Help finding my way

[IsaZ]

Hi everyone. I?ve had to come out to my wife of 9 years as a crossdresser last month because she found a clothes hanger for a bra that I bought while she was away, and I did not want to lie about it. I?ve had fantasies of crossdressing all my life and that was the first time I?ve really acted on them.

She has been accepting and supportive of me expressing myself, and she even bought me a nightgown! I am very lucky to have her and I feel very loved.

My problem is figuring out what I like. I?ve always fantasized about being fully dressed, but as I try on clothes/underwear I feel like I just want to underdress or MIAD. It feels strange because I?ve always wanted to have a switch that turns me fully into a woman and then back to a man. Now that I?m experimenting, I?m enjoying just wearing pajamas or bra and panties.

I?m not trying to get ahead of myself but this has been a very exciting time and I feel pressure to figure out what I want, and I also don?t want to spend a lot on a different things while I?m experimenting.

I was wondering if anyone here has had similar experiences with figuring out what they like and could offer any advice.

Thanks for listening!
Isa

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Isa,

Spend some time reading about the problems that can arise for a spouse later on in this, there are several "stickies" and many threads. Your wife might be accepting and supportive in the beginning, and later change her mind.
For yourself, if you have never been fully dressed with hair, makeup and everything, you cannot imagine how powerful the feeling of seeing the girl in the mirror can be. YMMV of course, but for many of us, when you first go down that road, there is no way back.

When your wife ask you where this might be going long term, be very careful what you tell her. Most people have no idea at this stage, and while saying something like "I will never ____________ (insert anything here)" may seem a safe boundary right now, it might later come back and haunt you if you cross that line. It is often seen by a spouse as a lie, even though you simply didn't know any better at the time.

Have fun
Suzie

[Jillcder]

IsaZ, first off congratulations on having an accepting wife. My recommendation is to just enjoy the process it takes time/practice to become the woman of your dreams by this time next year you will not believe how much progress you have made with your Crossdressing. Enjoy the process!

[JocelynJames]

Hi Isa,
Def take your time figuring it out. What we like and what works well with our bodies can be different things. And, as mentioned, too much too fast can overwhelm your wife. I suggest maybe looking at the photo section here for styles that suit you. There are quizzes on line as well to figure out your?style? . Mine is classic?..mostly. Good luck and enjoy the experience!

[SylphDevine]

You're the switch that decides if you turn female. Since you've been in the closet so long it's a bit intimidating to suddenly be allowed to express yourself.

My suggestion would be to involve your wife. Tell her what you just told us. Ask her to take you shopping, and share her knowledge. Express to her about your confusion and reticence around female attire. It's normal considering how repressed you've been. Fantasies can be terrifying if the probability they can be realized occurs.

Baby steps are essential. Let yourself be free about what clothing gives you pleasure. Try it on. See how you feel with your eyes closed while you are imagining what you would look/feel like as female while wearing it.

Then, open your eyes. Make sure you understand that you'll need to work out the shame and disappointment you might feel. Revel in the joy and pleasure you may experience.

Every time I put on anything I radiate joy. This is why my wife accepts it, even if she has no emotional input to it. She takes me shopping though, and LOVES it when my eyes light up when I see something I like.

Let your emotional response to the article of clothing help you choose what to add to your wardrobe.

[Samantha43]

Take your time and enjoy the ride! Include you wife and ask her for suggestions. Most importantly, don't let crossdressing consume you.

[SylphDevine]

As long as she understands what pink fog is LOL

[JulieC]

IsaZ, first...WELCOME! You're making progress on a life long adventure!

Most importantly... PLEASE read what has been said above about handling things with your wife. This can not be overemphasized. Getting acceptance from a wife can cause the dam to break. Years of built up frustration, desire, fantasies, repression, anxiety, fear...it can all come spilling out like a dam breaking. This can easily...and I do mean EASILY...overwhelm your wife. No young woman is raised to imagine marrying the man of her dreams while he's wearing a beautiful wedding gown. That applies to all aspects of your life together. She is on a journey with this too. You've literally had all your life to think about this. She's had only the time since you've told her. There is a massive gulf of understanding here. It's going to take a long, long time to get to a place where you're both at the same level of understanding. Do not underestimate this. As much as this is your fantasy, as much as it is your desires in doing this... this is a JOINT journey the two of you are on. Don't forget that. Go slowly, take baby steps, nurture the relationship with your wife. Do not lie to her. That doesn't mean only being truthful with what you say; buying the hangar while she was away was a form of lying. You weren't planning on her finding out. That's deceit. Don't repeat that behavior. Trust is a major, major issue here. As you have found she has borders. Respect them, and don't push them. Many CDers here can tell you of absolutely how jealous they are that your wife is as onboard as much as she is. Do not ever...ever...take that for granted.

An inexpensive way to figure out things you like is... go shopping. Whether in person with your wife, by yourself, or perusing online catalogues. You don't have to buy a thing, but you can look at something and think "Hmm, no, definitely not what I'd like" to "that might be worth trying" to "holy cow that's beautiful! I have to have that!". People watching can help too. Not that you should be ogling women. That's disrespectful to them and to your wife. Observe, yes. Ogle, no. Look at shoes, clothes, form, hair, makeup and imagine if its something you'd like. Be realistic about your own body. If you're a size 20W, a skimpy little black dress on a size 2 model isn't going to look good on you. There are online sizing guides that can help you determine your sizes. Take full measurements of your entire body. There are guides for finding your right bra size. Also, measure your hips, your waist, your tummy. If you're interested in a wig, there's guides for measuring for a wig. I have all these measurements in a handy file that I open when I'm doing online shopping. It helps to narrow things down.

When you find something you love and just can't do without, take a moment to think "Ok, does that look great because of the model or does that look great because it looks great?" If the latter, then try it. Remember the rule of thumb; you will love it most in the store. If you don't feel very drawn to it in the store, you won't at home. Another rule of thumb; women's fashion is constantly changing. What is on the rack today isn't going to be on the rack tomorrow. If you find something you absolutely love, and you know from shopping before that you haven't seen something like it, you'd better get it now. I've reminded my wife of this a few times, and she's been very thankful. With guy's clothes, you can find the same exact shirt five years from now that you find on a rack today. Women's clothes, forget it. There was a pair of lace heels that I absolutely fell in love with in a shoe store 10 years ago. They were in my size, and just gorgeous. I would have loved to have owned those heels. I didn't buy them, and since then I've been looking
for something like them and failed.

A woman isn't defined by her attire. She's absolutely no less a woman dressed in t-shirt and jeans with no makeup than she is dressed on her wedding day. But, transforming yourself from a man to presenting as a woman usually involves quite a bit of work. That is, unless you just want to MIAD mode. That's easy; just put on the clothes. If you want to get to the point of passing (or as close as you can get), that can take hours.

Welcome to this wonderful world! It has lots of pitfalls to be sure, but that's why we're here. Feel free to keep asking questions!!

[Joanie CD]

Many of us here were where you are at some point. As far as not spending too much, thrift shops are the CD's friend. We have a great local charity-based store where tops are $3-4 and bottoms are $4-6. Good quality shoes are $10 or so. I am a regular customer, and they know me in both femme and male mode at this point. Look up Goodwill, Salvation Army, and St. Vincent de Paul for locations. There are also cheap consignment shops in some area. I have gotten good deals on shoes, in particular, via FB marketplace. Believe me the sellers don't care whether you're a man or a woman -- they just want to sell their stuff. Best of luck on your journey!

[Philipa Jane]

Hello Isa Z.
Welcome to the rabbit hole.
You say that you would love a switch to be able to turn yourself from guy mode to female mode.
This would be the dream of so many members here from years back.
Sadly that is just a fantasy.
Having been repressed all of your life (you have had the feelings a long time) and you are now acting upon what you feel inside. Good for you.
Amazing that your wife has been accepting but like so many have said take things slow. Work at her speed and be open with her.
Don't make any rash commitments about where this could go.
At some point you may want to go out in public to see if you pass. If you have previously said to her this will never happen it could look like you are going back on your word.
I am just using this as an example.
In my case when my wife found out I said I did not want to transition. Things always change.

Don't be in a hurry to find a style. Your wife if she stays onside will be your best guide in what works for you.
Good luck.
Philippa.

[Cheryl T]

I'm sure we all had moments of indecision like yours.
What do I want, what do I like. I began with underwear and for a long time thought that was it. Then I tried something else, then another. For me if I don't dress fully, I don't at all but now it's fully most of the time. You'll find your way. It's not one size fits all so don't concern yourself with what "everyone else" does. Do what makes you happy.

[Maid_Marion]

A lot of female fashion is not about figuring out what you like, but figuring out what makes you look good.
If your favorite color makes you look sickly, it may be best to avoid wearing that in public, no matter how much you love that shade of green.

I started by identifying my body type, which suggested flattering fashion choices. Most of us here are top heavy. This is the Inverted Triangle body type.
Then I identified my skin tone, which helped me select colors that make me look good.

Try stuff on at the thrift store to get and idea of your sizes. Write down the brands that fit really well.

Marion

[NancySue]

I hear you. Welcome to our world. It?s nice your wife is supporting. Treat her as a precious treasure. I know, I have one too. As you?ve read, ebb & flow, Pink Fog, etc. Dismiss your pressure. Go with the flow, try different things. You want to dress fully, Do it. If you want to underdress, Do it. Just wear a bra and panties. Do it. As I said, follow your desires, imagination, experimentation. Over the years, hose were #1, then bras, then panties, etc. I underdressed most of the time. Now retired, I?m dressed daily, sometimes totally, sometimes not. Keep your wife updated on your journey. Ask for her help and advice. They don?t like secrecy. Be honest. Mine has no understanding of why I wear hose, underwires, etc. Keep us updated on your sojourn.

[docrobbysherry]

Isa, when I began dressing later in life I shopped exclusively at thrift store so I wouldn't waste a lot of money figuring what I liked and didn't like. And, I still shop at them even tho I'm very picky since I have a semi trailer filled with women's things now!:devil:

They have 2nd hand clothing stores all over the world. I carry a small measuring tape in my pocket to be sure what I buy fits me without the embarrasment of trying them on in the stores!:o

[kimdl93]

Isa, what you are feeling seems perfectly normal to me. Explore at your own pace.

[IsaZ]

I really want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart for listening and giving me great advice. It?s such a good feeling to hear people put feelings that I have been feeling my whole life into words. I have been repressing my feelings until now and my #1 concern has been burdening my wife with my feelings.

Finding this forum which is filled with people who have many or all of the same feelings and experiences is already very helpful to me. I have also found a therapist to talk to and start next week.

I?m taking all your thoughts and advice in consideration. Thank you all so much for listening and taking time to respond this has already been immensely helpful! And again thank you all so much!

Isa

[CynthiaD]

Take it slowly, adding one item at a time. There are some milestones that will give you the feeling of making progress. In no particular order they are:

Your first panties.
Going panties full time. (White cotton ones for doctor visits.)
First dress or skirt (not borrowed).
First bra.
First breast forms.
First wig.
First lipstick.
First full makeup.
Pierced ears.
Jewelry, rings, earrings, necklaces, bracelets, anklets.
First corset.
There are many others that you can discover for yourself.

Remember that crossdressing is a good thing, something to be proud of. Enjoy your journey.

Best wishes,
Cindy.

[Kitty S]

Most people have no idea at this stage, and while saying something like "I will never ____________ (insert anything here)" may seem a safe boundary right now, it might later come back and haunt you if you cross that line. It is often seen by a spouse as a lie, even though you simply didn't know any better at the time.

Have fun
Suzie

This for sure. I don't know how many times I thought or said this is as far as I'll let it go. I'm relatively new but after 5+ years I'm still trying to figure out where this is all going. I do talk with my wife about my thoughts and fears with crossdressing and it seems to help her understand more and the most important thing she understands is that I don't even know sometimes. Enjoy and do what feels right to you. We are all very different in our styles, reasons and the extent of our transformations.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi IsaZ :hug:, Welcome to our Forum, When you are here, You are Home

What ever your question is, There is a 99.875% chance that one or more of us will have an answer for you,


Just a word of Caution, As the ball is in her court now, Be careful and don't overwhelm Her, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Susan_Michaela]

Hi and welcome to the forum. The only think I would suggest is since you?ve come out to your wife I?d suggest talking to her about what she?d like to see you wearing. Then go shopping with her and let her pick out your first few outfits. You might even start with goodwill or thrift stores to begin with. Especially starting out fresh since you both will have different ideas and choices. It?ll let her be involved as well as styles colors and sizes you?ll be wearing. Along the way you can then have more talks with your wife about your choices and figure out how far she?ll allow you to go and any rules to have with each other. You?ve already opened the door and communication is the key to your success and will help with her adjusting to your new lifestyle. We?ve all all been there already and most of us are settled into our lives now. Good luck and again welcome to crossdressers.com

[Sabine7]

Hi Isa,
partial or hidden crossdressing does satisfy me neither. I like to switching fully into a complete woman instantly, as fast as possible. I guess it takes me about 10 minutes. I like watching me in a wall mirror to ensure the woman on the other side is the one I like. If she is the one then I know I have done a good job. In my opinion, one of the most important thing is to choose the right wig which femininizes our face the best. Makeup will help too.
Sabine

[Helen_Highwater]

Is,
I'll add my vote to those who say go slow and don't overwhelm your SO. Afterall she's an expert in female dressing with years of experience and is likely to have boundaries of what she would like to see you in or not as the case may be.

If I've a piece of advice beyond that then it's dress your age. You stand more chance of obtaining a good look that way. Also avoid over sexualisation, the street hooker look. Modesty, look like most women your age look.

[bridget thronton]

Welcome to the forum Isa - thanks for a great first post - you have a great wife always keep talking to her

[ShelbyDawn]

First, welcome. This is a great place to find support and share your victories.
Second, I agree with others, go slow. Involve your wife as much as she's comfortable with.
Finally, there are no rules to this. Your dressing experience will be unique to you. There are gurls here that have to dress to the nines, and some, like me, that don't. For some, crossdressing is all visual, for others, it's move tactile. Find your you and be happy there.

Did I mention to involve your wife as much as she's comfortable with?

Good luck on your journey.

- - - Updated - - -

Oh, and one more thing. Get your wife to take you for a mani-pedi!!!!

[alwayshave]

Isa, Welcome to the forum. With regards to your wife, like others have said, take it slow.