Why do CDers seek out other CDers

[Sandi Beech]

Hear me out a min. First off I am not critical of anyone in any way. This just puzzles me. Often we see posts indicating those of us who CD would like to meet up with other CDs. Nothing is wrong with that at all. The thing is, many of us also state that we are hetero and as such only attracted to women. So it seems that it would be more comfortable for hetero CDs to want to hang out with women not men in a dress so to speak. So is the mind set that only other CDs would understand us and our issues? It seems to me that hanging out with genetic women would put us more at ease. Perhaps it is an acceptance thing. It just puzzles me. I have gone to many bars and clubs only to end up hanging out with GGs or mixed groups. I would not mind meeting other CDs and have on occasion, but it would not be as desirable for me as meeting accepting GGs. Maybe someone can explain the thinking behind CD only meet ups.

Just curious , no judgement from me.

Sandi

[Andrea1964]

I can't say I have ever sought the company of other cds. However, I can think of a few reasons why people would do. On a general level we like to meet with people like ourselves. This can be bird watchers, model makers, runnering to name a few examples and I can see cding would be no different. Also, you can meet up to get tips and encouragement from people like yourself and possibly realise you are not so different, or less passable as others. Finally, if you are the sort of person who wants to go out in public it offers a vehicle where there is strength in numbers and you will not be the only man wearing a dress.
I'm sure there are loads more reasons but I don't find it at all unusual to seek out others like yourself.

[Sandi Beech]

Andrea,

Thanks for your take on it. I was thinking first timers who are unsure of themselves may enjoy having a wing girl so to speak to help them sprout their own wings. It was a bit scary during my first few times at socializing while dressed. Oddly, despite going to many LGBT clubs, I only see an occasional crossdresser. Some of those turned out to be tran. I chat with a large percentage I bump into, but statistically the numbers are small, with the exception of Halloween ; ) But then my fav club for Halloween is a very different place to begin with.

Sandi

[Jasmine23]

It's because we share common ground, face the same type of problems. Genetic women don't have the same problems, they can wear what they like, plus a lot of women think men who crossdress are creeps, preverts etc.and actually fear us. Meeting up with another CD carries less risk, both are coming in at the same level and have the same to lose, so no real fear of being outed, women are also much more likely to share with their friends. It's not really strange at all that people who share a similar interest meet up with each other. I think we'd all love to have female friends to help us, and be treated as one of the girls but, it's very risky coming out to a non crossdresser.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks Jasmine,

I can see your point of view as it relates to the general population of women at large; however, at LGBT clubs I have met a LOT of women and can assure you most do not think of us as creeps inside that venue. There are always exceptions of course. I guess one might think that acceptance from another CDers is almost guaranteed. On the other hand, I am not sure all CDers would want to be seen with me in my attire, haha. I do not dress to blend most of the time.

Sandi

[Jane G]

Humans are social animals. It is in our nature to seek out others. So why not others with similar interests. That said, I have never actively met another CD. Just those few I have noted from afar, about town. There was a period when I researched local groups, but I never acted on my curiosity.

[Sandi Beech]

Yes Jane I absolutely love to socialize when I am dressed up. I am not sure why that makes such a difference. I guess I just want to be seen. It just so happens that I went out and met people before I did any online research. Once I got started with going out solo, meeting people became easy and natural for me. I did not feel any need to go out with others, when I could meet new people.

Sandi

[LydiaL]

Does not puzzle me in the least. I have enjoyed meeting other CDs in person, especially with those I have communicated with online beforehand. (Alas, meet-ups way too rare here in NM.)

We share a mutual (often) secret passion for attempting to present in a feminine manner. Friendships just seem to come very naturally.

Do not over think this attraction for interaction. Enjoy it.

[docrobbysherry]

We must go to different kinds of clubs, Sandi? The ones I go to u have to scream into a person's ear to get just a few words across! Add to which my hearing is going and to protect what I have left I wear ear plugs to these 100+ decibel events.:doh:

As far as socializing with GG's? Except for a few occasions in Vegas, GG's have been friendly, complimentary, accepting, and supportive. But, they don't ask me outside where we could actually socialize.:sad:

And, as far as being hit on by other dressers, it has happened a few times during the 100's of dressers I've met. But, I've been hit on by men more often. I can happily report that they were polite and respectful. Even after I turned them all down!:heehee:

I have found in talking to dressers that many r very caring, remarkable human beings!:hugs:

[Geena75]

For me, it is so nice to relax and converse. If I'm out dressed, there is always a notion that I'll be 'found out' and perhaps even confronted (not that I ever let it stop me). At the group meeting, the big secret is out, and we can all relax and interact. Even if it's just me and another dresser out in a store, the acceptance of just my companion is very reassuring.

[Susan_Michaela]

Myself I?ve only known one person besides myself but she was trans all the way. Met her thru a friend at her beauty shop. I actually used to know another crossdresser on this forum but unfortunately she left and I haven?t seen in years on here . It actually would?ve been nice to meet her in person not only did she only live a few miles from me but did woodworking as a hobby besides the added perk that she crossdresser as well. That?s the closest so far I?ve come to actually meeting another soul like myself. Oh well I hope she?s well and happy is all. Maybe the time to meet and converse with someone like myself will still come along. Till then we all trod along making the best of our own lives

[audreyinalbany]

I'm with Sandi on this one. Can't imagine why I'd want to hang out with other cd's. My goal is to have a small group of GG friends to socialize with.

[Heather76]

Read Jasmine's post once again and that pretty well sums it up for me, too.

[Helen_Highwater]

Sandi,

My take on this would be that for those starting to venture out, meeting others like ourselves carriers far less risk of rejection and a higher chance of a positive interaction.

From the meetings I attended what's probably a decade ago now, having the chance to compare notes as it were with other CD's gave me a huge confidence boost. It ultimately lead to me venturing out into the muggle world and becoming so comfortable out and about that interacting with GG's and males for that matter became just part of being out there.

As someone not drawn to clubbing I perhaps don't get the same opportunities as you and Sherry to meet groups of GG's who are intent on having a good night out. Mine is a more subdued, less frenetic environment.

During my outandaboutery I've chatted with GG's on trains, buses, while queuing to pay, while sat in caf?s, eating in pubs and restaurants, if fact anywhere you might encounter a GG in daily life.

So I think the desire to met other CD's fulfills a need in many not to feel isolated and is a stepping stone to bigger things.

[Karren H]

I have been out with other local CDs, dressed up and in male mode. Have met for lunch and for dressing sessions (just dressing!). It was nice to discuss topics that we had in common. Even used to meet an admirer (exCD) who used to come to town every so often to visit his mother. We would meet for lunch and just talk. I met up with one local girl who had this amazing beaded wedding dress and we both wore the same size. We used to exchange clothes. Dress up at her place and take photos. And just talk. It was fun and I enjoyed talking to her. Most of the moved away or we just lost contact. Many were not hetero but we always kept it on a non sexual level. Mainly because I was married and faithful to my wife. That will never change.

[alwayshave]

Sandi, I belong to two trans/CD meetup groups and meet other trans/CDs all the time at local hotels/restaurants. I enjoy these meetups and have a good time. I would state that it is a safety in numbers type of thing. I also go out to a local LGBTQ+ bar/restaurant just myself and my wife where I am usually the only CD. However, there are more men than women in this establishment. Would I prefer to talk to women than other CDs, yes. Do I have the opportunity, no.

[Jasmine23]

Thanks Jasmine,

I can see your point of view as it relates to the general population of women at large; however, at LGBT clubs I have met a LOT of women and can assure you most do not think of us as creeps inside that venue. There are always exceptions of course. I guess one might think that acceptance from another CDers is almost guaranteed. On the other hand, I am not sure all CDers would want to be seen with me in my attire, haha. I do not dress to blend most of the time.

Sandi

Hi Sandi
Just to be clear I haven't actually gone out in public dressed up or met up with any CD's, but, it's just my take on why others do this. It's the same reason we chat on here or similar sites. Crossdressing is not really acceptable in most societies, so it's a difficult subject to discuss or even bring up among non crossdressers. If I ever do venture out, I'll probably go on my own first to some place where no one knows me, and perhaps in time met up with other CDs, I can't ever see myself meeting up with genetic women in girl mode ( although it would be a dream come through). Everyone is different and some are more outgoing than others and live in more liberal areas where it's more acceptable. It really depends on each individuals comfort level.

