Is a DADT Relationship a Healthy One?

[Alison-Mary]

Hi

Is a DADT Relationship a Healthy One?

Was just wondering about peoples thoughts on this matter?

Thanks
Alison

[Cheryl T]

I don't feel it is.
You are always hiding even though the other party is aware and I'm sure it causes stress that goes unspoken. Over time that will only hurt parts of the marriage.

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

DADT is often denial which can cause conflict that can damage a marriage.

[Crissy 107]

As someone who is in a DADT marriage I can say that without a doubt it is better than being in the closet with the SO not knowing anything. That has to be more stressful for the CD I would think, also if and when the SO finds out there could be all sorts of issues to deal with.
Would I like more acceptance, yes of course, but I am ok with where I am now.
Just my 2 cents worth.

[Di]

Myself I would not want that because I wanted involved.

But
For many it does work and can be healthy

I mean a REAL DADT not a I told her I like panties …..so I told her and the CD continues to hides everything else. ( some here do that )
A real DADT is usually when it was hidden for many years ( back in the day people did not have resources to know it is not unusual)then the cder comes out and truth, discussion on both sides and I wife comes to the conclusion she does not want to see or talk about it. Boundaries are agreed upon and occasionally things are renegotiated.
That works.
But the fake DADT … also ones that swear to their wife they will never do it again nonsense is like a bomb ready to drop.
IMHO

For the young one’s reading…..before marriage work this out or do not marry. The need to dress always comes back don’t kid yourself. It is much worse later with finances combined, homes and children. Sort this out before….it is nothing to be ashamed of and it is a part of you.

[char GG]

Di explained this very well.

Personally, I know when my husband is trying to hide something and would be very angry/hurt if he tried to hide a big part of him.

If it's a REAL DADT, (as in the wife knows but specified that she doesn't want to see or hear about it); then it's probably healthier than, "I'm not going to tell, so that she won't ask."

[audreyinalbany]

thats a loaded question...a DADT can be a healthy relationship. I don't think it should be the single thing that makes or breaks a relationship.DADT can be negotiated without making the relationship necessarily bad. A wife or SO may acknowledge that crossdressing exists but chooses not to participate or witness

[Aunt Kelly]

Compared to what?
One based on deception, keeping everything from the other partner in the relationship? Yes.
One based on openness, honesty, and mutual respect? Not so much.

[ReineD]

It depends on the type of DADT.

Some wives know about the CDing and they recognize that their husbands need to dress occasionally, but the wives prefer to not be involved. If the wife knows that the husband dresses when she is not around and this doesn’t affect the quality of their marriage, then DADT works for them. This arrangement is what I think of when people mention DADT.

If the wife knows about the CDing and she wants her husband to not dress, then CDing behind her back is not DADT. It is lying. In this case it is imperative that the couple negotiate some sort of compromise. The wife needs to understand that the husband cannot stop, and so allowing some time for the CDing when the wife is not around will allow the husband to not lie about it. In turn, the husband needs to respect his wife’s difficulties with accepting the CDing and he needs to not go overboard with it.

[Karren H]

No one has gotten sick or died in our DADT relationship. So far.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Allison Mary :hugs:, We have a Very Workable DA/DT, My:love:Wife knows about everything,

She just don't want to see me while while I am dressed, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Steph_CD_62]

I don't think it a great way to have a relationship, however it is better than have to hide in the closet.
But again, there is no right or wrong answer, and every relationship is different.
If your S/O doesn't mind you crossdressing but doesn't want to see it a DADT relationship should work.

[Heather76]

I don't understand DADT. To me, it's as though the spouse/SO thinks if they don't talk about it, it will go away. Of course, we know it won't go away. While they may not like that you CD, if they know, then it really is to everyone's benefit to be able to talk about it. I don't for a minute mean to imply your CDing should be a constant topic of discussion. But, once in a while you, or her, may feel the need to talk about it. Putting any discussion topics completely off the table does nothing to foster open communication.

