Why do i do this?

[KymG]

Just recently ive been having a hard time wondering why i do this.
Its thriling and relaxing at the same time but i hate myself for feeling this way.
Ive never really got to grips with it.
Wouldnt it be easier to have the urge to play golf or something?
I think i look pretty good when dressed, and thats the attraction for me, but ive gotten more and more in to it, and it frightens me. I find it quite stressfull, apart from when im actually dressed and then it feels just right.

Why me?

[kimdl93]

I saw the why me question posed in an entirely different context and the response back was “why not you?”

That may be as good an answer as you can get. Some people love model trains. Some people find peace and relaxation in meditation. Some people feel good about themselves and even how they look when they dress as women. It just is.

[CrossKimmy]

im in that same boat girlfriend

[SylphDevine]

I wondered that myself for awhile...especially when it was a sex thing. I could barely control myself before, during and after.

It's not hard to figure why it feels so good to wear panties, stocking, a bra and a slip. It just feels so right. For me, the longer I stay dressed the more comfortable i become.

Since my wife has accepted it and participates I no longer have the "oh she's gone for a few hours, time for Sylph to come out and play".

I have many other "hobbies" that I am obsessed with (like gaming, and collecting comic book original art and comics, and playing drums and music) but crossdressing is my pleasure. I do it for me. One of my fantasies I haven't done yet is to get completely dolled up and play my drums. But whenever I cook dinner and clean the house I'm ALWAYS dressed.

When the pink fog hits, my wife always gets involved, because she knows I get distracted by it until I dress up.

[Gillian Gigs]

The "why me" question will not go away until you accept yourself in spite of your quirks.

I have said this to myself many, many times over the years, "if I didn't like doing it so much, I would have quit long ago". Bring it all down to simply this. We all need to , or have to wear clothing, so it's just that clothing! It is the cultural bias that messes with our minds.

Your own words, "I find it quite stressful, apart from when I'm actually dressed and then it feels just right". So, just keep it within your home and enjoy the time when it feels just right. :2c:

[Taylor Dame]

I asked the "why me" and the "why do I do it" questions for a long time. Still have no answers, but now feel "why not." It's only clothes, and it feels so relaxing and right to me. I've purged in the past with no success. I'm not going to try to psychoanalyze myself.

[Karren H]

I stopped asking myself that decades ago. It will drive you nuts trying to answer something that can not be answered.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I can't answer the why question for myself either, and I've had 60 years to think about it. My life would be so much better is so many ways if I didn't CD. But, it's also enhanced my life in more ways to count.

But I have the answer to your question. CD and play golf together. Play from the women's tees. You wouldn't be the first to do it.

[Suzie Petersen]

No, you wouldn't for sure, I have plaid from the women's Tee in a short skirt. Didn't help my handicap though so I don't know what the fuss is all about.

It would probably be helpful if someone figures out what it is that drives some boys/men to have this strange need, but it hasn't happened yet. Lots of theories, but no conclusive evidence from the scientific side of the table. All we know, is that it happens to some, not all, and it is an incredibly strong force that it sometimes makes us do stupid stuff to fulfill the need.

I don't know why I do it, but I cannot help myself. If I have an opportunity to "be" a woman for a little while, I "have to" do it.

[mbmeen12]

Don't worry, it's a phase.

[docrobbysherry]

Why NOT u, Kym? Instead of thinking of it as a curse, why not think of it as a blessing!?:)

Think of all the terrible things u could have become instead of a trans. Or, u could have died young in an accident or caught an awful disease. A million people recently died during the pandemic. Yet here we r!:battingeyelashes:

My gosh girl, life is what u make of it and it's over so soon.:sad:

[Helen_Highwater]

Sherry is right. Flip the coin over and ask why are we so lucky. Lucky to experience that wonderful tactile feeling our clothes bring. The comfort, their ability to make us look good. Let's not forget the huge choice of clothes on offer. We call dressing in male attire drab because that's what it is. Restricted in choice, dull colours, one tee/polo/hoodie/trousers much like another.

And that joy of seeing your legs look good in hose and heels. What's not to like and enjoy.

