Fairly confused

[JulieC]

I really don't know what to title this thread, but given that I don't know what to title it "confused" seems apropos.

I've been crossdressing for decades now, and long ago accepted this is a part of me that's never going away. I've also never thought about transitioning. Oh sure, I've had the occasional day dream of what it would be like to really be a woman, and be able to go through society as a woman for a while. We've probably all had varieties of that dream. But, I've never felt any desire to transition. That still holds true, despite what I'm about to relate...which underpins the confusion.

Recently, I've had opportunity to crossdress as much as I want except when I'm at work or doing errands around our town. My Julie clothes are now (if temporarily) out of their bins and in a dresser. No closet space to hang up things, but a (temporarily) dedicated dresser. My Julie shoes are neatly arrayed at the foot of the dresser. Once this time period began, I've been crossdressing nearly full time, including while sleeping (usually nightgown, pantyhose, bra, forms). My wife and I knew this time period was coming, and we discussed this a few times. She was 100% onboard with me crossdressing 100% of the time if I felt the desire to do so. She told me she would inform me if it became any sort of problem.

I'm feeling a difference in me that I haven't felt before. Now that Julie, for the first time in my life, is an equal partner in all aspects (except work and errands), she is on in full force. As soon as I get home, I'm in a rush to get something femme on as soon as possible. I have previously had long periods of crossdressing, but never 24 hours a day for a few days at time (long weekend) or ~14 hours a day during work days. I've observed and been puzzled about an inner reaction. Occasionally, if I am feeling my clothes, kind of self hugging my chest, or glimpsing down my blouse at my bra...I am getting a tingling sensation around my back, upper torso area. It's quite bizarre. It feels strangely fulfilling. It's like I can feel Julie at long last being out, being here, being her, being me. It's not an out of control feeling; this isn't Pandora's Box. I don't feel overwhelmed. It's not affecting my work. But, it's very different.

I know with absolute certainty I do not want to transition. I enjoy being a man. I enjoy being able to present male and not have to fuss about with what society might do/say/react with. Presenting male allows me to work and live in my town without hassle. I don't like nor want to spend my days fending off society's discrimination. Even if that didn't exist, I'd still like to be able to easily present male.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? Thoughts? Just trying to process it. Thanks for listening.

[bridget thronton]

Thanks for sharing. It's good your wife is part of your experiment and supports you.

[prene]

Nice story,
I do agree it is great you have a (Wife)gg who supports you.
I am envious, I enjoy presenting as a woman.

[Shelly Preston]

All you can do is be yourself.

Transition is not for everyone.

Some live full time without transition too.

I think at the moment you are just trying to find what is your new normal. Maybe you are overthinking things.

You can only do what it best for you. Since you have a supportive wife it makes life easier.

[Larissa Cassandra]

Hi Julie,

I could have written what you wrote! I feel almost exactly the same (I guess except I'm no longer confused!). I only differ slightly in terms of presenting as male. I wouldn't say I "enjoy" being male, but it sure is a lot easier to be out and about in our society of discrimination and shaming. I can go weeks without dressing if I have to (out of town, or have house guests), but usually I put my femme clothes on as soon as I get home. I underdress 100% with panties and in cool weather a cami under my shirt or maybe pantyhose or tights under my pants. I'm also lucky to have a very accepting and supportive wife, and I can't imagine having to hide Larissa from her. I'm also completely content with my male body. I would never get surgery, but maybe hormones to grow my breasts. Finally, I completely identify with your feeling your femme side, and the wonderful tingling sensation of presenting as female. I'm at my happiest when I'm Larissa. Thank you for your post. You're definitely not alone out there!

Hugs,
Larissa

[Helen_Highwater]

A thought that popped into my head was that your situation is similar to the first times we get to try on femme things often in our early years. The newness of it adds to the actual feelings that the clothing offers. What you're feeling now is V2.0 of the same phenomenon.

Being fully emersed in femmehood for such extended periods, having the freedom to do it at will is offering you a sense of what it's like to live full time without the stress we often feel when dressing to a deadline.

