I want my male-self to be happy

[Marketa]

My male-self has birthday today (I've got my made up birthday in May) and I just want him to be happy.

Colleagues at work congratulated him, they gave him his favourite videogame series themed jigsaw puzzle and we've opened a bottle of a Port wine from the year he was born he bought when he was in Porto, Portugal earlier this year.

He created me as a way to cope with his depression and I just want him to be happy. He's not a "crier" since his dad died in his teens (25 years ago), but I'm crying right now. Literally. We're two different personas and I just want him to be happy so, so much. It's probably the wine (almost whole bottle), but I just want him to be happy. And I'll most likely regret this post once I'll get sober, but I need to get it out of my chest. He's holding so much pain within and doesn't allow it to let out so he won't harm anyone he cares about and I'm doing my best to help him and ease his pain, but it's so hard.

I have nobody I could present myself and ease my male-self's pain. I want someone close. I love you girls, but I need real person. Someone I can spend time with, not the keyboard. It's not your fault, so don't be sorry.

He started thinking about introducing me to two of his best friends, both GGs, but when he bought bouquet of red/orange roses (two of his GG colleagues bought two made from white roses, so he bought the last one) and was told "as a joke" by one of them, that he should spend more time with manly men, we scrapped the idea of introducing me to them.

I just...wish...he could...show pieces of me. To everyone. When I get my eyeliner right, we've got such beautiful eyes.

I want him to be happy. And I probably need to get some sleep.

[Patience]

Happy birthday to him.

Maybe he should consider seeking therapy, as the problems you are describing are deeper and more personal than any of us here can reach and this may not be the ideal place to air so much personal baggage.

If you think you need sleep, you probably do. Come back when you (both) feel better.

Don't worry, we're not going anywhere.

[Sometimes Steffi]

You pose a problem to an engineer and you'll get a solution, even if it's way, way out of the box. Czech translation, very unlikely.

So, here it is. If you were in the States, I would suggest that you find someone on CD.com who lives near you who you would like to meet Face-to-Face (FtF). I've met several of my friends here FtF. Some were what I would call a blind date. I had never met them before. Some I met FtF first and then friended them on CD.com

Just to demonstrate that this isn't as wild an idea as you may think. There is a well-known member who is constantly posting about her adventures en femme in many cities in Germany. I think you must know who I mean. PM her and see if it makes sense for you to meet somewhere in the middle for a day, or maybe a weekend. Google says it's about a 7-hour drive. Just make sure that you practice appropriate safety rules.

[Genifer Teal]

I lost my dad when I turned 18. He was around but we weren't super close. I don't think I every fully processed what I lost. I never fully appreciated what I had. Sorry you miss your dad so much.

[bridget thronton]

Happy birthday - I no virtual friends are not quite the same as face to face contact - but they do give me a degree of connectedness with people (behind every avatar is a human typist)

[CharlotteCD]

I think you need to seek help because this referring to yourself in a 3rd person approach is not normal. It's one thing to play a character, but when it's because of depression that screams the start of mental health issues.

[kimdl93]

Hopefully, you will feel ok in the morning. Then, if you need someone to talk to in real life about this, do contact a therapist.

[alwayshave]

Marketa, Happy birthday to your alter-ego. I'll second Patience's suggestion of therapy.

[Christie ann]

Marketa,

Yes, happy birthday!

I know exactly what you are saying. I feel close to no one. In the few cases I have shared this part of me, the friendship I thought was there seemed to drift away. The girls don’t want me in their conversations, because, of course, I am a guy, what do I know, and I would probably try and mansplain anyway. And, there are very few guys I really want to hang out with.

We all have different ways of coping and sometimes we try various ways, but that “thing” is always there. I just finished watching a TEDx video by Joy Ladin where she comments on thinking about gender all the time, and probably no one else around is thinking the same. Having gender in your mind all the time is exhausting.

I too wish he could be happier. My wife tells me that she didn’t sign up for this, my friends all drift away once I share this big part of me and therapy feels like I am buying time to talk to someone. There is one woman who manages a nearby convenience store who has met me in both genders. It’s all superficial but we can talk about stuff, including her cute 5 year old.

I have no answer for you, but wanted to let you know we are sisters. Your post really hit me between the eyes and I needed to tell you that neither of us are alone.

[Meg]

Oh Marketa, I wish you were here. I just want to give you a hug. Do not worry your self. We have all had some of those feelings. We feel your pain. We are all here for each other. And as Patience said, We are not going anywhere. We will all be there for each other. And yes, behind every avatar is a typist (person).Alcohol works in strange ways, if you are still feeling this way after a nights sleep, seek help. Life is very delicate and fragile. You matter and are important to more people than you think. Me included. Meg

[docrobbysherry]

2 things Marketa:

Depression is a dangerous condition! Which many folks think they must deal with alone. That idea maybe even more dangerous!:doh:

Maybe making Marketa happy will make him happy, too?:thumbsup:

[Marketa]

Thank you, girls. I woke up with terrible headache, took sick day and I regret I posted this a bit, but felt much better.
I am happy as Marketa, but the times I can't present myself are not as pleasant. But let be assured that since I started CD in April the depression got much better.
I think with time it will be ok. Just sometimes are still short burst of doom and gloom, but it's much better than having it 24/7, which was the case.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Without giving medical advice, there are meds for depression. I'm on one.

See your primary care physician or a psychiatrist. In the US, s psychologist can prescribe drugs, but we have a different medical model than Europe.

[SophiaRose]

Marketa, please don't regret posting how you feel. No doubt almost everyone understands what you are going through. We all struggle at some point and having an outlet, like this site, can be very helpful. I haven't been a member here for long but in the short time I have, the members have given me the courage to reach out to a therapist and the language to communicate what I feel. If you haven't done so yet I would suggest you give professional help a try. Speaking from experience, it's best not to go through these challenges alone. Time and outreach will heal. Take care.

[Genifer Teal]

Medications for depression, do not mix well with alcohol. keep that in mind.

[Raychel]

I hope you get to feeling better Marketa
I have been there, I went thru a pretty bad time in my life, Looking back on it, I can totally see why the depression happened.
There were some ( A lot) of major changes in my life that happened all at once.
If they were all thrown at me at different times I probably could have handled it better.
And looking back now, the depression caused me to do some things I should not have, I just have to live with them now.
There is no undoing those actions.

I did manage to get myself to a much better place. But it was a hard road. I certainly feel for you :hugs:

If the dressing helps then certainly go for it. Anything you can do to help is a good thing.
If you need a therapist, certainly go for that as well. I had a spell when I was younger
that I needed help that way as well. To be too strong to admit you need or would like some help.
Life is hard sometimes, and sometimes, you can't go it alone.

And one final note, If that is really you in your avatar, You look amazing.
You will be so accepted by the world. Go out and have fun.

You have plenty of great people here that will help you thru as well.

:hugs::hugs::hugs: