Impact of crossdressing on relationship

[Sabine Janus]

I'm curious when people rate their spouses acceptance level if that level is related to the health of the relationship otherwise. So for example if you have a rocky relationship is that correlated with a lower acceptance rate. If you have a Good to excellent relationship, was the spouse more accepting?

So lets see. Rate your relationship/marriage before the spouse found out and after

Before: Bad/Good/Great
After: Same/Worse.Better

Also- is there any specific trait your spouse has that made them more or less accepting?

[Anarainbow]

My personal experience with my ex-wife was we both in the closet. I married her when I was in college, and we're only a year apart in age.
I would say a lot of girls actually wanted to see their significant other to be in dress, but it just most of them are in the closet and shy to admit to it.

I've been a gentleman in public but when the door is closed, I'm a girl.
My ex-wife at the beginning gave me steps of hints, first letting me do her nails and later offered me nails which I said no to her.
The final time was she brought full set and I declined again, kind of apart of the relationship downhills.
I was shy but more to worried about if I came out what are the roles between us would be, talking about relationship equilibrium,
Putting on the dress at the time seems to break the dynamic we had before, it was difficult to make a change.

So I definitely think before would be great, but if I took the chance the after can only be better.

It just how to walk out the closet is the difficult part, also how to view yourself and your other part in the coming forward.

[DianeT]

It is not that simple. As much as I concur that the health of the relationship helps, what probably matters most is how you deal with the situation after the reveal, how much your SO will still feel loved and be reassured about your future as a couple. And this takes time. It is not a before/after thing but a process.

[Debs]

Sabine, you binary option doesnt work for all. my wife after many years has realised its impossible for me to stop, so from in the early days of "if you dont stop Ill leave you", Now accepts what I am, and under no circumstances , let say I cant stop, Ive purged and tried to stop over the years, but find it completely impossible !!!. So we both agree now that theres something in my brain or DNA that wont go away, and I dress whenever I want and go out dressed, the only rule I have is not on my our doorstep. but yes it does come at a cost, we dont have a sexual relationship anymore, but we are now both happy with the situation.

[Kris Burton]

I think the strength of a relationship is significant, and full disclosure is an outgrowth of that. From my personal experience and many accounts I have read or understood it would seem that greater acceptance might be achieved if one was upfront about their crossdressing from the very beginning.

[Jessica Secret]

I told my boyfriend when we started dating and he was very accepting, supportive and encouraging from the start. My boyfriend has a great personality and when we got into a relationship I told him that I wear romantic lingerie to bed and needless to say he was not only supportive but very excited to hear that, and our relationship has been incredible ever since. :)

[SaraLin]

Before - well, there is no before. After only a few dates, I told her everything and let her decide if she wanted me to leave or stay.
She decided that I was "worth a shot," and she set some rather rigid "ground rules" on what she could accept, and what she couldn't.
I said "OK, I think I can live with that."
We've been together over 24 years now, and we're still going strong.
Neither one of us is going anywhere.
We're both in it "till death do us part."

[JocelynJames]

Our relationship was very good before I told my wife. Although , we wouldn?t necessarily tell each other everything. 8 years in, When I did tell her ,she was ok, then mad I didn?t tell her, and ready to leave on the advice from her ?friend?. We resolved it with many discussions, and now the marriage is stronger than ever. I?d say my wife has a high level of being compassionate and understanding. I wished I had told her right away, but I myself had no idea what was going on with me.

[chrissy111]

While most women would have a hard time ever accepting us, starting the relationship on a foundation of a lie is almost to much for some. I was very lucky that I new this was me and I let my feelings known up front. My girlfriend now wife has always accepted me for me.

[Giselle(Oshawa)]

My wife and I had been married 27 years when I blurted out I liked to wear women's clothes.
Now married 40 years( live together as friends not husband and wife)
Before: Good to Great
After: Worse

[Jane G]

Very much down to the way two individuals in a relationship are brought up, programmed by society at a young age, I think. Living a life long DADT. We both have a great life and I'm certain neither would ever swap what we have, but due to our upbringing full acceptance is never going to happen. Hard enough for me to accept, why should I expect acceptance from others brought up in a similar culture.

[NancySue]

When we got engaged, I didn?t think we should proceed with my big secret so I mustered up the courage and told her, totally expecting her to throw up her hands and flee. She didn?t and was willing to discuss it in more depth. She indicated she really wasn?t all that surprised as her ESP kinda sensed i had a more than an average interest in women?s clothing, especially hose. That was many years ago and her acceptance and support has been wonderful. She respected my honesty and courage. Kids are grown and gone. I?m dressed to some degree every day. Before: great. After: fantastic.

[kimdl93]

It’s rather complicated. In both marriages, my cross dressing was tolerated until it wasn’t. It did not precipitate the failure of the first marriage, but absolutely did cause the end of the second.

[docrobbysherry]

Getting dressers to follow directions is like herding cats, Sabine! We r a very independent breed!:tongueout

Before: Good
After: Same

My divorce had nothing to do with my CDing.:straightface:

[RoseReve]

Hello,

I would say our marriage was good but with a slight problem, which was precisely linked to my cross-dressing, but I didn't know it when I met her, and cross-dressing hadn't surface back after it ended when I reached puberty.

My wife has always kind of thought that I'm not manly enough. And that's a fact, as I am more a woman.

So after my cross-dressing came back 15 years into our marriage, with two lovely boys of 11 and 8, I did tell her, and she said she had been knowing it, feeling it. In a way it helped her (and me) understand better the situation of our couple. It didn't make things worse because things had already become a bit complicated between us, even if we still loved each other very much and did agree on most things regarding our family, the education of our children, the way we like to spend our free time...

At one time she began to be frightened because she thought I was decided to become a woman, which I wasn't, and I didn't make it at the time, finding it too difficult to achieve. So my cross-dressing recessed a bit, and things came back a bit to "normal"...But lately the situation has evolved, and I don't really know what will become of us. I hope we'll find the best way to lead our lives in the best satisfying manner for both of us.

So to come back to your original question:
Before: great, but getting more and more complicated
After: complicated but still delightful, with some tense moments to resynchronize our points of view.

Cheers :daydreaming:
Rose

[Mercedes]

We do not really have a before as I told my then girlfriend while we were dating. Thinking back I am shocked that I had the courage but I also believed that this was the person I was to be with, so full disclosure. Married 30 years this August and been together 36.

So my CDing has always been a part of my life, but not really our life. She has been tolerant and prefers the DADT so we negotiated some boundaries and over time they have faded. Having said that I also do not need to dress every day and more or less get taken by the pink fog now and then. Having said that, she has gotten more accepting over the many years.

To answer your question Sabine, every day together is another to grow and learn. (Too sappy?)

Mercedes. XOXOXO

[Keremy]

In my relationship when things were going good, it didn?t excite her that I cross stress, but she wasn?t opposed to it. As things declining our relationship, dressing became a issue and had to be closeted and if we get into an argument over something else, she is likely to bring it up even though she hasn?t seen me dressed in several years.

[Monique65]

Before-Good
After-Better

[Sometimes Steffi]

When I got married, "The Crossdresser's Manual" hadn't been published yet. The last hurdle I had to cross before asking my then girlfriend to marry me was whether I was even fit to be a husband as someone who wore panties and bras alone, at home from time to time. I decided that it was a sexual arousal thing and that once I was married I would get all the sex I would ever need. I'm not sure if I really believed that or if I lied to myself. I think many of use will agree that crossdressing is uncurbable. It was probably only a few months after we were married that I felt the need to put on a pair of panties. By a year in, I was trying on some of her dresses when I was alone in the house.

The most devastating thing my wife ever said to me was, "Why didn't you tell me before we got married. If I had know before we got married, I'm not sure that I would have married you." She was devastated when she discovered me packing a bra for a business trip once when she came home unexpectedly. I'm not sure if the marriage has ever been the same since. I know that we haven't been intimate in any way for over 10 years now. Sometimes, I feel like we're just going through the emotions. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like for me if we divorced shortly after discovery. Certainly, I wouldn't have lost very much intimacy if I was divorced rather than married.

[Kris Burton]

Just a follow up to my earlier post (#5) with a more personal spin and direct answer to the original question. I did not begin to crossdress actively until age 69 - 40 years into our marriage. I came out to her within two weeks. She is totally accepting and supportive. We have had many challenges and trials in our (now) 43 years together, but my crossdressing has not been one of them. So, from a personal standpoint I can say we had an excellent relationship prior to my coming out, and an excellent relationship after - so no change. I credit the honesty we have both had since our earliest days together.