I would say we're both similar in that there's no desire to transition, we like the advantages our duality brings but living enfemme is wonderfully liberating, we feel relaxed in ourselves. And you having the added bonus of a fully supportive other just adds to the feeling of being in your comfort zone, the natural you.

As David Attenborough might say on one of his wonderful programmes; "Here we see the Julie in it's natural surroundings, totlly adapted to it's environment,at one with the world it inhabits".

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Julie :hugs:, Just enjoy Having the Best of Both Worlds, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[kimdl93]

It seems to me that cross dressing as much as you want is as much as you need.

Regarding your question, I certainly have felt the rush to get back into female attire after being obliged to present as male for work or family obligations. I also have those circumstances where the male clothes are just more convenient. I would not get all dressed up to mow my yard or trim branches, for example.

[GretchenM]

Julie, sounds like this change has put you into a bit of a quandary. I have no idea exactly what is causing it or why it has changed other than to say that something has changed. I have had brief periods that were similar to that in the past and I never did figure it out. But, in time it changed back to what is more a baseline for me which happens to be a blend of male-like and female-like expression and not very dramatic. Of course that may not be your baseline - we are all configured differently. Just hints of both in my expression.

Perhaps you need to think back to just before this shift occurred and see if you can identify any events that happened that seemed to have an impact. There may be a trigger identified in there, but it may be hard to see and you can't be sure what looks like a trigger event or series of events were actually triggers. Be careful of thinking that correlations imply causations. But correlations do provide flagged events that need to be looked at more carefully to see if they are actually trigger events. You need to be painfully objective in that examination which is hard when dealing with something so emotional.

I suggest that perhaps you just go with the flow and adapt as needed. There is no need to actually transition just because your female-like traits and characteristics are currently dominant. You just adapt without casting the shift in bronze. The fact that you were happy going back and forth as needed for so long may be your baseline. But most of all don't stress yourself over it as stress tends to accentuate the negative side and that can create a vicious circle that feeds off its own energy that can take you down a very bumpy road. Relax and like a willow bend with the wind without trying to actively resist the shifting but don't be a piece of paper in the wind either as that will take you who knows where.

[audreyinalbany]

it brings up an interesting question for all of us (well, for me, anyway)...in a perfect world, how much wold I choose to present female? I tend to think that, for me, my crossdressing would equilibrate over time, find it's own level, whatever that may be. Maybe I'd dress two days a week, maybe once a month? Maybe everyday? like the OP, I have no desire to transition, not sure I'd want to out to friends and family, but it would be interesting to test the waters of unfettered female presentation.

[Genifer Teal]

It's amazing where time and self analysis can get us. Your existing self and your desire to be a girl are 2 separate trajectories. At some point they may eventually cross. Will they combine? Will they deflect? Only time will tell. All I can say is how you feel now may not be how you feel then.
20 years ago I had this all figured out. :GD:maybe I had Good handle on it but there was so much more to come. There will be many epiphanies along the path. May you always choose the right way forward.

[Sherry Ann Evans]

Julie, I feel the same way! I'm fortunate to have a supportive wife, and we do not have children, so I could dress as much as I want around the house. I haven't gotten to the point of dressing semi-fulltime when not at work, but I think I'm pretty close .... the urge is sooooo strong. I do dress up and go out every couple of weeks. Anyway, you're not alone!! Just like you, most of the time I'm content being a regular guy, but then I go through waves where Sherry Ann is out to play and she reaaaaaaaally doesn't want to go back. Inevitably she does, and it's a total downer for a while. But realistically, transitioning never seems like a good option. So I just make the best of it, knowing that my wife loves and supports me in whichever gender I'm presenting.

[Gillian Gigs]

I don't believe that any human is 100% masculine, or feminine. With our different hormones flowing through our bodies, we have times where different urges can drive us. What we all need is to have the privilege to just be ourselves, not hurting others while doing it. I have days where I dress up first thing in the morning, and stay that way all day. Then other days where underdressing is more than enough. Having that sense of freedom to wear what you like is liberating, and opens up your sense of peace and confidence. Well, it does for me.

[Stephanie47]

"Has anyone else experienced something like this?"

