Ethical or not!

[sparks]

I was out with my daughter Sam today. It finally turned nice and I decided I just needed some new DVD's and they had some cheap Lon Chaney silents at the Bargain store. So wondering around I spyed all the cute lingerie and there was a hot Bra and panty set. I felt like a old perverted geezer just looking at them.
Anyway there was an inner struggle to buy or not cause my daughter was with me. I coulda lied and said they were for mom but I really don't want to get into that. Be truthful is what I want to be for now on. My daughter is young and would not understand the whole cding thing but I don't want to mess her up with this stuff either.
So is it OK to purchase my frillies in front of the kids or not? I can't decide and know my wife would disapprove entirely. So no new floss for me.
Any of you girls have trouble like this?

[Kimberley]

I think you did the right thing, both for your daughter's sake and your wife's wishes. You can always go back later.

Hugs
Kimberley

[Jamie M]

this is a hard decision to make for any parent , but my gut reaction on this one is all i have to go on . Until you can be upfront with her and tell her all that is going on, i would have to say keep it from her , do not go shopping for your frillies in front of her .

Only you as her parent can judge when is the right time to be completely honest with her but until you do , keep it under your hat . I know i'm not the best to give my opinion , not being a parent and all but that's my gut reaction , hth :)

[Lauren Richards]

Ethics is about making the right decision, which is not always what you "want" to do. Ultimately, however, making the ethical decision is the right decision, and not giving in to emotional & temporary wants can be the biggest gift we can give our families, and ultimately, ourselves.

As a parent, there are many things we do not do in front of our children, and things we protect our children from each day. That's what parents do. We also determine when they are old enough to handle more an more of the reality which they will need to deal with as adults.

I think you answered your own question by not making that special personal purchase. Trust yourself. Youu don't really need us to validate, but if you want, yes, I think you did the right thing. Bravo!

Lauren

[Nlenro-nu2]

Hi! I'm Nlenro-nu2, although I'm not a parent.. You should've let your daughter know the truth. Give her the choice. Explain things. Hiding things or Having secrets tend to come out in the most devastating ways some time. There's a TV soap that was started by A Sadie and Sam Bennett. they did write themselves into the program. The main theme behind the program is Secrets come out and hurt! If you're a watcher of it
You know I'm referring to Passions! Telling the truth isn't always easy but it's always the wisest thing to do even if seems to be otherwise! I made the big mistake of staying a male when I hated most of it. I see no benefit
in being a male and now I'm 56.. probably too late for me to actually get a gender change. So I've become a crossdresser.

[626]

Only you know your daughter well enough to know if she'd be able to handle it or not, but I think you made the right choice in not purchasing them in front of her. I know I've seen things I wanted when I was out with others and if I want it bad enough I just go back and get it later.

[kwebb]

Again, there must be something inherently wrong about CDing.

If not, whats the issue.

Why did you feel perverted. Unless we really are?

[Jillian310]

I don't think the issue is "they" dealing with our wold, it is we dealing with "their" world. Most of "they" do view us as perverted. Ergo, if we expose our loved ones, and most especially young children to "our" world, it should be expected that they will be influenced by the larger body of opinion. We shield our children and some of our extended families from many less sensitive issues, let alone one as volatile as cross dressing. The accepting SO's are few and far between. So, to be direct, should one purchase undies in the presence of our children, I say an emphatic "no". This is merely one of a zillion things we don't expose our children to. Later on in their lives, perhaps a different course would be met with more acceptance. But only perhaps. In essence, the issue is not are we perverted, but are we viewed as perverted. Apply your own judgement and experience to formulate an opinion!

[susiej]

Again, there must be something inherently wrong about CDing. If not, whats the issue. Why did you feel perverted. Unless we really are?

Kwebb, I suspect you are not a parent yourself, or you would not have said this. There are a *lot* of things that aren't wrong, but that would be incredibly harmful to do in front of the kids. Sex, for example. Or, deciding what to do about an alcoholic relative. The issue is that younger kids are not ready to understand and/or deal with tough choices, painful decisions, and agonizing trade-offs that adults have to make. They can't evaluate the whys of our more bizarre actions, and can only react with dismay and confusion to the whats.

