Have I gone too far?

[Ilsa]

I'm exhilarated, scared and excited as I find myself dressing more and more. But now I've done the unthinkable! I've joined a dating service as a female just to see the responses. It appears I've received many more inquiries as a woman than I did as a man on a service. I haven't gone the distance by making myself available for conversation with these men. I certainly don't want to deceive these men, but I find it exhilarating and would like to start up a conversation with these men who have seen my profile which includes my photo, which they seem to like. It would be an interesting experience to see if I could express my inner female emotions to these men. It is a scary thought.

[Alaina R]

Good way to get killed.

[Crissy 107]

Ok, maybe I am missing something, you are saying you are a female? I checked your profile and do not see you have transitioned that I am aware of.
If so this has red flags all over it.

[Helen_Highwater]

In answer to your question, yes.

[cheryl]

You look nice, but save yourself, stay away.

[Di]

Have you gone too far?
YES
From an earlier post you said “I am not a woman I am a CD
SO Why play games?
Say the truth
What is your endgame? A thrill at someone else’s expense?
Dangerous game you are playing here….wake up!
What is so wrong saying the truth?

[char GG]

I certainly don't want to deceive these men,....


This is exactly what you are doing!

To answer your thread question:

Yes, you have gone to far - crossed over the line into fantasyland but using trusting people as props.

If you are presenting something that you are not, you are deceiving these men, wasting their time for a self-thrill to yourself.

Women who present something they aren't to men, are vilified (such as a 20 year old picture, 50 pounds less picture, someone else's picture)

It would be a good time to stop this practice before it becomes a bigger deal to you and hurts someone in the process.

Now, if you want to present yourself as a cross dresser, then it would be ok. What you indicated that you are doing is not cool. You might just find your picture on a U-tube video of an imposter or called something worse. Just be truthful.

[kimdl93]

Yes, you have gone too far. Posting on a dating site is fine, if you are serious about pursuing a relationship with a man. If all you are doing is feeding your libido or ego, not good.

[DianeT]

Lying to people to indulge in a cheap thrill seems like going too far indeed.

[Becky Bloodstone]

I think you should state in the profile that you are indeed a crossdresser, otherwise you kind of are deceiving them. If you really want to see the response to you, you can do what I did and start a Facebook page of your female self. Clearly state that you are a crossdresser. I get so many messages from men, I don't want them but at least I know I look good. Plus Facebook has a fairly large hidden crossdresser community that's pretty fun.

[mykell]

honestly, YES, deception is a fools game....many loose theyre lives that find themselves working in the sex trade as a need....pushing limits for self indulgence or confirmation will end poorly if you take it too many steps.

the people who use these sites are looking for hook ups not conversation....not to be teased and angered....that
is a scary thought......just look at the lists of those who die horrible painful deaths during "trans day of awareness"

sorry to be so brutally honest....asked @ answered....things are not going in the right direction for trans folks these days....

[Ilsa]

Thanks for your input. I've taken myself off the site. The only thing that puzzles me now are those who go out dressed to bars and seek excitement by having some guys hitting on them. Are they no better than what I was just exploring. It seems to be a more dangerous proposition.

[Sandi Beech]

Lisa,

On a web site, people can not see the size of your hands and shoulders. They can not hear the tone of your voice, I can go on and on about the giveaways. My point is I have been to 40 different clubs all over the US, some of them many times. I have been hit on by both men and women. None thought I was a genetic woman. Some will be attracted to the female presentation regardless. It takes on a negative connotation among many here, but it is often as simple as someone offering to buy a drink. It is nothing to freak out about. I have never had a serious issue and no one said OMG you are not a woman.

If you posted as a male who crossdresses, that is honest, but if it was posted as if you were genetic female, that is what people will likely take issue with. Hopefully you see the difference.

Sandi

[docrobbysherry]

Ilsa, u can express your female side and get attention from men safely if u go to T friendly bars and clubs. Believe me, there r plenty of men that have hit on this 80 y/o CD who is not interested in "dating" men in the first place! But, they've ALL been polite, friendly, and very complimentary!:o

And, it's much safer than what u propose because the men will KNOW you're trans. That's why they're attracted to u!:love:
And, as long as u stay in the bar or club you're completely safe!:thumbsup:

[Sometimes Steffi]

First of all, most men who responded to you know (or think) you are TG anyway. They are engaging their fantasy and just want to get a notch on their belt.

You may have fooled a few of the responders through pictures or words on the dating site. But, what happens if you get date with one of these men and he discovers the truth. And, he will discover the truth; it just depends on how long it will take him. At the very least, you will have insulted his manhood. At the very least, he is likely to beat you to a pulp. At the very worst, you will end up on the police blotter.

Don't do it.

[Shelly Preston]

Is this going too far Yes.

