Suppressing the Urge to CD

[Sandi Beech]

Spoiler alert, long post.

As my travels have dropped significantly for work, and retirement is not that far away, I am pondering if I can suppress future crossdressing , or will it constantly nag at me. To be sure, any compromise on the zero tolerance is out of the question. I understand and do not blame her at all, but zero is zero, so I will not waste time trying to change that. I just have to accept it.

I just do not see that I will have any opportunity in future years so I am thinking I may just have to give it up. Yes I know it is shocking for those who have read about my outings. Still I have to be realistic.

I do have my hobbies which can be somewhat of an obsession, but it is nothing like the level of obsession I reached with CDing once I started clubbing in 2017. I am actually up to 50 different bars or clubs around the US. Some I have visited many times. It is pretty amazing that I never really had any significant problems. It is quite the opposite. That is the challenge. If I had only received rejection, it would be easier to accept ending it. That is not what happened. Every time I ever doubted what I was doing, someone would embrace what I do to a level that is simply heart warming. That acceptance has been key to my continued desire to get back out there. I think that is much more difficult to give up acceptance than the clothing.

Anyhow, sorry for the long rant. I have actually had a good crossdressing week for a change since I am on the road now. I went to a regular dive bar in a small southern town a couple of times this week. I was a little worried since the area is very limited with options. My female bartenders were great and told me if anyone harassed me they would take care of them. One meant it too and looked tough enough to do just that.

Last night, they were playing music but nobody was dancing until I got on the floor dancing by myself. It is ironic because I would have been mortified to do that in my youth in male mode, and I do mean mortified. After a couple of minutes , a woman joined me and we had a hoot of a time. Side note, one of her earrings came off so I had to help her with that since that is what girl friends do ; )

When it was time to go, two women and one man wanted a group hug picture with me. The guy working the front door took the pictures. I did not get any pictures myself. I probably could not post anyhow as the top I was wearing is kind of see through. Of course I had on a ridiculously short skirt as well.

Even at the hotel, an elderly woman was working the breakfast bar and told me she liked my outfit. I mentioned my short skirt and she said she loved it. I know we like to just blend in at times, but I can say this, if you have the legs for a short skirt, go for it. This woman made it clear to me she thought it looked good on me and was shocked at how good my legs looked at my age.

So the question is this. Can I go on without those kind of compliments when they are music to my ears. Only time will tell.

Sandi

[Heather76]

Sandi, I'm sorry I don't keep notes about the situations others find themselves in with regard to DADT, zero tolerance, etc. With that said, I assume the zero tolerance in your case means your wife knows but NEVER wants to see it. If that's the case, I might suggest you simply explain to her you will need to be out of town 2 or 3 days a month. If she has no idea you've been CDing, I can only wish you good luck.

[Jacke]

Sandi, I understand your dilemma. I took a huge first step outside the house last night. It was a fun, but I am uncertain as to my future activities. Could I give it up - probably. Will I - who knows. At least my wife is more accepting.
One problem I have with you is that you have ruined going to Cracker Barrel for me. Your wonderful dress purchase there makes me want to do the same. But I am usually with family when I go there and can not look through dress choices. Oh well, there is always Amazon.
Don't give up on your activities too quickly. Give it time and it will work itself out.

[Sandi Beech]

She knows I like to shave my legs and wear pantyhose , short shorts etc. I even tried a dress on in front of her one time , and let?s just say that did not go over well at all. I tried to get just an inch and got nothing so I figured the only way to do it was when I was on a road trip for work. I am not allowed to own even one pair of pantyhose. The last time she found one, She cut it into a million pieces and left it on the sofa for me to find and clean up. I think that pretty much spells her thoughts on it. Trust me, that will not change.

Sandi

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Ha, that is funny Jacke because I was dressed up en femme there the last 2 days for breakfast.

Sandi

[Debs]

Sandi, when you retire, buy a holiday home near somewhere you can go clubbing, you can then go on your own to the holiday home from time to time to do maintenamce and upgrades repairs etc. I have a holiday home about 1 hours drive from my favourite place to go clubbing Blackpool. I dont need it these days for an excuse but Im always up there building or fixing something on my own because it will be no fun for my wife if Im doing jobs and shes just sat there watching.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Sandi

"I am pondering if I can suppress future crossdressing , or will it constantly nag at me."

