From accepting wife to feeling like a weirdo

[Verona]

Hi girls, I have been absent for a while. Due to the following?

When I told my wife of 12 years about my on off dressing she was overly supportive and we shopped together and she enjoyed us exploring my feminine side.
Until one night we had a drunken explosive argument about other things non dressing related.
She then threw everything back in my face humiliating me for wearing breasts and wanting to be a woman.
I do not want to be a woman I just enjoy looking and feeling like a woman.
It really made me feel the need to purge and a couple of days later after the argument I told her that I was going to throw all my things away, she told me not to and to see how I feel a few days later as I may regret it. That was 5 weeks ago and I still feel ashamed and weird and vowed to myself to never dress again. It has had a massive affect on my mental health as I was worried she would leave me and reveal all. I know she will not leave me as she genuinely does love me and sees me as her rock and soul mate. I love her deeply too she is my world.
We do not argue often and have not argued since and we have been really good.
I do not want to dress in secret or alone, I enjoyed having someone to talk to whilst dressed and have fun. She also liked it too, it was fun and exciting.
Now it seems it will never happen again.
It seems like I can not do this again in front of her.
Where do I go from here?
Please help
Verona x

[Jillian Faith]

Honey you and your wife need to sit down and have a long talk. You need to tell her how her how her words hurt you and have effected your mental health. If you love each other as you say, she should apologize and you should accept. Only then can you two heal your relationship and possibly get back to enjoying your dressing as a couple.

Now if she raises issues of where you hurt her you also need to apologize.

[Sometimes Steffi]

My wife has known for 25 years. She has never liked it. Most of the time she silently tolerates my crossdressing as long as it remains "See no evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil."

But it's always under the surface, like a "dormant" volcano. You can never tell when it will erupt again.

Jillian has the right idea and you'll be able to find a compromise. One thing that might work is for you two to have a "safe word" like "later" to use when she can't tolerate the girl or really wants "her man" back. And if she uses the "safe word" you respond immediately, without an argument.

It won't work for me due to DADT, but you two may be able to make it work

[RoseReve]

Hello Verona,

I'm so sorry that you are feeling this bad these days.

Sure these are difficult times to go through.

Maybe I can help you with some ideas:

-First, she blamed you for "wanting to be a woman", but you write in the sentence just after this one that this is not your desire. Yet you know (and we all know because most of us have had these kinds of experiences) that never be able to dress as a woman again is doing you psychological harm.
And she gave you a really loving and caring advice when saying that you should keep the women things instead of throwing them away. So there seems to be a room for dialogue...
Can't you try at least to relaunch the topic and clarify some of these points with her? Which implies also, like Jillian said, being able to apologize if you hurted her, even unwillingly.

For example, you can ask her what disturbs her the most when you are dressed as a woman: putting on forms? Maybe she doesn't like it, because she finds that it changes you in a way she doesn't like...Or she thinks that this is awkward, much more than putting some nice clothes on...Women tend to have a perception of elegance which is more precise than men, and a certain accessory that you like can look out of place in her eyes and destroy the whole charm...Maybe she can stand women clothes as long as you are still attractive to her, and some details are not and completely turn her off?

-Another point is: does she have to be there when you dress as a woman? Is it a problem if you do this on your own? A problem for her? A problem for you?

All of this maybe is due to her goodwill after you told her about your crossdressing: the fact that she wanted to see it as something funny...Which maybe in the depth of her mind she didn't find so funny after all...

So I hope these little questions can help you move forward. I think you could also seek a therapist to try to sort out all your thoughts about this: it's a good way of preparing a discussion with your wife, and it's also a signal sent to her that you are taking it seriously, and that you want things to improve...

All the best to your wife and yourself,

Cheers,

Rose

[NancySue]

?drunken explosive arguments? rarely produce any positives. My sense is you both, asap, need to sit down, hug each other, forgive each other, and pick up where you left off. I believe if this is sincerely done, promising to never let it happen again, will strengthen your relationship. Forgive and forget and get back to where you were. Don?t purge. You?ll only have to buy more or maybe go shopping and reward each other. Wish you the best.

[docrobbysherry]

Verona, we don't have the answers to your problem, u and your wife do!:thumbsup:

Make a date with your wife to "discuss some things". Then, show her a copy of your post here and see what she says!:thumbsup:

[RoseReve]

Don?t purge. You?ll only have to buy more .
Ah ah so true!!!!

[SophiaRose]

Lots of great advice. I can only add that going back and discussing the argument without going directly into how hurt you were about the CDing comment might be a good place to start. It may be that she felt provoked and lashed out with the one thing she knew would hurt you most. This is something we all do to others when we feel that person has given us pain. Hopefully she'll say, without prompting, how sorry she was for the comments. It's funny how once we talk it out and feel better things tend to go back to normal. That of course wont truly happen unless the discussion is open and honest.

[Brynna M]

Wow that?s aweful. I find it interesting that she told you not to purge. Sounds like. sober at least, she still cares that crossdressing matters to you. The fact that in your fight she used the trust, any trust, you confided in her to hurt and humiliate you is a whole separate issue about conflict resolution. And maybe to alcohol reviled some truth and she has some struggles with your dressing that she isn?t sharing. But I circle back to her telling you not to get rid of you things. If she did that it sounds like there is some caring receptive ground for more several, calm sober conversations in doses both of you can handle.

Now that your worst selves have gone at it I hope your best selves can bring something good from it.

[MonikaCD]

Anything you say (do (or wear!)) can and will be used against you. Things you haven't said or done will be used as well. At least things not worn will not.
My wife told me recently in argument (being sober) that nothing is ever as she likes, and I even had final word when we were buying a car 10 years ago and she doesn't like that car at all. Not only she drives the car daily, admires it each time she has to drive any other car, and praised it many times for comfort, looks etc.
That's how it is with woman.
Telling you not to purge meant "I am sorry for what I have said during argument and I don't think like that anymore" ("anymore" = "right now").
I am 90+% sure that if you will ask her now, does she really have something against your dressing from time to time, she will say "no".
I am also 70% sure that if you will ask why she said that you wanted to be a women despite her knowing that's not true, she will not be able to give you any meaningful answer right now.

[siva]

i guess women are complicated. Probably some GG can provide some inputs

[char GG]

Until one night we had a drunken explosive argument about other things non dressing related.

My advice would be: not take a drunken explosive argument over anything seriously.

[Susan_Michaela]

Well the only thing I can say is several women I?ve known in the past and s few I personally know still have always said to me and others their spouses or whoever even kids. It?s our right to change our opinions whenever we feel like it and everyone else has to abide with it. I?m serious it?s been said in front of me more than once so must be a thing in the area I live it. Not sure about elsewhere but here it?s the gospel .

[kimdl93]

Your wife is right. Just give yourself some time to heal from the argument. Then talk with your wife. It seems that you both found something positive and enjoyable in your cross dressing. Let?s hope it can be rediscovered.

[Debs]

been here many times over the years, please just get dressed and carry on, the longer you leave it the harder it will be to get back to the way it was. When you do get dressed and spend some time together it will do two things, first it will break the loop of not dressing, second it will prompt a nice chat with your wife, and all will be put in the past, do it now or it will fester until the situation becomes intolerable. Believe me I have been called some nasty things in anger from my wife, but I just carried on, if you let a few angry words upset you whilst dressed youll never dress again. Wait till you step out of the door dressed and go clubbing and come across a gang of men, then youll know what being called words means, and yes I also been there got the video got the T shirt. I just let it pass over me, I am who I am and cant and dont want to change, obviously you feel the same, so you gonna have to learn how to deal with angry or taunting words, there words, learn to deal with them, just smile and carry on.

[Debbie Denier]

Verona, I think a sober conversation with your wife will resolve things. It appears that you have her acceptance and willingness to take part. Something most of us would give our left arm for.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Don't purge. You'll only have to buy more or maybe go shopping and reward each other. Wish you the best.

I've often thought of opening a purging service. If you decide you want to purge, box everything up and send it to me. I'll store it for 1 year and ship it back to you if you change your mind within a year.

You can think of it as the "recycle bin" on your PC.

[CarlaWestin]

That's a pretty good idea, Steffi. The storefront of the warehouse could be a wonderful secondhand shop catering to CD's. Maybe charge an up front deposit and after a week the purger can forfeit either the cash or the stuff.


Back to the matter at hand. As a few have touched on, alcohol brings out primary elements and lowers inhibition. I've blurted out stupid sh*t at the wrong time to the wrong people.
As your description of events revealed more than just a mild adult beverage situation, I do believe you're overreacting by placing blame on your CD activity.

But, if you purge, just think of all the nice new clothes and shoes and bras and stockings and wigs and makeup you'll be buying soon afterwards.

[Verona]

Thank you ladies for the advice. Thanks Debs.
I?ll see if I can resolve this over the weekend. Fingers crossed we can move forward and enjoy ourselves x

[Sometimes Steffi]

That's a pretty good idea, Steffi. The storefront of the warehouse could be a wonderful secondhand shop catering to CD's. Maybe charge an up front deposit and after a week the purger can forfeit either the cash or the stuff.

I would rent a storage locker and store the boxes there.

Nothing you couldn't do by yourself. But, if it helps that your storage locker is hundreds of miles away, I can help.

[docrobbysherry]

Steffi, why would being far away help? If they felt the compulsion to dress again they mite not be able to resist the urge to run out and buy some things while waiting for u to return their old things.

Whereas if thet put them into storage themselves they could get them when they needed them.:battingeyelashes:

[CynthiaD]

I am speaking as a recovered alcoholic. I'm not preaching or telling you what to do, but if drinking alcohol is causing trouble in your life, stop drinking. You are the only one who can make this assessment, but you must do so with brutal honesty. What you do about it, if anything, is entirely up to you.

As for me, going sober saved my life. Christmas this year will be my 50th anniversary of going sober. Good luck to you.

[RoseReve]

All the best to you Cinthia, I'm happy if you succeeded in becoming sober on the long run, and I'm happy to know it saved your life!!!

Speaking about purge: three months ago I gave away a full bag of woman jeans I intended not to wear anymore...And just today, I thought to myself all at once "these jeans were cool, I should buy one again"...!!! :daydreaming:

[JulieC]

Verona, there's lots of great advice above. I'd like to add more below, but I also want to very strongly agree DO NOT PURGE. You will regret it, guaranteed. DON'T DO IT.

You are not alone. In fact, I've been in your shoes.

I told my (now) wife about my crossdressing after we'd been dating for a couple of months. She accepted it well, even bought me some pantyhose a couple of days later. A few years after we were married, I started exploring crossdressing more. Rather than just some underthings, I started getting more into heels, and dresses, and etc. My wife got overwhelmed, and it all came crashing down. She wrote me a letter that crushed me...just absolutely crushed me. Here, I thought I'd married a woman who was accepting enough that I could be me in this marriage. Suddenly, there was outright rejection and condemnation. My world came crashing down. I wasn't going to divorce her over it, but I threw myself completely into the idea that this was going to be a DADT relationship moving forward; I would have to hide my crossdressing things, and I would never be able to dress and risk discovery again.

Over the almost year following, I never brought up crossdressing in discussion. I never made inferences. I never commented on her clothes, her shoes, her shopping choices. None of it. I didn't even get on this forum when I thought she might wander in the room. I became 100% the prototypical guy. Our relationship was hurting, but sustainable as was. I figured we could work it out, that things would get back to close like they had been before, but without any involvement of crossdressing at all. After nearly a year of this, there was some rapprochement. I don't remember the context, but she brought up crossdressing. I took very, very careful steps that day, and a few very tentative ones over the months that followed. Fast forward to today, some 15 years later; my wife is 100% accepting. I don't know that I can call her 100% supportive per se, but 100% accepting yes. I can freely dress around her as much as I want as often as I want. There's no restrictions on what I wear or where I wear it. She's more comfortable with the idea of me being in public than I am.

So, can it work? Can a relationship heal enough to get back to that? Yes, it can. It's going to take some serious discussion, and some patience on both of your parts. Trust will have to be rebuilt, and a stronger bond with 100% communication built into it. You can do it.

Just do not purge!

[Verona]

Thank you Julie
Great advice x

[DianeT]

In my experience, people intoxicated tend to blurt out truths that they wouldn't otherwise. I think your wife resents the dressing to some point. And that's normal. As a wife, seeing my husband dressed as a girl would probably push a few of my buttons, too. I know my wife is puzzled by my dressing and resents a few aspects of it. And again, that's okay, wives aren't supernatural beings, they're human. They cope with our proclivity to the best they can, out of their love for us. My wife does extraordinary things to make me feel accepted. So, as hurtful it was for you to hear what you heard, remember that your wife loves you deeply or she wouldn't have done all these things for you. Just talk to her and see that your dressing doesn't overwhelm her, maybe discuss boundaries again. If she remembers them, she probably regrets already the things she said. But she, you, we, are just humans. We do mistakes. Forgive her. And when you are ready, talk to her.

[RoseReve]

Hello,
reading the most recent posts made me think that maybe there is a kind of psychological pattern by some women married to husbands who explore the feminine side: at first they try to be supportive, out of love, comprehension, maybe curiosity...But at the same time there can be in their subconscious a growing fear of the wedding relationship being somewhat threatened by the crossdressing habit and/or growing impersonation of a woman by the husband.
And like in many subconscious processes, there can come a time when the subconscious is stronger and overwhelms the conscious goodwill.
Verona's story, JulieC's one, and an episode I had to live through in my own couple, tend to indicate it...And I also read similar stories in another thread...

[krissy]

My ex used to enjoy my dressing even took me on walks but we broke up her sister was staying with us she told her sister about me then a week later she hid some of my wifes
sexy clothes and told my ex she saw me steal them she didn't believe me and left. but when i moved out i found the halter tops and bras and panties under my wifes and my bed mattress .told wife didn't believe me then told all my family and hers all my male friends in my mechanic shop i thought thats it ill never live this down lost all friends and most family I'm 66 now i still dress my current wife cant stand this part of me any of it we have been married for 45 years i love her dearly but not being able to share this part of my self with the one you love hurts so bad she used to buy me things even put my stockings on driving down the highway it was so cool. but she had a friend that wanted to see me dressup and wanted to help me with makeup so the three of us got to work her friend did one hell of a job .you know when you look at your self in mirror and your mind gets blown away on how pretty i was .later my wife came up stairs to ask if i wanted a threesome with her i saw the look on her face and told her no .she gave me the best and sexyest kiss i have ever had in my life .we both had on lipstick our lips just glided over each others I'm 66 and never had a kiss like that but the next day she told me she didn't want to see like that ever again. and this is the weird part she told me i don't know what you need but ill try to make you happy .so we stayed together all these years you know life and kids got in way till they all left now i try to sleep in my bras and breast pads she sleeps in her own room but always comes in my room i think she dose it to see if I'm wearing any thing.:)

[Verona]

Thank you everyone for the advice, I feel more nervous approaching this conversation than I did when I first told my wife x

[Sometimes Steffi]

Hello,
reading the most recent posts made me think that maybe there is a kind of psychological pattern by some women married to husbands who explore the feminine side: at first they try to be supportive, out of love, comprehension, maybe curiosity...But at the same time there can be in their subconscious a growing fear of the wedding relationship being somewhat threatened by the crossdressing habit and/or growing impersonation of a woman by the husband.

Good thought. Kind of like the honeymoon period, when neither husband or wife does anything wrong.

[nancy58]

I believe Jillian nailed it. Whether or not you give up crossdressing, you need some serious conversations about how to express your respective gripes before things explode. I've been working on this stuff with my wife for 32 years now, and I believe we've finally got it figured out. One thing my therapist recommended to me was when we have an argument about something, revisit the situation some days later when tempers are cool. That's hard for me to do as a conflict-avoider, but the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I wish you both good luck. It sounds like you have a pretty good thing going.

[Verona]

Thank you all so much for the advice. I sat down with my wife yesterday and told her how I felt and I also read this thread to her and all your replies and everything is back on track. She says she has missed Verona so much and we are having a full day of dressing and fun today. Thank you all so much for the support. Love you all xxx

[Sometimes Steffi]

One thing my therapist recommended to me was when we have an argument about something, revisit the situation some days later when tempers are cool. That's hard for me to do as a conflict-avoider, but the more I do it, the easier it becomes. I wish you both good luck. It sounds like you have a pretty good thing going.

My therapist told that if you get into an argument with your wife, the adrenal "flight or fight" hormones will be released. Once they are released, it will take about 30 minutes for the adrenal hormones to subside and be reabsorbed. Nothing good can happen in those 30 minutes. Walk away.

That was good advice, and it has a physiology about it that is easy to remember and makes sense. I use it quite often I often take a 30 minute walk or go upstairs to chill out for 30 minutes. I tell my wife what I'm doing so it doesn't seem like I'm walking out. It really works. It's amazing how much a 30 minute cool-down period changes my outlook on life. We can usually come to a solution, but even if we can't, at least we can remain calm about it.

[Brynna M]

I’m so happy that things are back to being good for you! ��

[Angie G]

After coming out to my lovely wife ( to long a storie to tell it all) she had little problem with me dressing. It got to the point that I dressed about 23 hours a day 7 day a week. I now have cut back to 7or 8 hours a day still 7days a week. I can't say I can't
Say I can't live without dressing I just really enjoy it. She is happy I've cutback and I'm happy to deal able to dress without a problem.:hugs:
Angie