Jessica feels like she's fading away...

[Jessica G.]

Hey everyone, I have mentioned on here some time ago about burnout and how I can overcome it. For a while I was able to. I was still interested in shopping and it helped me continue to dress.
But lately I feel worse than I did when I first got burned out.
To give some back history, I have been dressing for 3 years. In the beginning it was the pink fog stage until I was all set up. I used to doll up a lot more. More time and effort into it etc.
Now through the month of May something has changed. I will continue to dress up but I just don't feel like I used too. I'm not talking about the beginning but the being content and liking the way I look in the mirror. I hardly wear dresses and other nice clothing other than to take a pic and change into a tank top and shorts. I don't have the drive to put on a dress and other accessories. Now I don't even feel like dressing in casual cloths anymore (I do still do make up even if its casual). I will dress like I normally do after work but I sit there and its not the same. Now I know this happens a lot and people always say that it will come back, but I'm not so sure. I feel like this is a phase that is finally starting to fade out like many other things I used to love to do but don't any longer and I'm afraid of that.
Inside there is a tiny part that wants to hang on to Jessica, but its so hard to overcome the lack of desire.
For a while I hated calling it crossdressing, even though it is and rather I considered myself Bi gender if I had to put a label on it. I can like myself dressed as a male or female.
But lately I've been jealous of GG's and their figures and just see myself as a fake sadly. I used to look back at the tons of photos of myself and they used to build confidence but not so much anymore.
Not to long ago I wanted to go out so badly. Now that thought doesn't cross my mind anymore. Its like this whole thing has been flipped off for some reason. Maybe its the depression, the loss of supportive friends I knew once had, the constant fear of getting found out by people I don't want to know, idk what it may be but that's what comes to mind.

I don't want to sound like a downer (though I do) but I just don't know what to do anymore or how to get past this when deep down inside I cherish my fem side. Other than my therapist and wife who supports me, this forum is the only other place for me to turn too. Thanks for reading my rambling.

Jessica

[SylphDevine]

I'm not a Doctor, but you're suffering from depression.

Find a therapist who will LISTEN to you and process your grief/depression.

It's a fair thing for you to do for yourself (in my opinion)

:hugs:

[Rhonda Jean]

Same here. Took me 40+ years to get there though. Still trying to get it back, and I'll have bursts of motivation, but rarely. I mourned it for a while. Now it's more like acceptance, and it's not so bad. I had a good run.

[Jessica G.]

If only it were so simple. I have been seeing a therapist for over a year, not because of this but to find the root cause of my depression. She knows I do dress and when I mention wants or fears of out in public I'm just met with "why can't you go out?" What does it matter what others think or feel? Stuff like that, that in the moment will make sense and a boost in confidence, but its short lived and back to the type of thinking I listed above which does not help the current depression sadly.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Just to throw something out here. Find a "partner in crime". Either a CD/TG or a GG who likes going out with you as a girl. Find fun places to go and just do it. Sometimes, half the fun is seeing who can pull off the sexiest or most outrageous "costume". Go shopping together and help each other try on new clothes together in the dressing room.

[kimdl93]

Jessica, as a person who has coped with several fairly major bouts of depression and many ongoing minor periods of the same, I know how these impacted my mood. It?s not uncommon to lose the motivation to get dressed during such episodes. From my own experience, the moods or lack of motivation (of all kinds) will pass with time.

Don?t put pressure on yourself to dress if you are not feeling it. The time will come when it comes. The same applies to going out dressed.

[JesseVF]

Jessica - I can relate quite well with your status and have been in a similar situation the past few months. However I must say I was pleasantly suprised that after traveling the past two weeks visiting family without any cd thoughts, I seem to be remotivated. I have been enjoying the last few days upon returning going out dressed (at least as much as I do which is pretty low key). So it?s up and down but I?m trying to enjoy as much as possible. I hope you regain your positivity and enjoyment level - you always look amazing.

[Crissy 107]

Jessica, Such good advice already, we all have those times but hang in there you will be ok. Your interest in dressing will be back, it always comes back.

[Claire M]

I agree with Steffi. A partner in crime can definitely change your motivation. I have also found that when I lack motivation for something I like to do, i set it aside for a while. Take a trip or get involved in another pursuit. You will always find your way back, often with much more enthusiasm. (Just do not purge when you step away!!)

[Suzie Petersen]

As long as you are not making a living as a female impersonator, then it is not so bad I guess ;)

I think a lot of us go through these phases now and then where it just doesn't have the same spark. But in my experience, when it does reignite, it does so with a vengeance.
Like most things, if you try and force it, it is not the same.

It does sound like general depression is the real problem you are dealing with, and the lack of excitement is the side effect. Depression takes the fun out of everything.
It also sounds like you are already aware of this and are seeing a therapist, so you are on the right track, girl! Keep working through it and suddenly one day you will look back and wonder what all that was about :)

Hang in there :hugs:

[Karren H]

Over the last 6 decades of dressing I have had those cycles of up and down, dress and not, come and go so many times. I am kind of in one now but as always, I expect it will come back one of these day like it has many many times before. In the meantime I have other things to keep me occupied. So do not sweat it and remain calm.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Karren

Given your current "hobby" of nurturing you 38DDs (did I get the size right?), I don't understand how you can have up cycles and down cycles, unless you are referring to the angle of the droop. LOL. I know that you're an engineer an will probably have a chuckle about my geometric reference.

[Kitty S]

Jessica, I recently was dressed for several weeks and then we had company so I stopped. One day led to the next and a week went by without any attention to my femme side. It was hard to get back to dressing, always another chore, trip to town or visit to be had and just not enough time for Kitty. I started to feel like putting everything in some boxes and move on with life. I finally planned a day and went full Kitty. Of course family drama came about and I was on the phone with Mom then sister dealing with another family blow out. Sheesh I almost changed back to drab after that. I suppose even though CD'ing is relaxing etc the thing is you can't escape the rest of life forever. It's a great release but life is still there waiting to teach us something else. Hang in there, we are all supporting you and sending good thoughts.

[Karren H]

36DDs but whose counting, Steffi. Lol. I see what you did there, And there are now definite big down turn every time I take of my bra. But even with theses, since they do not go away, I still have non dressing times and go braless a lot.

[alliy377]

I would love to have mine done, although my wife is dead set against it, but I do have those thoughts of if I did, what would happen if I no longer wanted to dress. Don't foresee that happening, but you never know what life will throw at you.
Stay strong ladies.

[Debbie Denier]

I stopped dressing for 10 years after children came on the scene. It came back with a vengeance.

[Jessica G.]

Thank you all for sharing your experience. It seems this happens to a lot of people and knowing this helps me realize I am not alone.
I will not purge and my wife would stop me if I did.
I wish I could find someone local that I can trust to go out and about with, but its hare when you don't know any other CDr in person.
When I mentioned Jealousy of GGs, I mean their natural hips and of course boobs. My wife is ok with it if I wanted a pair but its just out of the question with how I would explain it to family. Maybe later in life.

I really appreciate everyone here. I am going to try and get past this one day at a time and hopefully depression can stop controlling my life.

Jessica <3

[DianeT]

If you want a pair of boobs it seems to me like you are leaning more on the transgender side than just crossdressing, so maybe a therapist is still in order, just one more specialized in transgenderism.
My drive for dressing to full nines waned a bit in recent years. It used to be more intense. And I attribute this to two things. First, like Rhonda said, "I had a good run" (even if nothing to compare with Rhonda's!). I explored this side of me at length, and got some answers so to speak. The girl I could have looked like, I now know how it'd have looked like. The eerie sensations of being fully dressed as a woman, I now know what they feel like. And second, I used to hide this from my wife for a very long time until I came out to her. I am pretty sure that doing it in complete secrecy let me enjoyed it fully because of the liberty it granted, and, although this may come as an apparent paradox, the lack of any guilt. Today, I do it with my wife knowing, and knowing how difficult it is for her despite the fact that she accepts me, makes it a bittersweet experience. Did you use to hide your dressing from your wife?

[Jessica G.]

Diane,
I don't think I want to transition. I do want a feminine chest but I cant live that life. To many things stopping me and I don't want to be disowned by my family. It may be something I can do later in life but it is a downer sometimes. My wife would be fine with everything but a bottom transition which I don't want anyway. (I also still want children)
As for hiding my CD, no I never hid it from my wife. We have been together since high school 14 years ago and got married in October of 2021. Before we got married I told my wife about my interest in women's underwear. She accepted it and said she would let me know if something didn't sit right with her. It then went from that to full dress, heels, hair, makeup in less than a month. She never had an issue with the progression. To this day I have presented as Jessica 95% of the year, pretty much daily unless we have something to do. This has been almost the same for the years prior. I was Honest with her a month before we got married. She told me she married me for me, not for the sole reason that I am a man. She's been supportive since the beginning.

[docrobbysherry]

This site is loaded with unlicensed therapists, Jess. So, I won't presume. But, if you've been dressing every day and now don't want to? Just do what u feel like!:thumbsup:

I have no idea if this helps? But, after my first year of dressing I was ready to give it up. I looked terrific from the side and back.:daydreaming:

But, my old man face ruined the image for me!:doh:

Then, I tried on a mask at Halloween and 25+ years later Sherry's still flying high!:battingeyelashes:
Maybe u just need to find your groove?:)

[Sometimes Steffi]

I wish I could find someone local that I can trust to go out and about with, but its hard when you don't know any other CDer in person.
Jessica <3

It's surprising that you can't find a local CDer in SoCal. Without mentioning any names, I think I could find someone, probably multiple someone's from this forum in SoCal. Aren't there a couple of "Hamburger Mary's" in SoCal, like Long Beach, Ontario and West Hollywood? Maybe someone could accompany you to a Hamburger Mary's to meet other CDs.

You might want to see if there is someone local on the forum and "chat them up" over PMs. See about meeting up with them (en femme or en homme) and do a safety check. I've met about 30% of my "Friends" FtF, some on a "blind date" from here and others by meeting them FtF first at some venue and then "friending them" after meeting them. The very first CD I every met FtF was a local girl that I first chatted up here. We met en femme at a widely known LGBT restaurant for lunch and drinks.

So this is me "Paying it Forward" as I said in another current post.

Feel free to PM me and to "friend" me.

Please do it because you want to, not because "I told you so."

I'm not advocating the you go out and meet someone, just exposing how it could be done if you were interested in meeting someone.

[DianeT]

She told me she married me for me, not for the sole reason that I am a man. She's been supportive since the beginning.
We have a very similar couple story, met in high school and married a decade and a half later. But I only told her 36 years into our relationship. And I began dressing at an early age. You did right to tell her before wedding. Glad for you that it worked out with your future wife. And if it's any help, you don't look like a fake.

[Marketa]

Jessica, you don't want to transition but you'd love to have GG's curves from time to time. So what you want is to be shapeshifter. Welcome to the club!

We should make a thread about it, I would definitely join :)