Are accepting wives really rare? Survey says....

[JulieC]

I've recently been pondering how many wives are accepting vs. non-accepting. There's not much data out there, so I thought about collecting data here. To collect this data, I didn't do any "digging" into past posts by anyone. I also didn't add in anyone that I knew their status. I just waited for new posts to come in where a person clearly stated what acceptance they did or didn't have from their wives. I didn't include people who are divorced, single, with a girlfriend, or widowed. Only currently married people, and only referencing their current spouse. If they were previously married, I didn't include the previous marriage. I also didn't include my own status. I wanted to wait until I had 100 posters on the forum, and today I got to 100 and 101.

I think there's a general impression by many here that the vast majority of wives are not supportive, that many of us live in DADT relationships of one kind or another, or are in the closet. So far as I'm aware, there is no way to post a poll here, but I would love to do so before posting this data, but alas. I think probably a majority think accepting women are a minority or even a rarity. I certainly don't mean to depress those of you in unhealthy DADT or closeted situations. I've been there (at least with a long term girlfriend), and it's difficult to say the least. I totally empathize. Mainly, I wanted to see what the data came through with. This might prove helpful to some people, especially those who are single, starting a new relationship, or in the closet. No, I did not collect data on when a wife found out (before or after the wedding). That data would be interesting certainly, but more difficult to collect without asking the question directly.

Caveat; this is entirely unscientific. I'm not a statistician, and this data set is selective in that it is coming ONLY from people who post on this forum, which is a small, possibly not representative sample of the entire population of crossdressers. Still, I find it interesting.

I assigned people to six different categories. They were:

Closeted; wife does not know at all.
Unhealthy DADT; accidental exposure either of the husband being dressed or femme clothes will cause a problem.
Unknown DADT; it's DADT, but uncertain what effect an accidental exposure would have.
Healthy DADT; wife knows, and while it's DADT an accidental exposure either of the husband dressed or their femme clothes will not cause a problem, just not desired.
Wife knows, not DADT; She knows, but doesn't do anything to actively support the husband crossdressing. It's ok to be dressed en femme around her, but she doesn't participate, buy things, or openly encourage (or discourage).
Wife supportive; wife is fine with husband dressing en femme around her, and she actively supports them by buying them things, encouraging them to dress, or otherwise being involved.


So here's the results:

Closeted: 9
Unhealthy DADT: 8
Unknown DADT: 6
Healthy DADT: 15
Wife knows, not DADT: 22
Wife supportive: 41


So, in about 62% of marriages, the wife is at least OK with her husband dressing en femme around her. I found this figure very surprising. Personally, I would have expected it to be around 40%, maybe a bit less. If you include the Healthy DADT pool, then more than 75% of marriages are such that the husband crossdressing is not a direct problem. 75%!

[GJ81]

Very interesting research, it will be interesting to read the comments on this post. For those like me who are single, it gives me hope that I can find a woman who supports crossdressing.

[JulieC]

GJ81, you joined the forum after I started this data collection, but your recent thread made me want to post the data early, before I reached 100 :) I was thinking of you as I posted it.

[GJ81]

Julie, gathering quality data takes time. It can’t be rushed.

[Sandi Beech]

Hi Julie,

It is an interesting idea about trying to wrap some numbers around. The one huge variable: A spouse might be ok with crossdressing on a limited basis like once a week, but full time crossdressing might be a show stopper. It really complicates what the meaning of acceptance is. Putting that into the numbers would be quite difficult.

I am not be critical in any way. I just feel like it is a really complicated thing to put numbers on. If I were looking for a new mate, I would prefer her to meet me as Sandi first. Then acceptance is a non issue, at least as long as the person does not change. We have read here before, acceptance is not always static, except in my case. It will always be zero tolerance.

