My wife caught our 14 yo son crossdressing

[Quksilver420]

Hello groop this is my first post in many years. My wife knows about my crossdressing and really is repulsed by it. In the last few years I've dressed only a handful of times. I'm not very comfortable talking about it with her because I see the disappointment in her face. Long story short. Last night, my wife caught our son crossdressing. I was sleeping. She told me about it in the morning. It's always been a worry of mine that ,what happens if one of my kids has to deal with this. The only person who knows about me is my wife. I was never planning on telling my 2 boys. Just looking for a little advice/ support in this situation. Just a side note my wife did support him and told him he was doing nothing wrong also that she has dealt with this situation before with someone who she cares for deeply. He kept questioning who but she never told him.

[MoniqueAsh743]

I think first of all your wife handled the situation perfectly. It must be difficult to be concerned that your wife my equate 1 and 1 = 2. I think without ever being in that situation that it may pay for your wife to ask him what was the driver. It could be curiosity, desire or may even have other considerations. If it is other things such as trans thoughts for his mental state best to offer all support now. I think that there is a risk he may be too embarrassed to talk to dad. And it must be tough for you

[mbmeen12]

I'd talk to your son, man to man. Go for a walk with him, Tell him you love him and explain to him about the decisions of today could effect his in the future. Make him feel safe, ask him which pro nouns he wants to be address. Ask him if he needs a cousuler? Basically have the talk about STDs etc. Find out what is going on in school,. Your his father and be a good wingman.

[Mary Loo]

I find it interesting that your wife can be understanding and accepting with your son, but not with you. I suppose there are differences in the two situations.

I think if it were me, I would want to talk to my son and share my knowledge and understanding, but as a closeted cross dressers who has only shared my secret with my wife, I also certainly understand that you wouldn’t want to share that information with him. Seems you could still have a fruitful conversation with him and probe for feedback with leading questions saying you have read X or have heard X as reasons, etc. Far be it from me to give advice, because I am not you or knowledge enough or qualified enough to advise, but I am curious to hear more from you as the story evolves. Best of luck with the situation.

[Jolene Robertson]

I can relate your feelings as to how to handle it. I think your wife handled it well, also like Mary Loo it's interesting that your wife said that concerning your son but not OK for you. Before talking to him have a good talk with your wife about her feelings about having the talk, maybe have both of you talk to him and tell him at that time? Please let us know how it goes.

[Quksilver420]

The main reason it doesn't work for me is. We have a romantic and physical relationship. She is not attracted to a guy in a dress. And that is 100% ok. I hid it from her for the first 10 years of our relationship. Im the one who should have been more transparent.

[DianeT]

I think one of the reasons for the CDing being difficult for a SO is that she or he goes to bed with you. The CDing puts the SO's gendered role in the couple in question. If there was hiding for some time, it presumably caused additional commotion and trust issues that must be dealt with. Nothing like this with a son (and neither with strangers, which makes the NIMBY attitude very self-explanatory in my opinion, if you try to walk the SO's shoes).

[GretchenM]

Your wife handled the situation quite well. She supported him and told him the right things. But it must have been a bit difficult for her considering her husband does that as well. I recommend talking to your wife about your son's crossdressing and try to keep your crossdressing out of the conversation. Make it all about him. In short, develop a game plan. Nothing wrong with introducing the aspect that he will possibly want to do this more openly. But keep it in the context of his world and recognize that kids today much more freely and often openly express gender variant feelings and desires. Perhaps mainly emphasize that he needs to be safe with whatever he does because there are those that are completely intolerant of that behavior. He probably knows that, but be sure he knows that.

[kimdl93]

I think your wife has done all that should be done in the moment. Going forward the two of you should maintain the support without questioning. Your son is likely no more able to explain his interest that any of us could.

[Di]

Glad your wife supported him.
But important he is not made to feel
It is wrong - it’s not
Could be just experimenting- teen stuff
Nothing he needs to be ashamed of.
Please stress this ….
He needs to not feel shame or it being made a big deal.


