Dealing...

[Sara Kat]

How do you girls deal with all of this day in and day out? Sometimes this whole CDing thing is hard for me to deal with and understand. It seems to come in cycles for me; sometimes I'll be passive about it, sometimes I'll be really into it, and then sometimes I just want to wish I were never like this in the first place. Maybe I haven't been doing it long enough to come to grips with everything, but I wish I could and just accept it and do it.

I really want to know what's in store for me. I want to know if I'm just going to stay a bisexual CDing male like I am now or become a full MtF TG. I don't think any other options really apply since I probably won't ever want to stop dressing or guys fail to turn me on anymore. I see a lot of people my age (and younger) who already know what they want and are doing it, whether it be transitioning or not. I really wish I could know like that and be able to take care of things.

My mind is such a huge jumble on this, it's really driving me crazy. It's like there's a constant war raging within me as my male and female sides battle for dominance. When I'm in a really feminine cycle, I feel like I want to make the transition and become full-time. Then I've got to worry about things like my family accepting me (which I can't see happening), finding a place to live since I'd be discharged from the military, finding a job with hardly any college done (that's one of the reasons I joined the Air Force), and the biggest thing - not having any friends to support me and help me. Yes...Yes...I know I have all of you here on the forums. I ment friends in my real life that would accept and support me. Aside from you on the forums, I'm very alone in this and it's starting to take it's toll on me. I've been hiding this since I was 8 years old (22 now). Only one person that I know in real life knows about me and I don't see her anymore since she lives back home in New York.

As if I didn't have enough problems to deal with, I also probably have Social Anxiety Disorder. I haven't seen anyone about it or have been offically diagnosed with it, but based on the reading I've done, I can assume that I've got it. I can't imagine ever going out as Sara or going out shopping when I'm terrified of going out normally. Being like this makes it pretty difficult to get out and meet people and make friends. Once again, I'm worried about this being a dischargable condition from the military. However, this is something that I really need to overcome before anything else. If this is allowed to continue, a total cascade failure is inevitable (if I were a machine). It's really beginning to take it's toll on my life - every part of it.

This looks like a lot of bullshit to wade through. If you've made it this far, I salute you. Maybe I just need to suck it all up and stop bitching about everything, but I needed to vent and get this shit off of my chest. As always, advice, opinions, comments, suggestions, and support is welcome. Thanks.

[ieya]

I was in the army many many years ago aged 18. And the army in england has stricter routines to follow etc so know where your coming from in that situation.

As where i live these guys mainly catholic or jews or christian and condone CD,Transvestites etc. If i went outside dressed as i do privately i would end up in hospital within 5 mins of walking outside my home. I know this due to 5 years ago a Transvestite walked outside fully clothed and was killed.


As for my family they have the same views as the town so hence i would be disowned etc.

For me to grow and become who i want to be in the near future i will be moving out of town.


It has been difficult for me in many years to find friends. I have had hangers on (those who just want you for your money etc) But thats when im manly. When my exwife found out she went beserk luckily the shame of discovering your husband dresses in womens clothes as made her shut her mouth about it.

Im frustrated all the time and i am also lonely with the aspects of friends who see me as i am "Crossdresser/transvestite/transexual". I want to bring forth the REAL me and its very very difficult to do so.

But i sturggle onward and from this site and many others i found new courage to progress in stages my desire to be a fully fledged women.

Im seeking friendship of the real kind (meaning the here and now at home kind) but like most things that takes time confidance and the power to carry on regardless of what society as a whole throws at you.

My advice is dont fight your feelings come talk online to us here . If you need to chat to someone live. Heres my email and messenger address

ieya196@hotmail.com

im on most of the time not always due to work commitment etc.

im here for anyone who wants to talk..


love ieya
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[babe4life]

Sara,

Don't you dare do anything like "suck it all up and stop bitching about everything." Not acceptable. We are here to support you and you have done something very brave to post and ask for help.

I can't help much from a CD perspective, but I do know that things come in cycles. I also have been through numerous cycles of being able to just "cope" as a guy through to the other side of the spectrum where I can't stand being a guy anymore. Those cycles used to be over a period of months. Not any more. The coping with guy thing is receding rapidly for me now.

Sara, it isn't easy. Look at me preaching to the choir here. Not being able to share this with friends in "real life" is particularly difficult. I almost never see the one true friend I have that knows this about me, but I know she is there and you gals (and the guys!) help fill in that gap.

The only real advice I can give is to not be in a rush to do something. Enjoy the flows and eddies of being CD. I don't know that one can say, guaranteed, that you will never head down the TS road (you may bloom late). But to be brutally honest, anyone that isn't TS, please DON'T ENVY or wish to become TS. PLEASE. It is not something I would wish on my worst enemy. For those that are and transition, it is beautiful I think. For those that aren't and transition ... it becomes hell on earth.

Sara, if you ever want to vent more, do! If you want to vent in a PM, that's fine too. If you want to vent using IM, you have my details. OK? If you ever want to ask *anything* or chat about *anything* or just want to say hi, please do ...

Much love,
Vicky

[Wendy me]

sara, vent away i have been doing this for over 40 years off and on dealing with all sorts of issues mostly by my slefe and reacently with the help of this forum and a thearpest( don't like shrink,,,,i want to grow from this) if your being cusemed(spelling) by all this seek some help your realy worth it, things get a little clear one step at a time
huge huggs

[Sara Kat]

Thanks Vicky. That made me feel a bit better I suppose. I guess one of the main reasons I want to know now is because I know its easier to transition and you get better results when you're young. At least that's what I've been told from various TS people I've chatted with. I guess I just really hate not knowing about my future. If I'm bound to become a TS then I want to do it as soon as possible to be able to enjoy it that much longer and enjoy it while being young. I guess that might offend some of the older ladies around here, but that's not my intent. I'm just saying what I feel.

If I'm not desitined for that road then I want to be able to settle into this way of life. I just really don't like going back and forth and constantly fighting over it.

[Renecd]

Hello Sara. I can give you the CD perspective of things (atleast for me) since I've been dressing on and off for over 30 years also. I can't tell you how much venting and now having the ability to come to a forum like this helps today. I have gone through many periods of my life without being able to talk with anyone about dressing and also faced the loneliness and depression in those times. Many times it wasn't easy, as you would expect. I also have purged so many times I could fill a dress shop with what I've tossed out. Gawd would I love to have kept a few of my mini's from the 70's too!!! I'm still not sure if it is a coming to terms with yourself or just a real acceptance that gets us through it, but I think eventually we find a happy balance that we can live with and I think I have finally reached it (well, atleast for today)
Good Luck and hope something I've said helps you.

Hugs,
Rene

[babe4life]

Thanks Vicky. That made me feel a bit better I suppose. I guess one of the main reasons I want to know now is because I know its easier to transition and you get better results when you're young. At least that's what I've been told from various TS people I've chatted with. I guess I just really hate not knowing about my future. If I'm bound to become a TS then I want to do it as soon as possible to be able to enjoy it that much longer and enjoy it while being young. I guess that might offend some of the older ladies around here, but that's not my intent. I'm just saying what I feel.

If I'm not desitined for that road then I want to be able to settle into this way of life. I just really don't like going back and forth and constantly fighting over it.
Hi Sara, I know what you mean. If I had the money and guts ten years ago when I first accepted being TS and wanted to transition, I would have been a lot happier today I think. Heck, I was still fairly small then and I think I would have looked a whole let better than I will now. But then, I *knew* that I was TS.

Best advice I can give is to get out there and see someone who knows what they are talking about. They may just settle it once and for all in your mind and then you can get on with life, whatever that entails.

Good luck and best wishes,

Vicky

[Wenda]

I sympathize with you Sara. Fortunately for me, my CDin was mostly dormant until recently, and I am definitely straight. It does go in cycles, as the others have mentioned.
You know the old line about "..don't give up your day job just yet.."? Keep your perspective and try to not let your frustration push you into impuslive actions. Too many times, I have seen people yell "I am outta here!" which is nice and dramatic, and feels good for about 25 minutes, and then again while your soon-to-be-ex-colleagues are buying you beer and saying they wish they had the balls to do it, only to realize that their current job or situation was not the base cause of their frustrations. It was just the point where the frustrations surfaced.
Analyze the options, talk with medical advisors, then develop a longer term plan. USAF has hundreds of career training opportunities, as you are reviewing postings, think about where some of this training could help an (honourably) discharged Sara. I think most of your angst is coming from not having a life direction. Create "Project Sara'. Do the background research, get the advice, develop some overall strategies, make your decision, and then start implementing it. If you eventually decide on a complete transition, it could take 6 months to do the analysis and decide what is best for you, and then it could be many months before you have to take action on 'point of no return' items, like surgery. If you have a goal and a plan, and if in the back of your mind, YOU know that whatever the current task is, it is achieving a longer term objective, it will be much easier to keep your head in the game. for what it's worth. all my best wishes, wenda.

[KewTnCurvy GG]

Hugs Sara Kat, love ya grrl and feel for ya (even if ya did vote for the Dubya boi).
And I too struggle with Social Anxiety Disorder. At one point it almost paralyzed me to the point of becoming agoraphobic (basically, kids, someone who's so afraid to go out, they don't). But with a lil' medicinals (antidepressants), therapy and a lil' help from me friends I do go out and can interact with others. I have the occassional panic attack but nothing like it was! Hang in there! No other words-o-wisdom than what the other grrlies have shared.

hugs
kew

[Amelie]

Sara,, I read your thread three times, and I keep trying to find some way to say everything will be alright, but I can't. You are in some sort of CD limbo.
You are going to have to do what is right for yourself. Do you want to ruin your career in the AF? Or can it wait till you are discharged. With your family, this is tough. My family story,, My Mom and dad are OK with it, but everyone else does not like it. So, being like a woman is something I must do, so I would rather give up my family(brothers and sisters) than to stop. They do not talk to me very much, I must live with this and you must be prepared for the same.

You should already know if you are a TS, It is similar to being gay, it is something that is known for a long time. Just coming out might be new.
It will be difficult,, if it is tough to go out as a crossdresser, it will be even tougher transitioning to being a TS. To be a TS is 24/7, unlike Cding, which can be put away when you don't feel like it.

As far as friends go, you probably wil lose some of them. But if the feeling of being a CD or TS is strong, then this is another sacrifice you must make.
I have very few friends, but they are true friends and I really don't want any more, this is what you must seek as well.

You have to do things that you want to do, it is your life, not your friends, or societies. i would say again, not to jepordize your job in the AF. This might be to important to waste. Maybe you should contact a lawyer, and see if your career in the AF would be in trouble if you became a TS. Technically it is not being gay so they might have different rules for this, I don't really know.

Whatever you choose Sara, make it your choice, it won't be wrong.

Love Amelie

[clarissa3d]

With the cycles you are going through as we all have and still do. You must take them in small steps in order to deal with them so as NOT to over whelm your self. It would help if you could talk to a therapist as mentioned. Talking through the cycles and the highs and lows you and the therapist will find where the true balance is.

First just be true to your self and look foward as Julie has. Everything will balance out eventually.
Second clear your plate of unNeeded items that are just burdens. This will help you see more clearly what your heart really needs.
Third - you have a great many freinds that support you here. If we could give you real huggs we would.

hang on girl. we love you.

[Lauren Richards]

Sara,
I don't have much advice, only a life which has been filled with choices. You, too. I've been around long enough to make a few doozies! The only real advice I can offer is to allow yourself time to find out who you really are, enjoy the journey, and be yourself every day. We are each given the gift of life, and sometimes want the answers before giving ourselves time to understand the questions. Some people know early, some wait nearly a lifetime. It happens that way. Two of my heros are Col. Sanders and Frank Lloyd Wright, because they had their greatest successes and most creative periods of their lives after 50. Whoever Sara Kat may be, today she is wonderful. Tomorrow will find a way to open its doors for you, too. Ultimately, who you are is in there, and you will discover new friends, find the support and love you deserve, and be accepted as the unique and wonderful person you are. Cycles are normal, and as strange as it may sound, so are you. Keep breathing, and trust yourself.

Lauren

[Bonnie-OR]

Sara
As a retired militery CD/TV/Whatever, I think I can see a lot of your anguish, and hope you really read all the previous posts here. We all have different degrees of this unique little affliction, but some of the steps are irreversable. The one thing I would recommend is to complete this enlistment as cleanly as possible, and get as much free (?) schooling as you can, duty schedules permitting There are so many college courses offered on base that could help you. I would really recommend some psych. classes, they may answer a lot of questions.
Really, you are still young, and folks transition at any age nowadays. Go get all you can, esp. that honorable discharge, then get your VA benefits, and they can help a lot with counciling if need be.
Hey, if I'm gonna pay all these taxes, I'd love to see one of my sisters get some benefits from them. Feel free to email me via the fourum if ya need someone to to talk to, just make sure you name is the subj. line so I don't think its spam. Huggs Sara, Bonnie

[Stephanie Brooks]

Hi Sara!

*BIG HUGS*

I have no wisdom to add to the current wealth, just a hug and a hope you find a path that works for you. I can empathize about wanting to know when you're young if you should transition so that you can have a better chance at success with it. You know the consequences - the costs - are potentially high to transition; the consequences of not doing so are also potentially high.

May you find a way to peer down the many paths and see which one is for you.

[Sharon]

Sara -- just remember we're all here for you! Vent all you want. SHOUT if you must! I've been there -- hell, I'm still there! -- but just reading the words of the other girls has done so much for me in the short time I've been visiting.
We all have good days and bad days, we just need to figure out what it is we want and need.
Hang in there kid, things always have a way of working out if we let it happen.
Love,
Sharon

[Sara Kat]

Thanks for all the replies. They all really helped in different ways. I mean that. I guess I should just continue what I'm doing for now and slowly build up my feminine wardrobe and just get better at being a girl. I really need to get this social anxiety situation taken care of though. It's killing me.

[Wenda]

Sounds like you have a plan, girl. You are right. there are two distinctly different issues at work in your life. Separate them and deal with them one one one. all the best, dear, wenda.