Looking forward from the past

[Helen_Highwater]

I?ve been in a DADT situation for a while now. My SO had seen passing glimpses of me dressed, but now real face to face as a while ago I was somewhat outed by some cucumber and a tomato. (https://www.crossdressers.com/forums/showthread.php?282291-Outed-by-a-tomato&highlight=cucumber) and I?ve been pondering having the talk for a while.

Now for background to this, every morning while my SO says in bed due to medical issues and knits or spends time on her tablet, I?m downstairs cleaning up last night?s plates and giving the kitchen a good clean and doing it while in a skirt and top. A quick cover up and I?d take my SO her breakfast in bed returning downstairs to have my breakfast and tablet time while skirted and topped. When my SO gets up, I?d cover up again. We have our schedule.

Every now and again my SO will get up and come downstairs either to get something she needs or to ask me about something that?s popped up on her email she?s unsure of. Hearing her coming down in the past has triggered my swift transformation and hurriedly covering up.

Well, I decided that, as on a few occasions now she?s seen me dressed and it?s no secret then next time she came downstairs I wouldn?t react. Stay dressed, face it out. So, in the recent past that?s what?s happened.

First time, while in the kitchen, I heard her upstairs talking on the phone discussing something. My thinking was it was my youngest discussing arrangement for us to meet up the next day and there was the real possibility my SO would come downstairs to tell me of the plans. As it turned out the call was from the hospital giving her the date for her operation and sure enough, she came downstairs to tell me. Calm as you like I just stood there in the most matter of fact way I could, surprised myself by having no nerves at all. Conversation had, she went back upstairs.

Second time, similar sort of thing except this time it was about meeting up with the youngest. I was sat on the settee, knew she was coming, didn't react, she walked into the sitting room and again, calmness personified, we had our mini conversation and once again off she went.

No dramas, so all bodes well.

Now what I haven?t yet done is capitalised on these two occasions, sort to normalise my dressing and to be able to dress freely around the house. I guess I?m a little afraid of the answer to the question, ?Does it bother you??. If the reply comes back yes then it not only makes further progress more difficult but also means what I do at the moment, despite her lack of any negative response so far, she does have a problem with seeing me dressed. I guess I need to use my presentation skills training to rehearse the conversation in my head and format as many leading questions as I can to move the conversation in the way I?d like it to go to avoid that situation.

Looking ahead to when she has her op and is a confined to her bed for most of the time for the first couple of weeks, I?m going to be tending to her needs, nurse and butler rolled into one. I?ve decided I don?t want to be in the situation of having to cover up each time my help is needed if at all possible so I?m now waiting for that next accidental unplanned exposure to me dressed that I can use to trigger ?The conversation?.

I know I missed the opportunity on two occasions before. In my defence I'd say it was due to my lack of preparedness. Hopefully next time I'll be better prepared and able to move things forward.

And there's a second part to this. Mornings I'm dressed in casual attire. Simple pull on skirt and tee, perhaps a cardi. Evenings my SO is downstairs watching TV, it's my turn to sit upstairs on my PC while dressed but more stylishly than compared to my morning wear. Tailored skirts, satin blouses and heels. So how do I introduce my extensive wardrobe? I guess it has to be a little at a time but that's a bridge somewhat further down the road.

[Debra Russell]

No matter what I think she already has a better idea of what you do as Helen, if so maybe you are in a better position to present as you wish .............................Debra

[Suzie Petersen]

It sounds like you are getting to a point where the conversation just has to be had, Helen, or at least a point where things has to change to where you are allowed to dress female at home at a minimum part of the time. She obviously already knows you are doing it, and based on the situations you have described, she likely has an idea that it happens frequently.
The question is, are you prepared to live with the situation if it is not acceptable to her? If you pose the question as "Does it bother you", then it is very possible she will say Yes! Even if she is somewhat ok with it, but it still bothers her even a tiny bit, the simple answer will still be Yes, and then what do you do?
I would not ask it like that, but rather word it such that a simple one word response is not going to put you in a difficult negotiation position. A different phrasing which will require her to think about it a little and reply with more of a detailed explanation, would be better.