I gave up wondering why a long time ago. I am what I am, embrace it, make the most of it, enjoy it.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kym :hugs:, Welcome to Our Mixed up World, Just Enjoy what you have, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Genifer Teal]

I remember introducing myself to the local support group. When I went for the first time i introduced myself saying I'm here to understand why I like to do this. The entire room laughed. discussions erupted, suggesting if I figured it out they'd all like to know. Good luck in your search. I'd like to know too. Lol

[GretchenM]

I view it differently than most. Everything that we do has a reason why we do it or we wouldn't do it. PERIOD. And the people who study this have come up with a number of explanations and found a wide variety of causes. But that is all a generalization regarding the behavior traits and their relationship to many influences.

In other words it is complicated; extremely complicated. However, with respect to the individual, that is exceedingly difficult to decipher and there are always many possible causes. Some of the factors involved include childhood events, genetics, hormonal imbalances, unusual developmental issues, and a huge pile of others.

It is true that pondering the cause can induce a lot of emotional difficulties that you really don't want or need and those can affect the quality of your life. So, unless you are trained in scientific thinking and investigation it is probably best to keep those musings at arm's length. So, for most it is best to simply accept it and manage it as best you can so it doesn't degrade the overall quality of your life but remains an accepted trait that you have that adds something positive. Unless you want to get pulled into a study of the phenomenon for years and years, just use your comfort level as a guide to managing that aspect of your life.

I have spent the last 12 years studying it in detail and understand the many excellent theories about where it comes from, but I still never found a firm answer to my individual behavior. Knowing the theories and understanding how each works helped me a lot, but I personally dive deep into everything I explore whether it is cosmology, quantum mechanics, the phenomenon of life, or whatever. But I am a professional scientist and that is what we do. Do I find answers? Not definitive ones, but I do understand it better. However, answers are still illusive, especially when it comes to gender.

However, I do know that males can be female-like and visa versa. Gender is definitely not a binary phenomenon as many in our culture think. Sex and gender are different things but they do influence each other to various degrees. Gender is a continuum or spectrum that we can move along over long or short periods of time. It is a part of how we have adapted to the complexities of life. It is natural and there is nothing wrong with it - it is just the way you are at this time.

[Sandi Beech]

Kym,

I had some of the same thoughts when I first tried crossdressing some years ago. I went through the purge and subsequent suppression of it for a long time. My other hobbies helped to keep it out of mind, but like so many others experience, it came back. The difference this time is I started going out and meeting people. That was something I rarely did in my early years. It made a huge difference for me. It was a lot easier for me to have self acceptance, when I found others were more accepting of me than I was of myself. My only regret is that I wish I had gone out to meet others socially sooner.

Sandi

[sweetdreams]

I don't have an answer for Why. None of us do. My wife once asked me "if you could make this go away would you do it?" My answer was no. It brings something special to the party.

I enjoy this part of me in very special ways. Yes it causes problems too, mostly in MY head. When I finally started taking this out the door, there wasn't a mob with pitchforks and torches. Generally I've had some really awesome interactions with GGs. The first time I went to a beauty salon for a makeover - oh my god. To be immersed in that ocean of femininity with 20 or 30 GGs, all of us trying to get pretty, wow. Sureal and no negative reactions - I was just one of the girls. Going bar hopping with 3 girls I met one evening at an LGTBQ event. Strolling through the mall and not having any negative reactions. Halloween is so much fun - really such a low stress time to go out and party with everyone and anyone. Friendly interactions with cashiers. My first pair of heels. My first wig. All special moments I will not forget. So many firsts that were special and unforgetable.

I don't know why I do it but I know it has special meaning for me. The more I accept it the better it is. The more I try to reject it the more of a problem it becomes. I think I will opt for acceptance and have some fun with it. I try to own it as much as possible - This is me, Here I am, Deal with it. There I feel better already.....

[Traci H]

The $64 million dollar question that I pretty much quit trying to answer. I realize I will just never know why I do this. The human mind is a complex organ that our understanding of is quite limited. At some point acceptance of who we are is the best route. Of course society can be a less overall accepting venue, but the biggest hurdle to my acceptance is my spouse. While in many ways she keeps me from going overboard, her total distaste of crossdressing makes my life a delicate balance. I pray for a change every day, but years and years have passed without change. I only feel guilty for the stress I put her through at times. I love her but get torn by my need to CD. The rest of society can KMA.

