference how people reacted. None. I am not saying dressing to blend is the wrong thing to do by any means. It is just a false assumption to think that is why no one complained. The more public a place is, the less likely it would bother someone. An airport is one of those places. People are more concerned with their own travel plans than anything else in an airport.

Sandi

[Girl]

I think you're right, people don't care.
There's a difference between notice and care. Sure, some people notice and look but they don't really care. I get a few looks but virtually no-one ever says anything. They just get on with their lives and leave me to get on with mine.
When I first started dressing permanently, I was so incredibly nervous but I'm really glad that I persevered because I just want to be me and if I don't do it in this life, I won't get a second chance. As the well-known cliche says, "life is not a dress-rehearsal!"

[Gillian Gigs]

As our North American culture gets more inward focused, people tend to get less observant regarding anything out side of their sphere of life. Fritz Perls talked about something similar in the 60's and early 70's. "You do your thing and I will do my thing, and if they come together, then it is fine. Keep your CD'ing to yourself and everything will be okay, is the mode regarding many things today. They just don't want anyone in their face about what they are doing.

[JulieC]

I think Sandi is right. Ok, dressing to blend is good advice if you want to reduce the number of people who realize you are crossdressed. But, dressing to blend isn't going to stop people noticing you, or reacting to you. People DO react. Generally speaking you won't notice them react if you are ignoring people and going about your business. If you are interacting with them and they react, obviously that's a different story. But, unless you are really passable, then people you interact with are going to know you are crossdressing whether you are dressing to blend or not.

Whether you dress to blend or not, it's context that matters. If you go crossdressed into a seedy neighborhood bar, you're inviting violence and there won't be anyone to help you. If you go crossdressed into a major airport, crawling with security, you'll very likely have zero problems. The amount of people who react very strongly against you is potentially high, but the number of people willing to actually act on it because they'll be instantly arrested is virtually zero.

[alwayshave]

I was out last night. I had to walk from my hotel to the venue where the meetup was occurring. I was wearing a summer dress, not exactly the leggings or skirts the women were wearing in this neighborhood. I certainly got some looks. May some have snickered, perhaps, didn't hear. The thing is I really don't care.

[docrobbysherry]

-----------------------------------------
Doc, I think you may be too self conscious. What does it matter if some one snickers or frowns. That is not our problem; that is their problem with being intolerant of diversity. If you dress to blend those things are not a problem.
I'm disappointed, Gretchen. I thot u of all people would understand the difference between T's and CD's?

Yes, I am self conscious. Which is why me and many of my CD friends would rather clean toilets than dress to blend!:doh:

I'm old and binary. So, I want to see a pretty woman in my mirror. There's no point in some of us dressing if we have to see a frumpy, androgenous, ambiguous thing in our mirror!:eek:

CD's r not all like T's who r compelled to dress as often as possible. Or r satisfied just wearing an article or 2 of women's clothing or underdressing. When u r compelled to dress to the 9's or not at all like I am, u can't and don't want to do that every day!:battingeyelashes:

[Angela Marie]

I went out for the first time dressed sans a wig and makeup. Leggings, nice top, and flats. I?m sure I got some odd looks but I didn?t notice.

[Girl]

Whether you dress to blend or not, it's context that matters. If you go crossdressed into a seedy neighborhood bar, you're inviting violence and there won't be anyone to help you. If you go crossdressed into a major airport, crawling with security, you'll very likely have zero problems. The amount of people who react very strongly against you is potentially high, but the number of people willing to actually act on it because they'll be instantly arrested is virtually zero.

I completely agree with you, Julie. There are definitely places that I wouldn't feel safe going to now. Most of them, though, are places I wouldn't have gone to when I dressed as a male, even if I would probably have been safe there. So, I'm a bit restricted in the places I can go to but nowhere near as much as I thought I would be. I feel very safe in stores, on trains and planes, at airports, in the area where I live, at work, at restaurants etc.
Of course, there are people who notice and some people who stare and very occasionally, one or two people who say something - but not always something negative, there are positive comments too. However, as long as they're not being violent towards me, I don't care any more whether they look or stare. Life's too short.
Physical safety is so important and you are so right that there are places, unfortunately, where it just wouldn't be safe to go. I always try to be sensible and safe when I'm moving around locations in my daily life and I would give that advice to anyone who asked, although I'm sure you all know that already. :)

[TheHiddenMe]

I agree with the OP that no one cares.