Yes. before our daughter moved back home my wife would visit her for seven to ten days each fall. I was already retired. I liberated a nice selection of dresses from their storage boxes and hung them in the walk-in closet. I hung full slips along side the dresses. I threw my male underwear in a box and loaded my armoire with bras and panties. Nightgowns were hung in the closet, too. Heels lined up at the foot of the bed. It was 24/7. I took evening drives which ended with strolls at night in a safe residential neighborhood. Given the length of the driveway I could walk to my car without hiding. I had minimal errands to run as the annual trips gave me time to load up on groceries. Garbage pickup is every two weeks, so I not even have to take care of that chore. Our backyard was totally secluded from neighbors at that time, so I spent time on our swing sets. Like you, not desire to transition. After awhile it became just as routine as grabbing male clothes for the day.

[ReallyLauren]

For me, there was an inflection point where my crossdressing started to take over a majority of my existence and I was able to let myself consider transitioning. In the past transitioning in my consciousness but something that other individuals did. I was focused on my career, which was not compatible with crossdressing much less transitioning. At one point, I decided to go to counseling to address my crossdressing and the feelings of guilt and shame that it spawned. Through this experience, I was able to develop the belief that these feelings were not warranted, and that crossdressing was how I expressed the inner femineity that I have always carried. Once I had this realization, I began to crossdress more and more and importantly, get out in public and do things as a woman. This is where things began to change for me. I became more and more comfortable with being a woman and at this point the feelings that transition is probably right for me. Now, I consider myself a transwoman and I'm integrating my femineity into my daily life.

[Bea_]

Occasionally, if I am feeling my clothes, kind of self hugging my chest, or glimpsing down my blouse at my bra...I am getting a tingling sensation around my back, upper torso area. It's quite bizarre. It feels strangely fulfilling. It's like I can feel Julie at long last being out, being here, being her, being me. It's not an out of control feeling; this isn't Pandora's Box. I don't feel overwhelmed. It's not affecting my work. But, it's very different.


I tactile feelings of various femme items is a major driver for my dressing. There are no masculine equivalents to the feeling of leggings, stockings or pantihose, a dress or skirt, a bra or even most panties. But I like being a dude in any of them. I think a bra is the most distinguishably pleasant item to wear.

I was skinny in my teens and twenties and into my thirties before putting on a little muscle and having moderate pectoral muscles in my chest. Those slowly devolved into man-boobs over the next couple of decades. I can still flex in front of a mirror and get the look of a masculine physique, or I can relax and enjoy my breasts. I enjoy that contrast, but I tend to celebrate my breasts more. And that's what a bra is to me, a celebration of something that, apparently, most men would never celebrate. If I'm in front of a mirror in a bra and panties I enjoy both the feminine look of the bra and the way that panties show that I am unmistakably a man in a way that men's underwear do not.

i look down at the front of a fitted top and see small but definite breasts. My headlights are always on and my brain computes that they really are breasts. I have enough to cup a handful and, again, it's totally breast.

For me, I don't equate that to being a woman, but I do enjoy that my manhood has evolved/devolved into this more pleasant person.

[docrobbysherry]

Julie, I haven't felt what u r feelings for 20 years!:battingeyelashes:

I am definitely a CD. I put on the clothes for a purpose, a shoot or an outing, not for "fun". And, when I'm done I happily take them off!:thumbsup:

I know quite a few T's that don't want to fully transition. U sound more like them than a CD like me. :straightface:

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

I understand. I love the clothes, the feelings of bras and stockings that aren't in a "man's" world, but also the cut and the lace and the feel and the colors that also aren't in the men's section. Most of the time I'm home I'm wearing something that would make a manly man question my sexuality even though I don't bother with make up. When I'm out I still wear women's jeans, socks, panties, and sometimes shoes, shirts, and occasionally leggings, but always as a man. When I'm out, even though what I'm wearing doesn't look very feminine and no one looks twice, I KNOW what it is, and that makes a difference to me.

BUT, no, I've never considered transitioning and never will.

[Lisa Gerrie]

As soon as I get home, I'm in a rush to get something femme on as soon as possible.

If you weren't allowed to eat at work, as soon as you got home, you'd head for the fridge. Not sure it's an indication of a change in your overall appetite.

100% full time minus 40+ hours a week is very different from full time. I suspect that if you presented as female 24/7 you'd be just as glad as everybody else to take off your bra at the end of the day.

[Fiona_44]

Julie,

I believe what you are experiencing is the thrill and enjoyment of finally being allowed to live as the person who you feel deep down you really are. It does not mean you want to transition but is simply a feeling of deep satisfaction.

[DianeT]

Occasionally, if I am feeling my clothes, kind of self hugging my chest, or glimpsing down my blouse at my bra...I am getting a tingling sensation around my back, upper torso area. It's quite bizarre. It feels strangely fulfilling.
What you describe here is in my opinion the very essence of crossdressing. But these are feelings I experience no matter how long the session lasts, whether 2 hours or a day. It is the magic of transformation. The troubling, eerie and intoxicating sensation of looking at a girl self, like you came out of your chrysalis in a puff of smoke.

[CarlaWestin]

Has anyone else experienced something like this?

Yours is a wonderful testament to having understanding and learning conversation.

The times of long term experience illustrated an appreciation for being my male self.
I've only had the fantasy desire to transition. I'm keeping my M/F switch.
There's a whole bunch of different Carlas but only one of me.

Isn't it primarily about the emotional and tactile feedback pleasure?

[Veronica Lacey]

The process you are sharing with your wife on giving you open living "to be you" is a wonderful read, Julie. Happy that she is all for trying it and that includes open communication for reactions and adjustments if need be.

My wife knows of my dressing. While she accepts that I do it and will occasionally accommodate time for me to do it she doesn't wish to see nor make any further movement on it. I respect this and am thankful but certainly have considered exactly your arrangement. I do feel that it would not lead to something more (a seemingly common and understandable spousal fear) but give me the opportunity to fully be myself at home, the one place I wish to do so. I imagine that dressing wouldn't be a static amount from Day 1; it would probably occur rather often and prolonged in the initial stage of acceptance and then taper off as I simply wear what I feel like wearing when I feel like it just as I do in male mode.

Hope this continues to bring you peace and fulfilment.

[Cheryl T]

I can relate in many ways to how you feel.
We retired 5 years ago and moved to another state. I began to dress more and more, because I could. There are times when drab is still necessary, as Kim said for things like yard work and family gatherings, but the rest of the time I'm free to dress as I please and I please to be dressed as a woman. Covid came and the sheltering took me from a few days a week to full time. I'm not at that level now, though I am dressed every day. Some times it's a 3 or 4 day stretch, other times those outside influences appear and it's a day here a day there.
What I have discovered is that it is quite different from years ago when I was only able to dress now and then. At that point there was a thrill to it. An excitement knowing I could dress and doing so. The feeling of the clothing, the appearance, the makeup all contributed to this. That's gone now. I don't know where it went, but I'm actually glad it has gone.
I no longer dress for the thrill. I don't rush home and quickly change. I don't anxiously wait for that day when I can shed the male image. It's just different now.
The clothes aren't "special" anymore. They are just my clothes. They are just part of my wardrobe and I choose what to wear everyday, be it drab for those work and family days or not. I'm as comfortable in leggings as in a dress as in jeans or shorts or whatever. I find I dress more in the less fancy of my choices almost all the time. It's even difficult at times to put on a dress, stockings and heels as that's not what the average woman wears in our area and there just aren't "dressy" places to go. Most of all, I'm fine with that. I've become an average woman and moved away from donning all the fancy garb that I once believed were necessary to feel feminine.
I've always had thoughts of wanting to be a woman, but never felt I was actually one. Yes, I would love to have my own breasts and discard the forms I wear. But that's ok now and I'm good with my forms. I'm actually happier now being average than I was when I was trying to be fancy and "Queen for a Day" so to speak.
Hope this makes sense.