I've dressed a few times when travelling (though not nearly as much as you) and I'm currently retired. I'm in a local TG Meetup group and I go out periodically with them to vanilla venues, but nothing like the clubs that you've been to. I live for those Girls Nights Out. The only suppression I've achieved is to redirect my crossdressing into more "appropriate" activities, like shopping for femme clothes en male, rather than going out en femme.

You will need to find a way to go out locally, even if you have to rent a hotel room to change in. Maybe you'd like to come to DC to "go to a Nationals baseball game". With sufficient notice, I should be able to get a group of girls together for some girly activities. Or, if you come late summer to early fall, we could go to the Maryland Renaissance Festival and rent a period costume.

Another possibility is maybe you can get "consulting job". There was a time when I was still working and my wife was going out of town. I concocted an overnight, out-of-town trip to get a makeover and photo shoot. It was close enough that I was able to drive, not fly. She had even come with me on a business trip a few month prior, so it all made sense. I told my wife that I was on a business trip



One problem I have with you is that you have ruined going to Cracker Barrel for me. Your wonderful dress purchase there makes me want to do the same. But I am usually with family when I go there and can not look through dress choices.

I had the same problem, but I discovered that Cracker Barrel had a web site where they sold merch. I bought a very retro "window pane" denim jean skirt there and sent it to my PO Box. I paid for it with a Visa Gift Card.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks for the suggestions, but I really do not want to spend my retirement sneaking around. I travel because I have to now. Sitting in a hotel room watching TV is pretty boring so crossdressing has been a fun outlet for me.

I have also lost a bit of my enthusiasm over going out. I am not sure why, but part of it is that I put on a little weight and I see the aging in my face much more so than when I started this about 8 years ago. I know that the aging has not stopped many of you. It is just how I envision myself when I go out, and it is getting harder to do. Of course, yesterday one of the female hotel workers who was passing me in the hallway gave me one of those you look amazing comments. Sigh.

Sandi

[Cheryl T]

Long before I ever ventured into the public eye I had a number of episodes where I said "I must quit this". I had the purges and the resolutions tossing many things I loved to wear. It never lasted. Every time, months, maybe years later I found myself purchasing something and beginning again. It finally reached the point where I couldn't do it any longer and sat down to really talk this all out with my wife. It took time and tears but she became understanding and accepting. Had she not been so I was prepared to end the marriage if she desired.
I do hope if you decide to give it all up that you have more success.

[Debbie Denier]

It?s difficult to suppress. Maybe a local CD support group could provide a solution for you.

[Sandi Beech]

There is likely no way to know where things will go for me. One thing I have learned from this site is we are all quite unique despite the similarities. What works for one does not work for all. That goes for our SOs as well.

Sandi

[Stephanie47]

Sandi, it sounds like you're doing sixty and then hit a brick wall. My wife and I are in a DADT marriage (52 years) and I respect her non-engagement. My wife's non-engagement does not exhibit the hostility your wife displayed, cutting up clothing. My wife has found an article of clothing I may have overlooked, bra or panty, and just puts it out of sight and tells me where it is. Before her retirement, part-time full days, I had seven daylight hours to emulate June Cleaver. Then retirement, brick wall. We sleep apart for medical comfort reasons, so I do sleep nightly in a nightie and or bra, panty and slip. Early on with her retirement it was tough, but I sort of came to accept it. I suspect your wife had knowledge or at least some well founded suspicion that you were having your fun on business trips. Now, to disappear on some fabricated trip raises the prospect of distrust and hiding/lying

One thing you did note is your appearance changing; aging and weight gain. Part of my mindset acceptance is that aging process. Just yesterday a family member told me I do not look my age (77) which is great for a guy, but it's still heck for even an aging lady. I choose to not look into a mirror when I am at home, but I know at six foot and 200 pounds the world will see a man-in-a-dress. I have to just own up to the fact I am aging out of this life.

I would hope a long term marriage would result in one spouse accepting the needs and limitations of the other spouse. Mine does. She told me to find a support group. It took awhile, but my wife came to realize, "it" is not about her! It's all me,alone. Since the early 1980's she has not said "boo" about "it." That includes not disparaging remarks about anyone of the LGBTQ+ spectrum. It's just NIMBY.

[docrobbysherry]

U shouldn't give it up nor should u have to give it up!:battingeyelashes:

However, if u don't want to "sneak around" the only other choice is to explain what u r doing and why with your SO. Which I think is better than sneaking anyway. Because if you're found out she'll think the worst, that you're having an affair or dating others in secret!:doh:

U know I'm over 80. Went with some friends to an outdoor concert last weekend. We weren't there 15 minutes, dancing in front of the band on the packed dance area, when a young woman from a group around us began dancing with us. She hugged me tite when the song ended and put her arm around me. Soon we were dancing with all her friends, too. I think u will miss this a lot more than I would because I'm hard of hearing AND wear ear plugs at these noisy events. So, talking with any of these women is very hard for me. But, I know u love that!:hugs:

Plus, keeping your weight down to look good will be a great motivator for u after u retire, Sandi!:heehee:
Works great for me!:battingeyelashes:

[Jane G]

She knows I like to shave my legs and wear pantyhose , short shorts etc. I even tried a dress on in front of her one time , and let?s just say that did not go over well at all. I tried to get just an inch and got nothing so I figured the only way to do it was when I was on a road trip for work. I am not allowed to own even one pair of pantyhose. The last time she found one, She cut it into a million pieces and left it on the sofa for me to find and clean up. I think that pretty much spells her thoughts on it. Trust me, that will not change.

Sandi

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Ha, that is funny Jacke because I was dressed up en femme there the last 2 days for breakfast.

Sandi

Wow, that's hard to read Sandi. We have long had a DADT relationship, but my wife doesn't go off on one, if she finds women's entire about the house, that are not hers. She even buys me the odd thing for my female side. Clearly you are both in it for the long haul, but you need to be yourself at times, or life simply won't work. I very much hope that your wife will eventually come to terms with that. One thing is for sure, neither of you can change who you are or what has brought you to who you are. You just have the future. Make the most of it, you only live once.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks for the detailed responses Steph and doc. It is actually kind of complicated for me because the honesty factor does play into my overall happiness. I am not able to separate it, but in the end I have to find the happiest place I can be with the path I choose. I would not be happy without my wife so I have to balance things as best I can. At this point, I can only say for sure that things will have to change over the next year or so, one way or the other.

Now if I can just stop playing that Peggy Lee song in my head. Is that all there is?

Well I at least I will still keep my sense of humor.

Sandi

PS. Doc sorry I did not get to meet Sherry when I was in Long Beach in 2022, but just as well because I was coming down with Covid at the time. I did not know until one day after clubbing there.

Also thanks Jane. I would not be able to work your kind of DADT with my wife. I know her VERY well.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Sandi,
That is a tough dilemma, but you are certainly not alone in facing it.
Perhaps your very interesting way of enjoying your girl time is a little beyond what most of us do ... putting it mildly ;) but the need it covers is no less.

Having followed your adventures, it is clear to me that it is your interaction with others, and the compliments on your wild outfits and presentation, that really gives you the kick. I don't know that there are any other ways for you to get the same high.

I understand the issue of a non-tolerant wife all too well unfortunately. Having said that however, my situation here at home is changing dramatically right now, and my wife is, after 15+ years of complete discust and denial, suddenly changing her attitude about this. We have been talking very openly the last few weeks and are working towards some very acceptable boundaries. I will likely post something about this later on, but just to say that as impossible as it might seem, it might be worth considering a conversation with her.
You are welcome to PM me.

[Sandi Beech]

Suzie,

I think you understand me fairly well. Not all of my outfits work great, but I do feel like I am able to put some sexy looking outfits together. It is a lot of work really, and when my efforts are noticed and rewarded with compliments out of the blue, I feed on it for sure. But lately my heart has not been so much into it, so I am not sure where I will go from here. I am not ready to purge or anything. I am just asking myself, what now? Where do I go from here? So I am really just thinking out loud on this thread. Even if I were to stop cold turkey, I will always cherish the fun times I have had. It really has been a wonderful time. So many hugs you know ; )

Sandi

[kimdl93]

I believe anyone can quit crossing. I have done it many times. (Apologies to Samuel Clemens)

With that out of the way, the reality for many of us is that the desire can be suppressed but seldom really goes away. Maybe that is like some addictive behaviors, like smoking. I still occasionally am drawn to the smell of a freshly lit cigarette although I quit smoking 50+ years ago. I do not give in to the temptation, but I remain aware of it.

Perhaps it is the same with cross dressing. The desire can be there but we can elect not to satisfy that desire in the moment. Or the next moment, or the next. Do that often enough and pretty soon you have gone without cross dressing for a year, two or three.

The question is, do you want to quit? My guess is your answer would be a rather emphatic NO! The reality may be that you cannot express this desire at home, but perhaps there will be new avenues of expression opening to you in the future. Its up to you whether you seek out or invent those new avenues.

[Suzie Petersen]

Hi Sandi,

You know, I have often thought about how much easier life would be, was it not for this "curse". But in reality, if I had the choice to deselect it, I probably wouldn't, if I was allowed time to really think it through. I just enjoy my girl time so much and I would feel a significant loss if I knew I was not to ever experience it again.

The excitement from your posts has been very obvious, and I think a lot of us wish we had your courage to just be out there and do it, the way we see you do it.
The fact that you have had so many wonderful and positive experiences is great to read about, and I am sure many here have pushed their own limits simply because of what you have told us is possible. Good for you, and lucky for us to that we have the opportunity to follow along.

If it stops for you soon, and if you are able to simply accept that and look back and thrive on the memories of those past experiences, then I think you are a better person than many of us, certainly better than me, but I do think you are better off for it.

The old saying of "Better to stop while you are at the Top" probably applies, and again I think your life will actually be easier if you are able to do just that.

Kim: I think you are spot on with your comments. The desire seems to be very unlikely to go away, at least for most of us, but we can for the most part elect to not act on it, if we have to.
Time during military service comes to mind, where the desire to appear or act feminine may be there, but the opportunity to act on it is completely out of the question. Most I know, and indeed myself, were able to control the urges during such times because the consequences would have been unimaginable.

But these are typically relatively short time spans, maybe as you say 1 to 3 years, maybe more, but we often know that here is an end to it and that opportunities will come again later on. We live on in the hope, so to speak.
For me at least, the knowledge of an opportunity somewhere on the horizon, even if it might be several or many months in the future, mostly makes it possible to change the craving to an anticipation instead, and to simply make it something to look forward to, instead of a feeling of despair and sadness.

Big Hugs
Suzie

[Sandi Beech]

Suzie,

I totally agree with what you are saying, especially in the first paragraph you wrote. Well said. I would not want to have missed out on my CDing in the past.

Sandi

[TheHiddenMe]

1. Getting old(er) sucks, but it sure beats the alternatives.

2. It's probably been a daily urge for me since the age of 7 so it's now 60 years and counting, so I don't think it's going away. I know it's the same me on the inside, but there is just something about being in a cute dress or outfit that livens things up, along with the anticipation of getting the next "fix".

3. Sorry I don't have any advice for you, other than the Dan Savage advice of "staying married and stay sane." My wife is tolerant but not really accepting, and she knows certain things about my life (like Michelle, because they met at a party we had a couple of years ago), and I certainly don't disclose everything to her nor do I feel required to. I'm also lucky, in a way, that she prefers time away from me in Australia, which allows me more freedom for a couple of months (which I take advantage of, but you knew that). I hope you can find a reasonable path forward because getting a compliment is indeed pretty sweet.

[Sandi Beech]

Thanks Dee,

I am not going to keep posting about this. Just letting people know I am going through during this undecided phase.

Also. I still have to get back home this week and my wife will see I shaved my legs again. She is not going to be too happy about it. I will you all know how that goes. I am a little stressed out about it already : (

Sandi

[CarlaWestin]

Hi Sandi. Let me first say thank you for personally sharing your adventures. And I thought my Carla dalliances were out there. This other side of the looking glass that beckons us in a way I can compare to things like skydiving. At the door of the plane you might question, "Why am I doing this?" But from the ground looking up, the excitement calls us. I was dressed in everything but a dress yesterday morning and the desire to go out and make a video in public was heart pounding. Full lingerie, heels, stockings, makeup, etc. DADT wife has probably looked through my stuff and even though she's a trans hater she's probably read that once we experience this activity, most other things can't compare. As you've already committed to misconception (polite for lying) starting a small after retirement business involving perceived necessary travel might be an option. Or, can you enjoy your activity without all of the feedback you covet from females? Have you ever just dressed to blend in instead of the outrageous clubwear?

[docrobbysherry]

Sandi, I've never shaved my legs. I simple wear skin toned tites every time I dress. They come in so many shades now.

Just an FYI for u!:heehee: