Sarahgurl371
04-14-2006, 08:02 PM
I have recently read the book "She's not there" by Jennifer Finney Boylan. Which is a great book, incidentally. There seems to always be questions from SO's about why we (the CD/TG/TS) did not tell them about ourselves when we met or feel in love. Those threads have seemed to generate many responses and explanations, as well as criticizms. I suppose we could discuss / argue about the reasons for a long time. While reading the afterward written by the author's friend, I happened across a very eloquent and descriptive passage that for me, and probably some others, seems to say it well.
In a nutshell, the author is a MTF TS, whose name used to Jim, who lived a life of inner termoil that many of us seem to feel oursleves, finds his /her soul mate Grace. Even though this story is about a transsexual, I think that the underlying theme is pretty common to those of us in the TG community as a hole. I know we all do not identify as TS, or even TG, and I do not want to scare any SO's out there that we will all end up TS. I just thought I would share this passage.
From the book "She's not there" by Jennifer Finney Boylan, specifically the Afterward by her friend Richard Russo,
"Jim, tormented since childhood and diagnosed with a condition he simply refused to accept, one day meets the very woman he's been dreaming and praying for since he was that small boy beneath the pier, watching the approaching storm - the woman who frees him from himself. For the first time in his life, he simply doesn't matter anymore. She matters. She is not merely Grace, she is his grace - that gift from God that can never be earned, but must be rather freely and gratefully accepted. Perfectly radiant, she is not just the love of his life, she is his cure. When she smiles, he can feel what he's always regarded as his illness melting away. It's not just women's clothes he gathers together from his closet for disposal before he proposes marraige, it's a shameful self that can now be shed, like a suit of clothes. Not just hidden out of sight, but swept clean away".
"Who cannot imagine such a momement? The weight of the self simply vanishing, banished by the power of longed-for love, the promise of family, normality. Does he tell her about the clothes in the Dumpster? The self in the Dumpster? To do so would suggest that maybe the clothes are not really gone, that the discarded self may one day reemerge. To tell is to doubt the power of the love he can feel coursing through is veins, routing the virus, making him well. What patient does not want to believe the treatment has worked, that he's clean, that he can now have a normal life? Tell his beloved that he's been ill for a very long time, that the illness may return, even though he's convinced that it never will? Tell her, now that his faith, which has never flagged since he was a child, has finally been rewarded? No, and it's in his not telling, surely, that we recognize our shared humanity. This is what I attempted to explain to people, barely containing my annoyance that such an explanation should be necessary."
I think that basically we all need self acceptance. And unfortunately for our SO's this does come back long after we have pledged our love and devotion. Long after we have hoped that love has "cured" us. Even though a lifetime of self loathing and hatred did not make it go away, it has not kept it from reemerging either. We feel terrible inside. We know that this is not what you signed on for. But we know that we cannot move forward in our lives until this is dealt with, finally, we hope. So we make a decision. A decision to try and accept ourselves. Unfortunately for the SO's, we need to tell you. We need your acceptance. We need it because despite a lifetime of trying to understand and accept ourselves, we have failed in that aspect. And maybe, just maybe, your acceptance will allow us to be free of that inner termoil that has plagued us since forever.
Just a thought?
In a nutshell, the author is a MTF TS, whose name used to Jim, who lived a life of inner termoil that many of us seem to feel oursleves, finds his /her soul mate Grace. Even though this story is about a transsexual, I think that the underlying theme is pretty common to those of us in the TG community as a hole. I know we all do not identify as TS, or even TG, and I do not want to scare any SO's out there that we will all end up TS. I just thought I would share this passage.
From the book "She's not there" by Jennifer Finney Boylan, specifically the Afterward by her friend Richard Russo,
"Jim, tormented since childhood and diagnosed with a condition he simply refused to accept, one day meets the very woman he's been dreaming and praying for since he was that small boy beneath the pier, watching the approaching storm - the woman who frees him from himself. For the first time in his life, he simply doesn't matter anymore. She matters. She is not merely Grace, she is his grace - that gift from God that can never be earned, but must be rather freely and gratefully accepted. Perfectly radiant, she is not just the love of his life, she is his cure. When she smiles, he can feel what he's always regarded as his illness melting away. It's not just women's clothes he gathers together from his closet for disposal before he proposes marraige, it's a shameful self that can now be shed, like a suit of clothes. Not just hidden out of sight, but swept clean away".
"Who cannot imagine such a momement? The weight of the self simply vanishing, banished by the power of longed-for love, the promise of family, normality. Does he tell her about the clothes in the Dumpster? The self in the Dumpster? To do so would suggest that maybe the clothes are not really gone, that the discarded self may one day reemerge. To tell is to doubt the power of the love he can feel coursing through is veins, routing the virus, making him well. What patient does not want to believe the treatment has worked, that he's clean, that he can now have a normal life? Tell his beloved that he's been ill for a very long time, that the illness may return, even though he's convinced that it never will? Tell her, now that his faith, which has never flagged since he was a child, has finally been rewarded? No, and it's in his not telling, surely, that we recognize our shared humanity. This is what I attempted to explain to people, barely containing my annoyance that such an explanation should be necessary."
I think that basically we all need self acceptance. And unfortunately for our SO's this does come back long after we have pledged our love and devotion. Long after we have hoped that love has "cured" us. Even though a lifetime of self loathing and hatred did not make it go away, it has not kept it from reemerging either. We feel terrible inside. We know that this is not what you signed on for. But we know that we cannot move forward in our lives until this is dealt with, finally, we hope. So we make a decision. A decision to try and accept ourselves. Unfortunately for the SO's, we need to tell you. We need your acceptance. We need it because despite a lifetime of trying to understand and accept ourselves, we have failed in that aspect. And maybe, just maybe, your acceptance will allow us to be free of that inner termoil that has plagued us since forever.
Just a thought?