[Lorna]

I think I can understand, from JulieC's well-written account, the pleasant feelings experienced. I haven't been lucky enough to have the opportunity to dress frequently and for long periods but on the few occasions when it has been possible to extend through more than a whole day, I think I have been better able to get a true feeling of what women experience from their clothes. I say "from their clothes" because I know it can't really go deeper than that. Nevertheless, for me those occasions allow me to learn a little of both the pleasure and the difficulties presented by the clothing. As I have explained elsewhere, my enjoyment comes from the feminine attire of a past era - skirts, dresses, slips, nylons, etc - and dressing in those clothes, with appropriate underwear, for a day or three at a time, rather than an hour or two, always gave me a much better idea of what women experienced.
I found out that, after 15 or 16 hours, it could be good to get out of the bra and girdle and free the legs from stockings and the feet from heels. But I also learned what it was like to wake up the next morning and have to choose and get into those somewhat constricting clothes all over again - and manage to go about daily activities in them for another 15+ hours. It never became too much: I still loved and enjoyed all the feelings, even when, sometimes, the clothes presented problems or became less-than-comfortable but it deepened respect for those well-dressed women around me for whom this was everyday life, not an option.

[rachelatshop]

I so identify with your story. I once started to question and wonder what would happen, or how I would feel if I was able to dress and be Rachel as much time as I wanted. So I happened to have a couple of weeks when my wife was going to be away and so I chose to spend those 2 weeks as Rachel 24/7. as much as possible. I loved it but in the end I felt the same as you did in you final paragraph. I love getting as girly girl as I can and doing it as much and as long as possible, but when it is over I have no problem being my guy self and would never consider transitioning as long as I can have the best of both worlds. Thanks for sharing. Hugs Rach

[Brenda Freeman]

I wondered for years why I loved to look like a woman. I finally stopped wondering and worrying as I realized it made me Happy, I could step out of my male world and enjoy my feminine side. I love how I look as a woman and how I feel. I feel lucky that something makes me feel this wonderful. I am lucky too in that my wife is okay with it but prefers not to see me which is fine she married the guy. I dress about once or twice a month and go out on occasion. But think about it often. If it makes you Happy at what ever level, enjoy the ride and you are lucky to have a supportive wife. I know several people who have transitioned and are much happier or it. I do not see that in my future.

[JulieC]

Everyone; so much wonderful input and THANK YOU! This is why I depend on this forum :) If I don't call you out by name, it doesn't mean I didn't read your post! I've read it all, considered it all. It's all very important to help me understand this.

I'm sitting here typing, wearing a nightgown, bra, forms, pantyhose, and heels (a look my wife makes fun jokes about). It's been about a week and a half now of being able to dress 100% outside of work and errands. My feelings, thoughts, and emotions continue to evolve.

So many of you have noted my wife's support and acceptance. I know that I am very, very fortunate and I do not take it for granted. When we were dating, I would have walked away if she had run for the hills when I told her. So, part of that fortune is of my own making. But yes, I am very blessed to have her in my life for many reasons * 10000^10000. She knows it, and I am constantly trying to make her life easier. This morning, I made her a breakfast very appropriate for her dietary needs. When we were done with breakfast, she said "Thank you for taking such good care of me!". High praise, and praise I intend on continuing to try to evoke, even if it is unspoken.

Some of you have noted having the same/similar tingling sensation. Abstractly, I know I'm not alone in all of this (335 people viewing the MtF forum this morning, and that's a low number from what it is usually!). Knowing that some of you have had the same tingling sensation helps to understand this a bit better.

As I noted, I do know that I do not want to transition. That said, I definitely consider myself transgender. This isn't just the clothes.

Helen; I'm not sure I'm totally adapted to my new environment just yet, but I'm trying :) Wonderful paraphrasing :) You mentioned about the stress of dressing to a deadline. A couple of years ago my wife and I had a discussion about the stresses of being a crossdresser. Fear of discovery of home stash, having to watch the location tracker app to see when certain family members are on their way home, accidentally bumping into someone you know even away from town, dressing to a deadline, not being able to dress, being able to dress but not feeling it and thus forcing it, and on and on. Being a crossdresser can really suck at times. Always absent the complete fullness of oneself. Now, there's no one to discover my stash, no need to check the app, able to dress when I want (right now 100%!) and not having to force it. The release is palpable.