I suppose to me the real question is, are you prepared to live with the consequence of her saying no to any dressing? If you are, then fine, but my guess is that would put you in a very difficult position.
I have not posted about it yet, but I recently found myself in a similar situation. I came to the realization that things had to change, or something within me would break. I did not ask if it bothered her, or if it was OK, or anything like that, I told her that "We have to talk about something".
My hope was to get to a livable DADT situation where I no longer had to sneak around and lie by omission. I would never directly lie to her, but I have certainly avoided telling her what I was doing at times, and she has avoided asking.
It is important for me to also say that I had made up my mind that if that conversation went bad enough, I was going to have to consider ending the marriage! This was hard!
Well, we are still here, we are still married, I am still dressing, and I am no longer omitting to tell her what I am doing. Much more about this at a later time, but I could not have been happier with the very surprising outcome.

A good court attorney will never ask a witness a question unless they already know what the answer will be. If that answer does not support their case, they will avoid the question.
Be careful how you ask her, and be prepared to face the consequences.

[Debs]

Helen, I reckon youll be ok, she's obviously known a long time, thats why there's no big surprise when she did talk to you twice while dressed, shes probably as nervous as you to talk about the elephant in the room, so next time you take something into her in her bedroom be dresssed, sit on the bed and talk, not about you being dressed but anything else, you can then gauge the reaction, if non, just move onto you being dressed, and ask her does she mind. I think you be suprised by the answer, I'm 999% sure youll be ok, otherwise the bomb would have gone off by now. youve got it Helen, we've walked round malls together and been out in pubs and clubs, so yes youve got this.

[Jane G]

Interesting to read Helen. DADT here. My wife has seen me dressed many times. But for us I know she prefers that I drab. The question has to be asked openly and then dress accordingly.

[Rhonda Darling]

Helen, I have considered the Clues and will now solve the mystery: it was Ms. Computer Geek, in the red nightie, with the knickers (panties).

Based on your 2023 admissions to owning the nightie and the knickers, and your later being found dressed in skirt & top at your computer when your ninja-like wife surprised you, we can safely assume that your recent reveals were no real surprise to her.

Have the discussion sooner, rather than later. BE THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM. Take the bull by the tail and face the situation. Follow advice given by others about only asking questions that you already know the answer to. Also, don't negotiate against yourself by, eg: proposing restrictions on yourself before wife has made a proposal. Don't accept anything less than what you now have. If things don't go well, state that you each should keep status-quo-ante and re-discuss in X number of weeks.

Good luck, and keep us posted, please.

(Hat tip to the game of Clue [Cluedo for the Brits], the 1949 mystery board game designed by Anthony E. Pratt, published by Waddingtons, Hasbro, Parker Bros.)

Best regards, Rhonda

[docrobbysherry]

Wow! U sound like my granddaughter sneaking online time behind her mom's, (my daughter's), back!:doh:

I'm so sorry u and so many others have to live that way, Helen!:sad:

[RoseReve]

Thanks Helen for sharing your story. I hope you and your wife will find the best way for both of you. I always think that women will have less hardships understanding the people in front of them when these people are acting with elegance and subtlety...So I think this can be a kind of compass in these kinds of situations: be elegant and subtle...
I hope it helps.


I came to the realization that things had to change, or something within me would break.

All the best to you Suzie, I guess it must have been a hard time.

Cheers ladies,

Rose :rose2:

[Elizabeth G]

Hi Helen,

While a discussion may be in order perhaps a different time should be chosen. Your wife's looming operation is likely stressful enough for her.

Elizabeth

[Raychel]

I will add my thoughts.

I would say that you definitely need to have "the talk"
Your wifes upcoming operation will be the biggest stress on her mind.
You need to know her real thoughts about you dressing, You definitely
do not want to add additional stress for her. She may not want to see you dressed.
and in her recovery period, she needs to be as comfortable as possible.
You need to be comfortable as well. If she is good with it then all will be great.
If she says she would rather not see it, Then you just need to accept that and tend to
her needs. Help her however you can.

My thought on when to have "the talk"
There is never a good time. There is always some reason why we feel it is not the right time.
I fought that in my mind for years. Finally I felt I had to have that discussion.
No it was not a good time. Her father was diagnosed with terminal cancer.
It was not a great time for sure. But after the dust settled, Life was surely better.

I hope this helps.
I wish you and your wife the best.

[Debbie Denier]

There is never a perfect time to have the talk. I think sooner is better than later. Today is only yesterday?s tomorrow.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Helen:hugs:, The very imoortant items were covered Above, Good Luck, ,

Mrs Blue & I have a very workable DA/DT, We are in our 80s' and married for 60 years now,

>>>>>Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[danniUK]

Must be such a stressful time for you Helen - this plus her upcoming operation. Big hugs, whichever way you handle it.