A CD'ing induced breakthrough

[CharlotteCD]

It seems that most GG's share the opinion that it isn't the CD'ing that hurts as much as it is the deception, lying, or omission of the truth that actually hurts the most.

That certainly seems to be a big part of it for my relationship, what with my binge eating disorder and crossdressing, both of which are secretive and hidden from my wife. It's historically been an issue that I hid these things.

I've been doing a lot of work on myself this year to ensure my mental, physical and financial health are all in a better place than they have been in the last 3-4 years. Part of this has involved exploring the secretive side of myself, and the reason that I highlighted this was BECAUSE of the whole "getting caught" part of my CD'ing.

Part of working on myself has been to apologise and try to start again with a clean slate. The recent comment from my wife about my femme knowledge has also been part of me being honest when the subject is mentioned - I am willing to have the discussion and accept that side of me rather than squirming in my seat about it.

So last week I came clean about a couple of (for us) small purchases that I had made and not disclosed, and whilst my wife was initially annoyed that once again I had not told her about something, she quickly came around and accepted that I was trying to clean the slate, start fresh, be open and honest etc.

That honesty and willingness to accept I had done something without considering her - and that I was trying to make things right - has seemingly led to a thawing of tension in the house. We haven't had the easiest past few months from a physical perspective, and it's improved massively since that point.




I know some will criticise and say "Well unless you have your clothes on display and tell her about everything you own, you're still not being honest with her", but this is the balance we have. My wife doesn't want to see what I own, because she doesn't want to visualise seeing me in any of these things. I am not buying new clothes etc, so I am not hiding purchases etc. I've not been dressing, so I am not lying if she has been out and asks what have I been up to.

If I start dressing again then I will have a new thing I need to be honest about, but right now I feel like I am earning the trust back in our relationship, and it is all thanks to getting caught crossdressing and understanding more about how it makes the female in the relationship feel.

[Diane P]

Charlotte, good for you for trying to take steps to make things better with your wife. I have no idea how long you've been CD'ing or how long you've been married, but these little steps sound like a good start toward making your wife feel better about your relationship.

[Sandi Beech]

It sounds as if you are making some steps in the right direction so good for you. It is worth trying.

Oddly, the honesty aspect never came up in our discussions, even with a therapist. My wifes number one issue is that for her it is embarrassing. Example. She could tolerate seeing me in shorts with my legs shaved, but if anyone was coming to the house she would throw long pants at me saying to cover up. That is very difficult to overcome, so I gave up trying.

It seems there is no magic formula that works for all. Everyone just like you must figure out their own balancing act. For some it comes easier than others because people are different.

Sandi

[kimdl93]

You are doing it right.

[Di]

Charlotte
This post put a big smile on my face.
Definitely a breakthrough.

[Cheryl T]

Bravo!
I too hid, for decades in my case.
Finally I just couldn't take all the deception and lies and came clean. I was willing to accept whatever consequences resulted.
It was the openness, communication and truth that set me free and in my case resulted in her acceptance. I just wish I had had the faith and strength to do it at the beginning and not cause her all the hurt and pain all those years.

Keep talking, be honest and open. Sounds like you're on your way.

[Stephanie47]

Whatever a husband and wife work out in their marriage is their own business. I hope you are able to mend the fences with your wife. I will ask, "What will happen if you ask your wife if it is alright for you to once again express yourself?" Personally, it would rack my brain if my wife asked me all the time what I was doing while she was away from our home; Or had to tell her of every feminine purchase I made. I really do not believe the word secrecy covers a situation when a wife clearly indicates she is not appreciative of cross dressing in her husband but also says do not involve me in it. That's the nature of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell." For a wife it must be nerve racking to always ask herself whether she can go home now when she is out as to not walk in on her husband doing his "thing." Yes, communication is a good way to resolve problems and issues, but what happens when one spouse gets all the concessions and the other is totally denied?

[Rhonda Jean]

Like Sandi, I don't know that honesty was our big deal. Communication, yes.

I always thought I was honest because I didn't hide any of my clothes, etc. If I really dug deep though, my honesty was situational. Not to make a doctoral thesis out of this, but I think I was honest about the things that would have been really difficult to hide, which was a lot. Beyond that, I think I kind of subconsciously weighed her tolerance level, and when I thought it was full, I backed off the honesty/disclosure thing. I felt like the big stuff was already out there anyway (and it probably was) and the remaining details didn't matter. What I actually did on my frequent trips out of town, for instance. She obviously knew I went and the broad purpose, but we just didn't talk details. That's what I mean by situational honesty. Fact is that in most cases, what I actually did on these trips would have been more acceptable than what she imagined I might be doing.

I have never and will never reach the level of transparency that some on here have. I don't think it's dishonest to not have a mind-reading billboard above your head displaying every thought. I think some level of "sanitized" is a good thing, on both sides. The big question is what is sanitized and what is dishonest?

[kimdl93]

RJ touched on an important point. I crashed a marriage (well perhaps two marriages) because of situational honesty and (I think) a lack of empathy. I suppose I was being dishonest with myself as well as my ex(s) and failed to even consider how my behavior impacted them. Both honesty and empathy can seem difficult but are necessary.

