What sparked these feelings

[Maria 60]

Sometimes even after so many years I still get those I don't believe feelings. The other night I was very tired and told my wife I was going to watch tv in bed. When I went to bed I just took off my top and jean skirt and layed in bed with a bra and slip and beige pantyhose.
My wife not wanting to be alone came and read her book in bed with me. Don't get the wrong idea because when I'm dressed she will go out of her way not to touch me, so we know what didn't happen.
For some reason something came over me and I looked down at myself and then looking at my wife almost like this was a normal situation. I would get dressed fem in front of her but I never really would lay around wearing a bra and slip like that in front of her. I thought to myself how did I get to this scenario that this is normal for us and still in a little disbelief that I would even be ok presenting myself in front of her like this.
Last night my brother in law came by and we worked on his car and once he left I washed my greasy hands and showered and a Amazon delivery came. My wife told me she follows these girls on Amazon who recommend products and they suggested a brand of pantyhose and my wife bought them for me. I was flattered and put them on and a bra and sat out front smoking a cigar with a glass of wine when I looked down and seen my pantyhosed feet. I pulled up the hem of my jeans and started feeling my legs and just wondering, what drives me to this. I was just working on a car and now I'm wearing pantyhose and a bra and not to mention pink flower panties and feeling my own pantyhosed legs. My wife came out and asked me why I was in deep thought, she told me that she could probably guess that I'm still trying to figure it out. I told her one minute I'm fixing cars and the next minute I'm feeling my legs.
My wife with her "cup half full" attitude told me I told her that I was probably nine when I put on my sisters pantyhose and I'm now sixty one why keep trying to figure it out and just enjoy feeling my legs.
I guess she was right I haven't figured it out yet after all these years why start now.
I'm just a little confused why I'm having these thoughts now, was it because of the other night in bed that sparked all these thoughts. I'm just wondering if anyone else after so many years starting thinking back and wondering what drove us here and what still drives us to put on these things?

[Aka_Donna]

Its not just CD. Sometime after we reach a mature age, we start playing memory tapes about family, life choices, why we took on a certain personality, and what makes us happy. Perhaps as we notice our bodies changing, we wonder and ponder about our life choices and the effects of different experiences in our past that still resonate with us today. Some have an excellent memory and can replay event again and again. I can't so these ponderings are frustrating and get nowhere with me. So, I have learned to just go with what works and enjoy the moments. It's more than escapism as theres a heavy element of juice added to life by the CD experiences. Even if you could figure it out, would than change anything? Maybe its as simple as not feeling complete without both sides of personality.

[Stephanie47]

As compared with my thoughts when I was a teenager or young adult my current thoughts are fleeting. As I stated many times I've accepted myself and now have to deal with the attitude of those who are not appreciative of my needs and desires. I have no control over what others may say or do, if I was to proclaim myself to the world. My wife and I are in a deep "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" relationship when it comes to me wearing feminine attire. Sometimes I think, if she were to give me a little encouragement, she would lose control of the situation, i.e., I would overwhelm her.

[Shelly Preston]

Hi Maria

I am not sure most of us will ever know what kept us on this journey. Its such a difficult question to answer.

Its like saying why do I have blue eyes or why are some people intersex. I personally think there must be a genetic component. There must be more scientific discoveries to come. I can remember when people said the atom was the smallest thing in the universe. I guess only time will tell.

[kimdl93]

Of course. That feeling of being different began very early, along with an attraction to female things. Not absolute clarity about wanting to be a woman, but some vague affinity. I also realized very early that whatever it was that I was feeling, it was frowned upon. So there were uncertainties about gender and about why I had this inclination.

Humans seek and need explanations and can generated elaborate explanations from minimal or erroneous observations Our ancestors saw patterns in stars and conjured up complex origin stories. Eventually we learned that stars were just distant suns and pieced together the natural history of the planet. So it may be with cross dressing and gender variation. Until we have some sort of reliable scientific explanations, we may try to come up with our own based in conjecture.

I know its hard, but sometimes the best answer in the moment may be: I don’t know.

