How do you address the "Why" question

[Lovely Rose]

Hello lovelies

I am being open about my CDing to my wife. The way she is handling it is that she ignores the elephant in the room. Now I don't want to be pushy, so whenever she feels like talking about it, this is my chance. I told her that I am not gay and I don't want to transition. I just want to enjoy this form of self expression in a casual and balanced way.

The most difficult part to talk about (when she wants to talk about it) is the "why", I consider this a mysterious part of me that I hope to find an answer for one day, and I am okay with not knowing the answer. And whenever she poses the question, my most honest answer is that I don't know, and her question triggers within me again the desire to have a clear why. I am curious to know your whys, your perspectives may shed some light on some aspect I am not aware of in myself.

Have a lovely day!

[SophiaRose]

I?m not sure I could answer the ?why?. It would be much easier to describe how it makes me feel: happy, joyful, complete, often aroused?so many other feelings as well. Maybe thats an easier place to start?

[Marketa]

There's many whys so the question can't be answered by others. Luckily for me my why is simple: escapism.

My male-self suffer with depression and it went so bad, that suicide was on the table. It were "just" passive suicidal ideations (i.e. I don't want to kill nor harm myself, but I want to die), but it looked like only matter of time.

So he created me and now when at home he can "die" in peace and I take over, do chores, workout etc. And to be honest since April since we started his depression got a lot better and except short burst of PSI here and there when in stress he's doing much, much better :)

[Suzie Petersen]

I have not yet heard a good scientific explanation to the question of why some men feel such a strong need to dress and present like women now and then, and believe me I have looked for one.
The answer "I simply do not know, but it makes me feel really good and very happy" is a lot better than trying to come up with some reasons that you might later regret. Focus on how it makes you feel.

If you haven't already, then I recommend reading the original post by Marla GG "How to tell your partner" which is a Sticky in this section. It has some great level-headed advise. You might even want to shared Marla's words with your wife.

Your wifes reaction of simply ignoring the issue is very normal, but it is not healthy for your relationship. Working together on finding an acceptable compromise that allows you to explore this part of you, is much better, how ever hard the first conversations might be.
If you wait for your wife to initiate a conversation, you might be in for a very long wait.

[bridget thronton]

I stopped asking why - I prefer the comfort and style of dresses

[alwayshave]

Rose, I stopped wondering why a long time ago. I have had the compulsion to dress from a very early age. So early that it's just part of me.

[Cheryl T]

I searched for "Why?" for about 50 years and never found the answer.
I finally just gave up and accepted myself for who I am.

I went through the same thing when I came out to my wife. I'm not gay, I'm not TS, I'm not looking to transition or run off to join the circus (LOL). I don't know WHY so I can't tell you. Personally I believe it's genetic. There are 3 male cousins in my family around my age and all are gay, I crossdress. It has to be genetic as far as I'm concerned. I was never abused or dressed as a girl when little or any of that. I simply enjoy expressing my femininity in this way.

Good luck with your search. Mine reached a dead end and I am so much happier now that I've stopped looking.

[JocelynJames]

Because the clothes feel good, look good , AND WHY NOT?!

[Sometimes Steffi]

I've read an hypothetical explanation for being on the transsexual spectrum. The gonads start to develop in utero during the first trimester. Those with XY chromosomes develop male gonads. The brain develops during the second trimester. It has been hypothesized that an excess of estrogen is released in utero, thereby "feminizing" the brain. This leads to gender dysphoria because the brain and gonads are incongruent.

Maybe some of us get a more feminized brain and are immediately drawn to feminine things, including playing with Barbie rather than toy trucks. The joke goes, "What's the difference between a crossdresser and a transsexual? Two years." Maybe all of us are really TS but got arrested at some point due to societal pressures and became "just a crossdresser" rather than "graduating" to TS.

I also believe that there's a another explanation. For some reason, maybe even a random reason, some of try on some women's clothes. Some of us may get aroused by some good feelings that result, and come back for more. This becomes an alternate form of arousal, in addition to the more common method(s) of arousal. As the brain is maturing, this feeling of arousal gets "baked in", and the dressing arousal remains permanently.

I know that others have different experiences that finding out later in life, so these two "explanations" don't cover everyone.

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I had "The Talk" I told her I did not know why I do what I do! I also told her I wished I didn't. I have to admit life would have been a lot simpler if I did not have this need. Our discussion predated the internet. There was no information out there. There was a lot of misconceptions. It seems those misconceptions still exist today and are the knee-jerk reactions to the revelation than a male would want to wear women's clothing and emulate a woman.