[docrobbysherry]

There's a downside to DADT that few here know about or talk about, Charlotte.:straightface:

When u know somethings going on with your partner but r afraid to discuss it deeply both parties may build up suspicion, distrust, and hostility! And, u may not even realize when it's happening to u. But, your partner may sense it and respond in kind!:sad:

[Crissy 107]

Around 10 years ago when my interest in crossdressing came back with a vengeance I had the talk with my wife. I have mentioned this before but things were VERY good in the beginning. Then at some point she changed her mind but that is for another thread.
Where I lost her trust was when I did not mention about this site to her, I knew she would not like it. Then she accidentally found out and was very upset. She accused me of lying, the lie of omission. I do not think even though it was now years ago that she ever got over it. I would like to think she has but I honestly do not know.
My point is that be upfront and honest with things, I do know that can be difficult but her finding out somehow will be worse.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Charlotte :hugs:, It sounds like you are heading in the Right Direction, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Kitty Sue]

All we can do Charlotte is try our best to do what we think is right in our respective lives. Communication can be hard, but is also vital and I think good communication relates to the level of honesty.

[alwayshave]

Charlotte, This is why I came out to my now wife early in our relationship. I knew I didn't want any issues that I hid something from her.

[GretchenM]

Honesty is a magic pill. And communication opens the door to exploring the feelings an action creates. My wife is much the same way about not seeing Gretchen as she says, "I can't unsee it." That sets a boundary. Be respectful of the boundaries and try not to do things that are far outside a set boundary.

I think you are on a good path that can affirm the love between you two. It takes time to repair hurts but most are repairable. It builds trust and trust is a strong feeling.

[CharlotteCD]

Ignore this.

[Bea_]

Around 10 years ago when my interest in crossdressing came back with a vengeance I had the talk with my wife. I have mentioned this before but things were VERY good in the beginning. Then at some point she changed her mind but that is for another thread.
Where I lost her trust was when I did not mention about this site to her, I knew she would not like it. Then she accidentally found out and was very upset. She accused me of lying, the lie of omission. I do not think even though it was now years ago that she ever got over it. I would like to think she has but I honestly do not know.
My point is that be upfront and honest with things, I do know that can be difficult but her finding out somehow will be worse.

I was as upfront as I knew how to be from the beginning of my dressing in my mid-fifties and my wife has seen the progression first hand for the most part. Since exploring the feminine world has been somewhat of a new, experimental experience for me, I've often tried things privately to see if I liked them before revealing things that often didn't fit my identity to my wife. Then there are other things that she shows a distaste for and I tend to express those things in my private time. So, I don't feel that it's my wife's prerogative to dictate or demand rights to approval for every decision or purchase I might make. I don't demand that from her.

As far as being on this site, I let her know fairly early on that I got on here. She didn't like it then and doesn't like it now. I try to be discreet and don't consider that to be dishonest. I dislike feeling like I need to hide things as much as she hates feeling that I hide things. It's not one sided. Ultimately, I'm slowly getting to the point where I'm realizing that her approval is not the final say in who I am or what i do. I try to accommodate her needs and wants as best I can but, if I have to become someone else to do it, it kinda loses it's value.

[DianeT]

When I am buying something, I just tell my wife what I am going to buy and when. This is part of the deal since the reveal (no secrets). I am merely informing her, but if something makes her not comfortable it gives her a chance to tell me and have a discussion about it (it didn't happen so far).

[Genifer Teal]

Imagine a wife who stays home to raise a family. She probably has little money of her own. Maybe little work experience. What earning potential would she have if the marriage went bad? How would she manage the kids and work? Where would she live?
Since the man is typically the provider he doesn't have to worry as much about shelter and his next meal, should the marriage end. He's got that covered. What does the woman have? ( yes, this is why alimony and child support exist) maybe no house and a greatly diminished earning potential.
Imagine betting your entire future (and financial well being) on someone just because they say "I love you"? Think about how much trust you are putting in someone else and their words. I know there's a lot more to it, but It's important to see the vulnerable position the woman typically ends up in. You could change your mind. At? Any. Moment?
(Not saying. You will, but you could. )
She doesn't think you will but every action you make can impact that balance. The moment she learns you are hiding something, thoughts may enter her mind. What else are you hiding? if this is your situation remind your wife often?
How much you love her and appreciate her and the relationship and children and whatever. the more she hears it the less these thoughts could Take hold.
I've thought of this from my own perspective.what if I met someone with a better house andvbetter everything and wanted to take care of me and all that? Could I give it up? I just don't know. I also see my sister going through a divorce at 60 and trying to figure out how to afford life. It's not easy. it's a balance. there is Good and bad on both sides.
This is my perspective on why hiding anything is bad because what else are you hiding?

[Debbie Denier]

Good luck with your breakthrough with your wife Charlotte. I dont think there is a one size fits all solution for everyone. As every person has different opinions and beliefs. Is honesty the best policy for everyone? I dont know for sure. In theory it should be and many that have been are reaping the rewards for being that way . Others are regretting the consequences. The price being a breakdown in their relationship or divorce.