Social affect for kids??????

[Brynna M]

One of several reasons I?ve never tried to go farther with crossdressing is that I worry about the effects on my grade school age son. I don?t really think he?d care but how would other people?s reactions and comment affect him. I would never present as female to him his friends or their parents or in anything associated with him. But a dad who shaves his legs or god forbid gets outed would have consequences socially because kids are sometimes mean and some parents no matter how much they claim otherwise are judgmental and don?t want my sons friends around a ?weirdo? dad. So, I?m curious if anyone has experiences with crossdressing fathers and its affects on school age kids and if the reality is as bad as I fear.

[OrdinaryAverageGuy]

When my kids (2 boys and a girl) were teens we had LOTS of gatherings, as our place was the cool place and we were the cool parents. Once one of the friends (male) looked at me and asked if I shaved my legs. "Yup" I said. That was it.

And he works for me now. It was never a problem, he was just curious.

[MonikaCD]

I can totally second that. People are overrating implications of shaving legs.

[RylieCD]

I worry about the same thing. My child is 8 and is enlarging the friend circle, also the parents are becoming friends as well. I dont want to cause any loss of social circle for any one else.

[bridget thronton]

My kids and their partners know - but I waited till they graduated from high school to co firm their suspicions. (My daughter and granddaughter live with us and I dress often when they are around)

[RoseReve]

Hello,
As my crossdressing habits took a more significant importance in my life ten years ago, I went to see a therapist who was specialized in gender issues, because I needed to understand what was going on.
He helped me put soft words on what was happening to me, and, also with the help of other CD/TG/TS on the internet, I quickly came to the conclusions that my close family had to know what was on.
So I first told my wife that I felt more like a girl than a boy: it's my case, not everyone's, but the important thing was not to begin with the crossdressing, but with what was on in my inner life. It could have been "Frankly I find women's clothes to be so much more entertaining and I'd like to experiment with it"...Or "feeling like a woman from time to time helps me release the pressure of social life, work..."
I think the important thing is to have prepared something convincing and coming from the heart, and be able to show that it isn't directed against the others. If it's the case, I think there's work to do with a therapist!

When the conversation with my wife was over and went pretty ok (she said "I thought so before you told me" and we agreed that I would never crossdress in front of her or in front of the kids), I prepared the second step: talk to the kids (2 boys). They were 8 and 6 at that time. Yes it's young, but I bet on appealing to their intelligence and love. First I told the elder one, and he said something like "so be it, that's no a great deal, I for my part do not feel like a girl". I then went on to the second who said "I have not to judge you, you do what you want with your life". At the age of 6! Can you figure it? I was stunned...

I was so amazed by the reaction of them three that I decided to take good care of disturbing their life as little as I could. They never saw me dressed as a girl. But my outlook evolved, I let my hair grow, I wore woman jeans, some womanly t-shirts (but very discreet), a womanly jean jacket, short girl socks sometimes...Once one of the boys said that his friends thought that I was a very kind-looking dad. A young niece said my long hair was cool, she asked her father why he didn't have the same! I told her that each person has a personal taste and no one is obliged to do as others do (since then she only has short hair!!!)

Conclusion of this long story (sorry I tend to write a lot): it's possible to manage a space for yourself without having to keep it fully secret, if you think a lot (and maybe with some good help) about what the others could accept. Then it's a question of choosing the right time...And not acting in a way that hurts your beloved ones.

At least that's the lesson I learnt from all of this. And it helped me a lot in other situations!!!

Last thing: even if I was thinking a lot about all of this, wondering if I would become a woman one day, etc., I did not stop having with my boys the activities we had before. I kept things as they were, to give them the presence of the father they had been knowing since they were born. I deeply thought that their developing personality was more important than the complete fulfillment of mine. But I also noticed that the fulfillment of mine to a certain extend helped me become a more enjoyable person. So it's a complex balance!

All the best,

Rose

[Brynna M]

First thanks for the replies. Average, I think you?re right that kids won?t care if the adult doesn?t make a deal of it. It really is more the parents either influencing their kids to be judgmental and mean or keeping my son from seeing his friends because of me.
Rose,
I?m lucky that I?m good being an occasional crossdresser so the need isn?t a constant weight. But your point is taken that I don?t have a good read on what people can tolerate. As far as doing things with my son I would never give that up for crossdressing. (His big thing right now is fishing)

Thank you ladies 😊

[docrobbysherry]

Plus, is it fair to burden your kids with your verboten secret, Brynna? And, if they can't keep it THEY r the ones likely to suffer. Much more than u!:doh:

That's why I didn't tell mine until the youngest was out of hi school!:thumbsup:

Now, my grade school grandkids don't know. And, my daughters agree that telling them would be a mistake!:thumbsdn:

[RoseReve]

Hello Brynna, hello Sherry,

yes you are right, and I also think that grandkids don't have to know, and anyway only their parents can decide about this I think: if some day my kids have kids, I would never reveal to them a big and complex secret like this without the agreement of their parents.

I think in the end everyone has to deal with it in his/her own way: make what seems best according to yourself. The important thing IMO is that you are ok in your own mind with what you are doing and how you tell or don't tell the others. That's why discussing it with a counsellor/therapist can provide a great help.

Yes if your kids have a tendency to speak a lot with their friends about what's happening at home, maybe it's better not to have them know that you like to dress as a woman! Some could make a problem out of it, or their parents. Especially if you tend to organize kids gatherings at home pretty often.

I think it's your life and your choice, and it's ok as long as it doesn't interfere with your kid's life and it doesn't make it more complicated...

Anyway I'm happy if this discussion helps you, Brynna!

Cheers,

Rose

[Brynna M]

Doc, Rose,
I agree whole heartedly that it is not right to burden my son with secrets. I would never deliberately come out to him until he was an adult. My thinking was more along to lines of taking risks that might inadvertently out me like dressing when someone might come home early or removing body hair?. I am hoping to get a picture of the real risks other than my own anxiety.
I can?t completely deny who I am. Ive been me long enough to know that. but to the extent I?m able I don?t want being me to be a burden on others.

I appreciate the perspectives

Bryn

[Nikkilovesdresses]

Brynna, it sucks to have to worry about what other people think and how they might judge you, but you're right to be concerned on the effect your outing might have on your kids. Perhaps like Rose your kids themselves will not judge you, but there are plenty out there who would. I'd advise patience and caution- your children's feelings have to come first.

[Brynna M]

Seems like the consensus is that my first instinct was right. Excercise as much caution as I can without denying myself to the point of causing untenable problems for my own mental health.

I really do appreciate the perspectives.

Hugs

Bryn

[JulieC]

Bryn, essentially yeah...self denial. My wife and I decided when our first was just a baby that we would not tell them of daddy's little secret at least until they were adults. That meant hiding it from them, and meant tough restrictions on when and where I could dress. It would be unfair to burden them with the secret, making them have to remember not to discuss this thing about daddy. It would be unfair of for them to have to wonder when they came home with a friend whether dad might be dressed.

So the outcome of that meant hiding a lot. My stashes of clothes have been well hidden. There's a chance here or there that they rifled through my stashes while going through parent's drawers, as kids do. If so, it's unlikely they detected anything. The only thing that really could have raised suspicion is my size 11 women's shoes and breast forms. But, I don't think they've come across those. I take advantage of opportunities to dress as they arise.

The kids are young adults now, but are still at home while going to college. From my perspective, I don't see any benefit in telling them at this point, even though they are adults. I will never feel comfortable dressing in front of them, and I've become so used to hiding it from them that the risk of them discovering me is very low. Telling them doesn't bring anything to the table that's good. Though we've raised them to be accepting (not just tolerant, but accepting) of various ways in which people are different and choose to live their lives, there's always the possibility of the "not in my backyard" effect. Like, it's ok if there are men out there who wear women's clothes...just so long as it's not my dad! I don't want to screw up the relationships that I have with them. There might come a time in the future where they are out of the house, but one or more of them are living close enough that unexpected walk-ins might happen. I'm not going to live the rest of my life not being able to dress because of that risk. We recently were temporary empty nesters for a few months, and I took lots of advantage of that, dressing about 80% of the time while at home. I expect when the kids are permanently moved out of the house, I'll be dressing at least 50% of the time if not a lot more. I don't want to have to keep a lid on that just because they might walk in. So, we'll see.

[RoseReve]

Hello Julie, Brynna,
yes you are right not wanting to burden the others. But try not to suffer too much yourself. Julie, wouldn't it be a relief to finally talk to your kids about what their father has been through all these years? I don't have the answer, and it doesn't mean that they have to see you dressed as a woman. But it could be a beautiful gift you're doing to them to at least open your heart to them...
Again the answer is yours.

Brynna, if your kids already know, then if they unfortunately come out earlier than expected, that won't be so great a surprise. And it hasn't to happen again.
If they don't know, they'll have to cope with it in a more sudden way...

I'm allowing myself to write it because living in fear is not great, and you are committing no crime...

All the best to your family and yourself anyway!

Rose

[Brynna M]

Rose,
I think Julie and I are in different situations. Young adults are better equipped to deal with there parents as real people who may be different form a child?s ideal. Grade schoolers usually lack that maturity. But either way all good parents will look to protect their kids as much as they have capacity too, no matter what age.
In a way I?m lucky that I am in fact ok with dressing occasionally and it doesn?t cause me much distress.

[RoseReve]

Then I'm happy for you Brynna!
In this case I'm sure you'll manage to not be discovered by your kids or someone else.
In ten years it never happened to me...!!!
All the best,
Rose