Sandi

[docrobbysherry]

I was a math major but you've stumped me with this one, Julie!:eek:

[Sherry Ann Evans]

Don't know if you counted me, but, I am very lucky that my wife is supportive! I told her when we first met and she was fine with it, after asking me tons of questions. We have two simple rules: 1., It can't take over my life. 2., We must remain monogamous. I happily agreed to this. Most of the time we're an ordinary couple, and sometimes we're two girlfriends. We go out together and it's great!! In fact, today she revealed that she booked a makeup lesson for my upcoming birthday. :) COMMENCE PINK FOG!!

[Karren H]

I was a math major but you've stumped me with this one, Julie!:eek:

Thinking it would look better when plotted on a log-log scale?

[audreyinalbany]

of course I have to wonder whether those who have a supportive spouse feel the need to be on this forum so that would take the 'supportive' number even higher

[mbmeen12]

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?277950-Accepting-SO-what-percentage-is-real-does-anyone-know


https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?277950-Accepting-SO-what-percentage-is-real-does-anyone-know

JulieC add this to your data too..��

[BaliGirl]

Thinking it would look better when plotted on a log-log scale?

I love nerd/math/scientist jokes!

(Yes, I'm nerd)

[kimdl93]

Not a math major, but highly skeptical.

[EmilyShy]

Lol I'm happy to be included in your data (if I've not been checked out already)
My wife knows, she hates it but allows it. She has supported me and on one occasion encouraged underdressing but when ever I try to talk about it etc she gives real disapproving looks and shuts the conversation down by changing the subject. So not sure where I fit in.
Accepting but not accepting
Not DADT but don't talk about it either
Underdress often to no comment
Have Dressed in full in front of her when no kids are home and again no comment
Been out fully dressed, first time was her idea and she came but again hates it.

It's real hard as I don't really know where I stand or how it all fits together but all in all she is brilliant tbh

Emily x

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

Happy to be a "6" in your list. My wife doesn't participate a whole lot, although she has surprised me with both new and used clothes several times and couldn't care less what I wear around her. Even though I was adamant that I'm always a man and have no interest in changing that, she told me early on that she'd love me and stay with me even if I did a full transformation (not going to happen but I appreciate her all the more for it)

[Debbie Denier]

My situation worse than unhealthy DADT. Its more dont want to know and NIMBY. I think there are more in my situation that dont post on here. Thats because the accepting are more likely to publicise their good fortune and are free to do so with the approval and support of their SO.

[Lacey New]

Add me to category 1.

[AmyJordan]

Hi everyone I'm going to have to open a new category 7 although I appreciate it may have very few members, this is for men with obsessively passionate wives who have instilled crossdressing as a permanent way of life. Anyone else like to join?

[Aunt Kelly]

Interesting, if unsurprising, results, given the sample population of active posters on crossdressers.com, but let's keep in mind Julie's acknowledgement that this is far from scientific. Sample selection is critical to the validity of any survey.

[Gillian Gigs]

I wonder if the opinion expressed by the man is also that of the management, as the joke goes! I believe acceptance can be a fluid movement at times. How the fluid flows and its' direction depends on many factors.

In my case, I have a supportive wife, but I am careful to live within agreed to boundaries. She has and still does help me with shopping purchases, voicing opinions about fit, taste, and like things. I have underdressed for too many years to count, but never showing, or being fully dressed outside the home. We have been in restaurants when she has seen the lace of my cami showing and quietly says that I need to do another button up on my shirt. Do I feel totally accepted? Yes, yet there times when things can get strained a bit. Compromise is an important word in all marriages, I go with the flow of the fluid, and sometimes I wait until whatever has settled! Whether it is for love, or peace, I avoid stirring up things. Stirring the wrong pot is the way of a foolish person.

[cubbyd12]

You can count me as a #6

[Debs]

One thing missing in this equation TIME , I have gone through all stages over time, from fully being accepted to DADT and finally being fully accepted to the point where I can leave the house dressed and stay out overnight. A period of 20 years, I told my then girlfriend on my second date, we then got married 5 years later, at first brilliant, then DADT, now its she couldnt care less, I can do what I want.