I do have some comments on the opinions expressed here.


Because most CDs dress to blend when out and about, it is assumed no one cares specifically because they dressed to blend.

No one knows how most CDs dress, and to assume they dress to blend is false, IMO. They dress how they want to dress, because they bought the clothes and decided to wear them out.

I did a thread on this board and most of the responses were people rarely see a trans person out in public, so none of us know how they dress.


I'm disappointed, Gretchen. I thot u of all people would understand the difference between T's and CD's?

<snip>

CD's r not all like T's who r compelled to dress as often as possible.



I think most of us know the difference between cross dressers and those farther on the trans spectrum, but it's not the clothing that is the difference.

In addition, if you see a trans person out in public, NONE OF US know whether the person is a CD, or someone who has transitioned. We don't wear a scarlet C or T or any other letter.

Personally, I don't understand the idea why people feel scared if they dress and go out. People are more accepting than ever of LGBT people. I've been out over 500 times, and never have I felt unsafe.

[MonicaPVD]

I think a point many of us miss is that women, born cis women, are constantly being stared at, oogled, objectified, and judged based entirely on looks. So, there is a very good chance that when we go out and someone stares at us and maybe even makes a comment, it's not because they clocked us - it's because they are jerks who do the same exact thing to female humans. This is why it doesn't matter. This is why I don't worry about it. Ever.

[StephanieLake]

I agree with most everyone's comments here. The main reason I posted this was to reinforce what most have said. We get nervous and psych ourselves up when we think about going out dressed, either full en femme or as a MAID. The bottom line is, dress how you like, but do it in safe places, go out and enjoy being you. Most will not say a thing.

[Jenn A116]

I was at a GNO with about 20 members/so's of my local CD group Saturday night. We were in a large, crowded restaurant where we were all seated at a long table. There were other diners all around us. I didn't notice any particular stares or other expressions that our presence was bothering anybody.

[Natalie5004]

I will add one more statement. You have every right to be out and about so stand tall and be true to yourself.

[kimdl93]

I cannot read minds, so I really do not know what any person in particular might be thinking when I encounter them. It is very rare to even elicit a second look. People mostly go about and mind their own business, just as I do. I agree that it is our right to be here.

[Stephanie47]

Each of us should operate within her own personal comfort zone. Yes, there is always the chance a woman will encounter a jerk or group of jerks or be outed to neighbors, family and friends, and that falls within a legitimate concern. Just remember, you and you alone, will bear the consequences of your actions.

[Sara Marshall]

Not that most crossdressers want to get noticed, but sometimes getting noticed is not a bad thing at all. My wife loves to spot cd/ts and point them out to me. Usually followed by a statement close to yours such as? She looks great and look no one cares?. Even if people do spot you I think most of them are just intrigued and only a small number have a problem and like Monica said that is their problem.

[audreyinalbany]

well I've said it before: do they 'care"? Probably not. Do they notice? Probably. It's not unlike the (young) men I see wearing their pants down around their thighs. I notice and I think it's kind of an odd way to dress. But do I 'care"? Nope

[sometimes_miss]

Absolutely. No one cares about alternative lifestyles. That's why Bud Light's sales plummeted when ONE trans person became part of their advertising. Everyone loves her, I'm sure, and would happily buy her a beer, and toast diversity. In the meantime, there are plenty of videos out there about hateful people destroying Bud light merchandise with guns, yelling about how they won't ever buy it again; because they love diversity so much?
Right. Let's all pretend that we live in a utopia, and that none of them would ever, ever consider harming anyone, or anything, because they didn't like what it represented.
Okay then. Play the odds. Just please, please maintain your situational awareness, and always have an escape route should things wind up unexpectedly dangerous. We don't need to add to the already 14 or so dead LGBTQ people who have been killed already this year, just because of what they were.
Perhaps read this before you go out 'blended'. People are aware, just because they don't say anything, doesn't mean they like you.
https://www.hrc.org/resources/fatal-violence-against-the-transgender-and-nonbinary-community-in-2023

[Debbie Denier]

Some do some don?t. Ignorance and prejudice walk hand in hand.

