I miss my support network

[CharlotteCD]

At my last place of work I had a lot of "friends" who I shared my crossdressing/trans side with, and they offered a lot of support as a friendly ear. That business is a leading LGBT friendly employer, so it's no surprise that I was comfortable sharing with them - but only because they were females. I don't feel comfortable sharing with men for whatever reason.

Having left, and slowly come to the realisation that they didn't actually care about me once I wasn't in their life on a daily basis, I have lost contact with them all - through choice. I just stopped making an effort and saw that it was all my effort and none of theirs.

So here we are and I have no actual "real" people who I can truly talk to about my gender issues.

My wife doesn't want to talk about it, but is happy for me to speak to a support network. There are support groups locally, but they have hard rules on attending dressed, and I don't want to have to lug makeup and clothes out every time, then have to clean everything up perfectly before getting home. I'd spend the majority of time getting dressed and undressed!

Anybody else in the same boat?

[alwayshave]

Charlotte, I can speak to my wife about my dressing, but don't as much as I could. I really come here to give and get support.

[CDMargret]

Chatting with everyone on here, reading the stories they share, the experiences of others really is a wonderful thing. You can always find folks to chat and share with on here. And they become good friends too.

[Stephanie47]

My only outlet is this site. I wish there was a support group in my area. Heck, even in male mode it is difficult to breach the generational divide. All our neighbors have little kids or are young singles. Talk about isolation since I retired! Throw in the deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell and it has become total isolation since I retired in 2008. Work mates? Well, they were always "work mates" and nothing more. I feel your pain,

[Samantha51]

I also feel your pain. Other CD online resources do hold regular online meetings - could that help?

[kimdl93]

I came out to a number of colleagues upon my retirement. More than 4 years have passed. Most of them stay in touch to some extent. Granted, I initiate most of the contacts. Of course, I will send them a pic now and then, but I also try to remember that its a two-way street, and offer birthday greetings, ask about family members, etc., just to show that I care about them as people and not just as my support network.

I expect that over time and distance, even these connections will fade. I have not really attempted to stay in touch with colleagues from earlier parts of my life. I suppose that reflects badly on me, but I think it’s normal. People grow apart with time.

[Diane P]

Charlotte I understand about a support network. There is no one in the little town I live in, even good friends, who know about this side of me. I do have an opportunity, once a month, to go over to OKC for a Girls Night Out, but over the last few month there have been fewer and fewer girls there. So this has become a good place for me to read things others have to say and sometimes post my own thoughts. This is a very loving and helpful group.

[bridget thronton]

Much of my support comes from people on this site (I have learned a lot and feel the sense of community here) - the rest of my support comes from my wife and daughter

[docrobbysherry]

Isn't that the whole reason for CD.com's existence? I've been here a long time and have seen so many wonderful T's come and go.:sad:

Eventually they outgrew this site. Living their lives as T's CD's and replacing their online friends here with friends they see daily or weekly!:hugs:

[Debbie Denier]

There used to be a support group local to me which folded in 2004 due to dwindling numbers. The latest support groups tend to be more for transgender individuals and make CDs feel like outsiders. So yes I agree Charlotte I feel the same. I wouldn?t come out to my work colleagues as there is still prejudice and stigma there which may have consequences for my family. I also agree that its more trouble than it?s worth lugging femme clothes and makeup around town.Most colleagues are fair weather friends . My true friends can be counted on one hand . I still have no intention of telling them about Debbie. They dont need to know. There are good members here on CD.com.

[Helen_Highwater]

Charlotte,

In regard of your support group, the ex work colleagues, if you hadn't a strong friendship with any of them on an individual basis then it's not a surprise that the emphasis is on you to keep in touch. You've left the group and I'd wager that anyone who also left that workplace would encounter the same result regardless of them having a different lifestyle choice or not.

I would say it's worth making the effort to stay in touch even if on an occasional basis. Don't burn a bridge you may need to cross someday.

I'd also say it's worth the effort to attend the support group you mentioned even if it's initially for two or three times and see what friendships you can create there. You never know what might come of attending and if after giving it a go you think it's still not worth the effort then you've lost a few hours of your life. If something comes of it then it was worth the investment. You don't know until you try.

[Heather76]

Charlotte, having nothing to do with CDing and support groups, let me offer this. My wife and I used to live in a small rural town of about 1,900 people. In that town is a small, semi-private golf club. We were members for many years but dropped our membership about 12 years ago. Because it was semi-private, we could still play a round of golf occasionally. (Club rules allowed folks that lived within 7 miles of the course and are not members to play 2 rounds/year unless they were guests of a member.) We rarely played there; but, when we did play there it was unbelievable how many people would say, "We miss you guys so much." I told my wife, if they truly missed us, all they had to do was pick up the phone and ask if we could join them for a round of golf. That conversation never took place from the day we quit our membership until we moved out of the area 2 years ago.