Your crack about "perverted" is misguided. What is the classic example of a "pervert"? The guy in the park who whips open his trenchcoat and flashes himself to children. Society defines that behavior as perverted precisely because he is exposing children to something that they are not ready for. The same behavior at midnight on a Las Vegas stage plays to totally different reviews.

Sparks, you did the right thing. Some day when the kids are grown, you'll be able to share your other self with them. Or not. But right now, your other self is a burden they simply don't need.

Hugs,
Susie

[Penny]

Wise choice!

[danadoll]

I don't think you should feel bad about yourself ! it's only natural to want. you are a good parent, by putting your daughter first ! your time to shop will come. Just think someday you might be able to go out shopping dressed with her ! I shop dressed with my daughter, but she's a little older, and very cool with me being Dana.

[Lindahexi]

I think it best not to purchase in front of the kids, they probably wouldn't attach any signifcance to it, but might inocently mention it in conversation with people that you'd rather didn't know. If you had lied to your daughter and said they were for mom, she may have told mom and then you would have some awkward explaining to do.

[kwebb]

Kwebb, I suspect you are not a parent yourself, or you would not have said this. There are a *lot* of things that aren't wrong, but that would be incredibly harmful to do in front of the kids. Sex, for example. Or, deciding what to do about an alcoholic relative. The issue is that younger kids are not ready to understand and/or deal with tough choices, painful decisions, and agonizing trade-offs that adults have to make. They can't evaluate the whys of our more bizarre actions, and can only react with dismay and confusion to the whats.

Your crack about "perverted" is misguided. What is the classic example of a "pervert"? The guy in the park who whips open his trenchcoat and flashes himself to children. Society defines that behavior as perverted precisely because he is exposing children to something that they are not ready for. The same behavior at midnight on a Las Vegas stage plays to totally different reviews.

Sparks, you did the right thing. Some day when the kids are grown, you'll be able to share your other self with them. Or not. But right now, your other self is a burden they simply don't need.

Hugs,
Susie


Sorry if the "crack" offended anyone. He said he felt like an old perverted geezer, probably reflects my own mind state right now. Nope, I don't have children. Which is a whole nother issue with alot of differing perspectives among CDers. But sorry I offended you.

[Clare]

Ethics is about making the right decision, which is not always what you "want" to do. Ultimately, however, making the ethical decision is the right decision, and not giving in to emotional & temporary wants can be the biggest gift we can give our families, and ultimately, ourselves.Yeah! Well stated!

Since it is apparent that your Daughter doesn't already know, letting her discover something like crossdressing from her Dad in a public arena would be a bit much to accept wouldn't it? I think it wise to refrain from such suprises!

There is a time and place for everything. If you feel the need to tell you Wife and Daughter, do so privately.

Oh, you can always go back and buy your frillys later too.

[TGMarla]

Be truthful is what I want to be for now on......I ...know my wife would disapprove entirely.There's your answer.

[Crisack]

Sorry if the "crack" offended anyone....
No offense here! I thought it was funny. It seems to be an underlying theme with some CD'ers. Guilt imposed by society doesn't necessarily mean there's ACTUALLY something wrong with you. If you act like something about you is wrong, what's everyone around you gonna think?

I have run into the same problem with my daughter. Out somewhere and find something on sale... always sucks! I have bought a dress in front of her but it was around x-mas so it was easy to explain. Of course I believe a parent is more qualified to determine what is right for their child, not an anonymous board. Advice is a good thing but only you know your child. If anyone tells you that you're a bad parent for telling your kid you CD, tell them to take their morals and stick it in the closet with the rest of their life.

[Julie Avery]

My opinion is that, for married CD's, decisions regarding the extent, if any, of the childrens' exposure to a parent's crossdressing should be taken jointly by both parents, after careful discussion.

This is a case where unilateral disclosure by the CD affects an extremely vital interest of the non-crossdressing partner without their having had any say in the matter. I can't think, really, of a more vital interest that a crossdresser could run afoul of, than their partner's interest in the way his or her children are raised.

I'm not saying don't disclose to children in a marriage. I'm just saying, don't do it without consulting and coming to an agreement with the other parent.

It sounds as though, in your case, if you're "reading" your wife correctly, this would mean not disclosing, as I think Marla suggests in an earlier post in this same thread.