[Debs]

Ive never had any trouble in the uk (North west) in over 20 years, and I go out regular, I even been out with a certain person on her a few times, and weve been out shopping during the day and pubs in the evening, an never ever encountered a negative response from any of the public. I think attitude counts for a lot, if your like a scared rabbit caught in the headlights, now that attracts attenton, if you just go about your own business and intract with the general public when required, its not a problem.

[Jessica G.]

How I would love to be able to get the confidence to go out in public and blend in. You would think it would be easy as I don't live to far from Palm Springs, which would be the easiest way to go out and try to express myself in my feminine attire.
I can tell myself at times, who cares what others think, but its easier said then done.
I do from time to time ride in the car with my wife dressed up and we will ride around town or to go through a drive thru.
When I go over to some of my accepting friends houses to have dinner I have went as Jessica, same when they come over to my place. But the general public I don't know....
One thing that I have against me is the fact that I am 6'5 and pretty slender still. Not many women are tall, so I would stand out.
Another thing is the fact that I have a lot of family in the valley. Many of my cousins do concerts at local casinos and other locations. Though I feel the best way would be to go out of the area where I would never have to worry about running into family or one of the 700 tenants that I rent to where I work.

I hope to get the courage one day and maybe it wont be as bad as I think it will be?

[Krisi]

If you think nobody cares, you are fooling yourself. Most people aren't going to make comments to your face, but they do notice and they do form an opinion of you. When they get home or to work, they will tell people that they saw a weirdo man wearing women's clothes. They might secretly take your photo and post it on Facebook.

Yes, you have the right to wear whatever you want, but you have to be willing to accept the consequences.

[Krea]

Stephanie, i reckon you are right. :thumbsup: Despite the efforts of transphobes to stir up hatred, society is slowly changing and CD/TG people generally seem to be more accepted, or at the very least tolerated, these days.

Krisi: Yes, if you are worried about being outed then it is a significant risk. Otherwise, what does it matter what people think? As long as they don't become aggressive/violent then it's not really a concern.
If people have nothing better to do do than gossip about CDers or secretly photograph them, then they are the ones with the problems....

[jjjjohanne]

I have been going out in public occasionally as a man in a dress/skirt. I am not interested in being "more" feminine than that. I'm just a dude.
I live in the southern part of the United States where conservatism (morally and/or politically) is supposedly more common.
I have observed society's reactions change from years ago when people would whisper to their friends and hide a laugh, to people taking a look and moving on.
Teenagers used to try to whip out a phone and get a picture. I don't see that any longer. Teenagers are no more likely to pull out a phone than an adult. It is rare that I see it.
I have observed people go from having "oh, that's unfortunate" conversations about LGBT things in the old days to now where there is a LOT more hate in their rhetoric. But never when a crossdresser is around.
Most people (whom I assume are never around people like us) seem to feel awkward, not knowing what to say/do. If I speak first and say, "Good Morning." or something normal like that, they respond appropriately. I think it is similar to how one would react to meeting a handicapped person or a person with significant scars or facial tattoos. "What do I say/do? Where do I look?"

At first, I would go to remote, unpopulated places to crossdress in public. For example, take a walk around a park at night. In an effort to be "safe" I did some rather risky things -- risky no matter how I was dressed. I also went to clothing stores. I was always alone.
I found it very fulfilling once I was able to do things that I would do as a guy, but while dressed pretty: Christmas shopping, air travel, eat lunch, grocery shopping, and go to church. I think my favorite activity has been going grocery shopping. You see the same people again and again for 30 minutes. Eventually, they stop feeling awkward and they might even talk to you occasionally. It's nice. I think that the grocery store is nice because it is very common for someone to be alone.

Going to church was pretty good, because while I am there, I think I could create relationships with people. I have gone to church maybe five times. I have gone to a liberal church and a very conservative church. I have gone to Seventh Day Adventist churches a few times because they meet when I don't have a scheduled church service at my normal (men's clothes only) church. Church doesn't rank up there with the Grocery store because I think I still feel like I might be unwelcome, so I am apprehensive. So far, however, no one has made me feel unwelcome. In fact, at the very conservative church, I was made to feel the most welcome.

Do people care? I don't even know what that means.
Are people decent? Yes.

Caveat: I don't go to biker bars, places with children, Trump rallies, Florida, or anywhere else that might have an unpleasant outcome if I showed up. (OK, I went to Florida once.)

[celine.crossdresser]

I couldn?t agree more! People are so self centered and lost in their own mobile phones that simply don?t look around to see the world with their own eyes. In my experience, and I?ve been going out in full girl mode for the last 2 years, I can count in one hand how many times someone stared me with a puzzled face. And I live in a very conservative country!

[Sometimes Steffi]

How I would love to be able to get the confidence to go out in public and blend in. You would think it would be easy as I don't live to far from Palm Springs, which would be the easiest way to go out and try to express myself in my feminine attire.

I can tell myself at times, who cares what others think, but its easier said then done.
e day and maybe it wont be as bad as I think it will be?

I kind of think it's like going for a swim, especially when the water is cold.

One way is to dip your toes in, and then walk in up to your ankles. Step by step, inch by inch, you get deeper and deeper and acclimate to the water as you go.

Another way is to take a running start and run into the water. Once you get to mid thigh deep, you can just dive into the water. No acclimation required.

It's like taking of a bandage slowly or just ripping it off quickly.

I like to say that I took the road less travelled. The first time I went out I was all in and met with a local CD whom I first met here.

But, to each her own.

[JulieC]

I have to agree with Krisi. Some people definitely DO notice and DO care. Sure as heck some of them are going to talk about the weird man they saw that day. All of it doesn't matter (well, at least I try to convince myself of that!). I would be very irritated if someone took my photo, and that concerns me. Retirement is a few years down the road yet. Once I'm retired, and I don't have to worry about losing my job, then I won't care as much if someone photographs me.

[TheHiddenMe]

If you think nobody cares, you are fooling yourself. Most people aren't going to make comments to your face, but they do notice and they do form an opinion of you. When they get home or to work, they will tell people that they saw a weirdo man wearing women's clothes. They might secretly take your photo and post it on Facebook.

Yes, you have the right to wear whatever you want, but you have to be willing to accept the consequences.

Always good to let other people decide how you should live your life.

I did for the longest time, until I overcame the fear and found out that going out is a lot of fun.

Like Friday night when my GG friend and I got pinked up and saw Barbie together. Lots of people at the theater. Did I care? No.

Some people look for sunshine. Other people look for rain clouds.

Don't let the unhappy people looking for rain clouds--the ones who never or rarely go out--rain on your parade.

P.S. Speaking of Facebook, Michelle has posted my picture on her FB page twice. No one said anything. I've posted pictures weekly of myself at Kandi's. No problems. I've been on Stana's a couple of times, even a guest post with pictures of me. Again, no issues.

[JuliannaS]

I've been going out dressed 3-4 times a month, mostly shopping, picking up lunch, mall, the park...i dress to blend in. Usually i wear makeup and a wig, sometimes a COVID mask, and sunglasses, sometimes not. I feel like if people know , and im sure some do, they don't care. I really don't care if people know, as long as they don't bother me. I sometimes feel like a negative reaction is just a matter of time.

[Rhonda Jean]

It is overly broad to say "no one cares". People are typically polite (if you pick a venue where people are typically polite), so it's unlikely that anyone will make a big scene or be confrontational about it, but very likely they'll whisper to their friends, have a laugh, talk about you when they get home, etc.. Some of us are more tolerant of that than others. Those who haven't gone out are probably afraid/wondering what it's like. Probably worthy of a separate thread about our actual experiences.

[StephanieLake]

If you think nobody cares, you are fooling yourself. Most people aren't going to make comments to your face, but they do notice and they do form an opinion of you. When they get home or to work, they will tell people that they saw a weirdo man wearing women's clothes. They might secretly take your photo and post it on Facebook.