[Sandi Beech]

Interesting comments. I know Helen has made many offers to help others get over the fear of venturing out, which I think is great. I can still recall how nervous I was years ago. My hands would literally shake when trying to pay for something at a convenience store. Also, having the comfort of no chance of rejection plus the added benefit of shared interests are all very good reasons to want to hang out with each other.

I avoided men in my early outings since I feared the risk having one attracted to me only to approach and react negatively once outed. That is why I mostly sought interactions with GGs in my earliest outings. Today I will talk with anyone who is friendly, but I think this was a driving factor in my mind.

Since I travel to different places for work, meet ups with support groups or anyone for that matter are very impractical for me. Things have worked out just fine, I just have to take the dressing opportunity when the timing is good. I just took a slightly different path than many of you due to my own unique circumstances.

Thanks for all the comments.

Sandi

[Gillian Gigs]

So many good comments. In my case, I have met others in drab in the past, and we talked about the typical CD'er problems we have in life. Meetings open up different dimensions of communication. Having the ability to read body language, hear the inflection in our voices, these things make for better talks. We can spend more time visiting and cover so much more ground, while having a coffee than typing over the internet. Even eye to eye contact improves our communication. Lastly it makes us tangible, real, we are not alone.

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I had "The Talk" back in the early 1980's she said it was alright with her if I wanted to join a support group. I don't know, if she was conveying a support group in the sense I needed some therapy, but I took it as a group that would affirm my cross-dressing. I looked but there were no groups to be found. At the time there was minimal acceptance of cross-dressers. My quest, if were to be filled, would be to socialize with others without a fear of rejection. I belong to a "support group" of military combat veterans who experience PTSD. We do not sit around swapping war stories but do discuss and support each other with problems of life that arise. I would hope it would be the same with a group of cross-dressers, and not sit around talking about makeup, etc.

[Cheryl T]

My wife questioned this when I wanted to join a support group. It was a chapter of Tri-Ess if anyone is familiar with them.
Basically because it provided immediate connection. We were all in the same boat so to speak. We all had a common interest. It would be like a convention of woodworkers. There's no need to explain that you are one, or why you are one, you are one and that's that. You might ask, how did you start, or what are your specific interests, but there's no big background that needs to be offered. You aren't questioned WHY.

When we joined it was welcoming, accepting, friendly. You weren't in the spotlight being examined. When you come out to others that's not the case. It's 20 questions, the Spanish Inquisition and Jeopardy all at once.
Of course it's not all roses. There are people you may not agree with, who have different specific interests that you may not like, but that's the way the world works anyway.

That immediate connection is my reason for enjoying the company of other CD's. There's no explanation required. I am simply Cheryl and we go from there. If I could be introduced to a group of women that way and immediately accepted without a million questions I would love that. But again, that's not how the world works.

[rachaelsloane]

At first that was the safe comfort level in a closed environment with other CD'ers. After a few times of CD only events, I needed to go out in the real world, whether it be in a bar, restaurant, or theater the people I met for the most part could care less I was wearing a dress. It was the interaction with that became the main point. Over the years I met some fabulous people and today are friends with many. Maybe I'm in the minority here, but wouldn't change the path I took. HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone.

[NancySue]

Hi Sandi, a very good, provocative question. I?ve given this some thought over the years, but really have no interest in meeting other cders. Reasons: small nosy conservative town, being outed would not be good, I?m a hetro-cder, but most of all, I have a loving, supportive and helpful wife with whom I can talk to, and chat about feminine things 99% clothes, of course. She?s made several recommendations as have I to her. To her, women?s clothing is just that, clothing. When I get something new, I can?t wait to tell and, if requested, show her. We occasionally go out for rides, when I?m both partly and fully dressed, which is most of the time, definitely underneath. This works well for us.

[Sandi Beech]

It seems some like Rachael first went out with other CDs, and then stepped things up to the general population at large. I suppose we all settle down into whatever our comfort zone is. Some may keep it private at home, and some socialize with other CDs, and then others mix into the general population. Then there are people like me who force themselves outside of most anyone?s comfort zone ; )

One huge factor that changes everything is whether or not there is a supportive spouse at home. That seems like it would change the dynamics of everything related to CD.