[Fiona_44]

I don't really know why I do it but I'm extremely glad that I do.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Kym :hugs:, It is just who er are and it's just what we Do. >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[KymG]

Thanks for the replies and positivity. Ive never really been able to accept this part of me, and yet ive come to need it more, and always have to be done up to the nines.
Then theres the issue of explaining this to prospective partners.

However, I will try and look at it differently in future.

[DianeT]

Kym why do you hate yourself for doing it exactly? Is that a question you can answer? Is it only because it may complicate your search for the right partner? Or because you consider it something wrong that you should be able to stop? We all know this isn't "wrong", and we all know this isn't something you can shake off, it's ther to stay, a part of what we are. The guilt only stems from mental constructions that society has put in our heads. These you can shake off, with the help of sites like this one.

[SylphDevine]

It took me the realization that when the pink fog consumes me that part of my self is coming out. I accept all the other parts of me (the gamer, the drummer, the performer, the father, the husband etc) the only difference is I don't have to "hide" those aspects of myself from others. Crossdressing has been so stigmatized by our rigid gender roles in society and community that the shaming and blaming is a real issue to contend with, should you allow the female to exist in society. It's interesting, once you "admit it" to your family and friends the questions come out..."are you gay", "do you like men" "are you promiscuous".

I think if I came out when I wanted as Sylph, people would expect me to be that way permanently. If I had my way I'd be Sylph in certain situations and my male self in others. Kind of like it is now, except Sylph only exists if it's a safe space. I really love Sylph. How she dresses. Her sense of style. How girly she feels. When I'm not her, my male self is quite different.

It's an odd conundrum.

Crossdressing is a very powerful thing...in my drumming, I've come across shamanic rhythms and the native american shamans that play these rhythms crossdress when they play, because assuming the feminine is required to properly elevate oneself in that spiritual plane.

Makes sense to me then in the real world, those of us who are crossdressers are simply expanding and elevating our spirits to a sweeter, clearer consciousness.

Plus it feels so awesome.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Thanks for the replies and positivity. I've never really been able to accept this part of me, and yet I've come to need it more, and always have to be done up to the nines.
Then there's the issue of explaining this to prospective partners.

However, I will try and look at it differently in future.

My wife discovered that I was a CD, and she insisted that I go to counseling. Counseling helped me accept myself, and that was a catalyst for everything else.

I've always had kind of a thing for dressing, but around the time I joined here, there was a local CD girl who what a frequent poster. To make a long story short, we met up en femme (FtT) at a local LGBT restaurant bar. She introduced me to two friends, and they introduced me to two friends and soon I was out and about with a rotating group of about a dozen girls. The there was a Yahoo group (a long time ago) and a meetup group and another meetup group and then Keystone for about a dozen years.

I've been out many, many times in vanilla venues and met many GGs while out. I've got many positive affirmations from them.

There's nothing like having a social group to go out with.

Maybe you can find a local social group to hang out with.

[alwayshave]

Kym, I use to wonder this all the time. At some point I realized I have had the urge all my life. Don't fight or question it.

[Bea_]

I love being a dude. But, in sixty-eight years of being a dude, there's never been any feelings of being anything special as a dude. I've always been average in just about every measure, height, shoe size, endowment, anything. As my wife and I went into the empty nesting phase there was a major crisis that appeared in our marriage. As that crisis began to fade my need to express femininity appeared. And, once it appeared it stayed. Since I'm straight, there's nothing about men's wear that gives any sense of being special. Now, women's wear and fashion, that's something that is special. When I wear those things i feel the same sense of being special that seeing my wife dressed up gives me for her.

My wife has never been one to give any kind of compliment for how I looked or dressed. I met the minimum standard but, other than that, nothing... Since she didn't really notice how I looked in drab, why would I desire more of the same. I've come to the point of needing to feel something other than "minimum standard". Even if my wife nor anyone else sees how I dress as special, I feel it. That's why I dress...