As to the "Why?" I do what I do, I really don't know. My former counselor for combat related PTSD is of the opinion that eat man and woman has some DNA of the opposite sex, and, in some it is greater than in others. To me, that may explain the scope of sexual orientation and expression across the spectrum. In the beginning there was a heavy emphasis on sexual gratification, but that does not really mean much when it comes to an adolescence. Wearing women's clothing or viewing Playboy, is there any difference. With maturity it comes to more of expression rather than anything else, at least for me. Yes, there is a component of stress relief; seeking refuge away from one station in life to another.

[countrygirl]

Because I see a woman when I look at the mirror and the clothes feel so comfy.

[NancySue]

Like others, over the years, I?ve spent many hours reading, researching for the elusive ?why?. To date, no definitive, reason. I know it?s here, sometimes with high intensity. I told my wife before nuptials. She became fascinated with my compulsive need to dress and together, we spent a lot more time talking, researching, reading, etc. Thank goodness she?s totally accepting and supportive. I appreciate her sense of humor as she occasionally teases me, especially how can I enjoy underwire bras, hose or heels. I don?t know either, but I still feel the thrill when I dress and when she buys me things. We?ve just accepted it as part of us, which it definitely is. Life?s too short.

[docrobbysherry]

I was over 50 before I ever even thot about trying on women's things! So, I've always wondered why? The only thing I can come up with is changing hormones. I was put on hormonal meds for my prostate at just about the same time!:eek:

However, I believe I've become so deeply involved in it for the same reason as Marketa, escapism! I mean, what other hobby can a 80+ y/o man have where he can be hanging out, hugging, and dancing with pretty, young women like we were Friday nite at a club!?:devil:

[Georgina]

I have no answer to the why but I say that it makes me feel great.

[Stephanie Michelle]

There most likely is no why. I use the analogy of to a GF or spouse. Ask them why they like guys and not girls! When they can't answer that, say that exactly how it is with me wanting to dress up. Its just what seems natural to me.

[Kris Burton]

It would be much easier to describe how it makes me feel: happy, joyful, complete, often aroused?so many other feelings as well. Maybe thats an easier place to start?
...and for me these reasons are exactly why, and I know it. As a shy and naive adolescent and young adult I missed much and always felt left out of the social scene. As I eventually matured and realized what I had missed it left me with a deep regret that would not let go, a deep feeling that something was missing in my psyche. The feelings crossdressing provides go far into filling that void and I am the better, more well adjusted person as a result.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

If you ever come up with a good answer, let us know please.

But I have another "Why" question. Why is it considered bad or weird that we want to wear cute and comfy clothes? And while I don't bother with makeup, why is it bad for a guy to want to look better when it's perfectly normal for women to want to? Why can women wear 10 pounds of jewelry but my toe ring is weird?

[SometimesNatalie]

I?m not sure I could answer the ?why?. It would be much easier to describe how it makes me feel: happy, joyful, complete, often aroused?so many other feelings as well. Maybe thats an easier place to start?

This is the best answer I've been able to come up with in about 25 years of stressing about why and what it means.

Part of me has internalized this simple answer, part of me still wants more information to justify or explain it. It's frustrating.

[GracieRose]

Like you, I have to honestly say that I don't know why. We're all created differently, and this is how I am. The physiological reason is probably different for everyone although there are likely commonality and differences between sisters. I am not attracted to guys but I have always felt more at home in the company of with women (girls when I was young) than males. It is obvious to me that I am a woman, but was cursed with a Y chromosome and the unfortunate effects of testosterone poisoning. That's just my cross to bear. Transition? I have dreamt of this since I was a young girl forced to function as a guy. However, my best and only friend, whom I am married to, would be uncomfortable with me transitioning, and I vowed to love and honor her until death. To me this includes personal sacrifice to facilitate her comfort. She tolerates Grace's frequent excursions out-and-about to facilitate my comfort. That is her personal sacrifice and the compromise that we are currently at, and authentic life is filled with compromises.

[Fiona_44]

I tell people that I really am not sure why but I feel that men are a mix of both male and female characteristics and, with some men, the female part is more prominent than the male part. I find that I am one of them and am much happier living life as the female part of me.

[nvlady]

It looks like we might have about 20,000 members of this forum and none of us know why.

[tbryant2k16]

I don't know thew answer either. Likely a combination of many factors. Just the love of the wide variety of clothing available, the feel of the clothing and comfort. Could be variations in biology, genetic and hormones. I could have more dominate female traits active. For body hair, I have very little and thin hair.

