I need some advice

[angel_lips]

Hi everyone,

I have known since we got together that my partner has a liking towards crossdressers and tgirls. It has never bothered me in the past and still doesnt. But on 2 occassions I have discovered profiles he has set up attempting to meet someone.
This has hurt me as I have always allowed him to be open and honest and dont understand this need to now hide it.
We have tried couple swinging, but he says he was uncomfortable with that.. and does not want me to be with anyone else, including other women.
Can anyone please offer any advice as to how I can be there for him, and allow him to be true to himself, but also to get him to see that I have needs that he is not meeting.

Thanks
Angel_lips

[Wendy me]

welcome i would say that talking abought how you bouth feel and setting up guide lines .... good luck....

[Ashley Helen]

Welcome to the site, I am sure we can offer advice if we know the detail. Is he trying to meet someone as a girl or as himself? Is he trying to meet a male, female or tgirl?
As Wendy says, talking it through is the best way to deal with it but you both have to be honest.
Why would he want to share or stray from someone with Angel Lips?

Love

Helen xx

[ChristineRenee]

:welcom: to the forum Angel. My advice here would be about the same as Wendy's...you need to both sit down and communicate your feelings and discuss your wants and needs and how you can both help each other achieve them. That's about the best advice that I can give you...good luck to you hon.:)

[angel_lips]

To my knowledge he has never crossdressed himself. But he has arranged or tried to meet up with crosdressers and tgirls without telling me. I have asked him to go through with it without deception as I feel the need is there for him but he refuses... and now says he wants a conventional relationship. I dont believe he can live the conventional, and I dont want to be caught unaware.
It's a tough old place to find oneself. In love with a man who wants more than you can give.. and I know he loves me too.
Our sexlife has dwindled of late, he blames one swinging experience for that.. and he wants me to be faithful to him. I dont even know where I was going with that sentence...lol.
Any advice is greatly accepted as I am in knots and dont want to pull away or cause him pain.

Angel_lips

[uknowhoo]

Hello Angel lips, and welcome to our virtual home away from home.

You said that he was "attempting to meet someone," do you know for what purpose? If he has not participated in a site like this one, or is of limited social experience as a CDer otherwise, he may just be hoping to meet like-minded people. Further, he may well be embarrassed to discuss some of these issues with you. Do you know/have you asked him what type of relationship he was hoping to find?

I know when I first came here a year ago, I was completely alone in this CDing thing. I felt isolated, nowhere to turn, etc. As is the case with the majority of us girls here, I'm hetero only. I wasn't looking to "hook-up" with anyone, but rather I was just looking for some understanding and others who understood where I was coming from, and how I felt. My expectations have been more than exceeded here, and I am so much happier a person for it.

I wish you and your SO all the best in working through this stuff (which can admittedly be confusing). As the others have said, communication is ultimately the key to working it out. That said, resources such as this site can help tremendously as well.

[angel_lips]

Thankyou for the reply Tammi,

The profile I found was an add looking to meet when he fly's to London for a wedding. What it stated in it was definately for sexual purposes.
As I said earlier, it's not the meetings that bother me, nor the Ad, just the secrecy when he knows he can tell me. We have discussed it on numerous occassions, watched adult movies about it together etc.
I am going to try and discuss it this weekend when we go away.. I guess thats all I can really do.
What scares me though is I know emotionally I will shut down from the relationship if he denies me the truth and seeks out meeting behind my back. I wish to be able to protect my health, my son and my sanity and cant do that with lies.

Angel_lips

[kittypw GG]

Angel lips,
He sounds confused. It sounds like he is not sure if he is heterosxexual or gay. What is up with his double standard? Sounds like a talk is needed immediatly. You are right to be concerned with your health. We all know that there are killers out there waiting to invade you and take you down. Strangers can't be trusted to protect you from diseases that they may have. Good luck and keep us posted. Kitty

[kathy gg]

HI, I am going to make sure I get this. From what you have writen, it sounds like he is a male admirer. Some admieres are also cd's, but many are not. So if he is looking to fullfill some fantasy that you obviously cannot provide....well actually you could maybe....but anyway, you seem okay with him cheating as long as you are aware. To me he sounds like a thrill seeker. Basically when you "give" him permission to explore it takes the excitement nd danger out of these liasions. He also sounds like a jerk, because his attitdue is "do as I say, not as I do" and you seem okay with that.

Girlfriend, if you are this open minded and cool about sexual things, why on earth stay with a guy who is such a weasel? Maybe this is a sign to look for someone who is sexually fun but faithful, because many crossdresssers are just that.

Being in a relationship with a crossdresser can be a really exciting thing but also most are level headed enough and many are only into genetic women {like you and me}. I am actively participating with my guy and enjoy this and he knows how special I am and we have a wonderful relationship. COmpletely faithful and monogomous but also as a couple this is really fun and cool. And we have a child, and he is the best dad ever. He respects me and our family so no worries there either.

I say dump this tranny chaser and find a crossdresser who will give you the extra stimulation you might be looking to find.

Best of luck!

[Julie York]

What has already been said is all good stuff. But there is possibly another angle to explore. TG admirers (male ones) are very often not gay as such. They are not interested in the idea of a "man" dressed in women's clothing but are actually fascinated by the idea of a "woman" with a little extra.

If this is the case then you could cater to his curiosity by playing bedroom games that would not harm anyone and keep you both happy.
All it requires is a little imagination.

[Christina Nicole]

I just had to dump what I was about to post because Kathy said it all, and much better than I did.

<Warning: metaphor alert>

Sounds like you gave him a lot of freedom -- maybe too much. Sometimes when you give someone a little too much rope, he hangs himself. So don't give him so much rope. Lay out some rules and clip his wings a bit. You have rights, too.

Warmest regards,
Christina Nicole

[paulaN]

You have gotten some real good advice here. take it. And talk to him.

[DonnaT]

I agree with Kathy.

And as Julie alluded to, I think, ask your partner if he'd like for you to pretend to be a man who is a crossdresser. Strap-on and all. That is, if you think you can go that route. Heck, ask anyway to see where his head is.

Your swinging exercise and his current lack of desire may be an indication that he's been viewing online images and profiles of crossdresser/trannies and has developed a sexual appetite for some fantasy figure he may have conjured up.

His wanting to limit your swinging experience is an indication to me that his experience was a failure, that he may have had trouble performing, or was unsatisfying to whomever he connected with and maybe even humiliating. If so, it will be hard for him to admit it to you, so he may be posturing by trying to limit your experience.

[Tamara Croft]

So, he's off meeting people and doing goodness knows what, yet you on the other hand 'are not allowed'. So he wants his cake and eat it, not good!! You need to pull in the reigns and tell him what you have found out and ask him what he's playing at. Double standards, this goes beyond double standards, this is lying and cheating. He wants a 'conventional marriage' and then does this behind your back. Sorry, but he's being a total *insertyourchoiceofwordhere* :Angry3:

[Dixie Darling]

Had it not been for the fact that you mentioned about his desire to meet other CDs seeming to be of a sexual nature I would have said that he (like most of us) has a desire to meet other people who share the NEED that all crossdressers have. An accepting wife is about the BEST thing a crossdresser can have, but at the same time it is virtually impossible to explain to a non-CD person WHY we have the need to dress. The reason it's not possible to explain it is simply because WE don't know. It's just something that we were born with and we have to learn to live with. Being with others of like minds makes it easier to talk about it since we KNOW they're feeling the same things that WE do. That doesn't explain WHY we have this need, but just makes it more relaxed to talk about.

The sexual aspect of your man's desire isn't something that I'm qualified to talk about since I'm totally heterosexual - as are MOST crossdressers.

Dixie -- http://www.geocities.com/senorita_cd

[DonnaT]

Note that her partner is not a CD, but instead appears to be an Admirer.

[Janelle Young]

Hello Angle

It sounds to me that he is a bit unsure of his likes as far as a sexual partner goes. I think, and this is only my opinion, that he likes men but the thought of being with a man turns him off. Thus the desire to meet a CD or Tgirl who has the male package but it is presented as a female. His mind thinks I am not with another man I am with a woman who just happens to have a penis. Julie Y mentioned this as well and I think she is right.

I hope you can work this out, good luck.

Janelle

[Faye Emmette]

Oh dearest Angel. You are getting the rough end of the pineapple and worrying if your man can't have sexual and intimate relations with an unknown entity away from home.
So you're eating grapes and watching "Eastenders" while your poor misunderstood is having hot times with someone/anyone else.
Love is Love and limits are limits.
Does he say he Loves you and does he also show his Love for you?
Can he stay home and watch telly while you go out for a fantasy night by yourself?

[rhonda jane]

Yes, you two need to have a serious talk. Communicate, negotiate, decide what is acceptable to you and why. If there are others involved that aren't part of your life, you need to nail some things down. Let him know how you feel about CDing and ask him if any there is anything he is willing to compromise on. The same goes for him to you.

Things don't need to get too complicated if you agree on some things. They can be problems if you let them be so.

[angel_lips]

Thankyou so much for all the advice.

I have read it.. and re-read it and am taking bits from it all. I know my man loves me, and I know he is confused himself right now. If there is one thing I wanted to do... it was educate myself a little better before I tried to handle this delicate situation. So thankyou, I appreciate all the support and well wishes. Your an amazing and caring bunch of girls.

Love Angel

xxx

[magpie]

Angel

you are a crossdressers dream. you sound so kind ,craring and understanding.

it took me a long time to find someone like you. and i have and i would never hurt her by putting her through what your going through.
i can't offer any advice that already hasn't been said.
but i do you wish all the best. your man sounds very confused and untill he gets his head straight for himself, your struggle will go on.
talking to each other is def the best way to go. but don't let him go off with other people because unless your both that way inclined i don't think it wil work.
take care and good luck.