She Caught Me

[Amy Randal]

I was getting dressed and she came in the door I was in the bedroom in black thong stockings and waist cincher. The door was half open and grabbed everything and ran into the bathroom. I wasn?t sure if she saw me. I came out of the bedroom in my guy clothes and she didn?t say anything at first. Then she says so what was that I saw. I spilled my guts and she handled it pretty well. It?s actually a relief. We will see how it goes the next few days as she processes it. I feel relieved and I am blessed with an understanding wife. It?s been a week and I am wondering if she might feel different as she processes it all. Any feedback is appreciated.

[Kris Burton]

FWIW - Although I was not "caught" it took about a week or so after my admission for my wife to process the information. She is accepting and supportive now, even participatory to a degree. If you give it time and no push the issue it may be the same for you - I hope so!

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Lisa Dee :hugs:, Well the Ball is in her court Now, Go Slowly,

Keep us advised, >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Julie Frisky]

Fingers crossed that all goes well for you, I bet your heart was racing when you heard the door..

[Kayy]

Good luck. I was caught one day too, but it turned out for the best as now my wife doesn’t mind my dressing when she is around. Prior to that she knew I dressed but had never seen me as Kayy. Hope it’s the same outcome for you.

[Raychel]

Best to get it all out in the open, Let her process her thought and discuss your's and her true thoughts.
You will be better off for it in the future.

[Crissy 107]

You should say, hopefully an understanding wife. Now that the cat is out of the bag just be honest. Lying or giving half truths will definitely cause a lot of trouble. Good luck!

[JesseVF]

I?m in the group that didn?t have the talk until a late age when for some reason I couldn?t live the secret life anymore. She was incredibly ok with it initially and took it as a - well you never know what?s going to happen in our lives kind of thing. As you said, quite a relief in getting it out in the open. Well the next day she went out for a while and came back to say actually she wasn?t sure how she felt about it and had decided to see a therapist and thought I should also. We both did that which was a big help to both of us.
The outcome was for her to tell me I should dress however I want in the house, but since I know overall she would prefer I don?t, then I don?t feel comfortable doing it (my problem).
She also said if I keep it private fine but if I wanted to be more out in the world I should tell our grown kids about it. And finally if I wanted to transition she would support the process with me, but then split up.
I?m sorry it was probably very traumatic for you to be caught that way but I?m glad it is out now and hopefully you are glad to not have to be secretive any more - it?s a hard way to live I know.
I think you are doing the right thing keeping it low key as she figures out how she feels. Definitely recommend therapy if you?re open to that.

[bridget thronton]

Time to stop hiding if you hope to have an understanding wife

[Debbie Denier]

Good luck Lisa. I hope it all goes well for you.

[Cheryl T]

Don't hide and wait for it to blow over or up.
Talk to her.
Be open, be honest and communicate.

[Jenn A116]

Got to agree with @cheryl T above. Do not wait for her to ask. Talk to her now. She needs reassurance that the person she married is going to remain. Answer the obvious questions: Why do you do this? Are you gay? Do you want to be a woman? Do you love me? And repeat as needed.

[Amy Randal]

Fingers crossed that all goes well for you, I bet your heart was racing when you heard the door..

I thought my heart and head would explode. It actually turned out to be a good thing. We talked and I explained why, I am not gay, I don’t want to transition, that it was not sexual.

[NancySue]

It happened. Remember, everything happens for a reason. Make this your fortuitous opportunity to set a rock foundation and move forward. Go slow, above all, be honest. Apologize for your secret. Do some reading. The force be with you. Let us know how things are going.

[Shelly Preston]

Most importantly.

Don't make promises you can't keep.

[SophiaRose]

Wishing you all the best as you figure things out together. Your authentic self and marriage is worth the hard work to come!

[Jane G]

Must be 35+ years since that moment occurred in our relationship. Hope it goes well. We experimented with all sorts and ended with a mutually happy and agreed DADT situation,. Good luck.

[Stephanie47]

From reading threads over the years a wife may do a complete turnaround anytime. It takes time to process revelations of this nature. Don't be surprised if there's a thought of "What else is he hiding?" I think if one is truthful and not deceitful, then the ball is in the wife's hands.