[Heather76]

When my wife asked me why on earth I would want to wear a bra, nylons, and a dress when she couldn't wait to take them off when she got home from work, my honest answer was, "If I knew why, I'd tell you. But, I don't know why. I just know I thoroughly enjoy dressing in women's clothes."

[danniUK]

For me "why" is a simple answer: there's a part of me that just loves/needs to feel girly, and I don't feel complete without that.
I *think* I need both the masculine and the femme aspects, though I won't lie and will admit that I've fantasised about transitioning and giving up the former entirely/physically.
But it's not something I could ever do, not just because of my wife and kids but also because I do think I need both the masc and femme part of me.
Is that just because I've spent nearly 50 years with the masc part of me included and I can't imagine living without it? Maybe. I did come to the realisation recently that if I could go back to my birth and chose my gender it'd be female without a second thought.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I used to have this fantasy as a kid. I find this cave and there's this elevator in it. When you get into the elevator and you go down (which is the only way to go). Each story you go down, you get younger and younger until you reach the single cell zygote stage. Switch out the Y chromosome for another X and go back up. When you get the the top, you're the girl you were supposed to be. You can also go back down and retrieve the Y you left and the bottom and return to the top as the same boy you were.

[Kitty S]

The best part of being here is surrounding myself with others who have been CDing for many years and still not a reason why! I came here looking for answers, maybe a cure lol. I have instead found acceptance and kindness, who needs the answer?

[kimdl93]

If asked, the most honest answer is I have no idea. I might elaborate on the variety of hypotheses that are floated, but to my knowledge most supposed explanations fall into the categories of speculation, rationalization or self-justification.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

He doesn't know I CD, which is good, but my best friend asked me why I wear a toe ring. I said "Why not?" And that was that.

[Rachelakld]

I overheard a girl about 7, while I was on a 3 hour ferry ride ask her mum "why's that man dressed like a lady?". Her mum looked traumatised by the question.
The little girl got my attention, so I turned to her and got on a knee to her level and explained "god gave me a really nice mans body, but he gave me a smart girls brain"
The girl was satisfied, mum smiled a "thank you" to me.

My answer, is the answer for young children.
My answer for an adult female maybe " I just really love how fantastic and smart women are, that I want to be one".
My answer for an adult male might be " It's just less stressful than being a male"
My answer to a biologist might be "why scratch an itch?"

My answer for my wife is a bit more honest "I don't know why"

[prene]

I have gone over that question with my therapist.

Some ways I think it might be easier but,

I love dressing and being feminine, she(my therapist) asked me why I like chocolate . . . I told her I just did and we both laughed

[Kayy]

Well I tied myself in knots over the why question for a long time, then just accepted it?s who I am. Once I?d done that, life became a lot easier.

[MarinaTwelve200]

Being a Scientist, I can't stand not to know "why" for ANYTHING, especially in a personal matter. It started as "Curiosity" when I was 12, was an "erotic escape" for a while, and stabilized as "a vacation away from myself" (and maleness) which allows me to COMPLETELY "unwind" and "De-Stress". the "pleasant feelings " or eroticism and "feeling pretty" also lurk in the background making the event even more enjoyable. Basically I am an "escapist" becoming NOT who I am if only a few hours and be relaxed with no worries and concerns about my male self. Yes, I am aware that there are several DIFFERENT motivations for straight males to cross-Dress. Some are the exact opposite, feeling their "fem self" is their "true self" and CDing is something to "come home" to. others get a Humiliation/SM "kick" out of it, while others enjoy the "risk taking" HIGH. Sometimes it is as simple as a erotic fetish or of simply enjoying the "feel" of the fabric. I would not go so far as "there are as many reasons as there are CDers" for doing it, and "Everybody is different", but there are likely 10nto around 15 or so reasons for doing it, depending on the person. Of course with Homosexually, Transsexualism, etc. there are other factors at play unique to those "conditions", which would not really be termed "cross-Dressing" as such in terms of the NOUN (Formally called Transvestitism), but they might also cross-dress (Verb) for "identity" or other reasons.

[Freddi]

WHY??? Quite simply because I find the cloths more comfortable that male cloths and I enjoy experimenting with make-up etc .....So WHY NOT

[Stephj]

I am 60 years old and I still keep asking my self why. I am seriously considering finding a therapist. All I can say is I really love the feeling of wearing a bra and a pair of panties

[Steph_CD_62]

When my current wife asked me why, I gave the best answer I could give her.

For some reason it relaxes me, and I feel more comfortable wearing women's clothes.

I also told her I wish I knew why women's clothes does this to me, but I wasn't sure and I'm still not sure.

[Deborah G]

I enjoy the way it makes me feel; I love exploring that other side of me, which a long time ago I forego trying to deny. I may go for some time between being Deborah, but I always come back and it is almost as exciting as the first time!

[Megan b]

Why? I don't know. I don't really ask that question much anymore. I finally just excepted that it is or has become part of me.

[Meg]

I must say that I have had most or all of the reasons Marina wrote about and perhaps a few not mentioned. Whatever the reason(s), I know that I have come to embrace it. Those who clean my house after my passing are going to be left wondering. But that is for another forum post I suppose.

[jacques]

hello,
My wife has never asked me "Why?"; she says "it's only clothes!"
For decades I was asking myself why, and never found the answer.
Then I stopped worrying about the answer and just accept it like my wife.
luv J

[Erin Lafleur]

Because I am somehow hard wired this way. I found it very enticing as a young child and nothing has changed for 60 years.
In fact, it has become more central to my life primarily due to being happily single and having my son spread his wings and leave the nest.
I couldn't reasonably explain the why to another without understanding it myself. I just know that I thoroughly enjoy it.
Plus, nobody's asking!

[DianeT]

The Why? A noble but endless quest, that will probably leave you with more questions than you entered it with. And what is really meant by Why? Where do you stop? At "Because it makes me feel good"? Or at "This is a map of my brain. X marks the crossdressing spot."? After all, some may one day ask you "why do you like strawberry ice cream?", and you may be as much challenged to explain why your particular brain does.
But that should not stop you from trying! You will learn a lot of interesting things about yourself in the process. Some journeys can last a lifetime and never reach their destination, but that doesn't prevent us to enjoy the ride.

[SylphDevine]

When I get to asking why, I simply go into my dresser, select some deliciousness, put them on and go about my business.

That usually settles the "why" pretty quickly. because when I dress up, all the why's go away and everything is replaced with a most fabulous awareness of why.

[Maria 60]

The funny thing with me was after a year I told my wife and I was always trying to figure it out and relieve us both from this extra burden on our lives. Instead she told me to stop trying to figure out and stop feeling guilty and just enjoy it when opportunity comes. So that was over thirty years ago and I still don?t know why.

[Raychel]

The Question "Why?"

I have had my very good friend ask me this a couple of times.
When the topic comes up. Just recently this did come up.
I don't have a real good answer for this. I did tell her the honest truth.
When I am dressed it definitely relaxes me and is like a little escape from the normal stresses of life
I do enjoy that time, and dread when it is time to change back to guy mode.
We talked about this very thing for a bit. I don't haver a real good answer/
I told her that you could do research for years and probably could not come up with a good solid answer
every person is differant and all have their own reasons that drive them.
But for myself, it is relaxing and I so enjoy the feeling of being dressed.
So much better than wearing guy pants and a t-shirt.

I dont have a good reason for myself. And told her that. other than I just enjoy it.

Someone in this thread said it is like why does someone like a certain food.
I guess it would be along that line.
I suppose I could flip the coin on her and ask why she only likes to wear pants.
Or why does she lean towards a brown purse and not a black one.
Why do I dress, because I like to.

It confuses me too sometimes.
And I am the dresser. :heehee:

[PaulaJeanette]

I suspect that at some point in our lives we have all confronted this question. As many have already expressed, why we "crossdress" is a dilemma with no simply, satisfactory answer. As a result, I have personally come to simply ACCEPT this as being who i am AND a part of me. End of search!

[HollyGreene]

Personally, I don't care why.
I didn't consciously choose to cross dress.
I just feel privileged to be able to experience the sensations and emotions that it brings with it.
I love being a CD.

[DavynaCD]

It?s hard to explain. In the end I said I do it because it makes me feel sexy and alive. Life is too short. Much love to you . ❤️

[CarlaWestin]

I have not yet heard a good scientific explanation to the question of why some men feel such a strong need to dress and present like women now and then......

Here you go. This is very scientific. I once met a girl with an RV on fire and........
No wait, that's a different story.
Having pondered that question for a while I've nearly unscientifically concluded that my interaction with mom and sisters influenced this wonderful activity. All the scurrying around and aromas of beauty products and seeing the preparations for female presentation and even helping as the youngest. Very impressionable for a young boy growing up and collecting data while running headlong into puberty. Geez, I could have probably been as good of a beautician as I was in my very masculine career. I just remember all of that and how pleasurable and important it was to be beautiful and then it was never my turn. Damn it. But after I secretly had my turn, I carefully returned everything back to where I found it.

[audreyinalbany]

ultimately I think we all need to give it up and just settle on "I like it"

[Suzie Petersen]

Here you go. This is very scientific. I once met a girl with an RV on fire and........
No wait, that's a different story.
Ha ha! Oh yes, the "RV Microwave Fire Coming Out Party" story, indeed a different one!

I did not grow up with sisters, and I don't remember my mother being overly feminine on a day to day basis. She was home with us through my upbringing so she did not have to get ready for going to work.
I have seen some pictures of her when she was young, and she was beautiful then.

I do not have any memories of a specific moment or event that triggered the desire to dress as a girl. But when the idea first got into my head, there was no turning back. Only option seemed to be fast forward and accelerate! I am still developing the female side of me, and her presentation.

Whatever started it, at this point in my life I do it "Because it makes me feel good", like DianeT and others already said. Aside from that, there is also an element of wanting to perfect the look, experiment with hair and makeup to see how different I can make it from my male presentation. Some element of how good can I get at doing this, like can I walk in those 4" stiletto sandals? Can I wear them all day and not be uncomfortable, can I _______ (insert anything here that is specific to a female presentation).
I hesitate a little calling it a hobby, but I do think there is a bit of that in there too, for me.
At least there are similarities to other hobbies I have where I always aim to perfect the result of what I am doing.

[Raychel]

Haha, I totaly forgot about the Microwave fire outing.
I imagine someday a similar unplanned outing will happen to some of us
Especially me, I dress so often. I bet one day the outside world will out me for some reason.

I like that Suzie. "Because it makes me feel good" I may just have to use that after the discussion,
if and when it comes up again.

[Christina89]

Like most of our fellow ladies have said, it makes me feel good and less stressed. A lot of times being Christina for a bit helps me feel less depressed as well. People will always ask the why question and we?ll just tell them as best as we can why.

[Lacey New]

Been trying to figure out why for many years now and still don?t have a good answer. A few theories though thinking that the ?rush? experienced in early experiences was addicting. The same ?rush? may not be there as it was years ago but the general good feeling still is there.

[abby054]

Let us say for the sake of argument that I figure out why in all its glory and detail. That would suffice for many here on this forum, but as an engineer, l then ask, Of what use is this knowledge? Other than satisfying my curiosity, which is important in its own right, Now what? How can knowing why form a basis for actions that make my life better? How can it be used to improve the lives of others?

To those questions, I have no good answer.

Therefore, as an engineer, I will put my effort into improving other things for myself and others. I will remain watchful in case some scientist discovers the reason why but for now, I will work on other things that are more likely to produce useful results.

[Deborah G]

I stopped asking "Why?" a long ago. I just enjoy each moment as Deborah as she brings me so much happiness and I can't imagine me without her!

[Snide_lobster]

Sometimes the why can be useful but in my experience it only occasionally helps evaluate (and sometimes but hardly change) the present. Why does sugar taste good? Something about brain chemicals? Why do those chemicals arise from eating sugar? Something about evolution? Why that good sensation over other pleasant sensations? I got no clue, but it’s turtles all the way down, and at best it’s a roadmap to the “now”. I may one day be blessed with infinite knowledge, but that can’t alter the 20+ years of being.

[CDMargret]

As for myself, I am a better "me" when dressing. Calm. Comfortable. At times aroused yet at piece. Like escaping all the noise in the world so I can recharge my soul, gather my thoughts, just breathe. The textures of the fabrics feel so soothing on my skin. The looks I can create are beautiful to my eyes. Joy fills my heart and soul and spreads to those around me. It's all so so good.

[swiss_susan]

To be honest the why doesn’t really matter. It is different for each of us.

At the end of the day it is part of who we are. Why do some enjoy hiking, skiing, football or soccer.

Accept or don’t.

But always accept who you are

Susan

[Claire M]

So many great answers ... so many common threads among us. One other observation which I know is very shallow of me ...have you shopped in the men's department lately??? Three basic shirt styles, 3 basic pant styles, 6 basic colors, maybe some stripes or plaids. That's it! Go to a Kohl's store. The entire men's department is slightly bigger than the lingerie section (and not nearly as colorful!!!)

[Snide_lobster]

Claire,

I would certainly say the versatility is a bonus, but it is not at all the reason why I do it. There are certainly more options for men if I wanted to look (probably online only these days but still there), and I don't. I crossdress because I want to look like a woman, it just so happens that one of the perks is significantly wider selection. I'd be curious though if that's a main reason for others

[Claire M]

Snide ... not the main reason for me either but definitely a bonus!!