Blue Orchid; "Best of Both Worlds" made me think of Star Trek: TNG. Maybe I am a Borg, with crossdressing implants :lol:

Gretchen; I have changed. What I'm finding I need to resist to some degree is to change too fast. I am very excited about the person I am changing into, and want to get there as soon as possible. I want to resist that because I am also relishing this interim period, and don't want to miss out on this part of the journey.

Genifer; I don't think I'll have this all figured out 20 years from now and certainly didn't 20 years in the past! :) Some of it certainly I don't know that the non-Julie me is choosing. I've never embraced nor want myself to feel there is a me-me and a Julie-me. I've always...always...thought of myself as one person. Thing is, the Julie-me is now essentially saying "Ok, pony up. You've been saying this for years, now it's time to prove it!" I think the trajectories are beginning to cross now.

Gillian; spot on about 100% masculine or feminine! There might be a handful of statistical outliers out there, but the vast, vast majority are somewhere between the extremes. It's just that probably 98% of people having zero self awareness on this.

Stephanie; I just hope it doesn't become routine, though I know it will :/

Diane; Coming out of my chrysalis in a puff of smoke...I love that :)

Cheryl; There's a book called "Bridge Across Forever". Within it, the main character spends a considerable period of their lives moving from relationship to relationship, never staying in a relationship more than a few months. Once the New Relationship Euphoria (NRE) wears off, they move on to the next, addicted to the NRE. You note about the thrill passing. I strongly expect it will for me too, but I don't want it to pass. It's like NRE, and I'm relishing it. So, it will pass, and I will be a different me...more integrated, more JulieMe rather than Julie and Me, if that makes sense. When I become JulieMe, that NRE will fall away. I'll have a different sense of wholeness, a more complete me. But right now...oh how I'm loving the NRE!

Again everyone...THANK YOU!

[Joanie CD]

tl;dr: Julie C, you can make your own rules.

Cheryl T, I'm right with you. When I'm out at a bar or, less frequently, a restaurant with my wife, I'm just wearing "my clothes". Sometimes they are all-male, and sometimes they are all-female. When we're out and I'm dressed as Joanie, my wife has said more than once that she doesn't even think about it any more. I'm just me, in *my* clothes. For instance, today I'm going to shave closely (and shave my legs -- it's been too long) but dress in male mode because my wife wants to go to Lowe's and look at dishwashers. When we get back I'll probably change into a skirt or leggings, with a nice sweater, jewelry, and a bit of makeup. I too dress casually in girl mode a lot of the time, to blend it, and because it feels normal. When we go out to a bar or something, I can dress more, because GGs dress up more to go out, and I blend more. I only own a couple of pairs of heels, and have never worn them out. It seems out of place for a woman of my age (mid-60s). Maybe I'll get the nerve some day. I wear cute booties with 1-2" heels, or I wear cute flats with my skirt outfits. I'd love to wear dresses, but I am overweight, and most dresses just do not look good on me. I have a couple I wear around the house when I want to feel extra girly. It's a wild ride, and everyone has to do what feels comfortable for them, and considering their work and home environments. I'm lucky as hell. I'm out to family members and most of our good friends, who were all very accepting, and didn't make a big deal out of it. I'm especially lucky to have an accepting and supportive wife, and I thank her for her support many times. She knows how much I appreciate her. She has a couple of boundaries, and I am happy to observe them. So, Julie C, this post was a lot about me, but my point is it's great that you can do what feels right. You don't have have to feel pressured into dressing full time, transitioning, having surgeries, or anything else. If you want to do any of those things, it's also OK. Man mode is OK. Girl mode is OK. Half-and-half is OK. Whatever you do is for you, and I hope your friends and family can be happy with you no matter what you're wearing, because it's always you on the inside. I know that there are people who are not OK with CDs, but I have found that, while I do not pass, if I blend as well as I can, people are nice. I have never had a single person say anything negative to me. Once in a while I'll get a side eye, or someone in a store will no be particularly friendly, but that's OK, too. They have their own things going on.