Talking about the past

[Maria 60]

Yesterday my wife bought me a pink long sleeve flannel night gown, telling me she's tierd of seeing me freezing in the middle of the night in bed wearing those full slips and silk nighties. When I tried it on she just shook her head and told me that if someone would have told her 30 plus years ago that she would be buying her husband a pink flannel nightgown and he would be wearing women's clothes, she wouldn't have believed it in a million years.
She then asked me, how did this all come to be, if I remembered the first time I had a thought to put on something femine and how and what was the power in me to do it again and not being able to control it. How did I do it growing up in a small house living with my parents, sister and grandparents and nobody caught on or discovered this part of me.
I told her when I was young I thought I was very smart but when I think back boy I was very naive and seeing now what happened back then, I knew everyone knew but most of all believe nobody wanted to deal with it
I told her my first recollection of putting something on was when I was sharing room with my slob sister, there were pantyhose and slips everywhere. One morning I thought she left the house and there were a pair of biege sheer pantyhose I was dying to try on, I put them on and went under my sheets and was going to town with them when all at once she came in the room and looking for those pantyhose. After digging and she couldn't find them she came over to me and reached out her hand and told me to give her pantyhose back, I believe she probably thought I was masterbating with them more then wearing them. Whe she finally pulled the sheets from me, she just stood there frozen seeing me wearing her pantyose and fully erected, after what felt like an hour of her stairing at me she walked out of the room telling me the pantyhose are mine now, and till this day nothing has ever been said again.
Another time my mother was in the garden and I left my room to get something and she caught me in the stairwell wearing pantyhose and her red skirt, I ran off and she was asking why I was wearing her skirt. I didn't answer her and nothing else was ever said about it.
I went on about when my parents would go to our summer cabin and I would stay with my grandparents, they would go to bed early and I would put on pantyhose and my mothers slip and I would watch tv and fall asleep on the couch. I would wake up at 2 or 3 in the morning with a blanket on me, I guess my grandmother must have seen me like that and she never said anything to me the next day and I believe she never told anyone and took it to her grave.
I explained to my wife that I would get my pantyhose from working in a grocery store with the excuse there for my mother or I would steel them. I had a pretty big collection and I would leave them in my drawing and every so often I would find them folded and even washed and again nothing was said to me.
I remembered the first time I underdressed was when I was cleaning the washrooms and change rooms in the grocery store, I seen a skirt hanging and when I moved it there was a beautiful biege slip with it. I had to have that slip but I couldn't figure out how I was going to get it out of the store because they would check your bags and pockets when we left. I thought to put it on and OMG what a feeling having that slip under my pants.
My worst memory and experience was when I was watching Late Night with Johny Carson with my father and I went to the washroom and I seen my mother had left her clothes on the bathroom counter. My father was going to sleep and he went to the washroom but when he came out he didn't go to bed instead he came back in the living room. He starting telling me that my mother told him that she caught me wearing her skirt and that I have a drawing full of pantyhose and didn't understand because I have a girlfriend (which is my wife now) and he just didn't understand. He didn't hesitate to tell me what an embarrassment I am to the family and that he was so disappointed and ashamed that I was his son. He got up and told me not to leave my stuff on the bathroom counter. Not understanding it all myself all I was able to say to him was that wasn't my stuff in the bathroom. My father didn't talk to me for eight years, he couldn't even look me in the eyes. My wife then told me she remembered i had a very bad relationship with my father but didn't know it was about the dressing but remembered he started coming around after I was married and had children. She told me it was a shame I lost those years with my father because before he passed we were more like best friends then father and son and my wife told me she heard my father tell me numerous time how proud he was of me.
I told my wife that I was very naive, everyone knew and I was in denial but nobody did anything about it and probably didn't want to.
My wife now sitting in a disbelief WOW! look on her face and telling me what a past and how am I not in some form of therapy.
I apologized again to my wife for telling her a few weeks after we were married but the reality hit the morning when I was putting on her pantyhose and realized how powerful and real this really was.
I told her I paid some prices being this way but I would have taking my biggest lost if she didn't understand and I would have lost the love of my life and I hope another big price will not be my family if it ever comes out. My children and there spouses are very opinionated with cross gender subjects, but my wife told me they are a new generation and more understanding and whatever it is she will be by my side and we will deal with it together. I can't explain it to her thanking her over and over and treating her like a princess and she just doesn't understand how she's made this big difference in my life and just hear her in her humble way that she's really not doing anything.
I told her bits and pieces of my past but not as indept as today and it did feel good to actually let it out and really realizing I did live a childhood of denial. I know it's a little long but if anyone had a past like mine I would love to hear about it if you want to share it with us