[Sandra]

You don't say how old your daughter is but as a parent I think you did the right thing, when and if she is told and if she is accepting then ok. We told our daughter when she was about 14 and she is behind Nigella totally and yes she goes shopping with her and even borrows a few items of clothing :).

As for feeling like "perverted old geezer", don't talk so daft what is wrong with looking at ladies undies ina shop even if you have got your daughter with you?

[Phoebe Reece]

My children grew up from infants to adults knowing about my crossdressing. That was the result of a carefully thought out joint decision between my wife and I. In our case, that worked out fine. Our daughter is 30 and our son is 26 and neither have ever had a problem with it. That said, until and unless you and your wife decide to tell your daughter, it is better not to put yourself in a position where you have to lie to your daughter about something you are purchasing.

[Stephanie Kay]

Sweetheart,

I know you did the right thing. Teen girls are usually very embarrassed about this. And Mom's are very protective of their daughters. I told my teenage daughter about Stephanie because she did the laundry in our house and I decided to wear only panites as underwear and had to tell her she would find another size panties in the laundry. She rolled her eyes and told me she never wanted to see me dressed. I respect that. Also NEVER lie to your family. It will only make you feel bad until you tell the truth and will make everyone else feel bad when they find out they were lied to! Don't risk alienating your family with lies!

Love,
Stephanie

[Julie Avery]

I disagree with this idea that "lying to my children about my identity as a crossdresser" is morally wrong.

[Cheery GG]

No No No No No No No No No No No No...............

[Karren H]

Do what I did, give them $10 each and send them to Hot Topics!! Works like a charm but you end up spending more!!! LOL

Love Karren

[sparks]

Thanks for all the replys! Its seemed I did the right thing and I guess I really knew that! I jsut needed to discuss it. My daughter is only three but everything about the situation just seemed wrong. So I waved good-bye as usual to all the things I wanted so much to wear. Not just the undies either. Oh well. Being a good parent is so difficult.
I find alot of the cding stuff kinda bothersome cause it just sticks in my head so much. I try to be both a good parent and a good husband but often feel I accomplish neither cause of my desires for wanting to look feminine.
Silly huh! I've only recently stopped asking the why question but still dealing with the guilt issues.
I'm very proud of myself for the handling the whole shopping situation. PAT PAT. Though stll feel guilty for wanting to. Welcome to my Brain people.

[EricaCD]

If you decide to tell your kids, I guess I can respect that (though IMHO 3 years is too early and could well lead to unintended results). But telling her just to make it easier to buy stuff for yourself seems like a clear no-no. The paramount responsibility for any parent is to do what is best for the CHILD, not for the parent. That rule does not change for CDs.

EDIT: Oops. No lecture needed - you beat me to the post. Good for you!

[CharlaineCadence]

Telling children is a very hard choise it is also a choise that is for bouth mother and father to make. The when and how and what age is always going to be questioned but it has a great deal with how they have been rised so far. My gf told he daughter that I am becoming a woman and that I will be doing alot more girlly things. She also told her that their is notheing wrong with me but i was just born differently then my brain and emotions. She is 7 years old and most understanding her dad also was in agreence with her being told. I live pritty much full time now except for when i go to work. But I am finally happy and supported but friends and family. I also need to say that the child was raised to be open minded and that their was nothing wrong with people who are different. so i say you did the right thing and in time you and your wife can tell her

[sparks]

Just to clarify, my daughter is only three years old and I was not going to come out of the closet. I was just tempted to purchase femme cloths in front of her and was frustrated that I knew I should not but still wanted too.
My heart got infront of my head for a few seconds. Moral dilema and head won! All in split seconds as well! I just posted this to see if any other girls had come across situations like this and what did they do.
My fault I posted the thread and walked away. Another story for another time.
And the perverted geezer comment I made refers to those poor drab souls that lurk by the panty section that look as though they have waited their hole life to by a pair of panties and still can't. They may not be perverted but ya never know. Just my attempt at humour.
So how about girls made any purchases infront of the kiddies or did you make like this poor drab soul and keep on truckin'. Share a tale or two.

[carol ann]

No don't tell them until a stage is reached when your wife, using her judgement, tells you that now is the right time. Your judgement on this matter will NEVER will the rational one because you are too emotionally involved on every front.