I will end my comments there. Thanks for the all the very thoughtful input.

Sandi

[Fiona_44]

Sandi,

So many CD's have experienced guilt and shame over their dressing that is is a relief to mix with other CD's and not have to hide anything anymore. No one will judge you and most CD's will understand exactly what you've been through. I have a bunch of CD friends and it is fascinating to hear everyone's various stories and to observe how they maneuver through life a a trans woman. Knowing these CD friends helped make my decision to live full time as a woman much easier. It has also enabled me to act as sort of a role model and offer advice on the various fears and problems a newcomer might be experiencing. I've also met a heck of a lot of interesting people through them, both trans and non-trans. My life has been enriched through knowing them.

[StephanieCD]

Sandi hi. Just an observation and not a criticism at all. You question the need or desire for CDer's to meet or seek the company of other CDer's. You say you don't feel the need yourself but here we are ? You are regularly chatting to other CDer's on this site. I guess we all do it to some degree without realising it. Plus it is good for our mental health sometime writing things down, a bit like a journal. I think it helps us understand our lives with some reflection on the past day. Putting our thoughts in order, so to speak. Plus sometimes it is good to talk to anyone who may be interested in what we have to say. I know that I certainly am interested in what everyone here has to say. I find everyone interesting, everyone has a fascinating story to tell about their lives.
So yes I seek the company of others here very much and find everyone lovely.

[Kandi Robbins]

We all deal with gender identification issues. Those issues manifest themselves in various way as you can read here.

Anyone dealing with anything wants to commune with anyone else dealing with the same issue, whether that is CDing or sharing grief over the loss of a spouse or something like AA.

So why wouldn't a crossdresser seek to find support with those that share the same interest/need/desire etc.?

While I myself seek GG relationships, I do understand why CDers seek other like themselves.

This is uniquely different for each and every one of us.

The comment preceding this one nails it: you are on this forum for exactly the same reason you question why CDers seek other CDers.

[Sandi Beech]

Haha , right Kandi and Stephanie, you got me on that point. Of course what I was really referring to is who we want to hang out with when it is time to get dressed and go somewhere.

But heck yea , you are correct that I have enjoyed conversing with the people here. It is sort of the glue that has kept me going in between dressing opportunities , especially during the worst of the Covid outbreak. Sigh.

I had been going out crossdressed for a couple of years before I came across this site. At the time I mostly wanted to share my fun experiences because it seemed many had not ventured out. But now I realize that is not for everyone. Like you said , we are all unique but have this one common bond.

Sandi

[TheHiddenMe]

I am always reminded of the Groucho Marx adage that "I'm not sure I'd want to join a club that would have me as a member."

I belong to a TG group and often attend their dinners or lunches. I first joined because I wanted to have a good reason to tell my wife I was going out dressed. To me, it made my reasons to go out more justified. Understand, my wife and I are fairly independent individuals; I don't tell her what to do and she likewise doesn't tell me what to do.

For example, when we travel to Australia (she's Australian), she stays a couple of months longer than I do. I would never think of telling her she has to return when I return. I believe she has the right to decide. Likewise, I believe I have the right to go out dressed, but having the group as a reason gave me more ability to negotiate that right.

While meeting the others I want to understand their stories, and their place in the TG spectrum. I usually find the stories of those who have transitioned to be very interesting. Hearing other's stories also helps me understand myself a little better.

I went to Diva Las Vegas to partially meet others but mostly to do fun stuff with the safety of others (by safety I don't mean physical safety, but just that it's easier in a group). Riding in a limo, walking around in a short sequin dress (and getting compliments), going dancing at a club, it's just easier (for me) in a group. I admire your gumption in going out solo and making in happen AND in very fun and funky outfits.

I also have GG friends and get to go out with them from time to time. Do I prefer them over the TG group? Yes, but there is the dynamic of dealing with my wife and telling her I'm going out for drinks with a woman, and having her understand it's platonic.

When you're in a group, you feel less exposed,(although because my friend Michelle is gorgeous I usually am MORE exposed when I'm out with her, and she knows lots of people), and therefore more comfortable.