The point being, unless you make a concerted effort to stay connected, once you are gone and out of sight, you are also pretty much forgotten. That's the way life is so please don't stress over it. As others have said, find your support here.

[Kitty Sue]

Friendship and support takes work. If I want people to reach out to me I have to be willing to reach out to them. Other people have their own lives to worry about. So I cannot expect them to reach out to me, anymore than they should expect me to reach out to them. Sometimes I maybe the one doing most of the reaching out, other times it maybe them.

Friendship like everything else takes work and give and take. It is not about keeping score e.g I called you 3x but you only called me 2x so you owe me an extra phone call.

[CharlotteCD]

There seems to be some misunderstanding that I haven't been making an effort, and I should continue to.

I have continually made an effort over the 12 months after I left. The only reason I stopped was because I was seeing my old "friends" going out for meals and drinks with other ex-colleagues and not inviting me.

I was always the one to start a conversation, and that's one thing - some people are bad at reaching out - but when they are organising socials and inviting people who left a year before I left was a slap in the face.



Regarding this site, yes there is a level of support here, but there's no common ground beyond the fact we have a shared experience of dressing in women's clothes, and so do I. That's very different to having in real life friends who you have developed a number of shared interests. That's no criticism of the site - it's more a comment on social media and forums in general.

I firmly believe unless you converse on webcam or in person, you cannot start to know somebody and create that same friendship.

[Diane P]

Charlotte, I agree with you but it's hard to talk via webcam when the forum isn't set up for that. If you'd like to talk one on one pm me sometime and maybe wec can set someyhing up outside the forums.

[Sandi Beech]

I left my last job about 7 years ago and rarely hear from any of my previous coworker friends, and none of them know that I CD. Work friends tend to fade away once you leave, at least that has been my experience. I only stay in touch with a handful of other coworkers from jobs over decades.

Sandi

[Emily in the south]

True support is a tough thing for many of us Charlotte. Including me.
What you say about being the one who always initiates the contact or conversation really hits home with me. Living in a small town, I am out to no one here with the exception of a few workers at resale stores, Ulta, and Ross where I shop usually enfemme. I live by myself now, so do not quite have your issue of transforming to go out to and from home. I'm very close to full time, I go out regularly, and try to make the most of it. I have made many friends in the past year by making the effort to travel to where there are groups of us that semi regularly get together. Most, if I did not take the time to check in with them, I would never hear from them. Really lets you know who your true friends are.

As far as this site goes, there are forums, such as the Lounge where you can talk about anything & everything. Hobbies, other non cd interests. So if you do make friends here, there is a way to expand on your common interests beyond cd conversation. Some, just never scroll down past the top three cd forums to see what is going on there.

Emily

[Natalie5004]

I have no network of CD friends outside of this fabulous place. If it wasn't for everyone here I am not sure what I would do.

Wife knows and she is not a willing participant but on occasion Natalie will show up here. We talk about it but I definitely get her negative vibe on this subject.

So, Charlotte please use us.

[Cheryl T]

I know what you mean about missing friends.
We joined a support group, but having retired and moved to another state we no longer hear from them. Life goes on, lives change, people change.
Now it's basically my wife and I. She is my rock, my support and my love. I can talk to her about anything, we go everywhere together and I'd be lost without her.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I have continually made an effort over the 12 months after I left. The only reason I stopped was because I was seeing my old "friends" going out for meals and drinks with other ex-colleagues and not inviting me.

Why don't you invite some of your old friends out for meals and drinks. If enough people come and have fun, the group could actually grow.

[CarlaWestin]

Yeah, my wife has commented several time about close friends and family from back east flying over vegas for their two week vacation somewhere else.
BTW, Charlotte I just read your divorce post but getting back to this, why would a support group require one to be dressed to attend? Wouldn't that intimidation scare away the shy newbies or guests?
Sounds more like a fashion show than a support group.
Even up in vegas I couldn't seem to hook up with a good support group. But, that was more of a time frame issue.
My work in a resort that employed 3500 was my daily social life. I got a kick out of showing a select few (all ladies) Carla's hot shots.
The best was showing my HR friend. I was teflon coated for the rest of my career like the protected turds I had to deal with.
My best support group is a wonderful email group of 15 like minded yet very diverse individuals. Great extended conversations with pictures, videos, fashion shows and sharing life's events.
Non judgemental but we pick on each other a little. Quite a few were met right here. It's a great affirmation the being trans is definitely not one size fits all as the haters like to frame it.