I have a grandson that did something similar

[Shelly Preston]

Lots of good advice.

I hope your wife makes it clear you both support him. As your son may be worried about your reaction.

I suspect he may be more comfortable talking with your wife.

[CarlaWestin]

Well, you certainly don't need to jump into the insidious pronoun nonsense. All of you are still in the learning stage. He might be acting out as an escape from the pressure and mystery of manhood and puberty.
Let your wife take the lead on this as your son is obviously comfortable enough to talk to her. No need for you to disclose your proclivity to him.
You really don't need to make it any bigger than it truly is. If anything, it's a natural curiosity that he needs to explore and too much outside concern and involvement can be as detrimental as narrow minded ridicule.
And certainly DO NOT let his school get involved!

[jazmine]

338367
Well said Carla! Yes! This.

[Keremy]

You need to let your wife know that she deserves mad props for the way she handled it.

I agree with Carla 100%

I don?t what your relationship with your son is like but I suspect that your son will be more comfortable talking with your wife regarding cross dressing. I have a fantastic relationship with my dad but it is a manly relationship and I wouldn?t talk to him about cross dressing. With my mom I have spoke with her about cross dressing and I have even freely dressed in front of her. I know dad knows because she knows but still not going to talk to him about it.

For me I am a straight manly man that simply likes to wear girl clothes. My wife loves manly men cannot stand it that I like to wear girl clothes because she cannot comprehend that it doesn?t change who I am. I am still a straight manly man just wearing girl clothes.

Thanks for sharing with us and keep us posted

[Cheryl T]

At that age and with all the media coverage of events like the Bud Light issue and Drag Queens it's not surprising that someone his age might be curious and try it.
I'd not put too much emphasis on it. I'd discuss it and see what his thoughts are. Perhaps it's just curiosity, perhaps it's a Halloween thing.
Talk to him and don't freak out. Don't make him feel it's taboo, perverted or any of the other degrading things people have made us feel in the past or you might just drive him into hiding rather than open communication.

[Pantyfan]

First thought, I think he is too young to be burdoned with knowing about your dressing. I remember being that age, he is figuring out his interests and identities. And talking about some interests with your dad that young would be awkward and unwanted, even if the relationship is great. This generation is different than before, most 10 year olds have seen porn much more graphic than any of us saw at 25.

I would tread lightly, it doesnt need to be spoken about, but it may need boundaries if things escalate. Teenagers love privacy, and its often good to give it to them.

[Robbiegirl]

Wow this is one situation I really need to think about. Can you possibly supply a few more details ?

How did she catch him ? Did she enter his room without warning ? Did she already suspect something was up ?

What exactly did she catch him wearing and were any of the items hers ?

Thanks and best of luck

[Quksilver420]

About 2 weeks ago she found one ove his school polos cut up. He told her that he made a skirt. When he got caught it was around 2 in the morning and she heard a lot of rustling and was just telling him he needs to be in bed. She said all the items he made. Also that his reasoning and mine are very similar. I still have a hard time with myself.

[Robbiegirl]

Thanks ! Hmm So no female underwear was invloved !

Very impressive that he made most of the items !

[Dutchess]

Well, you certainly don't need to jump into the insidious pronoun nonsense. All of you are still in the learning stage. He might be acting out as an escape from the pressure and mystery of manhood and puberty.
Let your wife take the lead on this as your son is obviously comfortable enough to talk to her. No need for you to disclose your proclivity to him.
You really don't need to make it any bigger than it truly is. If anything, it's a natural curiosity that he needs to explore and too much outside concern and involvement can be as detrimental as narrow minded ridicule.
And certainly DO NOT let his school get involved!


I also agree with Carla 100% do NOT keep talking about this it will embarrass him badly . Let him find his own way , there's enough outside pressure on kids already . .. kids do not want to talk about this with their parents. If he can with your wife , fine but leave it at that .
Not everyone is "trans" or "on the spectrum " etc that wears women's clothing .


Mom of 6 here: 4 boys , 2 girls 22-40




What exactly did she catch him wearing and were any of the items hers ?

Thanks and best of luck

Come on dude , really ??? here ???

[NancySue]

I, too, think your wife handled the situation very well. I wonder how long your son?s been crossdressing. Probably longer than you know. Curious, what was he was wearing when caught?your wife?s clothes, lingerie? I think you should tell your other son. Eventually, he?ll find out. If nothing more, your honesty will be respected. This experience could also open your wife?s acceptance of your dressing. Be honest. It worked for me. I?ve dressed for years, but I mustered up the courage to tell my wife before we wed. Surprisingly, after many long talks, reading, etc., she accepted it and is very supportive and helpful. Thank goodness, she has an open mind and a great sense of humor. She?ll never understand and teases me about my love and enjoyment of underwires, hose, etc. Go slowly. I wish you the best.

[chelyann]

carla is right, i would not say a word to him about it let your wife do the talking, im afraid if you say anything he will be embarrassed and shut down, and if there are other issues they may or will get buried and may cause problems down the road.
( just my 2 cents )

[Debbie Denier]

Some good advice given here. Your wife has handled it impressively. When I was much younger.My dad accidentally found my fem clothing and high heel shoes. It was obvious the shoes weren?t my mothers due to their size. I did not have any sisters. It freaked him out, never ever talked to me about it. My mother challenged me on his behalf. I confessed they were mine. My mother confiscated the items .Put it down as a teenage phase I would grow out of . Never saw the clothing again. When I came out to my mother 12 years ago. She told me she kept the pantyhose/ tights . The rest of the items were given away.. Being a macho ex military man, my father couldn?t handle the thought that his son could be a sissy.

[Gillian Gigs]

CarlaWestin, you hit this one out of the park. Quksilver420, just about anything you say can, or could be taken wrong by your wife and make matters worse. She has been handling this rather well so far. CD'ing is not something that any son would want to talk to his dad about. Communicate your feelings with your spouse, maybe she will soften up regarding your CD issues. Personally I doubt it, but there is always a chance.

To Robbiegirl, what the heck are you thinking, those are not important issues for any reason.

[docrobbysherry]

Totally disagree with many comments here! Boys his age r dealing with puberty. And, altho things r different from when I was growing up, boys around 13 start bullying and picking on "wimpy" boys!:thumbsdn:

I would definitely speak with him because he may naturally try to please and emulate u!:thumbsup:

In private tell him u know and ask if he wishes to talk about it? If not, tell him yourself there's nothing wrong with him. And, while not telling him about yourself, mention and ask how he plans to deal with his friends and other kids at school? That HAS to be bothering him. Your SO can't adequately address what a teen boy goes thru the way u can!:straightface:

Robbie, I think I get your concerns. Because undies and nighties r your fetish you're worried it mite be for him, too? But, at this stage of his development what is or isn't a fetish is not something he'll want to talk about with his parents about!:doh:

[Fiona_44]

I would say that at some point the three of you would benefit greatly from seeing a therapist who is well versed in gender issues.

[DianeT]

Ugh. When my mother caught me at 12, it would really have scared me to be taken to a gender therapist with my parents. Like I did something really, really problematic. The mother did right to not make a fuss and support him. That is what my mother did (she also told me to not steal her things anymore). And no, I wouldn't have wanted to talk to my crossdressing dad about it (had I had a crossdressing dad). When you're a teen, parents' sexuality/intimacy is just gross.

[Suzie Petersen]

Calm down for a moment please. (ever noticed how telling people to calm down often gets them really excited instead?)
Some calm and good advice has been offered already, so read all the replies and sort out the good ones.
Carla's post stand out as being sound advice for sure, but several others have also offered good calm perspectives.

However, there are also some really strange comments/advice offered here that should absolutely be ignored!


Make him feel safe, ask him which pro nouns he wants to be address.
NO! he is 14 and playing with girls clothes, he is not saying he is transgender or wanting to start hormones next Wednesday!


Ask him if he needs a cousuler?
NO! Don't make this a problem.