[docrobbysherry]

Helen may not agree. But, I deem u officially "caught", Lisa!:doh:

[alwayshave]

Lisa, I hope that her processing is open minded and empathic.

[Amy Randal]

FWIW - Although I was not "caught" it took about a week or so after my admission for my wife to process the information. She is accepting and supportive now, even participatory to a degree. If you give it time and no push the issue it may be the same for you - I hope so!
It’s been a week. She brought it up again yesterday and we talked more. After we talked all seemed good, we went it to dinner and a play, then came home and had fabulous sex. Can I expect her to bring it up on regular basis?

[Raychel]

There is no way to know for sure what she is thinking.
Best thing you can do is to be 1000% honest with her.
Like Shelly said, Don't make promises you can't keep.
And if she does accept and has limitations, Respect her wishes.
Don't force the issue on her.

Just my thoughts.
I hope all goes well for you.

[Jenn A116]

As the PP said, there is no way to know if she will bring it up again. You should let her know that it's OK to talk about and perhaps ask her if she has any questions from time to time. Encourage conversation.

[Suzie Petersen]

It?s been a week. She brought it up again yesterday and we talked more. After we talked all seemed good, we went it to dinner and a play, then came home and had fabulous sex. Can I expect her to bring it up on regular basis?
Who knows, Lisa, but I will say that one of my regrets is that after it all crashed for me, I waited and waited for her to bring it up or say something that was an opening for a talk, but she basically never did.
In the last few months, however, everything has changed and she is now not only accepting, but all the way to participating.
I don't know if me bringing it up sooner would have made this happen earlier, I somewhat doubt it, it just seems the time now, after 15+ years of total denial of it, was just right.
I have no idea how it changed or why, but she has done a complete 180.
My advise to you is to "not lose ground". Talking about this, without making it the only thing you want to talk about, is the best thing. Find a balance and work on your minded skills (yeah right LOL), but don't wait for her to bring it up. The more time that passes, the harder it is to get the communication started again.

[Rhonda Darling]

Give your wife a list of CD/Trans positive web sites to read. There is a lot of crap out there now that trashes us, most of it written by people who don't know any of us. Let the truth work in your favor. A knowledgeable wife is a happy wife (an over simplification, but you get the idea).

[char GG]

You know your wife better than we do. It?s a balance between keeping communication open and talking about it too much.

[Nikkilovesdresses]

I can't help feeling that if we get caught, it's because on some level, some part of us wants to get caught. I've noticed over the years on the forum that our femme sides can be quite independently minded.

Male you might be quaking, but femme you is probably quietly excited. She wants out of the closet.

I hope your wife will be big hearted enough to love all of you.

[CDMargret]

Sorry as I have real advice for you. My wife knew from the start. Yet I want to wish you the best of luck. Sending all my positive vibes.

[Amy Randal]

Give your wife a list of CD/Trans positive web sites to read. There is a lot of crap out there now that trashes us, most of it written by people who don't know any of us. Let the truth work in your favor. A knowledgeable wife is a happy wife (an over simplification, but you get the idea).
Can you suggest any?

[SophiaRose]

Perhaps the book ?Living with crossdressing? by Savannah Hauk. Amazon. It?s supposed to have a?lot of SO related discussion. Anyone read it? Her podcast is great, and a good resource (the Fox and the Pheonix)

[JulieC]

Give your wife time. You've had forever to mentally process this. She's at square 1 of a thousand. Don't pressure, and don't overwhelm her. She's not rejecting you, which is awesome. Take victories where they are. Don't over-expect and be upset she's not where you hope she'd be at this point.

[crobeson96]

It's a significant shock to a woman who thought she knew everything about you, even things you don't know yourself. Let her know she's important enough to you that one option you support is involving a professional to help the two of you sort it out together if she agrees that's necessary. Even discussing the pros and cons of a therapist can be a healing/bonding experience.

[Genifer Teal]

I wouldn't give her too much information at once. She might be on overload. She probably has a ton of misconceptions. You'll need to set them all straight. I would wait a week, then bring it up again. Pick one website and say how you thought it might be helpful for her to understand what you're going through.

I believe we've heard it all here. Before that, baby steps is the best strategy.Not all at once. Let her figure this out at her own pace. But also, don't ignore it.Keep the conversation going.