[Stephanie47]

Debs has a point. I don't know where I fall in because my wife literally did not say "boo" since the early 1980's, and then right out of the blue she told me to pick out whatever I wanted from the pile of lingerie she was donating. Duh! I was floored and could not utter a word. I don't know whether silence falls into healthy or unhealthy. I think it is unhealthy.

[Michelle Crossfire]

when was this conducted?

[Di]

So, in about 62% of marriages, the wife is at least OK with her husband dressing en femme around her. I found this figure very surprising. Personally, I would have expected it to be around 40%, maybe a bit less. If you include the Healthy DADT pool, then more than 75% of marriages are such that the husband crossdressing is not a direct problem. 75%!

I was surprised too but thought it would be higher.acceptance.
But I was thinking of all our FAB through the years that joined only to sort it out and understand.
( Hundreds and hundreds) I only remember two that I all these years that left over it and two out 300 or so is good odds.

[JulieC]

This thread was temporarily locked due to some apparent concerns that were raised about how this data was collected.

I tried to make that clear in my initial post. Allow me to hopefully clarify even further.

I didn't violate the security or rules of this site. I didn't send personal messages to people asking their status. The only thing I did was patiently spend the last few months reading most every post in the Male to Female Crossdressing forum to see what people publicly (at least in so far as this forum is concerned) stated on threads in the forum regarding their spouses. That was my only source of information. When I posted this, I posted summary information only. I did not identify any person or even username in the data; it is only aggregate information. I have not shared this data outside of this site nor would I, as I think it would be unethical to do so. I, as a crossdresser, know full well the importance of privacy and I would never do anything to violate the trust of the people that post here. I know the Right to Privacy rule and respect it.

I will reiterate that this set of data is not scientific in any way. I am not a statistician. I recognize there are biases in the data set. It could draw the wrong conclusions. However, I do think we as a general population don't give the GGs of this world enough credit, and tend to readily conclude there is little acceptance among spouses. I think this is wrong and improperly critical, and this is my own bias. To work against that, I did not crawl back through anyone's posts, nor did I include anyone whose status I knew before this (and I know a number, having been here over 15 years). I just let the data came in as it came in, via new posts in the forum. I also tried very hard not to jump to conclusions; I only took what appeared at face value as best I could. I fully recognize there are grey areas in categorization. There are no absolutes. The point about acceptance over time is a perfectly valid one. This data reflects only positions stated over the last few months.

[mbmeen12]

https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?49686-Poll-How-accepting-is-your-wife-SO-or-do-you-not-have-a-wife-SO/page3

You posted a very similar post in 2007 and I am skeptical to what end when I see posts asking for stats and to what end and why does the individual ask??? Like all polling it is an imperfect science but makes a great college thesis paper on LGBT studies if working towards a degree. Or it's a new math fetish lol.

[Lisa Gerrie]

Julie, I appreciate the effort, it's something I would do. :) But some folks get concerned about an outside researcher (psychology, sexuality) joining the forum and collecting data in just that way. For some here, privacy is almost pathological.

[JulieC]

That was 2007...16 years ago. I didn't even remember that thread before I started this one. I don't even know how you found that thread. I look at my own profile and I see only as far back as 2021 on "Find latest posts". I'm very obviously not an outside researcher. I've made over 1600 posts here and have been here since 2006. If I've offended someone, I'm sorry. This was a good faith effort, and nothing more.

[Lacey New]

Personally I love seeing data like this. I know that this is a limited sample but I appreciate the effort. I would love to see a larger sample that does a deeper dive into the prevalence of cross dressing although I don?t think that one will ever get done because there is little value in it except to the cross dressing community and many men would lie and deny it if asked. However, if you read the reviews of certain brands and styles of women?s panties on retailer websites, there are a lot of them written by men.