Basically have the talk about STDs etc.
NO! Where on earth does that thought come from? He is playing with girls clothes, not being caught in a gay relationship. The fact a member here would even suggest this just baffles me. Maybe it is not so strange that wifes and friends ask that as the first question when they hear one of us admitting to liking to dress as women/girls, but people who actively take part in the discussions here on this forum, really! Good lord.


Find out what is going on in school
NO! This has nothing to do with school.

Some have suggested you talking to him about it. I agree with those who advise against that. Your wife seems to have a good head on her shoulders, and your son seems to be comfortable talking to her. Let her take lead on this for now and, if you feel it is appropriate, offer to help her with her responses since you likely have some more insight into this than she does. But no, do not approach your son about this, it could be hugely embarrassing for him. If your relationship with your son allows it, he will come to you if he feels like talking about it.
I would also suggest that your wife just leave it alone for now. If he needs some clothes, have your wife offer him something so he doesn't get into the bad habit many of us had at that age of taking/borrowing things that were not ours, but don't make a big deal out of it.

Some suggested disclosing this to your other son .... NO! Absolutely not, Jeezz! Oh .. and don't "warn" the neighbors either!

Calm down, "it is just clothes", right! Don't make a big deal out of this, certainly not at this point. If it turns out there is a need for a bigger reaction, you will know in time.

As several have said, youth these days have a much more relaxed view of gender presentation, and even if he turns out to have some confusion about all this, there is no reason to make a problem out of it. If he wants to present as a girl sometimes, so what! Isn't that how many here would like the world to turn?
If it is more than that, you will find out from him if you are good loving parents.

[Tip or Ozma]

Quicksilver,

Your wife handled the situation in a good way and I hope you let her know. I agree with Carla's suggestions and hope that you will check back with you wife before you start a conversation with your son. My father caught me (at age fourteen) dressed in my mother's clothing. It was never discussed in any detail after that.

Mina

[April Rose]

I think what it really comes down to is your relationship with your son. Is he used to you talking to him on a serious level, or would it freak him out? Boys going through puberty have a tendency to clam up, but it is not because they don't want to communicate. Often, when they do communicate it is with their mother, because they are wary of their father's disapproval.

I never knew my father, he was KIA in Korea. For that reason I idolized him as a war hero and wondered what he would think of having a cross dressing son. But I really had little idea what he would be like. My mother said that he was quiet, principled and read a lot. Probably for that reason I tried to make it clear to my son that he could talk to me about anything. Throughout puberty he was very uncommunicative. So it wasn't until I came out to him at 22 that he let me know that he had known I was a crossdresser since he was 14.

Fortunately for me, it was a nonissue for him. His generation takes gender fluidity as a right.

But the point is, this is an awkward moment for him. Even if he wanted to keep it between himself and his mother, she has already told you, so not mentioning it, while it may be less awkward for both of you, would still, in a way, be lying by omission . In every crisis there is opportunity. Handle the situation right and it will strengthen the bond between you. Handle it wrong and he may keep you at arms length when more dangerous situations arise.

I just realized that what I have said here isn't very comforting. I hope that you get something of a path forward from the entirety of the thread.

[mbmeen12]

Suszie, Suzie, Suzie it's just advice to ponder and your opinion falls short of not getting to the root cause. 1st The schools have become a inclusive hot bed. Good or bad but if it's there it should be discussed starting with the wife. Communication is so critical in ones relationship. The wife and husband need to get on the same page and support the son. Sure give him space but how in the heck do you know what's going/not going on in his school? It's super critical at the age and being supportive. It used to be called the Birds and Bee's conversation with your adolescent children. Suzie it's the 21 century and tera bytes being exchanged on a phone. Or do nothing and that too, is advice....

[CharlotteCD]

It genuinely scares me that somebody tries on a dress and immediately people are saying they should be talking about pronouns as if a dress means they're transgender.

This is exactly the problem that society sees with "us" as groomers who are trying to turn children trans.

We're supposed to be the educated and enlightened ones.