Yes, you have the right to wear whatever you want, but you have to be willing to accept the consequences.

I guess I should have put a different title. Yes, people care, but they don't care enough to say anything to you about it. Do I care if they notice or talk behind my back? No. I don't know them and couldn't care less about their opinion of me or my clothing or what they say to their friend about the weird man they saw. If they want to take my picture and post it on Facebook, go ahead. The chances of us having a friend in common are very slim.

As I said before, the main reason I posted this was to encourage others to not let their fear stop them from being who they are. Are people going to notice? Yes. Are they going to say anything bad or cause problems? I would say, most likely not.

[JackieD]

Unfortunately there s bunch of real crazy people out there. Who you would never want to be associated with at any time. Who care about everything. But normal people just are putting so much effort living their own life. There no room for caring about strangers. And if there cared. What are they going to do. Go the other way ? Big thing seems to be restrooms. That when it gets real personally. Woman and especially woman?s SO. Don?t want there woman in a restroom with a man who is dressing

[Sometimes Steffi]

How come no one mentioned Teen girls. I don't know that they will laugh in you face, but they certainly talk about it, and not behind your back.

I was recently out en femme and passed a couple of teenaged girls. I thought my clothes and makeup we pretty good, and I though I might pass. The didn't give any sign of recognition until they passed me. I looked back and they appeared to be discussion whether I ws a boy or a girl, at least from their body language.

[Bea_]

I recently took my first public outing in feminine male mode. I noticed people turning to look but I didn?t really look back. The dude at the register seemed surprised but treated me respectfully. The young female barista next to him seemed tone fighting not to laugh (or gag, not sure which).

It was my first time out so I can?t speak beyond that.

[JulieC]

Bravo on the first time out Bea!

If she was gagging, her problem :)

[Bea_]

Thank you Julie. I was editing on my phone and the fact the outing was to a semi-distant coffee shop got lost.

The truth is that the young girl was very attractive and that fact makes me want to have made a good impression, even as a man old enough to be her grandfather. That's as much a part of my nature as the outfit I was wearing. I think that's the hardest part of being "unusual". People you respect don't necessarily respect you back.

The outing was a sort of experimental exposure therapy for me, facing my fears. I'm glad I did it. I'm thinking I would tone down the expression of femininity a notch or two next time, but that was worth learning. I really don't know what my "ideal" presentation would look like yet.

[ellbee]

Absolutely. No one cares about alternative lifestyles. That's why Bud Light's sales plummeted when ONE trans person became part of their advertising. Everyone loves her, I'm sure, and would happily buy her a beer, and toast diversity. In the meantime, there are plenty of videos out there about hateful people destroying Bud light merchandise with guns, yelling about how they won't ever buy it again; because they love diversity so much?
Right. Let's all pretend that we live in a utopia, and that none of them would ever, ever consider harming anyone, or anything, because they didn't like what it represented.

It's unfortunate that it appears, one could argue, that our general demographic is being victimized, hi-jacked, weaponized, demonized, etc.


I do wish others would stay out of my business. Because now some people may associate me with the actions of certain corporations, or with drag-queen story-hour at libraries/schools, or (perhaps sometimes inappropriate) parades, or M2F trans athletes, or whatever.

Everything was fine before all that came along. Now? I have a Target involuntarily painted on my back (pun intended? :brolleyes: ).


There's a reason why I've created a "bubble" among a group of the general population where I can be myself -- yet still be happy, safe & mainly accepted. :battingeyelashes: :thumbsup:

[Deborah G]

My experience locally is that most folks do not care how you are dressed. Some may raise an eyebrow, but I am past being concerned about that. I am concerned that on a national scale, being a CD is associated with negative connotations and activities. That is NOT me, and certainly no one I associate with knowingly. However, the public opinion brush is broad and all unfortunately get painted the same way, which is why I always put my best high heeled foot forward when out! Deborah

[Rikidee]

Ellbee I couldn't have said it better myself. Less problems when I went about my business under the radar, literally Noone cared. Now this thing I do is associated with things I don't even agree with.