[Allieboy]

Thank you so much for this post The support you spouse is providing you is wonderful. I think many of us have much in common with your history and your sharing is a comfort

[Debbie Denier]

I started wearing my mothers tights as a youngster. The feeling was electric, made me aroused and became an addiction/ fetish to this very day. Also wore her slips one of which I ripped . She never said anything.Also pairs of tights discarded under my bed disappeared without comment. When I started employment, she found nylons in my bedroom drawer I explained they were for a fancy dress party. They subsequently disappeared and nothing else was said. My father discovered nylons, shoes and a dress hidden in a record case. Never said a thing to me because he was too embarrassed. My mother challenged me. I confessed they were mine. It was put down as a phase.I was subsequently made to purge. My father and wife could never tolerate or accept. My elderly mother later in life allowed me to dress and keep a wardrobe at her home for 10 years until she sadly passed away. I wish my wife was as accepting as your wife is and my mother was.

[kimdl93]

Being accepted and supported by a partner may not seem all that big a deal to her, but what a difference it makes for people like us.

You have a lot more memories of iincidents to draw upon that I do. My family structure, with mostly male siblings and life in a very rural setting afforded little opportunity to explore. And yet the inclinations were present from very early on and, though they ebbed and flowed, never entirely went away.

[alwayshave]

Marie, wow that's a lot. You really should see a therapist about it.

[MonikaCD]

Hi Maria,

Reading your post made me wonder if anybody knew about my "hobby" when I was a teenager. I was very cautious, have never been caught or confronted, but maybe I wasn't realizing how naive I was.
I don't think I will ever come out to this part of my family, so I will never have the possibility to ask.

Best regards,
Monika

[JesseVF]

My mother once caught me playing around with my sisters bathing suits and simply said to stay away from them.
One of my older sisters noticed a piece of lingerie I had ?borrowed? and forgot about, and had left under my bed. She graciously made up some excuse about how one of my other sisters had slept there and had left it. I still wonder if my sisters knew of my CD urges.

[Connie D50]

Maria, thank you so much for this and all your post.

[CDMargret]

Thank you for sharing. It is a wonderful thing to have such a supportive wife. Treasure her. I do mine. From what I read about on this site they are rare.

[bridget thronton]

Thanks for sharing your story Maria

[Stephanie47]

I enjoy reading your posts of interaction and conversations with your wife. I'd love to be able to share some thoughts with my wife.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Marie :hugs:, Thanks for sharing your story, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Diane P]

Maria, thank you for sharing this about your life. You have a very wonderful wife, being as accepting as she is. Celebrate her every day. For 20 of the last 28 years of our marriage I underdressed in thongs. I didn't think my late wife knew, but I wouldn't be surprised if she did and just chose not to say anything.

[CarlaWestin]

Ahh, this little pesky desire. It just flips the switch. Continuous begging to enjoy the excluded zone.
And there's always an 800 pound moral gorilla in the room depending on whose superstitious voodoo agenda is prevalent.
We are compelled to carry this around and do the whole other life thing. Which as I've seen, we tend to do above average.
Maria, she accepts that you are the way you are but doesn't exactly accept the way you are. Compared to my level, DADT, you're one notch above as your settling point. And it's important to be settled at our age.

[Bea_]

It is very nice to read about a spouse who is as compassionate and receptive to our idiosyncrasies but, for me, the most inspiring part of your post was that you were reconciled to your father. My father died a decade or so before I began dressing, but his initial reaction would have been like your father's reaction. My mother's reaction would have been no better.

My children, and especially their spouses would definitely respond negatively. My daughter is very intuitive and I'd be surprised if she didn't already have suspicions. She has four sons and would probably limit my time with them if I were the least bit open about my taste. I don't think it would be malicious on her part, but I think she would not want her sons to be influenced at a young age. My DIL has shown signs that her reaction would be totally negative. All my grandkids are more than halfway to adulthood so loosing those relationships is less of a threat than it has been up until now.

To read of your wife's responses is inspiring to all of us. Thanks for sharing.