[CDMargret]

Calm down for a moment please. (ever noticed how telling people to calm down often gets them really excited instead?)
Some calm and good advice has been offered already, so read all the replies and sort out the good ones.
Carla's post stand out as being sound advice for sure, but several others have also offered good calm perspectives.

However, there are also some really strange comments/advice offered here that should absolutely be ignored!


NO! he is 14 and playing with girls clothes, he is not saying he is transgender or wanting to start hormones next Wednesday!


NO! Don't make this a problem.


NO! Where on earth does that thought come from? He is playing with girls clothes, not being caught in a gay relationship. The fact a member here would even suggest this just baffles me. Maybe it is not so strange that wifes and friends ask that as the first question when they hear one of us admitting to liking to dress as women/girls, but people who actively take part in the discussions here on this forum, really! Good lord.


NO! This has nothing to do with school.

Some have suggested you talking to him about it. I agree with those who advise against that. Your wife seems to have a good head on her shoulders, and your son seems to be comfortable talking to her. Let her take lead on this for now and, if you feel it is appropriate, offer to help her with her responses since you likely have some more insight into this than she does. But no, do not approach your son about this, it could be hugely embarrassing for him. If your relationship with your son allows it, he will come to you if he feels like talking about it.
I would also suggest that your wife just leave it alone for now. If he needs some clothes, have your wife offer him something so he doesn't get into the bad habit many of us had at that age of taking/borrowing things that were not ours, but don't make a big deal out of it.

Some suggested disclosing this to your other son .... NO! Absolutely not, Jeezz! Oh .. and don't "warn" the neighbors either!

Calm down, "it is just clothes", right! Don't make a big deal out of this, certainly not at this point. If it turns out there is a need for a bigger reaction, you will know in time.

As several have said, youth these days have a much more relaxed view of gender presentation, and even if he turns out to have some confusion about all this, there is no reason to make a problem out of it. If he wants to present as a girl sometimes, so what! Isn't that how many here would like the world to turn?
If it is more than that, you will find out from him if you are good loving parents.

THIS ^^^ ALL THIS ^^^. Such super great reasonable honest advice.

[CarlaWestin]

Well, you certainly don't need to jump into the insidious pronoun nonsense. All of you are still in the learning stage. He might be acting out as an escape from the pressure and mystery of manhood and puberty.
Let your wife take the lead on this as your son is obviously comfortable enough to talk to her. No need for you to disclose your proclivity to him.
You really don't need to make it any bigger than it truly is. If anything, it's a natural curiosity that he needs to explore and too much outside concern and involvement can be as detrimental as narrow minded ridicule.
And certainly DO NOT let his school get involved!

I've seen so much positive feedback I thought I'd add a little. My opinion is the product of understanding my own state of mind at that age with raging hormones and rapid body development. Then I tempered that opinion with the 54 years of mature adult life experience that sorted it all out for me. Carla is my primary indulgence and an activity that would be an impossible void to fill if gone. It's a practice, art form, reward, tactile and erotic experience. I've experienced being more dream women than most men even talk about. A therapist once told me that it was too much baggage to drag through life. I learned right there that most people get involved to push an agenda into a one size fits all conformity. There's only one group of people who are granted free rein to influence children. They're called parents. My parents and siblings no nothing about Carla except accusations made by my ex. I've personally owned this whole crossdressing adventure and my own non-sim life as being the total package. Good parents know that kids love candy and would be concerned if they had too much. Just let the teenage explorer find his own boundaries and learn to respect parental boundaries. Such as times when CD'ing just wouldn't be appropriate. Parental security and guidelines. It's just that simple.
It makes me sad to think I've met folks whose kids became addicts or basement dwellers. Boredom? Rebelion? It is that age.

[ShelbyDawn]

Definitely coordinate with your wife, but I believe you should talk to him.
Men and women process things differently, and your perspective and counsel will help provide a rounded base of information.
With my kids, their mom has always been the one to talk with them about how they feel. I've been to one to cover the practicality of the situation.
The kids need both to make it through, especially something like this.

Key thing though is to LISTEN to what he says without judgement. That alone can mean more than anything else, and just letting him talk through it, knowing he's not going to be ridiculed or chastised can work wonders.

[StacyG]

I'm thankful your wife handled it nicely. I'm 53 and still clearly see the image of my childhood kitchen and my mom's voice telling me "You're sick."

[marieclaire]

Firstly, I tell you: Children's anda teenager's curiosity is normal. Including trying on clothes for the opposite sex.
For example, when I was 12 I was curious to see girls at school starting to wear bras and I tried one of my sister's. That's one story, the fact that I enjoyed using it is another.
I don't know what your son's context was, but his wife was prudent. She didn't expose her crossdressing to him, probably so as not to influence him or to not complicate things further: it would be a lot of information to be caught by your own mother like that and still discover your father's "secret"...
At first, you should just monitor... if this happens again, you can talk to him again. It doesn't seem right to repress him, just as it shouldn't be right for him to wear other people's clothes (his mother's or sister's) without permission. Then I think you can help him with your experience.

- - - Updated - - -

I just posted two articles I wrote related to the subject on the forum. I apologize for the "overposting" but I found it interesting and important given the question posed in this thread.

[Lacey New]

What an interesting situation for you, your wife and both of your sons. The other answers have pretty much covered what I would say but I do not think you should share your situation with them. Maybe some long years from now but not while they are teenagers. Impossible for them to keep secrets. But you and your wife are a great couple to provide the right guidance for your son. You can distinguish between whether or not he is transgender or simply a vanilla heterosexual male cross dresser like so many of us. I can also see a bright spot. As your wife learns, loves and still appreciates your son, perhaps she will gain insight into your situation as well.

[ambigendrous]

I would advise against having a talk with the son - it's quite possible that he talked to Mom with the idea that it was a confidential conversation. If he finds out that she betrayed that confidence then he may very well shut down any further conversations. Better to stay in the background for now - Mom and Dad can certaily discuss the issues, but let Mom take the lead with the son, at least until the son says it's okay to talk to Dad.

[Richelle423]

Let it go?. Kids at that age are exploring. Kids will be kids. I wouldn?t pursue a conversation with your son just let him be. It could be a one time thing or something else.
I noticed that younger kids have incorporated styles from the opposite sex into main stream clothing.

[Debra Russell]

Soooo ................what he was wearing when "caught" was home made to emulat womans clothes ? not borrowing, purchased, or swiped off someones closeline? Seems a lot of fuss to make, maybe ask if he would like to borrow something more appropriate it's ok to experiment and not worth cutting up clothing ,,, curiosity is nothing to feel ashamed of. Just my two cents worth ...................Debra

[ClosetED]

You need to learn more for yourself. You can be a supportive parent, you might be able to say you learned more about this from workplace diversity training and other experiences.
I started at 11, so your child may have been doing it for years. I know I questioned my sexuality and had no place to read about this, so typical they would as well. There are data supporting a genetic component, so there might be that. "Caught our son crossdressing" doesn't tell much- wearing panties or dress, wig, makeup?
We are also here to help you. How you help your child may also help your wife and you.
Hugs, Ellen

[audreyinalbany]

my mom caught me trying on her under clothes when I was preschool age...she didn't make a big deal about it. she didn't think I was broken and she didn't call a therapist and that was in 1958

[Quksilver420]

Thank you everyone for the advice. Just a little update. I have not talked with my son about this yet. ( not sure im comfortable with it) like many have said when I was his age last person I would have wanted to talk to would be my dad. But I do have a lot of knowledge about the subject. When my wife told me she let it up to me whether I talk about it or not. Alot has been going through my head about it. I don't have time now to type all my crazy thoughts down but ill definitely keep you updated. Thanks again for all your advice. It gives me more to think about.

[Lea]

If your wife promised your son she would not tell you I would avoid talking to him.

In the future he may not be so open to talk to your wife.

[Kitty Sue]

@Lea:

This is a great point and one I agree with. Quksilver420 would it be okay with you and your wife if willing that she share with your son that you crossdress? IDK how that would go over in your family, but it may work. Its just a thought.

[Stephanie47]

When I was a young teenager it was the 1960's and I had feelings of inadequacy. Nobody talked about gays and lesbians or cross-dressing men who were dumped into the "gay" category. My parents were homophobic and I would have been beaten to death; verbally, if not physically. It is good your wife approached him in that manner. Your son may feel he had "let down" his father because he is "not manly;" whatever that may be these days.

I would not consider your son's action anymore than what it is, i.e., exploration. At best, perhaps your wife would tell her son that she knows her husband well enough that he would not be upset with him. Frankly, most kids know more than their parents give them credit for. The worst thing a parent can do is make a son think what he is doing is wrong. Your son is going to have a lot of angst trying to deal with his desires and needs. I would not have him run off to a counselor. However, somewhere a long the way he is going to have to realize secrecy is not good if he is in a serious relationship. Does that mean your wife will in some way suggest a woman should know of a man's need to wear women's clothing? Frankly, in my teen years there were no discussions in the public forum. Now? It's spread all over the front page and on the evening news. It's got to be difficult for any young boy to navigate through daily life.

[Bea_]

He's 14 so it's not like you don't have some time to move through this. For the most part it seems that it would be best just to continue to let him know you love him even if his exploration is never acknowledged.

It seems like any communications about the subject should be allowed to come as naturally as possible. I can't imagine that outside help would be warranted at this point. Your wife can take the lead in being sensitive to any developments and those can be addressed as needed. Just love him.

in the early 2000's I confessed to my then 20-something son that I'd never felt particularly masculine ever in my life. I never had the typical "man" interests. He didn't say anything at the time, but a year or two later, while on a hike together through the mountains, he told me that he'd considered my words and that I was the best man he'd ever known. That vulnerability on my part and his response was sort of a defining moment in our relationship. .

Both conversations with my son took place before I ever owned my own panties and he has no idea about my current alternative wardrobe. While I'd never felt masculine, I'd never acknowledged or explored the fact that I could be heterosexual/monogamous and still have strong androgynous/feminine aesthetic sensibilities. That's ongoing.

[pati.campi]

I would talk to him, and say there is nothing wrong about be curious or even to wear women clothes. It?s not the clothes who define us.

But, as said above, I would ask, by curiosity, what was the driver. This could open to lots of other conversations, and have your son trust is a gift for any father.

But, just have an open conversation to him.

Good luck!

[JohnH]

If I were in your shoes I would tell my son dresses, etc would be part of his clothing allowance. After all clothes are just clothes. If I go around wearing dresses in public I would certainly allow my son to do likewise. The only thing I would strongly advise him to wear his dresses as a MAN, just like his father.

John

[Karren H]

Times are changing. The number of boys that were dressed as princesses in my grandsons elementary school Halloween parade, yesterday, was impressive.

[char GG]

I agree with Karren. Gender roles in young people are not as defined as they used to be. It's ok for boys and girls to "blur the lines", including Halloween costumes.

[CharlotteCD]

Yes, gender roles are not what they used to be. But that doesn't mean every child that wears a princess dress is trans or needs alternative pronouns.

[Suzie Petersen]

Exactly, totally agree Charlotte.

There was something Quksilver420 said in post #18 that made me think about this a bit more:

.... Also that his reasoning and mine are very similar. I still have a hard time with myself.

Quksilver, I don't mean to put you on the spot, but can you elaborate on this a little perhaps?

In my first response I was quick to suggest to not overreact to this, and I still stand by that. But of course, any good parent should support their child no matter what (wishful thinking, I know), so if there is a deeper concern here, then you need to be careful how you deal with it.

This particular situation is also complicated by the fact that your wife has such a strong negative opinion about it when it comes to your own crossdressing, and I can certainly understand how that makes it difficult for you.
It is possible your wife will react completely different towards your son, and it is possible she will be more willing to learn more about what this is all about, which could make it easier for you two to talk about your situation, but it is hard to say.

[Karren H]

But that doesn't mean every child that wears a princess dress is trans or needs alternative pronouns.

True, but they have an easier right to choose if the decide to.

[Crissy 107]

Times are changing. The number of boys that were dressed as princesses in my grandsons elementary school Halloween parade, yesterday, was impressive.

I think this is quite impressive

[Heather76]

Totally disagree with many comments here! Boys his age r dealing with puberty. And, altho things r different from when I was growing up, boys around 13 start bullying and picking on "wimpy" boys!:thumbsdn:

I would definitely speak with him because he may naturally try to please and emulate u!:thumbsup:

In private tell him u know and ask if he wishes to talk about it? If not, tell him yourself there's nothing wrong with him. And, while not telling him about yourself, mention and ask how he plans to deal with his friends and other kids at school? That HAS to be bothering him. Your SO can't adequately address what a teen boy goes thru the way u can!:straightface:

I have to agree with Sherry on this. Offer your support and understanding. Tell him you are available to talk with him anytime he wants; but, do not insist he talks with you. Make sure he knows you love him and what he prefers to wear in no way affects that fact of life.

[Jamie001]

The best thing that you can do is to take your son shopping for girl clothes. It will be a great bonding experience. You could both dress and enjoy being girls.

[CarlaWestin]

Sorry Jamie. That just sounds like a selfish approach maybe best suited as a possibility later on down the road.

I do like Doc's observance that the males around the 14 yo are in that rowdy bullying stage. His environment also includes immature mean girls.
So, there needs to be an acceptance and awareness stance from the parents. How about an assurance that, even if they don't condone the behaviour,
they won't be going through his stuff or be trying to catch him in the act.

[AndreaOTK]

I'd talk to your son, man to man. Go for a walk with him, Tell him you love him and explain to him about the decisions of today could effect his in the future. Make him feel safe, ask him which pro nouns he wants to be address. Ask him if he needs a cousuler? Basically have the talk about STDs etc. Find out what is going on in school,. Your his father and be a good wingman.

I think this is a really good advice. I totally agree, based on my personal experience.

[CharlotteCD]

However the previous pages say that talking about pronouns and STDs are totally irrelevant at this stage.

[Samantha51]

I accidentally deleted my previous reply so I'll write a shorter one!

My parents never discussed emotions or awkward things in front of my brother or I. They never to my recollection showed feelings for each other, apart from arguing from time-to-time. In my teens I stumbled across my father's (who I had on a pedestal) bra and a p*rn mag. It shook my innocent world - I didn't know how to process that my father wasn't 100% as I imagined it - I'd never seen a twinkle in his eye or anything other than 100% "normal". It was later confirmed (in my 40's) when I was clearing out his shed after he passed. Was he having an affair? Were they a gift for my mum? Were they for him? I suspect this incident was a catalyst for my own crossdressing.

My point is that you may like to consider being honest with your son as the "loved one" your wife mentions. Very difficult, but the question will likely burn away in him - he will probably line up all the "loved ones" your wife knows. It's toxic. Once it's broached you can both have mature conversations about it and you can explain your perspective, the pros and the cons. Being in a vacuum with nobody to talk to is a very lonely place to be - as most of us here can probably testify.

I'm not suggesting you encourage or discourage him, just suggesting you have the conversation.

Good luck!

[char GG]

I don't think you should leave this entirely up to your wife. You know more about CDing that she does. It would seem that you have a better understanding of what he is feeling.

Perhaps, both of you should talk to him so he can get a full perspective from a CDer's viewpoint and the CDer's wife's viewpoint.

[Stephanie47]

If a father is going to get into a conversation with his teenage son two points have to be addressed; self acceptance and dealing with society. How long did it take for any of us to accept ourselves; assuming you have, and, dealing with the problem of acceptance by others. Yes, high school with its social media bullying can be brutal. If a son is in a period of self-exploration he should be encouraged to express himself in the privacy of his home; whether in his private space or the communal areas. I have to assume he has access to the internet where there are confusing messages. There are tasteful websites that may help him realize "he is not alone." He may have already found this site.