[docrobbysherry]

Mine worked! I had to tell my adult daughter before she caught me!:eek:

She didn't approve or ever want to see Sherry. So, I told her when and where I was going to dress around the house and she either made sure to be out or in another part of our house. It worked well for 5 years. She moved out and we had no issues in our DADT arrangement. :thumbsup:

But, many here think DADT means Lie, Hide, and Cheat!:thumbsdn:

[Crissy 107]

Heather, We all know it will never go away but our wives just do not understand that and think it was a phase. My wife did and I told her otherwise but she did not care to hear that.

Doc, I hope most here in a DADT relationship do not think it means lie, hide and cheat.

[Always Susan]

I think Reine is spot on with her definitions of DADT. Thank god that my beautiful wife and I have the first kind of DADT.

[Judy-Somthing]

Not for ME!

[Debbie Denier]

Depends on the circumstances. For some it works others it doesn?t. I feel it can create a barrier in the relationship.

[SaraLin]

Healthy? Um,no.
IMO - Anything that makes a person hide or suppress a part of who they are, isn't healthy.

Harmful? Not necessarily.
Nobody gets everything they want in life but if you and your partner can reach a workable compromise, it can work.

[DianeT]

Healthy may be the wrong way to put it. Two adults can reach a compromise that works for the couple and be satisfied with it even if that means not telling everything. Is it healthy to not tell everything? That entirely depends on the individuals. As long as it is agreed between both parties, from full transparency to DADT and all the nuances within, I'd say go for whatever works for you and your wife.
I am not in DADT since my wife and I talk openly of the subject. She knows when and how I dress to the full nines, I just don't do it in front of her and she hasn't seen pictures. But I once dressed in front of her in MIAD mode.

[GretchenM]

IMHO, the GG's have grabbed the brass ring, as is often the case in these kinds of things. Di, Char, Reine? How do you do that? :)

For my wife and I it works nicely. We respect each other's wishes and thoughts fully. I may present a very slightly female-like look in her presence and that is OK. But it is mostly that I behave in a more female-like way - gentle, helpful, listen carefully, engaging in conversation in a way that involves more asking each other questions rather than male-like where the man tends to make statements and the woman nods her head and asks questions and stands by her man, etc.

She is well aware that in private I can dive deep into the female-like physical expression. It is an excellent arrangement based on trust and mutual respect for our differences in some ways but also over a half century long love affair that was filled with secrets on both sides. We partition our lives in ways that allows freedom for our individuality but a tight bond in mutuality. Would she prefer it be a more "normal" living arrangement. I think both of us would, but that is not going to happen. And that is OK! Now there are few secrets.

But I suspect in relationships where those factors do not exist and there is always a kind of tension over this issue that would eventually be burdensome to some degree. If you are not really willing to share your lives freely and learn from your differences and marriage is a quest to mold each other into your dream boy or girl then you might be better off single and comply with stereotypical and traditional value. It is hard work for both of us, but it does work if you can find that sweet zone where the two of you can fully and honestly accept your unique differences.

It wasn't always that way - it was more traditional with secrets on both sides for 43 years. But since I came out and we both went to therapy regarding my gender issues it has been wonderful although restricted BY AGREEMENT and understanding. She doesn't fully understand how I am that way in a practical sense mostly because she does not exhibit trans traits, but she does understand the needs of a somewhat trans person who a few times a year needs to be able to look in the mirror and see a woman looking back that looks a bit like me. But the rest of the time I need to carry my stuff in a gender neutral bag and wear pink, purple, lavender, and other stereotypically female colored shirts, but mostly present myself in a cheery way like a lot of women do and be helpful to others - a bit nurturing. She knows the "weird" side is still there but the female-like behavior that bit of "weirdness" brings to our relationship is extremely comfortable. She gets the best of both worlds and so do I.

[Brenda456]

It is not ideal, but for me, DADT is better than some alternatives.

[NancySue]

I don?t think it is as it borders on secrecy and dishonesty, the two primary reasons I took the leap of faith and told her before we go married. Her acceptance was partially based on my courage and honesty. Having a supportive wife is wonderful. I totally respect women?s ESP. During our talks, she indicated she knew I had a thing about women?s clothes. She was right.