[JennyMay]

Well, I think,I may already be included but I’m a #6. I feel so sad for those whose wives are not accepting of this aspect of their partner’s identity.

[BLACK STOCKINGS]

I would say I am a 6+ - other half loves how I look dressed - I dress almost every day after work and she loves checking out my outfit of the day.

[April Rose]

I appreciate the effort, Julie. I am too old to expect to find another relationship, but it's nice to think that the odds of finding a healthy relationship might not be as bad as I have been thinking. At any given time, my late wife could have been in category 4,5 or 6.

Di, as far as I know, my late wife joined the fab forum just long enough to introduce herself, and read Posts. She told me it was reassuring to her that the site was so welcoming, and inhabited by by reasonable people.

[Di]

Thanks April I appreciate it.
We try our best to be welcoming and have a place the GGs can say anything.

Black Stockings that’s wonderful.

JennyMay I totally agree but there are some the CDs that demands this and that …..my way or the highway. But then that has to do with the CD is a jerk not cding.
Ok
I will stop interrupting.

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

My wife is totally supportive, clearly in group #6+. Always has been.

Wife welcomes me dressing en femme around her. She actively supports me by buying fem things, shopping, dinning out, or vacationing together as "girlfriends." She encourages me to dress when she sees any hint in my mood to dress.

We are deeply in love as a strait married couple, but we also have tons of fun being girls together when the need suits me.

[JesseVF]

I?m appreciative of being in the 5 category, and totally jealous of the 6?s!

[Aka_Donna]

Initial poster-- you have been asked a couple of times, but ducked a clear answer to the question. When was the start date of your "survey". It's not really a survey, but a counting of member responses about CD experiences. A parallel counting would be of interest by the moderaters of the FAB forum. My guess is that the percentages may vary.

[mbmeen12]

JulieC I personally think it is a great question and fun and again thought provoking. When I was in the military, I did trends research. So I just went to the search bar and bam, same question....that's all. Now your next question, has the data changed based on yearly moderation trends? As to the pathology of importance of privacy responses, but that can be another survey.
Cheers��

[sometimes_miss]

As one who went through a marriage back in the 1990's, I've been clandestinely dating while cautiously asking my dates about how thy felt about transgendered peoplel ( Bruce Jenmer/ Caitlin) now for many years(. So far no positive responses. OH, I understand. Hundreds of thousands of years, of evolutiion, making women more attracted to what are traditional male positive behaviors, vs our own Trans sexual gender selveseelves, and we find that women are simply not attracted to 'feminine' quality males, or any men who they perceive to be 'less than all male, all the time', men. ' While I am not happy about that response, I understand it. We don't get to choose what turns us on, or what turns us off. So I don't blame women, for simply not choosing us as mates. But that leaves us with no option; we aren't attracted to men, and women aren't attracted to us. So there's nowhere to go.
There are so few females out there, who are willing to accept us. that there just seems that there's no hope for us. It's a difficult to life to deal with. I know, I know, that the vast majority of women, simply find us repuslive as romantic mates, but I don't know what else to do.
Just spending the rest of my life, dating, and cautiously finding out that winding up that she is absolutely NOT interested in a guy who has less than 'all manly, all the time' feelings, leaves us with not much future at all.
While most here don't consider themselves transgendered, the simple desire to adopt feminine dress, behavior, and self identity is pretty obvious a demonstration of what at least our subconscious desires are trying to tell us.

[DanielleDubois]

One thing missing in this equation TIME , I have gone through all stages over time, from fully being accepted to DADT and finally being fully accepted to the point where I can leave the house dressed and stay out overnight. .

Debs, your comment is so true. The acceptance and support of Danielle by my wife has been an evolution. Depending when I would have answered this survey over the past 40 years or even the several years I have been on this forum my answer would be very different. In the beginning it was a total secret , then DADT, then acceptance and willing to see Danielle, back to discussing Danielle stuff but not wanting to see Danielle and in the last year being able to periodically do a Danielle fashion show for my wife. And who knows for sure but the level of acceptance could change again.

[ellbee]

I was surprised too but thought it would be higher.acceptance.
But I was thinking of all our FAB through the years that joined only to sort it out and understand.
( Hundreds and hundreds) I only remember two that I all these years that left over it and two out 300 or so is good odds.

Thanks for that, Di! :thumbsup:

And that's what I've basically concluded over the decades, that actual CD'ing in & of itself (barring extreme instances, of course)? It's not really a huge deal to many GG's, generally speaking.


However, that doesn't mean there probably aren't at least some aspects of it, that may be a bit worrisome/bothersome to a number of them, at least somewhere along the way?

Understandable with anything, really.

I suppose that may entail working thru that, on one end or another (or both!).



Anyway, as for the OP? I see nothing wrong with any of it.

I suppose, though, that one always has to take into consideration of who is providing answers -- and if there may be any personal bias *in that*, on the part of the CD'er, perhaps without even realizing it?

IOW, take *any* kind of results, no matter how "scientific" & "accurate" one may believe, with an appropriate-sized grain of salt.


Interesting stuff! :thumbsup:


And yes, the CD'er absolutely plays a role in how the wife/SO views the CD'ing.

No, not anywhere near 100%, unfortunately. But every bit can help, I believe. It's not always easy waters to navigate, but it's a journey worth taking, IMO! :)

[BLUE ORCHID]

Pretty much #4, We have a very workable DA/DT,

[Gi Gondin]

Hi everyone I'm going to have to open a new category 7 although I appreciate it may have very few members, this is for men with obsessively passionate wives who have instilled crossdressing as a permanent way of life. Anyone else like to join?

I’m living between a 6 and 7 in Julie’s scale. Not a full time CD but CD is regarded as permanent and not allowed to fade out. Pink fog is always welcomed and wished for.

Thanks for adding that point Amy.

[Lacey New]

As one who went through a marriage back in the 1990's, I've been clandestinely dating while cautiously asking my dates about how thy felt about transgendered peoplel ( Bruce Jenmer/ Caitlin) now for many years(. So far no positive responses. OH, I understand. Hundreds of thousands of years, of evolutiion, making women more attracted to what are traditional male positive behaviors, vs our own Trans sexual gender selveseelves, and we find that women are simply not attracted to 'feminine' quality males, or any men who they perceive to be 'less than all male, all the time', men. ' While I am not happy about that response, I understand it. We don't get to choose what turns us on, or what turns us off. So I don't blame women, for simply not choosing us as mates. But that leaves us with no option; we aren't attracted to men, and women aren't attracted to us. So there's nowhere to go.
There are so few females out there, who are willing to accept us. that there just seems that there's no hope for us. It's a difficult to life to deal with. I know, I know, that the vast majority of women, simply find us repuslive as romantic mates, but I don't know what else to do.
Just spending the rest of my life, dating, and cautiously finding out that winding up that she is absolutely NOT interested in a guy who has less than 'all manly, all the time' feelings, leaves us with not much future at all.
While most here don't consider themselves transgendered, the simple desire to adopt feminine dress, behavior, and self identity is pretty obvious a demonstration of what at least our subconscious desires are trying to tell us.

Yep. I can relate. Whenever the topic comes up it is clear that the whole notion is repugnant to her. That?s why my cross dressing has remained a secret.

[CDMargret]

Wow this is so neat. Cat 6 for my situation. I never would have thought the numbers to be that high.

[Christie ann]

Hi, #2 here.

Julie, thanks for compiling all this stuff, I can?t imagine reading every post to glean this stuff. Interesting results!

[Jane G]

. I'm surprised by your stats being in cat 4. I thought the rest of the world was worse off. Perhaps it's better out there that us old folk thought. Which considering how fortunate I consider my own position, being born in 1961, can only be a good thing. Stuff global warming for just a moment. There is hope for crossdressers too.:daydreaming: