Reflections

[Samantha51]

I found this site yesterday after a torrid couple of months discovering CD (moving on from occasional furtive pantie borrowing). I read a huge number of posts from this site yesterday and was given a sobering up compared to Reddit crossdressing froth, mostly about expectations and particularly https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?12890-Now-I-Like-It-Now-I-Don-t. I realised I've been "bulldozering" my wife. You gals helped out with all that yesterday.

I've decided to let my body hair grow back and my wife was happy about that, even though I explicitly said I'm not making a promise to not remove it again. It's bloody itchy and I'm missing something in my technique. I DO like my body when it's smooth but it's very important that my wife is not put off by stubble - we like our cuddles nearly every night in bed.

Last night my wife and I had a night in front of the TV without her distracted by work. We sat on the same sofa (we regularly sit apart) and I massaged her toes and legs (I'm good at massage, I massager her all the time mostly in bed). We just watched normal TV, CD didn't come up. Then early to bed and we enjoyed our time together. All very nice and healthy.

This morning I'm journalling and reflecting upon the previous thought that I might be bi-gender or gender-fluid which was based on enjoying extended periods dressed and imagining being a woman more and more. I cannot be a woman, I have not had a lifetime with a female body or experiences to mould a woman. All I can do is create a facsimile of a woman with external stuff and working on my behaviours to be less of an arse. I have never felt a distinct woman inside me, I've tried to let her come out. I DO have softer "feminine" TRAITS, more visible than masculine men trapped in the roles society has given them. But I don't, at this time, feel there's a distinct woman. I'm also very happy with my manhood - no hating of my man's body.

I HAVE enjoyed dressing up in my limited way, had a real sense of peace and of "gender euphoria" when I see myself (not progressed to makeup or wig yet) but I'm wondering if this is "just" a reaction to missing things from a gray 1970's childhood with a depressed mother, a preoccupied father and a mildly bullying brother. I wrote "I like and admire feminine traits. Perhaps it is just an escape, an escape towards getting more love (from my gray childhood onwards), more attention, more safety, more comfort, more belonging, working together, less loneliness and fear, etc".

So I'm wondering to myself if CD real for me or a way of accepting and integrating my female traits into a rounded "me". Not macho BS. Not a "fragile" woman like my mother. A strong integrated "me".

I suspect CD IS real for me, but as ever it brings me back to the "where can CD go in my life?" question. The list below leads one level to the next, and I can so easily see me "bulldozering" any boundary we might agree (as so many here testify), as the need to live authentically grows and the buzz diminishes. I know this list is ridiculous and a dream and most likely unachievable if I want to keep my marriage. I know that! I know that ALL of this needs to be negotiated. It might all disappear anyway when I get back to work.

Solo CD

under-dress regularly (daily). This is also a defensive F-U to internalized societal norms dragging me to "normality". This I'm doing regardless.
dress when WFH (wife out at work).
fully dress (bra, makeup, wig) occasionally at home - private when she's out, but not hiding it if she comes in.


CD at home with my wife

be dressed sometimes in front of my wife at home - just normal times.
fully dressed at home occasionally - including bra, makeup and wig.
dress in a nightie in bed with my wife
occasionally dressed during sex, role reversal or whatever.


Occasional As Couple - this is occasional, the norm would be as a normal husband and wife couple

go out shopping
go out shopping and a meal and show with my wife
short breaks dressed



Thanks for all the help and wonderful posts.
Samantha x

[char GG]

It appears that you have given your relationship and life a lot of thought. Good for you. I wish you and your wife all the best.

[Crissy 107]

Samantha, I would like to echo what Char said. There will be bumps in the road, we all know that, but if you continue to see how your wife feels that will be a good step forward for you both.

[Samantha51]

It appears that you have given your relationship and life a lot of thought. Good for you. I wish you and your wife all the best.


Samantha, I would like to echo what Char said. There will be bumps in the road, we all know that, but if you continue to see how your wife feels that will be a good step forward for you both.

Thanks Char and Crissy. It's a huge roller coaster and I'm SO very pleased I've found this forum, so much support and wise words as much from SOs as from CDs. I have received an education about being a woman this morning from https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?269801-Ask-a-GG-Three. Not something I've picked up from being a son, a husband or society at large in 56 years.

I went out for lunch thinking "I'm not a CD, just someone fed up with how drab men are" and some lofty thoughts (having not dressed since Sunday) and came back and I'm straight into in my only clothing (knickers, sarong and a simple vest) - go figure! Comfortable.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Samantha :hugs:, It sounds like you have it pretty well Figured out, >Orchid**0:daydreaming:0**

[docrobbysherry]

I'm curious if the "thrill" u receive from dressing has sexual elements?:o

And, if so why u didn't mention that? Denial and guilt often come along with CDing at first, at least!:straightface:

[JenniferR771]

Sherry is right.
And be sure to understand your wife's point of view--not just your own.
She married a man--she wants and expects manly things. Treat her extra nice. She deserves your respect and understanding.
Maybe even help out around the house.
Think how you would feel if your wife suddenly decided to wear skivvies, cut her hair and use hormones to grow a moustache.

[Samantha51]

I'm curious if the "thrill" u receive from dressing has sexual elements?:o

And, if so why u didn't mention that? Denial and guilt often come along with CDing at first, at least!:straightface:

Sometimes, and it probably started as a sexual thrill. When I dressed as a teen it was definitely that way. Much less so now but still sometimes when I like what I see, or something. TBH I'm sitting here working in my home office and feeling pretty calm. It feels pretty "right" at this moment. I'm enjoying seeing my unaugmented "chest" in the vest.

Wondering if I should change back to male clothes before my wife gets home from work in an hour or so.

Since my post I've come up with this list (I am "full of it"!). Same list goes for any growth that is outside social norms?
1. "See" - See that I'm someone who likes CD - just observing, no judgement
2. "Accept" - Accept that I like CD - stop the self-hating
3. "Admire" - Admire that I like CD, something different, strength to (even if just privately at home) to challenge social norms
4. "Love" - Learn to love this part of myself.

Probably a load of nonsene :doh:

[Stephanie47]

The like the term "bulldozing" when it comes to describing one's interactions with a wife and her husband's cross dressing. Not all that long ago there was too much promotion of "creeping along" when it came to trying to gain some degree of acceptance of a wife. Maybe it's the difference between a slowly arising flood and a tsunami for some, and for others it is always going to be non-acceptance, i.e., a dry desert. One shortcoming of this site is the lack of participation of wives who are in the totally non-acceptance category. The only insight one gets is the reporting of what the husband perceives is on the mind of his wife.

[Samantha51]

Really? I thought there was a good deal of balanced writing on the "Loved Ones" forum. I was really struck (admittedly of accepting SO) of https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?269801-Ask-a-GG-Three thread. I have learned a lot of humility the last couple of days. The r/crossdressers_wives is also pretty good, with it's easy access (no membership).

[Karren H]

After reading your post, it seems to me it is way easier to be in a DADT relationship! But that?s just me, not a big fan of having to negotiate everything with She Who Must Be Obeyed! Lol.

[Samantha51]

I've learned a degree of humility and patience yesterday but a large part of my general problem is being a huge people pleaser (they might laugh at my efforts), always trying to second guess what others want. To my detriment. RSD comes in here - I hate conflict and seeing disapproval, disappointment, etc on peoples faces and seek to avoid it. All that crap is what I'm trying to reject and is why I will balance my SO's needs with my own growth. I hope to find a good balance.

[Mary Loo]

Samantha,

I feel compelled to respond after seeing several of your posts now.

There are some similarities between our situations, but of course, not with other things.

I am 57, and started young. Mostly sexual and just fun in adolescence and I was a size that my mom and older sister’s clothes essentially fit, but it was mostly just clothes and no other accessories. Never really took it to another level and only dabbled for decades, sans college years where it was dormant due to lack of opportunities.

My favorite boards here are The Loved Ones and the Ask a GG, for the very reason that it gives a healthier perspective and forces us to view ourselves in the eyes of our Loved Ones (apt name). It was really only about a year and a half ago that I started to truly crossdress by adding my own clothes, a wig, forms, jewelry, shoes, etc. after I had found and joined this site. It is easy to get caught up in the fantasy and falsehoods that Aps and sites like FaceAp and Reddit can generate. Flickr can be both an extreme as well as good. I very quickly stopped looking at Reddit when I realized how many altered photos there were and no real perspective of keeping it real and female perspective. FaceAp I still use for fun and slightly anonymity when needed, but know it is unrealistic depending on how you use it.

I am completely heterosexual and have never felt like a woman trapped inside my body or have had any desire to transition. I love my life as a male and really don’t have any gender dysphoria, but none of that changes my enjoyment for cross dressing. The sexual part of it initially died down as I jumped feet first into more emulation and the whole nine yards of cross dressing, but is still quite prominent these days. I too, struggle with these “goals” or list as you generated about what might be fun or strive for, but my wife still struggles with me and the changes in the last year and a half and realistically I am content with up to 2 on your list. Dress at home on my own and during WFH days, but no longer ever dressed in front of my wife in ANY way. Nor potentially ever leaving the “closet” or house.

I most definitely “bulldozed” her early in my escalation when I sought out this site and now we are trying to settle and openly discuss the situation to keep things suitable and maintain our extremely successful and happy 30 year marriage going strong. I have never struggled with depression nor been unemployed for any real length of time, though I can empathize with both.

My whole point of responding is to say I think there are a lot more people out there, like me, but who are not as vocal or active in forums like this. As it is I frequently limit myself from responding in order to honor my wife’s wishes that I don’t put myself out there too publicly.
It is easy to get caught up in it and that can skew one’s perspective and force a YOLO and FOMO attitude to desire more. I like to read this site and live vicariously through others, but that doesn’t mean I have to go full tilt and emulate their lifestyles. It can stay as somewhat fantasy land for me and I am mostly okay with all that.

Thanks for some interesting reads and threads by you. I wish you the best in your potentially long, and slow, but also potentially rewarding journey.

[bridget thronton]

Welcome to the forums and thank you for a very thoughtful post