You have rectified that situation by taking yourself off the site.

Going out to bars you may get hit on, but you can at least let them know before it goes to far.

Do be careful you can be approached anywhere. I have been in that position when walking back to my car. He was a bit stubborn not wanting to take no for an answer . The fact that I was with a friend did help, when I said I was not interested in him.

[Debs]

I go out a lot to bars, mainly in an lgbt environment, I get hit on a lot, and always, yes always say "you do know I'm a Man dont you" and 99 times out of a 100 they say YES. and I suspect they already know but always make it perfecly clear before continuing my conversation.

[macada10]

You can go as far as you want, if I join a dating service I would post "Interested in women only".
But of course, your intercoursing prefereces might be different from mine.

[Sabine Janus]

You'll probably find these conversations are going to about sex, not LTR. Now if you WANT that, then take all precautions, but expect that that is what they will want.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Ilsa :hugs:, See Line #4 in my Signature, , >Orchid **O:daydreaming:O**

[GretchenM]

You took yourself off the dating site. That is great. But it appears you are still thinking along those lines. Please change your thinking and forget about it. Alternatively, switch to using an honest approach. You are walking on very thin ice. If you continue you will have an "interesting experience" but not the one you are thinking about. It is not only a "scary thought," but potentially suicidal.

[Genifer Teal]

I choose not to meet people on line. I will not go on a date if I haven't first met them in person. I once had someone friend me on fb because she is friends with 20+ of my friends. She calls me out when she figured out my story. I quickly deleted and blocked her.
I currently have 500 pending friend requests because I don't know who they are. Tell me how/ where we meet before I friend you. I know lots of people from going out. Can't remember everyone I talk to.

[CDMargret]

As others have said yes to far. Should always be honest to yourself and others and state you are under the hood what you are yet your paint job is your favorite color of pink. SO glad you did take your profile down. Do be ever so careful and think of your safety first.

True live and in person others can see and judge for themselves whether to say hi or bye. Better that way. Then you find someone true. Flirting in person is oh so fun as well.

[Tiffany8]

In the nicest way possible... Are you out of your mind? This is the kind of thing they make into a story line for Criminal Minds

[Heather76]

The only reason you should be on a dating site presenting as a woman is if you are looking to date a man. If that's the case, you need to specifically state you are M2F crossdresser. Then, BE CAREFUL.

[JulieC]

Ok so it's basically unanimous that it's a bad idea. I can't add anything to that.

Ilsa, I did want to add to one sentence though... You said "It appears I've received many more inquiries as a woman than I did as a man on a service".

Women receive way more attention on dating services than guys do period. It's the norm. What is sadly also the norm is most guys on dating services tend to be creeps. Plenty of men will do the throw-spaghetti-at-the-wall-and-hope-something-sticks routine, and will send messages to every new person who appears to be female. Getting the extra attention isn't anything to be surprised about nor complimented about.

[Karren H]

It would be an interesting experience to see if I could express my inner female emotions to these men.

It would be kind of interesting (for us) to see what happens (to you)!

JK Run away, run away!

[Sometimes Steffi]

Just as a point of interest, I have seen some CD/TS admitting that their CD/TS and posting as a woman ISO a man. Don't ask me how I know this. I would never use any of these dating sites while being married.

[ellbee]

I am a firm believer that 99.9% of men who say they were "fooled" into thinking we are cis women are lying to cover for their own sexual hangups. That said, it's always best to be up front about this stuff so the guy can't come back later claiming to be a victim of deceit. They know. They always know. They can't always deal with that. Heck, there are people in this forum who can't deal with it. Lots of hangups, lol.

The challenge is that you never know how the guy could react, and this could range from ghosting you all the way to taking your life. It's no joke. As someone who dates frequently and who tries to look my best 24/7, I prefer to be upfront and transparent from the very start. It also helps to be confident in your presentation. I'm not hiding in the shadows,trying to disguise my voice, or apologizing for being me.


I dunno... Not to sound rude, but overall? Guys can be pretty stupid often enough when it comes to all this! :laughing:


I'd say it's rather almost impossible to truly "pass" with a GG, in-person -- at least to any significant level. And they can typically tell pretty much right away, without much doubt. And yes, I realize there can be & certainly are exceptions.


But passing with a *guy*? At least to some degree or another? Much more likely, IMO. :p

(Particularly with just online photos, mind you. ;) )


One reason may be that they're/we're hard-wired to hone in on only certain visual cues/traits? You know, perhaps some of the same things CD/trans-type people might highlight in their presentation, in order to appear more "legit"? And these guys will even disregard, in the process, other "things/tells" that may *not* be so feminine/sexually attractive with this "female" in question??

Hmmm, I believe there may be something there... :thinking:



Anyway, as someone else mentioned earlier, I recall many times saying, at least in my head, "Uhhhh... You know I'm a *dude*, right?!? :eek: "


Ahh, good times... :roflmao:


P.S. Learn how to safely rebuff, ladies. :battingeyelashes:

[Patience]

There is already enough hatred for people like us out there.

The last thing we need is for them to have a legitimate reason to do so.

[Rhonda Jean]

I've joined a dating service as a female just to see the responses. It appears I've received many more inquiries as a woman than I did as a man on a service. I haven't gone the distance by making myself available for conversation with these men.

I don't disagree with any of the advice, but I think we've been a little harsh. I wouldn't have done such a thing, but...

It's the nature of what we do to muddle fantasy and reality. The internet allows us, if we're so inclined, to sort of reach outside the fantasy and touch some extension of reality. An extension of the fantasy, so to speak. Some of us do that by going out, some of us from behind a computer. It is dangerous in a lot of ways when the line becomes so diffused that we don't know where the fantasy ends and reality begins. I think it'd be quite a stretch to think that anybody's dating profile or their social media in general has much basis in reality. Most everybody is displaying who they want people to thing they are, not who they truly are.

Just don't meet up with anybody or let them find out where you live, work, etc., and realize that someone determined to find out can be pretty crafty.

[alwayshave]

Kim, If you haven't stated you were assigned a different gender at birth, I'd say you have gone too far.

[Snide_lobster]

I don't disagree with any of the advice, but I think we've been a little harsh. I wouldn't have done such a thing, but...

It's the nature of what we do to muddle fantasy and reality. The internet allows us, if we're so inclined, to sort of reach outside the fantasy and touch some extension of reality. An extension of the fantasy, so to speak. Some of us do that by going out, some of us from behind a computer. It is dangerous in a lot of ways when the line becomes so diffused that we don't know where the fantasy ends and reality begins. I think it'd be quite a stretch to think that anybody's dating profile or their social media in general has much basis in reality. Most everybody is displaying who they want people to thing they are, not who they truly are.

Just don't meet up with anybody or let them find out where you live, work, etc., and realize that someone determined to find out can be pretty crafty.

Yeah, I kind of feel the same way. I mean, I wouldn't say it's really an ethical thing to do (especially if the point is too deceive), but depending on the dating app being used, I think the concern of physical harm, and harm done to other parties has been heavily exaggerated here. Obviously, this would require not providing information that can be tracked back to you (which can come in things like pictures as well as information in bios ect.), but if all you do is send a few messages to some random bloke and not lead them on too much I'm not really sure what the problem is. I look at something like Tinder (an app I detest I should say), where the whole point is a numbers game, and if things don't pan out its easy to move onto the next person. I'm not particularly fond of this en masse consumption style of dating/hooking up, but it is a lot more forgiving of playing around. I know I made a fake account once (not cd related), and had fun for a day screwing with some people, but outside of a few moments wasted texting they weren't really any worse off. IDK just my perspective, but maybe my generation is too relaxed with online safety (probably some truth to that).

[Rhonda Jean]

I was on Match (as a guy) for a while after my divorce. I was very surprised and somewhat overwhelmed by the amount of interest/attention I got. The vast majority of it goes absolutely nowhere. I don't remember what step one was, but I think it amounted to sending your profile and maybe "Hi". The key here is that Ilsa said it was "just to see the responses". I think at that stage, most people on these apps are casting a wide net. Most of the people on those apps are lying about something. Income, lifestyle, education... and posting the most flattering picture they ever took. These days with all the photo enhancement going on, there's no telling if their pic even resembles their actual appearance. That's not just on dating apps. All of social media is rife with that and I'm not on any of it. I read the whole OP as "I know I'm straight but I wonder if the guys would like me?", so she throws a pic out there on a dating app to see.

I'm not sure that's much different than trying to pass in public. I never wore a sign around my neck saying "I'm a dude". Just the opposite. I wasn't looking for a date or even conversation, but I absolutely knocked myself out trying to pass as an attractive woman. I don't see this as much different, just done from behind a computer.

[Valeria M.]

Yes. Most of the time, even a mentioning of cross-dressing can be taken as insult on dating sites.

[amykwanishere]

I go out a lot to bars, mainly in an lgbt environment, I get hit on a lot, and always, yes always say "you do know I'm a Man dont you" and 99 times out of a 100 they say YES. and I suspect they already know but always make it perfecly clear before continuing my conversation.

Similar experience, and I totally agree. Honesty is super important. Deceiving will generate frustration and hate, potentially leading to one more hate crime victim.

To be honest, even with my clear and full disclosure of my crossdressing nature on social media like Instagram, I still have people hitting on me, not to mention receiving tons of dick pics. It can be very fustrating.