Disappointing conversation regarding crossdressing

[Jasmine23]

Hi girls,
Just wondering if anyone has been involved in a similar conversation or had a similar experience. Walked in on my brothers and sister in mid conversation about a woman who worked with my brother, whose marriage had ended. Asked why did the marriage break up and the reason really hit a bit too close to the bone. Apparently she came home and found her husband "wearing women's clothes", which lead to the divorce. The tone and disgust with which my siblings spoke about him confirmed why I can never reveal this part of myself. My sister said she would have left him immediately( bear in mind it took her over 10 years to leave her abusive pig of a husband), my brothers openly made derogatory remarks about him. I didn't really say anything, but, all I could think about was about the husband getting caught dressed up, this is probably the biggest fear most people on here have. Plus the wife is now outing him to anyone that will listen.

I think what was really disappointing is hearing people who I really care about and who care for me talk with such hostility about someone who crossdresses. Tbh I wasn't surprised by their reactions, but, it was kinda shocking to have it confirmed. They have no idea I crossdress and I have no plans to change things.
Would love to hear your thoughts!
Regards Jasmine

[Crissy 107]

Jasmine, Too bad on your siblings attitude but unfortunately it is more of the way things are.
When I first came out to my wife she was accepting and even gave me hand me downs plus she bought me some VS panties for my BD. After a while she changed her mind and now she barely tolerates this side of me.

[Chloe75]

Crissy,

Did she tell you the reason that she stopped tolerating your fem side?

I am always amazed at how people can condemn others. It seems to be that there were a lot more problems in that marriage than just "wearing women's clothes" though that can often be enough. It would be interesting to find out what disgusts them about it. People have preconceived ideas as is clearly seen on sitcoms and everyday life really. Hatred is on every heart, it seems.
Since they do not know about your fem side, it might be interesting to gain a deeper understanding without divulging your personal behavior. I know I would really like to hear it.♥

[Amy Lynn3]

Jasmine, I know that was a big letdown for you. All you or any of us want is to be loved by our family regardless of how we live our life/lives. I think some people bash others to boost their ego. When I was young my brother called me names like he was some type of saint, and his life has been a total wreck. Just keep loving your siblings like I have my brother.

[Crissy 107]

Crissy,

Did she tell you the reason that she stopped tolerating your fem side?

No she did not, she refused/refuses to talk about it.

[Chloe75]

sorry to hear that. Thank you for answering! ♥

[docrobbysherry]

Jasmine, men, being very insecure, often jump on others in such a group to prove their manhood. However, they can be much more intraspective one on one.:thumbsup:

However, I'm disappointed in your sister's response. It's probably honest. On the other hand, women r often accepting of dressers as long as they aren't their partner!:battingeyelashes:

[Meg]

Oh Jasmine, how I can relate. My first wife knew of my love for dressing as I told her when we first started dating. Two and a half years later we married. After two and half years of marriage she said she wanted a divorce. Reasons, one of them my love for clothes. Mind you I never fully dressed, but she ok'd hose and panties. She had an affair with her sister's husband one year earlier, that we worked through. I know she was screwing around with some guys at her work. But it was my clothes fetish that was the final straw. If people truly love you, they should stand by you. Society has done people like us a great disservice. What we do does not hurt anyone, yet we are the outcasts. We all know what it is like and we all feel your pain. I'm willing to guess that we have all heard similar comments from friend and family. Meg

[SophiaRose]

I'd like hope they would change their tune if they found our their own brother cross-dressed. When it's within the family, or with a close friend, being disrespectful is a-lot harder to do. No doubt you'd rock their world if you confronted them with who you are.

[Nyla F]

It is tough with people who you love and especially family members have beliefs that are different from our own, and intolerant of people like us. I guess the more common example is what I experience with family members with different religious and political beliefs. At some point I have to find ways to letting those things go, change the topic and find other ways to show my love for them. We can't always choose our family.

[Marketa]

Being scolded, yelled at and called names by own family for smaller things...yeah, I can imagine what the conversation felt like.

But we had similar conversation at work, because one of colleague's "neighbours" (he lives in the area) is MIAD and the colleague meets him from time to time when he's going for walk with their daughter (the colleague). And at the end we agreed, that it's unusual and weird, but it doesn't harm anyone and when it's just a phase he'll put stockings back in the drawer once it pass and that's it.

3 weeks later I bought my first bra.

Also I ended the conversation, that much worse got it de-transitioners, who transitioned "ideally" during late teens/early 20's and when the brain got sorted life out few years later, they realise they made a mistake and they can't undo it. This argument puts CD in quite a better light.

[bridget thronton]

Quite sad Jasmine - it is easy to be angry at someone they don't know (the divorced husband) than someone they do know (you).

[Genifer Teal]

It's unfortunate. It has to be so difficult to talk about this stuff. I'd really like to understand it a little more. It's not just eww I don't like that, or that's disgusting. It's more of a you threaten me. I must rid the world of filth like you. I'd like to really know why.

[Debbie Denier]

I think it is because it does not fit with the social norms of masculinity.I am sorry it came as a shock to you Jasmine but believe the majority of women think the same way.

[SylphDevine]

I would not come out to your family under any circumstances. Their "morality" is quite rigid and fixed it appears and they see things through a specific lens.

And to Meg. The problem with your marriage wasn't your crossdressing, it was her infidelity. Using your love for feminine clothing as a "final straw" excuse was BS. She cheated on you the whole time.

btw, anyone who outs you (or anyone else) can be held accountable for defamation. You might tell that to your family to cool the rhetoric down a little bit. Crossdressing isn't illegal. It may be shocking or "perverse" to some, but that's nobody's business, period.

[Gi Gondin]

Jasmine, I am really sorry that you had to experience this kind of conversation. I feel much like Nyla, of course it hurts more when its a topic directly related to us, but this kind of ignorance, intolerance and lack of empathy permeates a lot of themes and I feel amazed to hear awful things from people I love and respect , and have the same feelings for me.

Actually the firsts signs I got from my now wife, of her views about gender, sexuality and other important matters were in a work environment, during lunch with colleagues and friends. And I was really amazed how she had very mature, empathetic and respectful opinions. It gave me confidence to invest emotionally in a relationship feeling secure about her.

As I mention often to her, the reality of our relationship is beyond my wildest dreams. Nowadays she refers to me 95% of the time in female pronouns and is constantly encouraging me to present as a woman. I else can I ask for?

[alwayshave]

Jasmine, I'm not surprised by your siblings attitude. My brother, who I have put to sleep on FB, posts anti-trans memes all the time. He is unpersuaded by facts. I have given up on him.

[CarlaWestin]

I drew the line with not disclosing to any family member. But my ex went out of her way to play along to get a picture to broadcast for her divorce.

[chrissy111]

Life is to short to have that kind of hate in my life. I realized a long time ago that this is me and you can accept me or not.

[MarinaTwelve200]

I think the primary cause of all the relationship trouble related to dressing is that MOST people do NOT know the difference between A Crossdresser(Transvestite), Homosexual, or Transsexual. They put them ALL "in the same basket", so to speak, based on a single proclivity many subjects often may share (dressing up). Many people's disgust and hate for one of these groups thus is thus projected to the others also --- even though the motives for each group might be entirely different. There is a HUGE difference between A straight guy with a clothing fetish, a Man who is sexually attracted to other men or a person who identifies with the opposite sex. To consider them ALL the same thing is tantamount to Putting a Cold in the same class with TB or Typhoid simply because they might all share one symptom, a cough. Such people need to be both embarrassingly reprimanded for such ignorance and "Educated" on the manner. Indeed, the most common question asked a Crossdresser is "Are you Gay?" Which demonstrates ignorance and confusion at a basic level. Yes, while some Gays might cross-dress at times (I still don't know why), but what does clothing have to do with being attracted to other guys? And I have heard many people imply or even say "A Gay/Homosexual is a man who wants to be or thinks he is a woman", here, obviously confusing Homosexual with Transsexual.

It is my opinion that a lot of hate and discomfort could be "de-fused" or eliminated or at least "moderated" if the confronter were to be immediately asked "What do YOU think is going on?" And then be laughed at, and corrected for their ignorance. They still might Hate one or two of the afore mentioned groups, but being embarrassed for their confusion, will make them more hesitant to immediately judge without a bit more information.

[Julie Frisky]

Hi Jasmine,

I wish I could say i am surprised by your families comments, it sounds very familar to my own experiences with my family people can be so mean but I agree with what someone said earlier, one on one would they be so critical? sometimes it's the mob rule mentality when people are in groups.

Julie xx

[tmannref]

I am going to have to jump in with Julie's comment about mob mentality. You get one person who sticks out there chest and beats it and all you see is the sheep follow with the heads wagging yes. But if you put that person 1V1 the response could be entirely different.

[JohnH]

In the early days my late wife hassled me for wearing dresses. My wife ABSOLUTELY hated skirts and dresses. In fact, I can count the times she wore a dress or skirt out in public on one hand.
So, I said to her that she had to wear a dress or skirt in public. Guess what? She relaxed her restriction so the only time I was to wear trousers in public was when I was with her in public. Other times I was free to wear a dress.

John

[NancySue]

Sorry to hear about circumstances. I agree with Maria. Public perception, lumping us all together (all gay) lack of knowledge, etc. seem to rule. It?s certainly true around our parts. I?m blessed with a supportive wife, but no one else. We are always very cautious when out.

[Sometimes Steffi]

I have said before that I believe that being a crossdresser or transgender depends on how the brain developed. It is likely either in hardware, firmware or software.

I think the same could be said about the general population, who are in some way repulsed by CDs, TGs and TSs. Fir some, it's in the hardware, either genes or in the womb. They'll accept CDing. For others, it's in the firmware. It's something that they learned from a very young age, and they're not amenable to relearning it. For the rest of them it's in software. All they need is a new version of software that permits CDing as an alternative lifestyle.

There are also those who almost have a preference for gender non-conforming people. It may be that they themselves are gender non-conforming or gender agnostic

I also think that there also some GMs out there who are just one push or one slip off the non- conforming gender path. There self defense mechanism is to criticize any non-conforming gender people or activities to keep themselves on the straight and narrow. Those are the ones who we should really feel sorry for.

[kellyanne]

Sorry to hear that, the truth is despite recent advances, gender roles remain very rigid, for this reason IMHO a women can more readily stay married to a gay man - he has not compromised his masculinity per se in her eyes.

As Doc Rob said, at 62 , my life long experience is women endorse crossdressing 100% as long as its not their hubby or BF, it is non negotiable and not subject to any debate or application of reasonable discussion.

I can only be who I am and that is a TG man.

I have known men & women who worked in public institutions whose mission statements DEMANDED a belief in accepting everyone regardless of sexual orientation - The Pride movement message - nothing crazy,

They would enthusiastically attend every Pride event but never would accepted a crossdresser personally.

We have along way to go, I wish it were not so isolating but geeze Louise , one doesn't have to read many blogs before finding a similar divorce story and it seems never a discussion on if he was a good husband,father etc - just he was a CD .

Be prudent in your reveals gurls.

Cheers,
Kelly Anne

[Maria 60]

It is sad but yet so true. More in my wife's side, my wife's family, her nephews and siblings come to me for advice and respect my opinion more then anyone in the family. There opinion on cross gender is very open and verbal and I have to bite my tongue at times. My wife always says to me it's so sad that I do so much for her family and yet if they find out about me she believes everything I did would be erased. It's so sad because I didn't choose this, it was given to me and I do enjoy it, but yet I have to restrict myself for the price of others. I can't even start talking about what I did for here nephews who had addictions and I took them to counselling on my own time and helping her siblings with there financial situations. It really is sad, but I hope that if the cat was to come out of the bag one day they will respect the good person I was, but that probably won't happen. It's sad but we can't change people but hopefully one day they will see our goodness

[LIKETODRESS2]

IT sucks the way i hear friends and family comment on the LGBT community. IT amazing how negitive stuff they say.

[Lacey New]

Jasmine, sorry to say that I am not surprised at all about the conversation that you heard. And it is the very reason many of us are deep in the closet not even thinking about coming out to anyone.

[Stephanie47]

When my wife and I were first married we dabbled in bedroom play with me donning nighties. I have related this story many times on this forum. She had found me wearing a nightie I had bought her when we were first married. I did not know anything about women's sizes and the medium I bought her swam on her 5'2', 115 lb body. "Why are you wearing my nightgown?" I told her the truth that I liked the feel of nylon. I did not tell her that I had dabbled in my mother's lingerie draw when I was a lot younger. To me, that period of life was in the distant past. When shopping together in mid-town Manhattan we ended up buying for myself two nighties; one of which I still have and wear-a pink knee length peignoir. That eventually sparked my interest in nylon full slips. I did not hide them but they were in a large gift box in the bottom draw of my armoire. Fast forward a decade and our three year old daughter opened the drawer and yanked out a Vanity Fair vivid red bra. Then, "The Talk" ensued. "Why would a man wear a bra if he has nothing to pack into it?" I tried to give her a bullshit answer about connecting with my feminine side (this was decades before this forum or anything else). Her retort, "Tell me about your feminine side when you have a baby!"

We had a long discussion. "Why did you not tell me?" I asked her if she remembered sitting at our kitchen table talking with her female cousin about the young childless couple who lived down the street. Cousin and wife filleted the husband who was a cross dresser and the wife found out. Cousin and his wife worked together. All there plan of building their dream home when out the window with the divorce. My wife said she would not have married me if she had known. She thought the nightgowns were more akin to a bedroom fetish. It was sort of funny that she ended up saying if I ever wanted to divorce her she would tell the world. She was more interested in breaking her families history of divorce. She took back the threat and also acknowledged she had not come clean with her past before we married. She did as far as suggesting I join a support group. I looked but there was none to be found (circa early 1980's).

Another incident, before this, that weighed on me was the total unacceptability of men who wore women's clothing. There was an incident within walking distance of our home of a cross dresser setting his house on fire and keeping the firemen at bay by shooting towards the front door. The local newspaper even made light of the event by saying his charred remains were found with his high heel pumps still strapped to his feet. To this day I still remember his name. Heck of a way for a guy to be remembered!

As to commenting on the poster all I can say is to counter that vile crap. I do it all the time when my acquaintances talk that nonsense. You do not have to out yourself when defending any minority. So much for the morning ramblings, attired in my nightie.

Ev

[Cheryl T]

it?s similar for me. Many family members have opinions negative to our community and I must stay silent in conversations for self-preservation.

[Jasmine23]

Hi girls
Thanks for all of your replies. I agree with what a lot of you have said that on an individual basis people are likely to be more sympathetic and less judgemental, but, I still think that the vast majority of people hold a negative view of crossdressers. It's harsh, but, it is the reality, I know that some people have been extremely lucky to find accepting people, but, it's exceptionally rare. As I said previously I have no intention of disclosing that I crossdress to family or friends, I would love to be able to share this side of me to someone in my real life, but, I know that's highly unlikely to happen and I'm OK with that.

[Traci H]

This just happened to me yesterday with some trades people working at my house. Guys starts telling the story of how he called out a guy dressed fem and said out loud ?You ain?t no woman no matter what you wear ?. Supposedly the nearby people erupted in laughter. I had to just bite my tongue. Wanted the job finished well.