Anger at SO?

[Traci H]

I?m in kind of a DADT situation with my wife. She doesn?t like that I crossdress, and still seems to let me know when the situation arises. Just yesterday I was getting dressed after my shower and she came into the bathroom and I sort of shoved my white panties into my jeans. Her comment was ?you think I didn?t see that, hiding that underwear?? Or something to that effect.

We have been living with this for 45 years. I underdress in panties most everyday and my drawer is filled with their pretty colors I have given it up for various periods without success. I realize it is just who I am. Acceptance. My wife cannot budge. I go out of my way to please her, doing little things all the time. Big ones too. I have given up somethings to make her happy and supported her in her hobbies which fill our house with stuff. Yet she won?t cut me a break. She has let herself go physically as well, while I try to maintain myself as best I can.

Sometimes I just get angry and think ?Can?t you cut me a break! Indulge me just a tiny bit!? She is quite liberal, but often NIMB, especially when it comes to her crossdressing husband. I realize I caused this issue, but can?t a woman who says she loves her husband, give a guy a break! Do you ever get angry at your SO? Just venting of course.

Traci

[Stephanie47]

Heck, that reads like my bio. Cloned? My wife of 53 years is not on board with my dressing although she does not make any snide comments. When she was clearing out her nightgowns that do not fit her anymore, she did tell me to take any that I wanted. We sleep apart and I suspect she knows I sleep in a nightgown. Yes, it is a case of NIMBY. My PTSD counselor told me that I always put everyone ahead of me and think of my wants last. That 115 pound girl is now 200 lbs and that has caused her a lot of medical issues that she, and consequently me, have to deal with. Her sewing and quilting hobby has filled every part of our home to the extent there is no room for my hobby which would require very little table space. It is what it is. I will not throw my cross dressing in her face or force any visual upon her, but if she does not like the fact that I sleep alone in a nightie/bra/slip/panty so be it. I realize she did not sign on for my cross dressing which really developed after we said the "I do's." She said she had to cut me some slack because she withheld some critical information from me before we were married that would have given any guy a reason to rethink things.

[docrobbysherry]

Tell her, not us!:straightface:

I'd give u a break any time u want it!:battingeyelashes:

[Brynna M]

DADT is a recipe for frustration. I'm in a similar boat. But I work hard not to be angry with my wife. It was pretty clear who she was when I married her and I made that choice anyway. Seething over what she "should be" and "should do" doesn't change who she is.

[char GG]

I have to agree with Doc Those who have an SO who treats you less than you should be treated, should sit down for a serious talk.

Vent away here but nothing will change if you let it continue.

[Brynna M]

Char, you're assuming that talking will do anything good. While we'd all like to believe that everyone is reasonable and kind and willing to compromise that's not always true. And in that case that conversation is going to be just one more fight and one more unending grievance. Is the conflict worth the low likelihood of a positive outcome? Unless you're to the point of walking unless things change....

[Stephanie47]

If one has been married for a very long time there usually has been some serious discussions along the way. Sometimes the other spouse in a relationship has had some life experiences that will trump the other spouse's desires or needs. Sometimes there is a line in the sand that cannot be crossed. I've seen a lot of marriages hit the skids for some minor issues. I do agree, if one does have some potential skeleton in the closet, it is better to air it before a serious commitment. Also, realizing one can change his or her mind, don't expect life to be friction free if somebody does a total reversal.

[il.dso]

Very similar situation for me.
I would love to talk more and engage my wife more.
But, when I bring up my crossdressing, she'll often just dismiss my concerns and need to share.
I've had these responses:
Why are you so obsessed with it?
Do whatever you want, there's nothing more to say.
It's up to you, I can't help any more.

I've now become hesitant to bring up the topic and am retreating into DADT, again...
All not easy.

[kimdl93]

Seems like a conversation that maybe should have happened frequently over the past 45 years. I cant judge, however, given my marital track record.

When I saw the title of this thread, I thought of the many times that my internalized frustrations found expression in passive aggressive behavior. It?s certain that such behaviors added tensions and damaged the relationship, at least in part because I didn?t dare risk honestly expressing myself, or risk angering my partner. Avoiding problems seldom solves problems.

[Crissy 107]

I hate to say this because I too am in the DADT boat but unless your wife knew prior then she did not sign up for this.
Believe me I know this first hand.

[HelpMe,Rhonda]

There are things in my marriage I didn't sign up for either, unless you consider the marriage vows a vague promise that you're there for each other no matter what.

[CarlaWestin]

Even after full heartfelt disclosure many years ago, I've refined the DADT situation to never a mention or even that irresistible double entendre opportunity as my square peg proclivity simply doesn't fit in her round hole of conforming morality. I don't mind her need to be voiceful about 'them trannies' as they're portrayed in the worst of the media. Like Rhonda just said, we're here for eachother. I would certainly invite her participation and acceptance or just a bit of play along with it. You know, just pretend the housekeeper is here.

[Di]

Yes tell her.
If you can’t ( many here seem not able to it seems) see a specialist and her go to a session..
Somehow many think of it as just a kink and maybe it started that way..
I just hate there is no understanding or communication for many couples.
Hope for the best for you both .

[Stephanie47]

Seems like a conversation that maybe should have happened frequently over the past 45 years.

How true! However, as many have stated having a conversation requires two people. The problem with a lack of communication is the failure to establish any sort of boundaries. Does the guy just wing it? What happens if he does something and she finds out about it? For example, does she have a right to blow up if he decides to go out en femme, if she refuses to discuss the issue? Having negotiated life through almost eight decades I have seen plenty of instances of "Well, you did not say I couldn't do it!" I hear/read constantly that young children need and want adults to set boundaries. I think the majority of us would like our wives to set some boundaries other than adopting what I call "The Ostrich" effect, i.e., stick head in the ground and ignore it.

[CDMargret]

Welp, Might get in trouble for what I am about to type. Marriage to me. It isn't sleeping in separate rooms unless medical conditions apply. It isn't saying rude, snide, hurtful comments to one another. It isn't ever making one feel shamed. It isn't keeping secrets from one another. Marriage isn't easy. Takes work. I have been married three times. All involved my dressing.

The first was 17 years. The second 3 years. The third (current) has been 15 years. Yes, part of the ruin of the first was dressing and secrets. Mean, rude, hateful treatment.

The second she failed to be honest. Lied at work, family, friends, herself and me. Secrets and lies, yet she was ok with my dressing.

The third, current and I certainly believe is my till death do us part marriage. She has fully accepted and participates in all this dressing I do. We started dressing from the start. Back then it was small and not like today. She still doesn't understand why I dress after 15 years of it. Likes me better in boy mode. She has said she doesn't wanna be with a girl but a man and I understand that. I won't wear wigs, makeup and female body parts when going to bed, making out or just lounging around the house. She sees her man and that he is just wearing girly clothes. Still the man she wants and needs yet wearing silky soft clothing. She understands how it makes me feel, what I like about the clothing and how I only feel sexy when dressed up. Our compromise. Lots of talks, shopping together, loving each other, compromising, and having fun together in both modes has built a very mutual happy marriage. Never mean. Never rude. We have cried. We have treated and give each other great respect as we are just a boy and a girl with different wants and desires that we share privately together. And with a few special friends.

I am "happy" finally. Years of hurt. Years of struggle. Times of starting completely over. I gave everything to my first wife and left with my suit case and a truck. Uncle put me up in the pool house where I started from scratch. Good Man. The losses, the struggles, the money, the time spent and time wasted. I do not regret one single moment I endured to get to where I am today.

Don't allow anyone to be mean, say hurtful words, or make you feel less than whom you are. A man that cross-dresses. These desires can not be thrown out in Thursday's trash can. Just like buried trash, the smell of it comes rising from the soil and so will the pink fog of dressing. Don't be afraid. Don't allow anyone to treat you bad. Do the hard work of accepting, compromising, coming to agreements, learning how to make dressing work for you both. Or do what you MUST, so you can be happy and at peace in your own home.

I do apologize for anyone I may have upset with these words. I may be wrong. I may be right. But I am a very happy crossdresser.

[Jillcder]

Well said Margret! Very solid advice.

[alwayshave]

Traci, My ex-wife was a taker, never a giver. There was no such thing as compromise. It was her way or the highway. Eventually I chose the highway.

[Traci H]

Thanks for the feedback. A spectrum of thoughts and experiences as one would expect. Life and marriage can be tough enough, but toss crossdressing in the mix and another potential source of trouble. I struggle to find a little time to enjoy the fem things I have. I find retail therapy to help which explains my huge panty collection. I refuse to give up wearing panties every day, along with my girl jeans. Everything is just better then.

Even in DADT however I find myself leaving day panties out on the floor in the bathroom for a bit. A part of me wants to tell my wife, this is me and yes it is still here. In the meantime I treat her with respect and cater to her wishes in the hope she will soften her stance. I just finished several home projects that I worked my hinder off on. Now I feel this need to go buy something that will tamp the pink fog back down a bit.

[BLUE ORCHID]

Hi Traci :hugs:, I am kinda lucky as we have a very workable DA/DT, She knows about everything , She just don't want to see me Dressed up.

when she orders out of a catalog she will give me the form to se if I want to order a top or a Skirt,

Married almost 61 Years I will take it and Enjoy what I Have >Orchid**O:daydreaming:O**

[Raychel]

I never did get angry at my ex-wife about the dressing.
For the longest time I respected her wishes and lived the DADT life.
We had way bigger issues than the dressing.

Eventually I decided that my life was clicking away.
I was trying everything I could to make her happy.
No matter what it was not happening.
Eventually I decided it was my turn to be happy.
Raychel slowly started coming out.
And our relationship ended in divorce.
It took me many years, but I did recover from all that
today I live a pretty happy life.

You have to decide what is best so you can both live your happiest lives.
Life is too short. Be happy.
If she can't accept the crossdressing, find a happy middle ground
where she can be happy knowing and you can be happy with the time you get.
It sure isn't easy..

Anger does not help at all.
Talk to her and get thru the anger and get to a happy ground.
best of luck.