So I guess the short answer it's generally more fun in groups, and while I prefer a GNO, having a CD group or even just another CD is a good compromise.

[Debbie Denier]

Its nice to share the experience with a like minded individual.

[Vintage4sarah]

What an interesting thread to follow ! Since I first "Crossed the Rubicon" and accepted my need to explore my female self, I have sought out other CDs for advice and companionship. Even though this road has had "potholes", it has been a great opportunity to learn and share. Right now I have different groups that I can meet with and feel perfectly at home with. I now find that some of these ladies have become best friends in which we even get together as guys. I believe that without this interactions and I would never have become comfortable with my female self as I see myslf today.

[Charlotte Haynes]

Personally, I feel more comfortable around other CDs when I am dressed en femme, than with non-CDs. I do not feel judged - I probably am being judged, regardless.
Also, even though many of us proclaim to be hetero, I have found that sex is often high on the agenda when meeting other CDs.

[CDMargret]

For myself it's nice to meet up and chat with another CD. I have three CD friends that have come over for a chat with my wife and I. We are dressed and share experiences, tips, and just enjoy talking about CD things while dressed. My wife is so very very accepting and adds to our chats with real GG tips and suggestions. We have gone to their places for dinner and them to ours. My wife and I have been to a few events where I could go dressed and had such great times. Except this one club where the music got so loud your heart was adding beats to it's rhythm.

So it's wonderful to meet and chat with fellow dressers. And it's nice to go out on my own. It's heaven when my wife is along for the adventure. We only go to events or places where we know to be accepted. The dream is to walk the mall and do some shopping dressed. Chats here, my CD friends and our in person meetings really has helped my confidence . The friendships created are priceless.

[jacques]

hello Sandi,
Why do archaeologists seek out the company of other archaeologists? For that matter why do any perceived community like to meet up? Model makers, bagpipe players, bikers ...
Could it not be that some cross dressers like to meet others for friendship through a shared mutual interest?
Happy New Year,
luv J

[Maria 60]

I was following a sister on this community that was attending small venues in our city. I asked my wife what she thought about if I meet up with them. Her first respond was "WHY". After all when I first told her about my dressing she asked me the three questions "if I was gay"? and "if I wanted to become a women"? and most of all "if I would be happy in the closet"?
After answering her a no, no, yes she was explaining to me how she felt about the situation telling me a Friday drive brings risk if something happens and in pretty much in my car is my shelter and maybe taking little chances is a small risk and she feels it should give me enough satisfaction to express myself. But going to even a small venue involves me going in public on my own will and present myself totally as a women and without anyone in our family knowing would the risk be worth the reward. Would I want to take this big risk of being seen but again asked what would come out of it and what did I want to accomplish. When we dated she never wanted me to go to a night club but didn't care if I went to strip bars, telling me men go to night clubs to dance and pick up women but at a strip bar a person gets his thrills and goes home to his partner.
I told her it was just a thought but I guess I never really looked at the big picture and it would have been a huge step and I guess I thought it probably would have been fun to just meet up with others in my situation.
I admire you and all of you that take that big step, my wife was more concerned about if someone seen me or if someone in the group would know me or a picture taken and I would be outed and it seemed like a little fear of a maybe of me dancing or sharing something she wouldn't be involved in. I desided to leave it alone and just be happy that she is supportive. In my opinion it's a personal choice to either meet different people at every outing or make friends and join a community would also be fine, either way I respect your courage.

[HollyGreene]

I have never had any desire to meet up with other CDs. I'd much rather be out on my own or with GGs

[DianeT]

The comment preceding this one nails it: you are on this forum for exactly the same reason you question why CDers seek other CDers.
Not exactly the same thing to correspond in writing on a forum and meeting people in real life. The involvement isn't the same, and I am talking from experience, not from CDing but from meeting irl fellow online gamers during an event we organized as a guild.
So, this type of comparison falls short in my opinion, and is more stating the obvious that fellows with something in common usually like to share about it. We discuss a lot of things here verging on the intimate that I would not be comfortable speaking about irl with a materialized person, CDer or not CDer (or GG).

