To tell (the SIL) or not

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm going on a long CD/TG weekend away with a small group in a couple of weeks.

My wife has mobility problems and some cognitive and memory deficits. We sister is planning to come up for a week to help my wife out. She's going to come up a few days early so I can teach her about how to help my wife put on her CPAP mask and how to load her medical injector. About half the time, my wife forgets how to do it correctly.

So, here's the ask.

I was thinking of outing myself to my SIL. She's several years younger than both me and my wife. She may be the last (wo)man standing after both my wife and I pass. My wife knows that I crossdress but is extremely DADT. My daughter doesn't know.

I was thinking about the following conversation (alone) with my SIL.

Do you know what a crossdresser is?

Then provide a brief explanation of what a crossdresser is.

Have you ever met one of seen one?

Well you have now. Your sister knows but is DADT. Do you have any questions for me.

Then answer all her questions honestly, if she has any. Show her pics if she's interested.

What are your thoughts?

Then,

[bridget thronton]

Would be good if you had your wife's agreement to tell her (perhaps the last woman standing argument to protect your daughter might be the opening)

[Laura912]

Though the cognitive dysfunction of your wife is something difficult with which to deal, it is no reason not to ask her if she is agreeable to tell your SIL. But…why do you have to tell SIL?

[Debbie Denier]

I would get your wife?s agreement before even thinking about it

[Stephanie47]

I see no reason for you to out yourself to SIL. Do you expect your SIL to grill you about your trip? Wouldn't you deserve a weekend away for your own mental health? Be it related to cross dressing or fishing? If your wife spills the beans in your absence, then you can fill-in the details.

[AmyJordan]

Hi Steffi
I was very reluctant to involve my SIL into our lifestyle despite my wifes encouragement and my SILs obvious knowledge of it anyway, I convinced myself she didn't know even though that meant she teased me relentlessly.

In the end my wife convinced me it would make my life easier to admit it so despite being extremely scared my wife introduced her to Amy.

For me it couldn't have gone better but if she had no previous idea or if she wasn't such a firework of fun I don't think we would ever have sprung it on her.

Only you know what your SLI is like and if she's likely to flip it may go horribly wrong and be embaressing for you or your wife especially as she doesn't seem to support your dressing.

Good luck but give it serious thought.

Amy x

[Jasmine23]

Hi Steffi,
Only you can really determine the risk of telling your SIL, it's impossible for people on here to know how she might react. I would question the need to tell your SIL in the first place, what is it likely to achieve, what's the benefit of telling her, is there a risk she will tell others , did you ask your wife, does she agree?, There's a chance it could blow up in your face.

As Amy has pointed out, it's a completely different situation to her's where her SIL seemed to already know and was accepting. Thread very carefully here, you can't unring a bell!

Good luck with whatever you decide and enjoy the vacation!

[danniUK]

It's a tricky one Steffi. Personally I'd want to tell but I think I'm just in "that place" in my life where I want to come out to the world and the only thing stopping me is that my wife wouldn't like it. I think you'd want to talk to your wife about this before you do anything too. While her memory and cognition are still there I think you'd have to.
But assuming she says it's OK - I really hope it goes well. I've considered telling my (younger) sister since she's started spending more time at our house and I'm kind of looking forward to doing it.

[MonikaCD]

Steffi, I think that you just feel a pressure to tell somebody - or more exactly some woman - and it happens to be your SIL as she will be at hand.
I don't see any other reason to tell her and outcome may be negative or neutral. So it's better not to.

[JulieC]

Hmm.

If the reason to tell her is that she will be the one to go through your things and figure out final disposition of them, then yeah telling her would potentially be advantageous. Though, if she's anything like your wife in her personality, she may reject you as well. Another alternative; write (or better yet, type and sign) a note about your femme clothes and your crossdressing and leave it with your femme clothes so that someone going through your stuff can understand why you have these clothes, rather than just leaving them to always speculate, always wonder.

If the reason is to have another woman to tell, that's really a call only you can make. We've no way to evaluate that.

[Genifer Teal]

I would have to agree that your wife needs to be on board as best she can at this stage. I wouldn't just randomly tell my sister-in-law without any prior information as to how she might react.
Doesn't seem appropriate to just start talking about. You could ask her some random questions not related to you? If they were ambiguous enough to test the waters, but I would leave it that Unless you know more.

[kimdl93]

My initial reaction parallels those stated by others. Upon further reflections, my question is more towards understanding what are you might hope to achieve by engaging your SIL in this conversation. Is it fair to say that you have a degree of trust in your SIL and a reasonable expectation that she might be at least neutral if not supportive? while I can understand the general view that your wife should have a say, it seems obvious what her opinion would be, but given the trajectories of your lives, it seems you are entitled to a degree of latitude.

[Cassie2024]

My first thought is why? Is it important to that your SIL know about your dressing? Is it because we will be in the home and the clothes and other items will be visible and obviously not your wife's? I would definitely speak to your wife and get her input, as much as she can give you. You wouldn't want to go against her wishes at this stage. Yes, enjoy your weekend. You are lucky to have friends you can spend time with en femme.

[Aka_Donna]

What about daughter? Won't SIL tell her? How certain?? Is there someone else you could tell that would be ok with wife?

[SaraLin]

Steffi, I'm thinking that unless there is a good reason to out yourself to her, why would you do it?
It seems the risks are way worse than the reward (if any)

Can you tell us just why you're thinking about doing this?