[DianeT]

You don't give much details, but I'll try to summarize :
Day 1 : wife discovers her husband lied to her. She has a relaxed discussion about it, then subject is closed for a week.
Day 8 : mysterious discussion but all is good. Let's go for an evening out, and have sex once back like no problem in the world.
I'm not the authority on female psychology, but hm hm.

[CharlotteCD]

That summary is basically how it went for me and my now Ex.

She discovered my stash. We had a discussion (Day 1) and within a week (By Day 8) we were back having sex at the same regularity as before.

It was only 2 years later that it started to sicken her and gross her out more and more, even though I wasn't bringing it up and hadn't really been dressing. in that time.

Roll on another 2 years and that was it. Over.

[kimdl93]

Here is the thing you need to understand. The level of trust between your wife and yourself has been damaged. While your wife may seem to have adjusted to the discovery, you can bet that her trust in you has been affected. Once damaged, that trust can begin to erode and that erosion can accelerate. Your challenge will be to prevent further erosion and to rebuild that trust. Trust is fundamental, perhaps even a subconscious aspect of the mind. Reaching trust where ever it resides in the mind, understanding its condition and rebuilding trust is the key to sustaining your relationship.

[candice_cain]

Hiding it from your SO means you are ashamed of it.
I think that's very common.
You know what though, don't be ashamed of who you are.
It's very hard to accept who you are, you can deny it but there is some deep seated reason we all dress.
You can try to purge and deny those feelings but they will find their way to the surface eventually.
Being honest is the most important thing.
Honest with yourself and honest with them.

[Amy Randal]

It?s been 5 weeks since she caught me. She has brought it up once, a week later. She hasn?t said anything since. We are getting along great as we did hey she found out. Should I expect this to be her way of DADT? Should I talk about it? My gut is telling me to let it lay. Anyone that has been through this with some insight?

[Jenn A116]

Yes, you should talk to her about it Amy. She's certainly got questions in her mind and only you can answer them. Be open and honest when you do. Also apologize for hiding it in the first place. It's time to restore the trust in your relationship.

[char GG]

I agree with Jenn. She will have it in the back of her mind now. Talk to her before she comes to her own, possibly incorrect, conclusions.

[Amy Randal]

Six weeks or so since she caught me. Everything between us is great. I am blessed with an understanding wife. One change for me is the pink fog has gone into high gear. My girl clothes, makeup, wigs, jewelry and stuff are all in my closet and drawers instead of hiding in the attic. So much easier to dress and I see my girl things even when I am getting ready in male mode. There is a feeling of freedom and euphoria that wasn?t there before. Happy girl here!

[Jennifer Soames]

Good luck Amy. I would take it one day at a time and always de escalate any arguments etc. After 2-3 months ask her how she feels about all the changes.

[Sabine Janus]

dressing while she's at home was pretty risky- something was eventually going to happen.

Now it has, BE SUPPORTIVE and patient, patient patient

and take out the trash without being asked! ;)

[sometimes_miss]

Hiding it from your SO means you are ashamed of it.
Not necessarily; after not crossdressing for many years, I thought that I had either outgrown it, 'beaten' it by not doing it, or perhaps that it was just a phase that I had gone through as a result of being molested for so long. I really thought it was in the past, so why disturb a wonderful relationship with something that no longer means anything? As I would learn, she felt the same way about her time institutionalization for major depression; she didn't ever tell me about that, either. So it seems we had that in common, too, but of course, she felt her omission wasn't important, but MINE was. We tried going to therapy, but eventually divorce wound up inevitable.



I can't help feeling that if we get caught, it's because on some level, some part of us wants to get caught.
I can't speak for others, but I thought about what I might say many times, going over it in my head repeatedly, my explanation, and of course that she would eventually accept it, as the rest of my life and all the good things about me would easily out weigh the crossdressing.
Nope. At the time, I didn't quite understand just how much of a turn off it is to most women, to lose the illusion of a stereotypical masculine man as her mate, and gaining the disturbing though of him in a dress instead. Then, the thought of whether he might be gay, is the final straw in destroying any thoughts of us sexually. And once the sexual desire is replaced by feeling repulsed by it, the love can be gone as well. After that, any love left will only be as if we are her brother (at best; as a perverted uncle at worst).