[NancySue]

My answer to your question, ?All the time?, but I don?t worry or fret about it. I, too am a nylons devotee. They were my first and remained #1 as I progressed. First, RHT sheer nylons with garter belt or OB girdle, then pantyhose, now because of back issues, it?s thigh highs daily, regardless of the weather. At each stage, yes, I?d contemplate ?why?. I?m blessed with a totally supportive wife, who stopped wearing hose. We?ve had many ?why? conversations, no answers. I?m positively pleased that after all these years, how much I still enjoy slipping on hose every day. Most pleasant after a shower, and scented body lotion. I often tell my wife how comfortable they are. She just smiles, and rolls her eyes. I chalk it off to the Pink Fog.

[Teresa.Smith.VA]

What drove us here and what still drives us to put on these things?

In earlier years, sexual pleasure was the primary reason for dressing in femme. Later in life, it was the fun my wife and I had when we slept in chiffon nighties and panties.

Once I gained confidence that I at least blended in public, it was so much fun for us to pretend that we were "girlfriends" that enjoyed dinning out, shopping, and even taking vacations as girls.

Bottom line: The thrill of dressing as a woman was the primary driver of my need to dress. The fact that my wife is so supportive and encouraging made it a heavenly experience that we both still enjoy.

[alwayshave]

Maria, I am 63 year old. Early on I wanted to know what caused me to want to dress, thinking if I understood the cause, I could defeat it. I no longer want to defeat my need to dress, I embrace it. Therefore, I no longer wonder why.

[Fiona_44]

For many decades I wondered why I had an interest in women's clothes. When I started living as Fiona, I realized it was partly because it brought out the feminine side of me. I then finally knew that the feminine me was the bigger and ultimately better part of me. There are probably a number of other reasons as well but I have given up trying to find them. I really do not care any longer. I am just happy that I am lucky enough to be living as the real me.

[docrobbysherry]

I think you're awfully darn lucky and not typical at all from my experience. I think I was fascinated with my legs with pantyhose for maybe the first 5 years after I began dressing?:o

And, thinking back on the many Tgirls I've known over the 12 + years I've been going out dressed? I can't think of even one dresser, included myself, that hasn't progressed, (or majorly changed if u prefer), their presentation. Including many I never see anymore because they're living as women and too busy or bored to dress up and go out with us anymore.:battingeyelashes:

I must admit I'm jealous. I wish throwing on a few things would make me as happy as r!:thumbsup:

[Debbie Denier]

I am a year younger than you. I think most of us reflect about our life at this age. Still no nearer to finding an answer as to why? Still feel the guilt of living a closeted life.

[Helen_Highwater]

Looking back to my earliest memories, 3-4 years of age, of trying on femme things I've come to the conclusion that there wasn't any particular trigger, no one event, it has been simply part of me, growing over the years.

In later years, early adulthood, pre Internet I still had no idea why I was drawn to it. True there was a sexual element but that was byproduct not the reason. The Internet brought the understanding that I wasn't alone and eventually finding you lovely people.

Still don't know why but glad I do as it's brought me must happiness.

[susan2010]

What a lovely story! I'm almost 72 and I still can't explain why I dress except to say that I feel miserable if I go without for a long time. I'm in a DADT (much) relationship with my SO (she knows I dress but doesn't want to see me or know any details). So long as we have separate homes I can dress as I like in my home and she is not here. I'd love to share more of my story and my dressing with her, but that may not happen. Meanwhile, I must be content with life as it is.

[bridget thronton]

I think you are quite lucky to have the wife you have - she clearly loves and cares for you

[Sometimes Steffi]

For the first 20 to 30 years after starting crossdressing, I always thought that I was, what's the word, "deviant". I finally starting accepting myself as I am after a lot of therapy.

[CynthiaD]

In high school I decided that crossdressing was sick. I decided to give it up "forever" and learn to be just like the other boys. After a couple of encounters with the police, I gave up trying to be like the other boys. Afew years later, I realized that when I gave up the girl stuff I also gave up the best part of myself, the aspects of my personality that I liked the most. I’m still struggling to get them back.

What led me to crossdressing in the first place? I don’t have the vaguest idea. I just know it’s the correct thing to do.

[Veronica Lacey]

Hey there Maria...

I am thankful that I long ago determined the answers to the "Why do I do this?" kinds of self-inquisitions (mid-50's here.) Where did this all begin? Why do I wear this? Am I hetero or something else? Is this ok? Where is this leading? No internet back then and it felt pretty surreal but over time it occurred to me all the "whys" and I simply accepted my conclusions. Perhaps I wonder a bit about what the future could look like but am not worrying about that; society is slowly changing, adapting and I'm intrigued at what it will be like for many of us 10, 20, 30 years from now. But the "why" of it all has not entered my mind in many years.

[sometimes_miss]

I'm one of those, who, after reading many thousands of posts here, have come to the conclusion that most don't really want to know why they desire to crossdress and/or sometimes behave more like a woman does.
All because we are brought up from the moment we are toddlers, to believe that being girly in any way, is the worst possible thing a man could ever be. Yes, that concept is still reinforced, just look at how sports coaches and drill sergeants use feminine descriptors to try to shame men into being more 'manly'.
Same with homosexual behavior. There's still a stigma to it almost worldwide, all resulting from the eternal fear that a gay man might abandon his place in a military situation, in order to save his male lover, resulting in the whole army being overrun by some flanking attack or whatever (I'm not a military person).
Homophobia. It's still stuck in our heads. No, we're not afraid of homosexuals. We're still afraid of BEING thought of as possibly being gay. Perhaps you don't think so. Perhaps you're gay and proud of it. But it still doesn't erase how we were brought up, how we have seen the world treat gay males, how so many still hate homosexuals. And we can't stand the idea of being an object of that hate. So we pretend that we're not. That 'oh, it's not the REAL me. The REAL me is all straight, all male, all the time'. Sure.
So our expressing any feminine feelings, still evokes the primal 'OH NO! NOT ME!' sometimes only subconscious feeling that we don't want to have to deal with. So we pretend that we don't know why we feel that way.
It's simple. We have the same feelings that women do. And that's unacceptable for a man in our societies. So we need to pretend it doesn't exist. Or we will go crazy.
There you go. Feel free to go and read all the psychology books, like I have over the past 50 years, you'll come to the same conclusion. I no longer argue with people about this. Be who you are, and be happy with it, I am glad to see that at least many can at least do that, even if they can't acknowledge, why.
But there is a reason, even if you can't face it.

[Evelyn37]

I have been thinking about the why more often now that I am retirement age. Perhaps it is the tendency to be more reflective as we age. I would like to know the answer as to why that first attraction came about.

[Verity]

I am relatively new to my life of dressing. So many years denying the impulse. Now that I?m at last being honest (and so much happier) I have been looking back and seeing so many times all my life that the desire was there but suppressed, hidden even from myself. So foolish. I too wonder a bit where it stems from, but am more focused on simply letting go of the inhibitions that kept me from being all of me for so long. I am just thrilled to find that I don?t feel like I am losing any of me, just gaining more, being MORE me as I accept my need to dress and joy in doing so. It seems the driving call to dress is elusive to many, maybe I won?t worry much about it, just accept, but I know I?ll always be asking myself. So I?ll be gentle with that question and not demanding, and live in gratitude for getting to be wholly me. Thanks for sharing everyone! Interesting thoughts to be sure.

[mykell]

i dont know if that question will ever be answered....you though have a unique situation....support and understanding from the Mrs....just enjoy that you can enjoy touching each others legs.

when i talk with people about my "self" i say i have lived a male life but would have preferred to have lived this side of myself if society would have supported it

its harder to do today with all the extras on cars but ive done my share of working on them and know some women who are not shy around them....

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Maria:hugs:, Thanks, That was a great story,>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I've never questioned my enjoyment of wearing women's things, though I have kept it largely hidden. But the love of silky fabrics and feminine styles overlaps with my love of interior design, and the fabrics and colours that involves, and overlaps with my love of women's fashion, and overlaps with my bisexual attraction to some males (largely unexplored), and my lifelong feeling of greater ease in women's company than in men's.

Yes, I love feeling my legs in stockings, but it's only one small part of a large part of my personality which is unquestioningly femme.