[alwayshave]

Discretion is the better part of valor Steffi. While I have a letter to my step-daughter on top of my boxes containing my forms and pads, etc..., I feel no reason to tell her before I pass.

[Lacey New]

Stef, the more people who know, the more people will know. Just that simple.

[Natalie5004]

I think people are missing the point. She should be the last person standing with the daughter. I thinks Steffi wants to shield the daughter from the cross dressing. The hope is SIL will clear the stuff out of the house when the end is near??

[chelyann]

unless there is a good reason to tell her, why would you do it?
It seems the risks are way worse than the reward (if any), if she dont like it you WILL lose her help with your dear wife,,,,
and your daughter will cleaning up after you r gone, put your wife's name on the boxes and will think they your wife's old clothes...

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Steffi:hugs:,

See line #4 in my signature ,

>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Jane G]

It's DADT. Your wife needs to be happy and understand what you plan before you tell your sister. Hope it works out.

[Heather76]

DADT would indicate your wife simply doesn't want to see or know when you dress. She most likely would not be happy to find out you told a family member of your cross-dressing life. The only answer is to pass it by her and abide by her wishes. My wife is fully aware of my cross-dressing and sees me cross-dressed on a daily basis. But, if I told family or friends, that would be a deal breaker for her.

[CarlaWestin]

Stepph, I wouldn't do anything that changes the dynamic of what you've constructed so far. We can't just blow our cover because there's a yearning to get positive feedback or admiration no matter how you sugar coat it.
Let sleeping dogs lie. I firmly agree with Heather.

[Brynna M]

I don't see the upside here. Unless as some have said you are worried about her confusion or discomfort after your passing why take the risk for you and foist the burden of a secret on her. If you get inadvertently outed you can have the conversation then. The only reason I would see is if there is some trust you feel you are violating. I don't see the same obligation to a SIL that you have to a spouse to share all the big things in your life.

[Amy Lynn3]

The years I have been here many have wanted to do the same thing as you and tell someone other than those who already know about their dressing. The general consensus was unless the person you are going to tell has a valid reason to know, don't do it. I understand you may want to keep your daughter from knowing you dress and asking SIL to intervene before she finds out would be a need to know in my mind. However, if you do ask SIL do it in a way as asking for help, not just to share a hobby. By all means consult with your wife prior to telling anyone.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Prior to this, my wife asked me to not tell anyone, especially my daughter and to not let my daughter discover it "accidently. It was one of the boundary rules in our DADT agreement, and I've held by nit.

My wife asked me (demanded me) to tell SIL.

But, she has been having cognitive and memory problems.

Cognitively, I'm not sure that my wife thought through all the implications. One of her cognitive deficits is not always understanding a sequence of events.

By the time SIL gets here, my wife may have forgotten that she asked me to tell SIL. Telling her then would create nan explosion of some kind. I definitely should check in with my wife before I tell SIL, if I decide to do so.

I do have a "concept of a plan" in the event of my eventual demise. I shop at a consignment store (a lot) and I've talked with the owner about coming in and taking all of my stuff and selling it at her consignment store. That way, she could deal with all the details and obscure them from my daughter. Like, I can't believe that he wore that minidress!

[chelyann]

[she has been having cognitive and memory problems.]
[not let my daughter discover it ]

if you tell SIL and it goes bad your daughter and whole family will know.................

[char GG]

My wife asked me (demanded me) to tell SIL.

Maybe give your wife permission to tell the SIL herself. Then it may or may not happen.

[Laura912]

Char has an excellent suggestion.

[chelyann]

you said your dear wife has memory issues, so leave this under the rug ....
if your wife tells SIL and it goes bad your daughter and whole family will know.................
if you are bent people FINDING OUT put it on Facebook/ go to your address book and reply all.....
im NOT trying to be mean, just trying to keep your daughter and wife from embarrassment if this whole thing blows up

[Sometimes Steffi]

I'm kind of liking Char's response.

I don't really want to be "out" to the whole world. And if I did want to be out, using Facebook to be out would not work for me. I was on Facebook years ago. It provided me a little insight into what my daughter was up to. I never did "make" any friends, any eventually, I shot down all notices about "Do you know ..." I subsequently "lost" my account and never felt that it was important enough to find it.

Maybe I'm a Luddite, or just not into social media, but this forum is my only social media presence. No twitter, Instagram, nothing.

[Jasmine23]

Hi Steffi, just another option if you feel the need to tell anyone, why not tell your daughter directly, cut out your SIL. I take it that she is a grown adult and probably more likely to accept this than your SIL, as younger people tend to be more open. You can somewhat control the narrative too by telling your daughter yourself, also she is more likely to keep it to herself than to tell the extended family, which I think there is a danger your SIL could do. Your daughter may find out even if you tell your SIL. Only you can judge which outcome is better, I understand you promised your wife not to tell your daughter, but, she doesn't need to know that you told her.

[Sometimes Steffi]

Update, denouement.

Crisis averted.

My SIL came last Saturday and she's leaving tomorrow.

My TG event has come and passed. I left Wednesday and returned home last night.

My wife didn't ask me to tell my SIL, so I didn't. I don't know if my wife forget or if she had a change of heart. I'm not asking her any questions that I don't want to hear the answers to.

Thanks for your advice and support. You girls are my only sounding board when questions like these come up.