[Alaina R]

Why? Certainly for a lot of guys it started with a serious sexual desire which is pretty powerful but truly everybody is different as to why.
At some point I told myself I'm not responsible for it (I didn't ask for it) but I am responsible to it. This means I accepted the truth of my situation and stopped telling myself stories that weren't really true. I also realized that at some point I had to come clean in romantic relationships because my needs were going to affect it.
I'm very lucky in that a good marriage made all these problems go away but that was my take long before the marriage

[*Cindy*]

I really struggle as I keep kicking Cindy out of the closet and tossing all her stuff in the trash. and after it is gone it hits me what I have done to her and feel sorry. I wish there was a close friend to talk to when I do this to help me stop hurting her/me all the same as I am Cindy.

[SylphDevine]

Yeah purging is a thing. I've done it a few times.

But not any more, and I LOVE all my lovely girly things. With my wife (and here) it's a safe space. I work in retail part time, and when I help gg's with makeup I often say "well I don't wear makeup". Their response is almost universal.."you should try it sometime, you might be quite surprised at what happens". That's always a rush, feeling that kind of anonymous acceptance. It appears a LOT of women out there appreciate the feminine side of men.

[Cheryl T]

I spent many years in "Wonder"-land.
Finally I accepted myself and then wondered why I hadn't done it much sooner.
The What Ifs of life will make you crazy. It's better to embrace and enjoy.

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

Have fun

[Suzie Petersen]

Teresa,
I am going to send you my wifes phone number. Could you please have you wife call her as soon as possible!

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

eight charters

[Suzie Petersen]

That is awesome Teresa, that is very good of her and a very important thing to do. I am certain she has made a big difference for them.

Yes, my comment was nothing but wishful thinking. I have no hope that it would make any difference unfortunately.

[Jade P]

Why do I do this? I do this because I am gender fluid. I underdress daily. I also wear makeup at home and nightgowns to bed. I dont feel the need to live full time as a woman. My wife is not accepting so I have tried many times to stop, but I could not stop. In 2018 I accepted my gender fluidity and I love the way I am.

[Donnell]

For a long time I never questioned it. I just liked it. Then after coming out to my wife and discussing it, she asked that question. WHY? I then realized I too had to find that answer. I was suddenly confused. I did some reading and thinking about it and realized my interest started back around age 8. I enjoyed the look of women's clothes. I would play with paper dolls and mix match clothing on them. Cut out clothes from magazines and place them on them. Later on, my mother sold women's clothing at in home parties. I used to see women in various things and I loved how they looked. At age eleven I wore my first bra and panty. My mothers. They felt great, to me, I looked great. That lasted a year. My teens, the desire was not there. After marriage in my 20s it came back. I enjoyed the feeling and looks of my wife's panties on her. It became a sexual thing and hidden fantasy. It escalated to sneaking her, her mother's and her sisters undergarments all to fulfill my sexual desires. I hid that from my wife for over 40 years. After I retired. The impulse to wear became stronger. It became something to do that I enjoyed to pass the idol time. It became an escape for me from my everyday worries and bordom. It got so strong I had to tell my wife. She listened, she accepted to some extent and set ground rules for me. She told me she had realized it years prior. So my answer is....my reasons have changed through the years.

[sometimes_miss]

Over the years, I've read a few people's contributions telling of why they thought that we all crossdressed (or just wanted to). I've been reading psychology books since I was 14, and borrowed my sister's psych 101 textbook from the stack of her college books that she always left on the hallway table. It's quite easy to say, that the world didn't have much of a clue about transgendered people back in 1969. But I kept at it; luckily living right next to Manhattan, I had easy access to the New York city public library, and likely spent thousands of hours there, reading everything I could, desperately hoping to figure myself out. Well, it was going to take thousands more hours, too. Every textbook, every periodical, and later, everything on the net I could find. So we're looking at a half century of reading everything I could find. And yes, there are several ideas about where the desire to crossdress and/or be transgendered comes from. Now the bad news; there is no standard answer that covers everyone. Some may have resulted from abnormal hormonal changes before birth. Some are purely socially influenced, but that theory is generally ignored, as it would get all the folks who want to 'treat us' to get rid of those bad old transgendered feelings, as if because it was caused by our experiences, well then it must be reversible, right? Well, no. We are a total of all our experiences, and none can easily be just erased from our minds. Even with ECT the memories often eventually start to come back. I could go on for many pages about all the possibilities, but you can start, by reading my bio in the writer's forum, link is at the bottom of my post here.
You may message me with any questions; I will do my best to answer what I can, and perhaps join you in your search for any information that I haven't read yet.
But with any luck, over time, you will find out why you feel the way that you do.
Stay curious.

[Debbie Denier]

I still haven?t found the definitive answer as to why and probably never will. Only that it is the perfect escape from normal life and that I enjoy it.

[Cheryllynn]

I've never been able to answer that question, but after I simply accepted Cheryllynn as a part of me it really doesn't matter. I find it relaxes me and enhances my creativity, along with helping me forget some of the day-to-day stress. Stopping the buy-purge-buy cycle also helped me to accept myself...my wife is aware and somewhat supportive but isn't interested in me dressing around her. I can paint my toes and wear leggings; and I shave my legs. Sorry for rambling on a bit there, but I guess my advice overall is simply DON'T WORRY about the why. Accept yourself and you won't really care WHY. You'll just want to buy more clothes. lol

[Jane G]

Tis what it is. Enjoy what you have in life. As far as I know you only get one go at it.

[CynthiaD]

Some things can’t be expressed in words. I can’t verbalize it, but when I look in the mirror and see a woman looking back at me, I know why I do it. It’s a good thing, and I’m proud of it.

[Maria 60]

One night last week we were walking in the mall and it was warm outside. My wife asked me why I was pulling up my pants all the time and why I was wearing long jeans in that warm weather. I told her I was wearing long jeans because I'm was wearing pantyhose and I was pulling up my pants because the pantyhose are control top and they tighten my waist and the silkiness make my pants slip down. Her next comment was why do I do this to myself and not just dress comfortable.
I told her that's a great question and explains where my mind is, I have to do what I have to do at any price and any discomfort. I told her I guess life would be to easy and boring if I didn't have these feelings, in which she answered one thing for sure our life is very interesting with my little habit. I guess we are all in the same boat.

[AllieBellema]

It's hard to explain, but there is some sort of joy I get when I dress up. I got a permanent frown face, but when I do dress up and see myself in the mirror... I can't help but smile. I'm glad this is a part of my life!

[NancySue]

I join many others. Since my youth, I?ve spent a lot of time trying to figure out Why me? Is it genetic? All I know is it?s in me. Here to stay I?ve pretty much stopped caring Why, but occasionally think about it. Occasionally my supportive wife and I will talk about it, especially when the pink fog rolls in. No conclusions. It?s so enjoyable, shopping, dressing, makeup, etc. I?ve totally accepted it and enjoy. Life?s too short.

[Cheshire girl]

I was always fascinated by seeing females and their impractical clothes shoes makeup and other things. When I saw a woman tottering down the street in a tight skirt I just so envied her. Now I?m able to do all those things. I never thought I?d achieve the position of being able to go out dressed as a woman and do girlie things. Going to beauty salons or visiting ladies wear shops and bra boutiques is especially liberating. Summer?s here. What would I want to do more than get dolled up in a summer outfit?!

[Glenda58]

I golf and dress. Just last week golf with new shorts and a cute top.

[Heather76]

I've never asked why I do this, but I have asked why I didn't discover this side of me 50 years ago. I wasted what could have been a lot of great years cross dressing.

[Samantha43]

It is what it is. I've been crossdressing for almost 50 years, since I was 12. I took a nine year break when raising my kids to coach, be a scoutmaster, be a band geek dad and be involved in their lives. I thought about my feminine side every freaking day. It never went away. Their lives were more important, so I managed. I got caught when they came home early from visiting grandma one Sunday. "Daddy, You're dressed like a girl". They immediately accepted me for who I am (my wife was pissed....but got over it). It was life changing. My daughter is a cosmetologist and gives me girly gifts for Christmas and my birthday. My son understands who I am, but we don't talk about it. I have a great relationship with both of them. All that being said. If I was offered a blue pill or a pink pill. I'd take the blue pill and be done with this.

[Claire81]

Really interesting seeing everyone's experiences. I can't speak for anyone else... For me, I gain comfort and serenity that I've never been able to obtain elsewhere. And I have tried...
❤ Claire

[Barbra54]

I find it relieves stress. I'm alone while slipping on lingerie and the smoothness and tightness of it all is extremely relaxing.

[Joanne108]

I know why I do this. It is because I love the way I look when I am finished dressing. Then I love the experience of being in the world and presenting as myself as a woman!