Also, on a slightly different topic, I frequently see members who have the chance to be in the company of GGs during their outings, coming back here posting that they had the most wonderful discussions with them about... clothes. I'm sure there must be more to life in company of GGs than just discussing about clothes, which is an obsession of CDers not GGs. I think that GGs are being very patient with us. Of course discussing with GGs while dressed may drive the conversation to your CDing as they may be curious (or polite), but chances are that if you stop being the point of focus any other subject can be discussed and this will be the opportunity to learn more about them. And if you are genuinely interested in GGs, you can probably have the same conversations in drab mode.

[melissalynn]

There's something to be said for being with people that you don't have to explain yourself to.

[Sophie Yang]

As others have said, humans are social animals and it is natural for people of similar interests to get together to share their experiences and knowledge.

Early on I was working in San Francisco and was at Diva's dancing. All the Diva bar tenders are all transwomen. There was a cis-female school teacher dancing with a nervous cross-dressing friend of hers. She was extremely supportive.
Some how we got to talking and I must have mentioned that I lived in Portland. The cross dresser asked if I had ever been to Over the Rainbow Transformations in Portland which she highly recommended. I had not.

When I started, my wife who does not wear much makeup said I was on my own in that department. My wife and her girl friend spent a week in San Francisco at my apartment while I worked from home for a week. While they were down there, I made an appointment Victoria at Over The Rainbow Transformations. I am pretty sure it was a Wednesday night.

Afterwards Victoria suggested I go into sowntown Portland to meetup with the some of the Rose City T-Girls at a bar. When I got there, there were about 10 girls there drinking, gabbing, dancing, and playing pool. The first thing the head of this gaggle of girls wanted to do was buy me a drink. I rarely drink as a rule, so probably ended up with an orange or cranberry juice drink. I am cheap date.

The group was very active back then. They had at least one weekly dinner, (sometimes more than one), an annual day out on the gun range, (Jan is a firearms safety instructor), a monthly commedy club outing, annual golf tournament, annual Halloween Party, Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, makeup sessions at MAC. They also did a cruise ship trip. I forget where they went. During the Covid shutdown, they started a weekly Monday night Zoom call that is still going on.

The only thing this group has in common is they all fall somewhere outside the binary gender society norms. It is quite an eclectic group. Politics is all over the map. They come from far away rural farming towns to the large cities to participate in events. Many plan their business trips around the Rose City T-Girl events. This is an older group, many have grown kids out of the house and others are retired. They come from all walks of life, I've met custodians and truck drivers, ex-military, quite a few IT professionals, to business leaders/owners.

Over the years I have met a lot of cross dressers and transwomen through the Rose City T-Girls. Except for the last Chritmas dinner, its been years since my wife and I have done anything with the group. My schedule conflicts with most of the RCTG evemts. I am out a lot, 5-7 times a week. Many of the girls come and go.

Based on my observations and conversations, most are there because they feel safe, can let their hair down, and talk freely amongst friends.

In at least one of the responses, someone mentioned that they don't have to explain themselves. When I am with the RCTG and there is someone I haven't met before, I always ask how they got started and when. Always an interesting conversation.

[Georgina]

Why do people with the same hobbies like to meet? I met my first CDs last year and had a great time. I love hearing other's stories. I also met up with other women while dressed and I enjoyed their company as well

[Cheryl T]

Identification issues, all the questioning and all that aside.

As with any interest, people like to be around people who share a common interest.
Sports, woodworking, cars, whatever, people feel comfortable with others where they can openly and easily talk about what they like.
We are no different.

[Jenn A116]

I'm in the category that says we just want to be with like minded people. I've got many hobbies (besides CDing) and they all have group meetings. Some are on a national basis. Others on a very local basis.

One of my hobbies is Amateur Radio which has a huge meeting every year in Dayton OH that attracts other Hams from around the world. But there are also local Ham clubs that meet monthly and only attract a handful of members.

[Brenda Freeman]

When I first started crossdressing I knew no one and was very lonely. I found out about a crossdresser/tgirl convention and decided to sign up. When I arrived I was in guy mode and while waiting for my room saw crossdressers everywhere. That's when I realized I am not alone. I met so many people with similar stories and even met people from my home town and we go out occasionally for dinner and fun, just good friends. It is friendship with people who fully understand and can relate and support one another. A bonus we have met GG's at the place we frequent and love that, they seem very supportive.