[EmilyShy]

DADT works perfectly. To me it's like cell phone privacy. We all know the each other do things on their phones but don't see the need to tell or the need to ask. Or when you're at work. Parters know we are at work yet we don't volunteer every thing that happens nor do they ask. Just like dressing. They know we do it but don't ask nor do we tell. It's all about trust. But on the same note if either partner asked about any subject eg what you googling or what did you do at work or more so how was the dressing the information is (should be) honest and true

That's how I see it if you know what I mean

[Crissy 107]

For every member in a DADT relationship there are that many different variations. No two are alike

[Rhonda Jean]

I don't know why I seem to always find the flip side, but here goes.

I think one of the big dangers of DADT is that the wife/SO will think there's more going on than there actually is. I think that's kind of a natural occurrence. There's something out there that she can't see and it seems to loom larger and larger. One's imagination is a powerful thing. This thing we do conjures up a lot of images and fears that are FAR beyond dressing up. Though it defies explanation, it's usually as simple and as harmless as getting some soul-feeding nourishment from simply dressing up.


In the movie Joe Dirt Joe's Dad says: How exactly is a rainbow made? How exactly does a sun set? How exactly does a posi-trac rear-end on a Plymouth work? It just does.

[Bea_]

The typical DADT would not be healthy for my marriage. Any time that I feel the need to hide, I always feel a sense of rejection. My situation is more of a reverse DADT and even that isn't particularly healthy. I dress around the house in things that are beyond her taste and not near the extent of my taste. DADT for us is that I don't ask her what she thinks about anything I'm wearing or how I'm presenting and she doesn't tell me what she really thinks.

That is marginally workable. She basically doesn't even acknowledge anything I'm wearing except when I'm in boy mode. It's like she's using positive reinforcement in hopes of getting the behavior she wants. There isn't negative feedback, but the neutral feedback is very much felt as a negative. I'd love to get some affirmation, but it's never been given.

I don't really want positive feedback if it's not genuine, so neutral is preferable. She'd love to have a normal guy. I'm not that guy.

[Sometimes Steffi]

As someone who is in a DADT marriage I can say that without a doubt it is better than being in the closet with the SO not knowing anything. That has to be more stressful for the CD I would think, also if and when the SO finds out there could be all sorts of issues to deal with. Would I like more acceptance, yes of course, but I am ok with where I am now.

Just my 2 cents worth.

I agree 100% with Crissy

[Di]

For every member in a DADT relationship there are that many different variations. No two are alike

Agree:)
Every couple has to work out what works for them.

[Kitty Sue]

I think it all depends on the couple. For some it will work, for others no. I think my marriage has morphed into a DADT. My wife has said I can dress and even offered to help with my makeup, however, I don't feel comfortable doing so around her.
In a previous relationship (mentioned in my earlier posts on the forum) I used to dress around my girlfriend at the time, and it was the most open relationship I have ever experienced. In saying that it was by no means the best relationship for me to be in IMO.

[Nicci]

It gets stressful

[kayegirl]

I believe that my circumstances go somewhat beyond DADT. My wife knows, we have no secrets, I don't hide any of my clothes, my laundry goes into the same basket, male or female. It was with her encouragement that I found and attended my first weekend away with my support group. She just does not want to see me in full female guise, or to view photographs. So yes, within agreed boundaries DADT is more than healthy.

[alwayshave]

In my first marriage, I hid my dressing which was somewhat stressful. My current wife is accepting and it is so much easier.

[jacques]

hello Alison-Mary,
if it involves lying about or hiding an important of one's life from a partner it is definitely not healthy.
I am lucky, I dress openly at home with my wife but we never talk about it. Occasionally she will tell me "you are looking glamourous" or "is that dress new", but she has never asked me "why?" or "how and when did it start?". Is that a mild form of DADT?
luv J

[Stephanie47]

"Don't Ask, Don't Tell" does not mean a wife is not aware of her spouse's cross dressing. It means she knows but does not want to be a part of it. My wife once said "You can go fishing but don't ask me to clean it!" My wife and I had "The Talk" in early 1980's. She said, "If I wanted to be married to a woman,I would have married a woman!" It was plain and simple and to the point. She said, if I wanted to join a support group that was alright with her. I respected her declination. Unlike some on this site who report of wifely snide and rude comments, my wife has not said anything rude. She is supportive of LGBTQ+ men and women. My wife has found an article of clothing on occasion that I overlooked. No rude comments. Just a comment that the panty or bra was folded and put on top of the dryer behind closed doors. She has found this site open on our computer and said I should be careful it is not open if a visitor is in our home. Nothing judgemental. When she was cleaning out her nightgowns to be donated she offered them to me, knowing I would take the one I had bought her in the wrong size when we were newlyweds in 1971.

Is DADT healthy? Sure, I would love to be able to be dolled up and cook dinner for my wife. I sure would not get any pleasure antagonizing my wife. It is, what it is. Each couple has to figure it out. If your drive is so strong it creates mental issues, then those need to be addressed, just like any other issue needing therapy.

[Angela Marie]

Yes it can be healthy. I told my wife after our second date. She was ok with it and actually went to a few functions with me but decided it was not really her thing. No problem there. After many years I finally accepted that I am transgender. No plans to transition due to age and family issues. She has asked me to observe certain limits which is fine. I am lucky she is so understanding.

[Mary Loo]

I think one of the big dangers of DADT is that the wife/SO will think there's more going on than there actually is. I think that's kind of a natural occurrence. There's something out there that she can't see and it seems to loom larger and larger. One's imagination is a powerful thing. This thing we do conjures up a lot of images and fears that are FAR beyond dressing up. Though it defies explanation, it's usually as simple and as harmless as getting some soul-feeding nourishment from simply dressing up.




You hit the nail on the head for us. My wife is very much not comfortable with my current level of crossdressing, but for the prior 30 years less so because I hadn’t taken it as far or as often. When I tried to respect her not wanting any part of it and I didn’t want to rub it in her face so to speak and thus tried to not discuss and hide and be more clandestine and not explain myself, THEN she was constantly imagining the wrong motives, the wrong actions, the wrong desires, and the wrong results occurred of stress on us both.

We have since adopted a more DADT lite mode. We end up openly discussing things on occasion and I can better make her understand that it isn’t ever as bad as she imagines. Unfortunately she still negatively thinks and ponders her discomfort and consequently let’s it all upset her even when there is no interaction or discussion or any involvement on her part physically, visually, or audibly, but yet still emotionally negative.

Reine also accurately described our situation in post #9. The first version is how I envision it and strive for, but the second version is more our reality and ebbs and flows and involves more angst and negotiation and compromises.

[Kelli_cd]

Healthy? That might depend on the couple involved.
My wife knows. Period. She doesn't want to too know anything more.
From my perspective, I'm not stressed over her finding out "accidentally" any more. I'll really abide by her desire to not know more than she already does.
This may not be healthy for her? But I can't/ won't stop dressing.
And the lack of additional stress in my life is healthier for me.

[AmeeJo]

Kelli, you absolutely nailed it for me as well. I was coming here to say the same thing.

[Davina2833]

Kelli and AmeeJo,

Totally agree with you both, no talk but I do get away with women's shorts, jeans and flip flops...life is good...

Davina

[kimdl93]

DADT would not have worked for me. But in the end, neither did the alternative.

[nancy58]

I believe Di and Char GG covered it very well. I feel that DADT is only one component of my relationship with my wife, and, in fact, it's a pretty minor one. We've never had a big fight about my crossdressing, but we have had lots of arguments and negotiations about other stuff, including small things that are nowhere as weighty as CD. It feels to me that our relationship is the best ever in nearly 31 years of marriage. We have each other's back and can completely trust the other to do what's best for us. I would, however, like to be seen and accepted while en femme, and I don't know whether it will ever happen.

[Bri]

ReineD the first scenario is exactly what my wife and I have. I told her 40 years ago because I just couldn't' lie to her anymore. She acted like it was no big deal but absolutely wants nothing to do with it or see me dressed. So I still feel like I'm sneaking around because I want to respect her wishes of not seeing me dressed. That being said I also know she's not going to leave me if I accidently leave a pair of panties out or something. She knows and doesn't care and I love her even more for that.

[JamieJ]

My apologies if this is in the wrong thread, but the comments have led me to a question for the group. My SO is totally aware of my need to dress, but it's not anything that we have been able to openly discuss. That being said, I guess that makes it an "unspoken" DADT marriage. Should I leave things like they are, or should I run the risk of her wrath and try to discuss it with her? I know she would be a great source of information for me, she is a beautiful woman, and from what I have seen over the past 44 years, she's an expert and makeup and fashion. At the same time, I don't want to make a "bad" situation worse. Any advice?

Jamie

[abby054]

Is DADT relationship a healthy one? Probably but it depends on the people involved as others here have noted. DADT is not always an option. It is likely more healthy than hiding, though.

[JulieC]

JamieJ, that's hard to know. We know nothing of your relationship, and what might or might work would be dependent on having a fuller understanding of your relationship. I wish I could offer some advice :(

[Sometimes Steffi]

Sure. But it's more like a truce than a peace treaty.

[Olivia J. Robinson]

DADT, eh?
Well...I would think that it would require an initial understanding that the topic exists In the first place, so that it could be consciously avoided...
I feel that if a relationship ship is to be healthy for both parties, then coming to some kind of understanding is paramount. In my experience, when I was starting my exploring of my femme side, I tried to keep it from my wife, so as not to distress her. Well, me being a true doofus, I discovered that she is way too perceptive soul for that to work at all....so she became anxious that I was not communicating / hiding stuff from her.
I love her immensely, and this crisis got us talking. I was able to reassure her that she was not loosing me...that I still loved her...and that I valued her and her exprience as a GG.
So we are exploring together, sort of....she supports me, as much as she is able.

Jenny

[Natalie5004]

It is healthier if you nor your wife is experiencing additional stress over being "Discovered".

What about underdressing at home with her around?

My wife probable sees me doing that almost every day in the morning. She is heading out the door, I am clean, polished, wearing my bra and panties under the tee shirt and shorts. I usually will start my makeup routine while she is still home. It takes me me about a 1/2 hour to get ready.

Make sure that she knows that she is the most important person in your life and will always stay that way. But you have a fem side that is trying to discover who she is. You can be both husband and a great friend to hang out and gossip with about woman's clothes and things. That is what we have been doing for the last few years. I know she likes it, I do too.

Some Sundays we both doll up and cook meals and drink wine. I even ask her to help zip me up. Afterall I help her with zippers and sometimes even shoe buckles and straps. Why not?

[Alison-Mary]

Hi

Thanks for all your replies.

I did not realise there were different definitions of DADT. I was broadly of the understanding that DADT was when the SO knew about the dressing and was okay with it as long as they had nothing to do with it, i.e. it was hidden away from them (Don't Ask, Don't Tell), so for the purposes of this reply I am referring to my understanding of the definition.

I suppose the question was really about what constitutes a 'healthy' relationship, and how DADT fits around that. I completely understand there are plenty of workable and loving DADT relationships, as many have attested here, and that something is better than nothing, however I am in two minds as to whether this is particularly healthy or not. One aspect I would consider is how important the feminine side of your character is to you. For me it is fundamental to my being, part of who I am, so for me it is very important to be loved for who I am, both the masculine and feminine side, and I would consider it unhealthy, if anything for my mental well being, to feel I was restricted from expressing both sides. On the other hand if I did not feel so strong about the need to express myself, or the femme side was not as prominent, then a DADT could be perfectly acceptable, as long as it did not adversely impact my mental health.

I say this because I was living a traditional DADT lifestyle, but after many years of working around it, walking on eggshells, I got to a point where I could live the 'lie' no longer. I had the discussion with my SO, explained my feelings and that DADT was no longer a viable option (it was driving me crazy). At the same time I came out to my kids, all young adults, who were very cool about the whole thing, as I had expected (footnote, it was my SO had wanted to keep it hidden). So after a lot of discussion, my SO accepted the new situation and agreed to see how we can move forward. I appreciate the courage she has shown and am slowly introducing her to my other side (the full me), trying not to shove it in her face, but gradually normalising the real person.

Even though this may not work out long term, it was unhealthy for me before and may prove too much for my SO in future, but I feel a lifelong burden has been lifted now I can be true to myself, regardless of what the future holds.

Cheers
Alison