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

I too know why I do this. I am addicted to femininity. I enjoy sleeping in a nightie and panties. I also enjoy dressing from head to toe in femme attire so that I can present myself in public as a well dressed woman, which my wife and I do frequently.

[Kris Burton]

The joy and sensation of being able to experience some level of femininity, at least on a superficial level, keeps me an active crossdresser. I would never want to stop, I believe I am the better person for it.

[Marketa]

I do it because it helps with His (OG body owner) depression. For Him it's like trial version of death. He just fades away from existence and has peace for at least few hours and I take charge of everything that's needed to be done. And that's including morning yoga and soon some workout (I'm not fully recovered from a flu, so I have to postpone this still a bit). I also did some chores he avoided for weeks and I keep the kitchen and apartment cleaner and tidier.
We are two separate persons. Only downside is, that we have only one income (His) we have to support Him as well as my shopping for clothes and shoes and soon make-up.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I don't know why I do this, and I just don't care. It would be nice to have an answer so I could explain it to my wife.

But to take an alternative view, why doesn't everyone do it.

There is one theory, or at least a postulate, as to why some people do it, and it's developmental, but not genetic.

When the embryo / fetus develops, different things happen in a timeline. All embryos start as female and then they differentiate into male and female (or intersex) The gonads develop (or at least begin to develop) in the first trimester and subsequently become fixed. The brain develops during the second trimester. If for some reason there is "too much" estrogen (or not enough testosterone) in the second trimester, the brain develops more feminine characteristics, to some greater or lesser degree. So there is a physiological reason for gender dysphoria: male gonads, female brain.

Once this happens, a ticking time bomb is created just waiting for the right conditions to make it (or allow it) to go off.

While some people believe God made man and then God made woman, God also made intersex. I remember reading about a biological "man" who had a lot of feminine behavior. He went to the doctor for a routine ultrasound to check on kidney stones. When he was getting the ultrasound done, even the medical technician could identify female parts in "his" abdomen. In effect, his feminine behavior was the result of provable "estrogen poisoning". Who's to say we all don't have a little bit of that going on.

[Jade P]

One night last week we were walking in the mall and it was warm outside. My wife asked me why I was pulling up my pants all the time and why I was wearing long jeans in that warm weather. I told her I was wearing long jeans because I'm was wearing pantyhose and I was pulling up my pants because the pantyhose are control top and they tighten my waist and the silkiness make my pants slip down. Her next comment was why do I do this to myself and not just dress comfortable.
I told her that's a great question and explains where my mind is, I have to do what I have to do at any price and any discomfort. I told her I guess life would be to easy and boring if I didn't have these feelings, in which she answered one thing for sure our life is very interesting with my little habit. I guess we are all in the same boat.


Maria, I know exactly what you are saying. This happens to me as well, but I still love wearing pantyhose under my pants or nylon panties under my shorts.

[Lacey New]

Like most of us, I have been trying to find the answer for years. There are some theories tha t speculate that a predisposition to crossdressing occurs in the womb. Who knows for sure. However, I believe that to a certain degree, the behavior is self taught and is addictive. Many of us enjoyed a good feeling thrill when we put on our first item of women?s apparel. And because it felt so good, we had an urge to repeat the act. And then, similar to addictive drugs, we needed more and more to sustain the ?high?. I started with panties but soon found out that panties and a bra were better. Then started adding other lingerie and stockings and eventually outerwear. The ?high? is not what it was some decades ago e but the enjoyable feelings are still there.

[SylphDevine]

I know in my case my MoM had terrible rheumatoid arthritis, which while she was pregnant with me took barbituates regularly. Having done a lot of research in that area I've learned that women who took barbituates while pregnant and had boys, those boys mostly wanted to be girls.

I know growing up I was convinced when I hit puberty I would turn into a girl. When that didn't happen I was surprised and disappointed, but not defeated. I went forward expressing my girl side every chance I got, while realizing I needed to keep it all to myself. This was during the 60's where if you were gay or trans you got bullied. I know you still get bullied but this was post 50's style bullying. I was pretty good at keeping it a secret, only sharing it with two girlfriends, both who supported me and kept it under wraps at the same time.

Those explorations convinced me to keep Sylph in my consciousness, where she's been my whole life.